Lie-ins for SAHMs?

[LouisaJF]

I was curious of your opinions on this.

I am a SAHM to two boys aged 1 and 3 and DH runs his own business. Seven days a week I get up with DS2 at 6-6.30 and DH gets up at 8-8.30, has a hath, gets ready for work and spends 5-10 minutes with us before heading out. In the evening he is usually home with less than an hour before bedtime.

Obviously I do all the housework and all meals for all 4 of us, including DH'a packed lunch. I'm also the one who gets up to the kids in the night.

At the weekend I still get up with the boys and he has a lie-in till 10ish and a bath. I get a lie-in once a month but have to wake DH as he never hears the children, which means I'm awake and can't always get back to sleep. I can't remember the last time I had a bath.

I know DH has a lot of stress on his shoulders with the business, but am I unreasonable in thinking I could have a lie-in a bit more frequently than this as my job isn't easy either. I think it stems from the fact that I rarely have any time to myself as I don't get to see friends much or have any time out from being mum eg a soak in the bath.

Do I just need to get a grip?

Good god op.
His life is basically carrying on as before kids in fact it's better because he gets all his meals made and his cleaning and washing done!
I suggest u have a serious talk about this before you waste any more if your life in this joyless existence.
You are a stay at home PARENT not a slave.
To not even get a bath when he gets one every day is verging on bloody abusive!!!

This is an unfair arrangement.. You both work long hours and the lie ins should be shared. My partner gets up once/twice a week, it benefits all of us.. I get to re-charge and he gets to have daddy and son time alone. When your kids are this young, the SAHM is always on the job and needs a break!

Your H sounds very selfish to me. You are working very long hours and catering to his every whim.

You need at least one weekend lie in and I don't see why he doesn't get up with the DCs a couple of times during the week also.

I also don't see why you should be doing all the night wakings too unless it is because you are BF.

He's a grown man and is capable of making his own lunch too surely.

Good grief. He should split the weekend and a couple of the weekday mornings too. You have so got/taken on the poor end of this deal! And pack lunches too?

The way you both have set up your family is this you do the mum work 24/7 he does thedad work the rest of the time he is entitled to relax as he did the dad work so you are on duty all the time how is that fair ?and does he manage to hear his alarm for work ok id be worried about hearing loss if he cant hear the children

Becool - cross posts, I think you made all my points!

I'm a SAHM, I get up the 6 days a week with the DC's (H works Saturdays). I then get a lie in every Sunday and then today I have just woken up and the DC have all had breakfast.

H also sees to DS in the night, he is 2 and 2/3 times a week he wakes up once in the night. I can't remember the last time I dealt with him in the night .

I do think you set up is unfair, perhaps you need to sit and have a chat with your DH and explain how you feel and see if you can come to some agreement. Him not hearing the kids though is utter bollocks, of course he does, he just choses not to.

Your set up sounds quite similar to ours. We have two dc under 3. Dh works mon-fri gets up at 7:30am. I (sahm) get up at 6am mon-fri with the dc. At weekends we're supposed to take it in turns for a lie in (one each) but the reality is that I have to ask for mine. Dh is not deliberately mean, but he would just sleep through dc waking up if I didn't nudge him and say 'your turn'.

It never works out fairly as he always gets more than me, e.g. this bh wknd he gets 2 lie ins whilst I've had 1. We don't argue about it cos it doesn't bother me that much, and I'd rather pick my battles (usually over housework ) but you sound like you need to make a stand. Your situation would start to make me resent my dh and seep into other areas of our relationship.

FYI, a lie in for most people I know with kids is til 8:30-9am latest, otherwise you're wasting the day with your children.

I'm not a SAHM but am on mat leave. I have a 3 yr old and a 10 wk old. I do all the night wake ups In the week (generally just one!) and then DH sorts out DD2 for nursery and let's baby and me sleep In a bit in the week (until 7.30am!) at the weekend he helps with the night wake up and we take it in turns for a lie in or just don't have one. He is lying in as I write this and I don't begrudge that at all because I think we split things really fairly. He also does some housework, I do more and cook more because I'm home but he will pull his weight when he's here. Maybe you should just ask your DH what he thinks? Do you think he's ever considered you might like a lie in / a bath...? It does sound like he's being a bit selfish but perhaps he thinks you're very happy how it is? A friend of mine only sleeps 5hrs per night (through choice) so naturally her husband gets a lot of lie ins but everyone is different.

I'm not a SAHM but am on mat leave. I have a 3 yr old and a 10 wk old. I do all the night wake ups In the week (generally just one!) and then DH sorts out DD2 for nursery and let's baby and me sleep In a bit in the week (until 7.30am!) at the weekend he helps with the night wake up and we take it in turns for a lie in or just don't have one. He is lying in as I write this and I don't begrudge that at all because I think we split things really fairly. He also does some housework, I do more and cook more because I'm home but he will pull his weight when he's here. Maybe you should just ask your DH what he thinks? Do you think he's ever considered you might like a lie in / a bath...? It does sound like he's being a bit selfish but perhaps he thinks you're very happy how it is? A friend of mine only sleeps 5hrs per night (through choice) so naturally her husband gets a lot of lie ins but everyone is different.

to be honest, i used to be in this situation as DH often worked lates so was never in bed before 2am, so expecting him to get up with the kids was a no-go.

