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SAHP

A place for stay at home mums and dads to discuss life as a full-time parent.

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Original poster

Lie-ins for SAHMs?

224 replies

LouisaJF · 25/05/2015 08:14

I was curious of your opinions on this.

I am a SAHM to two boys aged 1 and 3 and DH runs his own business. Seven days a week I get up with DS2 at 6-6.30 and DH gets up at 8-8.30, has a hath, gets ready for work and spends 5-10 minutes with us before heading out. In the evening he is usually home with less than an hour before bedtime.

Obviously I do all the housework and all meals for all 4 of us, including DH'a packed lunch. I'm also the one who gets up to the kids in the night.

At the weekend I still get up with the boys and he has a lie-in till 10ish and a bath. I get a lie-in once a month but have to wake DH as he never hears the children, which means I'm awake and can't always get back to sleep. I can't remember the last time I had a bath.

I know DH has a lot of stress on his shoulders with the business, but am I unreasonable in thinking I could have a lie-in a bit more frequently than this as my job isn't easy either. I think it stems from the fact that I rarely have any time to myself as I don't get to see friends much or have any time out from being mum eg a soak in the bath.

Do I just need to get a grip?

OP posts:
mumto3alexa · 25/05/2015 12:48

Your situation isn't the ops. Why can't the dh get up and get his kids up in the morning on a couple of mornings?

mrsmugoo · 25/05/2015 12:51

No I realise that - I think the OPs husband is taking the piss! But I'm just trying to make the point that not getting a "lie-in" doesn't automatically make your husband a selfish bastard as some have implied on here in relation to other posters comments. Everyone's situation is unique to them.

The concept of a lie-in seems hilarious to me. I waved goodbye to them some time ago!

mumto3alexa · 25/05/2015 12:52

I like lies in and I like free time and there is no way I would sacrifice it as it is what keeps me sane.

Littlemonstersrule · 25/05/2015 12:53

Get up early for a bath or have one after they have gone to bed. Given their ages, surely by 8pm they are fast asleep so you have the night to yourself to read, have a bath etc.

Meet friends in the day, as you don't work you have all day every day to plan things in. It's harder when working as hours are very much more limited.

Running your own business can be very stressful as everything rests with you. When that business has to pay for the needs of another adult and two children with no back up income I imagine it's even worse. Yet he seems to have the easy option Hmm

Mrsjayy · 25/05/2015 12:55

We could go round the houses with this if doing it all is fine in 1 family might not be fine in others the op is feeling down about her husbands lack of support and selfishness her husband and small childrens dad should recognise that its not all her job his job she is struggiling she needs him and he is too busy in the bath to care.

Oldraver · 25/05/2015 12:56

I am a SAHM with a child at school and I get lots of lie ins, sometimes on school days. OH is generally an earlier getter-upper than me, as he would get up at 7am on days off. I get up when I need to.

He works a shift of four 12 hour nights then four days off..on his two middle days off he is up at 7am and does everything for DS and brings me coffee in bed

mrsmugoo · 25/05/2015 13:07

Oldraver you are living the dream!

BuyMeAPony · 25/05/2015 13:12

I'm a bit like you, OP, find it hard to get back to sleep after being woken up in the morning. So I just get up, but I very often go for a nap in the afternoon. 2 hours off during the day gets me through

Mutley77 · 25/05/2015 13:32

I would not cope with that at all - sorry haven't RTFT but I think your DH is outrageous!!!!

My DH and I basically get up at the same time every day. We used to do the swap a lie in at the weekend but it doesn't really work for us - I always felt frustrated to have my lie in and get up to find the house in chaos with the children not ready or breakfasted.... When he had his lie in I just felt a bit resentful having more "at home time" with the baby/toddler - when I did IMO enough of that during the week anyway...! We now tend to lie in together chatting/scrolling through our phone etc and having a cuppa while the DC come in and out as they wish (youngest is 2) and we both semi-supervise them, change nappy if required etc. We have sport most weekend mornings for the older DC so someone is leaving the house by 9 on Saturdays and Sundays anyway.

It's the week that makes me think he is most outrageous! How can he justify nearly 3 hours to himself each morning (with the lie in and bath). My DH gets up first usually during the week - he has to leave the house before the rest of us by about an hour - and if the DC are up and things need doing he generally mucks in and does it while I stay in bed drinking my cuppa. IMO I need that time to myself to get my head straight and feel like my day starts in a relaxed way, otherwise I am stressed and harassed from the start - which doesn't help me respond to my 3DC in a positive way. DH can have his down time to get his head straight on his 30 minute drive to work so only fair for him to take his share of the DC-induced stress before he goes!

I think you might struggle to change him though now that the pattern has become so ingrained....

