Lie-ins for SAHMs?

[LouisaJF]

I was curious of your opinions on this.

I am a SAHM to two boys aged 1 and 3 and DH runs his own business. Seven days a week I get up with DS2 at 6-6.30 and DH gets up at 8-8.30, has a hath, gets ready for work and spends 5-10 minutes with us before heading out. In the evening he is usually home with less than an hour before bedtime.

Obviously I do all the housework and all meals for all 4 of us, including DH'a packed lunch. I'm also the one who gets up to the kids in the night.

At the weekend I still get up with the boys and he has a lie-in till 10ish and a bath. I get a lie-in once a month but have to wake DH as he never hears the children, which means I'm awake and can't always get back to sleep. I can't remember the last time I had a bath.

I know DH has a lot of stress on his shoulders with the business, but am I unreasonable in thinking I could have a lie-in a bit more frequently than this as my job isn't easy either. I think it stems from the fact that I rarely have any time to myself as I don't get to see friends much or have any time out from being mum eg a soak in the bath.

Do I just need to get a grip?

Obviously I do all the housework and all meals for all 4 of us, including DH'a packed lunch. I'm also the one who gets up to the kids in the night.

There's nothing 'obvious' about this, IMO. He is their parent too and yes, OK, he has to leave the house to get to his job, so he has certain time constraints; but he is presumably capable of dealing with the kids in the night and of doing some housework at weekends, and batch-cooking so you can freeze meals etc.

Bottom line: you both work but he gets lie-ins and you don't. NOT fair.

I agree that OP needs to tell her DH to pull his finger out but the "my DH gives me a lie in because he's not a selfish twat" (paraphrased) replies are really small minded.

Why small minded, mrs?

Because there are other ways to help each other out, not just in terms of lie ins.....

The fair way for this to work would Be for you to take it in turns to get up with the children at 6am, then for the other one to get up at a time so you both have time for a shower before he goes to work and he has time to do a couple of things to help you with your day before he goes (eg making his own lunch, maybe making a sandwich for you so your lunch is prepared too) At the weekend you get one lie in each.
Him getting 7 lie ins a week (i class 8.30 as a lie in with young children) is not fair and I Don't know why he would think it is.

marmitelover55 I am incredibly jealous of DHs comute to work. 45-60 mins each way, sitting in the car, with the radio/cd of your choice, no one moaning, poking each other or general playing up. It would be Bliss!

But the thread is called 'lie-ins'. That's what the OP is asking about specifically.

Anyway, it doesn't sounds as though he helps out much in other ways.

He cant have all that much stress on his shoulders with a business that he doesnt need to show up at until 9 weekdays, and not at all the weekends. His working hours are pretty relaxed. He needs to wake up and take part in the household, whether or not you get a lie-in out of it. Him getting the equivalent of more than 2 nights extra sleep a week is way out of balance, and him NEVER being responsible for the kids morning or evening is ridiculous. Something as simple as your being ill, or mildly injured with something like a sprained ankle would throw the house into chaos as he and the kids dont have a 'working relationship' so to speak. He has no idea how to run your routine or his own routine.

Because it just blithely assumes that everyone's partner has a 5 day a week 9-5 job (or whatever hours) that would make giving their other half a lie in a feasible possibility.

So if someone's else's domestic set-up is different to theirs e.g shift work, self employed, working to other time zones etc... their partners are all "selfish twats" are they?

I passionately agree that marriages (relationships) should be a 50/50 partnership but if your partner works 100 hours a week and never goes to bed before 3am then surely the poor guy is entitled to at least get 5 or 6 hours kip before starting his next 18 hour work day?!

That is massively projecting though mrsmugoo. The OP hasn't said anything that suggests he isn't getting to bed until the early hours and only getting a few hours' sleep (and if someone stated that their partner was forced do that for whatever reason, I doubt he'd be called selfish for not getting up at 6am).

The OP hasn't described a man who is grabbing some sleep where he can. She has described a man who's acting like he doesn't have family responsibilities.

Most people who work office type hours, would not be able to get up after 8am every morning and indulge in a soak in the bath before work - kids or no kids.