After a while i did start to insist that at least every other week he get up with them on a saturday or sunday.

These days i'm so used to getting up early that i cant sleep in past 7 anyway, so i usually get up, and if i'm tired, go back to bed for an hour after lunch instead!

Why doesn't he make his own lunch for work? He sounds like a big kid.

My oh is pretty good of getting up with ds when he can. I am a awful sleeper, trying new sleeping tablets so fingers crossed. I think he knows now that by the end of the week, I am miserable, cranky and am a awful mood so letting me lie in to catch up for a little bit is a better option!

Have you asked him to get up at the weekend?

I also agree about the lunch, it would never cross my mind to make my husband's lunch.

I'm a SAHM and I get regular lie ins. DP is an early riser and takes the baby downstairs and catches up on his TV programmes. I would happily share lie ins but DP never wants one so on the very rare occasion that he sleeps later than normal I sneak the kids downstairs and leave him to rest.

Your situation seems very unfair OP.

Is this the arrangement you had when you only had one child? If so, then although hard on you, you really should have sorted this out before you had your second child.

And what's the deal with the bath? That is a particularly indulgent way of getting ready in the morning. A quick 5 minute shower is all you need.

My she gets up with ds every Saturday. He then takes him out and does the sainburys shop with him and a breakfast roll in the cafe so I get to have breakfast alone with two hands! It's great.

If you are up earliest Monday to Friday by two hours a day then IMO your dh owes you an extra ten hours of sleep at the weekend!!

Agree with others, your dh gets to have a bath every single day yet can manage only 5-10 minutes with his family??

My dp was quite similar when ds was first born and the set up you have seems similar to ours except I also work from home. I had to sit him down and spell it out that I was not his slave, and it wasn't just my life that had changed when we had children. If he wanted to the children to have lovely memories of him then he needed to start building them. if he wanted them to feel totally ignored and forget who there dad was then there wasn't much point in us being together, as it would be a bonus for me having 1 less person to look after.

It kind of shocked him and he told me he hadn't really understood how hard it was for me.

Now he gets up through the night as I struggle to go back to sleep, a Lie in for me has always been around 8- 8.30 (even before kids), so now we take it in turns, I will lie in till around then while he gets up at 6, then once Im up he can go back for an hour.

You need to find something that works for your family though, but one thing I will say is that you do need to make time for you, if you want to go see friends plan it, tell him you will be out next weekend. Does he do that thing where if he has plans he doesn't ask you to mind the children as he just expects it? Mine was really good at that!

It has changed for the better now though, just saturday gone he was planning to take ds out to soft play, and I said I wouldn't be going, (he used to hardly ever take him out on his own, only If I was there, the only way he got over this was to start doing it), I stayed at home and had saturday afternoon all to myself

His life sounds really stressful - rolling into work around 10 after lie-in and soak, lunch all made, tooling back home with it all done, just like single days, and two long lies at the weekend. What does he do for a business? Wow.

The only time I would ever consider making my DH's lunch is I was making mine or theDC's packed lunch too perhaps but I wouldn't consider it just for him, he would be doing that himself!

I have a couple of questions....

Your say your DH sleeps in until 8/8.30, however you don't say what time he gets in from work. If it's late I.e. Past 8/9pm, and your children are the in bed around 7 variety, then I don't think that is unfair. But I'm pretty relaxed about these things, so perhaps not the best person to ask. My DH is in a very senior role with an credible load of pressure. I am a SAHM of a 2 and 4 year old. Stressful, yes at times. Tiring, yes at times. Do I think that's is on the same level as my DH? No bloody way, so our family life reflects that I.e. I get up most weekend mornings at 6.45/7 with the children.

Do your children go to nursery at all? Do you get any time to yourself? If your DH is running his own business and it is a decent size and based on him, it is very likely he won't get a minute to himself. As a SAHM, I do get time to myself. Not much, but time to get my head together. Running your own business often means you don't get that time. His bath time is perhaps time to process his business day, what needs to be done, what needs to be resolved, future plans.

Look, I don't think it is right, because you are unhappy. So something needs to be resolved. I don't necessarily think 50/50 childcare at weekends etc is always appropriate at every point of a relationship. Work, health, hobbies.... It's a balancing act, and will change with time, The balance needs to be more in your favour.

Why don't you get to see friends often?

As for not getting a soak in the bath, why not? After they go to bed?

He is a bit selfish. Have you actually said. "My turn for a lie in tmrw so you'll need to be up at 6.30."?

Don't get the bath thing. Just have one at night when they are in bed maybe.

Does he not want to see his kids? DH and I share weekend lie ins (except when I was getting up 4 x a night, when I got them all to catch up a bit. Not til 10 though. More like 8.30) . In the week it would never occur to him not to be up and seeing his family over breakfast etc. My DH is lovely and not an arse.

He sounds very detached from family life. That wouldn't be ok with me.