Mutley77 · 25/05/2015 13:41

BTW I am now a SAHM but used to work PT when we had 2 DC. I find I need DH to be more on board at the beginning and end of day and weekends now than when I was working! When I was working I had my own head space from the DC and didn't find them so stressful (I'm sure that's not the same for everyone). In your family by thinking of yourself as not having a job meaning you should pull more weight is not realistic while you have DC at home all day (especially 2 of them!) - you have a v demanding job and while much of it is rewarding and fun, you are literally subject to the needs of another 2 people all day every day - see yourself as a nurse or a PA (without a lunch break). I am actually happy to crack on with the housework/cooking in the evenings as I can switch off a bit - I need DH to get home and listen to reading, help with homework, bath the toddler etc as I just feel emotionally exhausted by then. Plus DH of course wants to see and spend time with them as he hasn't seen them all day and he's missed them!

RumAppleGinger · 25/05/2015 13:53

It all sounds pretty selfish on his part. Have you discussed it with him?

I work part time but am currently on maternity leave. Our system since DS1 was born was DH gets a lie in Saturday, I get a lie in Sunday. On those mornings we have til 11am so if you want to sleep you can, you can go out for a run, do a hobby, whatever but you are child free until 11am. This changed for a bit when DS2 came along and I was breastfeeding but more or less that's our deal.

In other areas he sounds pretty selfish too. Baths every day? Could he not grab a quick shower giving you a chance to get washed before he leaves too? Also why are you making his lunches and thinking that it's 'obvious' you should do all the house work and meals?

mumto3alexa · 25/05/2015 13:58

Have you got the one child Mrsmugoo? That makes a big difference

mrsmugoo · 25/05/2015 14:02

Yeah I've just got the one but TTC for no 2. If wont make any difference - my DH's job will still mean he works 7 days a week, late into the night.

I'll get less sleep. I'll just deal with it. It's either that or not have another.

Iggi999 · 25/05/2015 14:04

I love that someone has suggested that the OP, who already gets up at 6, should get up earlier so she can have a bath! She could easily have a bath if her dh got up at 7.30 instead of 8 and minded the children for half an hour.

Iggi999 · 25/05/2015 14:05

7 days a week, late into the night, sounds like no life for a parent.

mumto3alexa · 25/05/2015 14:07

Sometimes you have to iggi mine is out until 11/midnight 5 nights a week as thats when his work finishes. However hes not getting out of his half of the parenting due to that.

mrsmugoo · 25/05/2015 14:34

Just because my DH doesn't get up after 4 hours sleep and let me languish in bed for 10 hours at a time doesn't mean he's not being a good parent. Being self employed means we get a lot of freedom and flexibility in other aspects of our family set-up - but this thread is specifically about lie-ins - which I don't get.

This isn't about me though! My point was - everyone's situation is different but I still believe it's unfair to make one half of a partnership do an arbitrary 50% of the domestic/childcare if the paid work hours aren't 50/50, as over all that's not a fair arrangement.

mrsmugoo · 25/05/2015 14:37

The point about having a bath...just have one at night surely?!

ASorcererIsAWizardSquared · 25/05/2015 14:54

the only time i took into considering my DH's job was when he was hulking massive great parts around and operating machinery that if he wasn't quick enough, would take fingers off or cause nasty concussion if the door came down on his head while he was still leaning inside it.

Those times i DID make sure he had plenty of sleep because slow reaction time could have dire consequences.

blowinahoolie · 25/05/2015 15:55

"But I'm just trying to make the point that not getting a "lie-in" doesn't automatically make your husband a selfish bastard as some have implied on here in relation to other posters comments. Everyone's situation is unique to them. "

This ^ People have been very unkind on this thread. I have already stated that in my situation DH and I don't 'take turns' to lie in due to his shift work so he helps out in other ways. Bathing the DC every night he's available (also before heading out to his night shifts) so usually 5 out of 7 nights (more than I do). He does the nursery run 3 to 4 days each week (more than I do) and he does most of the grocery shopping. He also does various other stuff during the week many dads don't do because they are out working. DH isn't a selfish twat because we don't give each other 'lie ins', we help and support each other in many other ways to get time out individually. Lie ins are not the be all and end all of a partnership when you have children!! You go to bed early.

PenguinsandtheTantrumofDoom · 25/05/2015 16:24

No, it doesn't automatically make him a selfish bastard.

But isn't it interesting how, on these threads, it is rarely about the amount of sleep per se. He's getting lie ins (i.e. the nice, indulgent version of getting enough sleep. Not the boring version by going to bed early). He's having a leisurely bath soak every morning. He's not engaging with this family at all in the window of time he could make for them.

That is what to me says he's being selfish and semi-detached.

Athenaviolet · 25/05/2015 16:28

Your set up is very unfair on you. Oppressive really.

Read 'wifework'.

Marmitelover55 · 25/05/2015 16:43

I remember when I had 2 under 2 that I felt incredibly jealous of DH's journey on the train to and from work (1 hour each way). Two hours of time for reading/chilling etc Envy Glad mine are older now Grin

blowinahoolie · 25/05/2015 16:48

I agree that the soak in the bath is a luxurious way to spend your morning when you can otherwise be helping out with the childcare. Having a shower would make more sense, tbh.

Fugghetaboutit · 25/05/2015 17:06

He's got it toasty hasn't he?

We take it in turns but tbh looking after a 1 and 3 year old is probably more stressful than any office job and you deserve a break from them and a bath every weekend.

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