To use myself as an example: I have a fairly average 30-50min (dependent on traffic) commute if I drive. To enjoy a 15 min soak, make a packed lunch, make & eat breakfast and make myself presentable each morning I would need to be up by 6:45am at the very latest and that's with no DC to factor into the equation broadly flexible working.

I'm not sure your DH knows how good he has it.

It is hard to get into a routine of rising early if it doesn't come naturally (left to my own devices I sleep late, but when I'm on the red eye, I somehow manage to arrive on time), but your DH would adapt. Does he realise unfair he's being?

Yeah I said further up that the OPs husband sounds like he needs to pull his finger out!

I just got a wee bit offended when I read a few of the initial replies that were saying "my DH gives me a lie in because he's not selfish" (I can't be arsed to go back and quite the exact ones I'm on my phone)

Yes, MrsMugoo. I do get that. But as I said that's because the OP has described a scenario where her husband has been a twat. So the unspoken bit of those "my partner gives me a lie in because he's not a twat" posts is "I am commenting based on most people's family set up, and not if there are extenuating circumstances". I can understand feeling defensive if your family has genuine reasons for a particular set up, but if someone described a set up where the long lie ins made sense, they'd get a very different response. If someone said "my husband has serious health problems and struggles to be able to get out of bed on less than 12 hours of sleep a night" people wouldn't say "well I get a lie in because my partner isn't a twat".

I don't understand why men like op's dp bother having dcs.

Afternoon all,

Just letting you know that we're going to move this thread over to our shiny new SAHP topic.

Many thanks to everyone who's offered the OP advice.

I don't understand why women continually procreate with men like this. You see it all the time, the person proves himself a lazy, selfish, disinterested partner and parent after the first child comes along, and the woman then has more and more children by the guy, who never changes, and she is more and more knackered and stuck at home with several kids.

Many don't want to work so need a man to go out to work so that the household has money. If they dedicate that responsibility to another adult, then that adult sees no reason the other shouldn't do everything at home.

Where both work the same hours, the majority will split all the jobs as part of the partnership.

Many?
Many women don't want to work?

I think that's absolute shit,

I think many women think not working is the best choice, the most logical choice,

Not wanting to work = bollocks.

Littlemonstersrule
Nice try, have a

Littlemonsters I would love to get back to work, however financially we would be worse off. Therefore we've made the decision that it would be best for our family for me to stay at home for the time being.
It's still a partnership though, DH doesn't think that because he earns the money he gets to avoid all childcare and household stuff.

Worldsbiggest

Please don't explain yourself to stupid people.

Littlemonster
"Where both work the same hours, the majority will split all the jobs as part of the partnership"
Countless threads on MN where it turns out wifework still applies to the wife even when she WOH, not that your comment is in any way relevant to the Op's immediate issue.

All I can say is wow! Ok, so the consensus is that I should get more me-time. Great, thanks.

To those who have offered constructive replies, thank you. I take on board what you say and need to talk to him. I think the problem is that he just doesn't think and I am not forthright enough.

To those who have called DH a variety of names, and questioned why I married him, procreate with him or even have sex with him, hang your heads in shame. You do not know this man and he has a long list of redeeming qualities, but shock horror, he isn't perfect. He works hard to keep us and his business afloat. He doesn't burn the midnight oil in the office but he works hard at home too as this way he can see the kids and then go back to his work.

He is present in their lives and they adore him. So do I for that matter.

Littlemonster your post is disgraceful. I held a professional role that I worked hard for and was proud of. I continued this when DS1 was born and regretted it. I chose to become a SAHM when DS2 arrived to make the most of being with my children while they are small, it doesn't last long. I resent the inference that my motivation is anything else.

I asked if I should be getting more lie-ins, I didn't think it was grounds for divorce. I really wish I hadn't bothered.

He doesn't burn the midnight oil in the office but he works hard at home too as this way he can see the kids and then go back to his work.

But in your OP you said that he's home barely an hour before bedtime, which is probably why PPs assumed he hardly sees the children.

Yes, he's he an hour before bedtime in the week, I'm sure a lot of fathers are.

Erm, you posted complaining about him. From your own post, he sounds lazy.
If people thought he was idle I think you rather created that impression.

You shouldn't be getting a lie in. You should have a more equal distribution of the home/child based responsibilities. He is not doing his share and excusing himself.