Lie-ins for SAHMs?

[LouisaJF]

I was curious of your opinions on this.

I am a SAHM to two boys aged 1 and 3 and DH runs his own business. Seven days a week I get up with DS2 at 6-6.30 and DH gets up at 8-8.30, has a hath, gets ready for work and spends 5-10 minutes with us before heading out. In the evening he is usually home with less than an hour before bedtime.

Obviously I do all the housework and all meals for all 4 of us, including DH'a packed lunch. I'm also the one who gets up to the kids in the night.

At the weekend I still get up with the boys and he has a lie-in till 10ish and a bath. I get a lie-in once a month but have to wake DH as he never hears the children, which means I'm awake and can't always get back to sleep. I can't remember the last time I had a bath.

I know DH has a lot of stress on his shoulders with the business, but am I unreasonable in thinking I could have a lie-in a bit more frequently than this as my job isn't easy either. I think it stems from the fact that I rarely have any time to myself as I don't get to see friends much or have any time out from being mum eg a soak in the bath.

Do I just need to get a grip?

X-posted.

Yes DH would only have an hour in the evenings. So he would get up at the weekends. Not lie in bed expecting me to.

'To those who have called DH a variety of names, and questioned why I married him, procreate with him or even have sex with him, hang your heads in shame. '

Why would anyone? You're the one who started a thread complaining about him on an internet forum . Now it's all about how wonderful he is.

'I really wish I hadn't bothered'
I think after your last post, many people who took the time to give their opinion (based on your op) will feel the same!

'Hang your heads in shame' is great though isn't it?

So much more tabloid than 'you misunderstood my post saying he is a bit of a dickhead'

I have some sympathy with your POV TheVeryThing. The Op does seem to be a bit taken aback that we are not telling her to get a grip and get on with it. There is another thread that is not at all heated and pretty constructive entitled "does your other half take the kids at the weekend", also in the SAHP topic and if I were the Op I would look at this.

NOT

Yes op, he sounds like a great bloke, a real gem.

Very clean too and well bathed

One each, each weekend.

Unless he wants to start doing the school run before work?

I stand by my opinion that the man you described in the opening post is a selfish man.

But by all means keep the status quo if that is working for you OP. Just be aware of the life lessons you are teaching your DC by playing the martyr and enabling his lazy-lie-in-everyday-arse.

I agree with BeCool. I am sure that he does work very hard. But the morning behaviour you describe remains selfish.

Louisa... Try not to rise to it.

I read these threads and the fact that almost 50% of marriages end in divorce doesn't seem that surprising.

So many mumnetters seem so bloody determined that, damn it, absolute equality at home, no matter what the situation outside the home. So, in my scenario, my dh works 13 odd hours, with a bitch of a commute. I am a SAHM. I mainly get up early at the weekends. Apparently I am an enabler, a silly woman.

Nope. I love my husband. He's a brill dad and husband. We are at the start if our journey together, it is early days, married 5 years with a 2 and a 4 year old. At this time of our lives, this is what works for us.

The slight difference is that it is not working for you. Your DH is a good man you say, sit him down and talk to him. Good luck

I don't think anyone here was generalising - they were referring specifically to what the OP said about her husband.

I've been married 26 years and never had to get let DH lounge in bed at the weekends to keep our marriage happy.
He would have felt awful lying in bed while I got up every single day.
I think that's pretty normal.

I've been with my dh for 19 years, married for 13. I have always been the main earner but never felt that entitled me to lie in bed while my dh runs around after the dc. I wouldn't actually want to, even if I thought I could get away with it.
And yes, people were responding to the specific circumstances described in the op.

I work FT and I have 2 young DC. Staying home and raising children is hard work. For me it is much harder work than going to the office dealing with clients and their demands all day.

I'm sure your H works hard. But I'm sure you work very hard too. Difference is he gets to lie in every day while you don't get even one lie in (not to even go near equal parenting outside office hours) and you are getting a teeny tiny bit more resentful about this every single time it happens.

One day - KA BOOM!

So many mumnetters seem so bloody determined that, damn it, absolute equality at home, no matter what the situation outside the home

Well thank God for that!
What's wrong with equality?
I have a very happy and solid marriage without the need to compromise on sleep or baths. Dh manages to hold down a job which requires long shifts a commute and hard work as well as taking his turn at early wake ups and other less enjoyable areas of parenting.

And that's great ledkr, and I'm pleased for you.

But my DH needs some downtime, which he really doesn't get at work. It's very full on. On the 6.34 train in to work, and the 19.57 back home. He doesn't ask for lie ins, I get up as soon as I hear my youngest because I actively want him to lie in. He needs it more than me. Simple. Usually for both days of the weekend. This time won't be forever, but for now it works. And you seem to think that it's wrong for a marriage to adapt with circumstance. It should ALWAYS be totally equal. Bugger it of one of you has it really quite easy compared with the other.

Coffee - your situation is massively different in many ways. Most importantly that you are happy with it. but also your DH is doing 5 very early starts and not getting up at 8.30 for a leisurely soak. You seem determined to see this thread as an attack on your own family. Why?

Coffee can't you see that your situation is nothing like the OP's? He's getting about 18 hours more sleep a week than her, and not getting up until 8.30am every day!

Good for you enjoying.

Difference is you didn't start a thread questioning the unfairness of your domestic arrangements. The OP here did. Perhaps you should read her op again so you understand the difference.

Are you sure he actually works at the weekend, op?

The op has a very restrained opening thread. In the six pages that follow, her DH is torn apart. The op then returns, pissed off. And rightfully so in my opinion.

She's not happy at this element of her relationship. I acknowledge the difference and suggested she open up to him. If he is the good man that she says he is, then he will respond and act positively.

It just gets me when I see posters going on about the need for absolute equality in the house. Any other situation is wrong, unfair,enabling, weak. A strong marriage isn't quite so clear cut as that. It's not equality no matter what.

Equality is equality.

Good luck with your life accepting inequality in your home life