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Original poster

Trigger Warning - Would this make you uncomfortable? (title edited by MNHQ at request of OP)

256 replies

TheoTheopolis23 · 15/05/2023 10:58

I've been trying to process something that my relatively new bf did the first time we had (significant) sexual contact.

One part of my brain is rationalising it and the other is uncomfortable about it.

We had had sexual contact before but it was the first time we had oral sex (me on him). I initiated the oral sex. He didn't gag/thrust during it and climaxed pretty quickly; the thing that's made me uncomfortable is that he grabbed my head with both hands and held me on his dick when he did.

I had neither decided to stay on it, or come off it, but obviously I hadn't really any choice when he did that. When he did that I don't think I pulled back or gave any strong indication that I wanted to come off it or wanted him to stop holding my head. To be honest he climaxed very fast and did that v quickly, it all happened very quickly. He let go as soon as he'd climaxed.

I'm rationalising it by saying that it was an instinctive, automatic reaction on his part when he was climaxing..... But I still have this feeling of discomfort about it.

Like, you shouldn't really do something like that without asking or warning the oral giver about it. It's quite forceful/lsvks consent (?)

I'd be grateful for perspectives on this please.

Afterward I jokingly referred to it (a bad habit of mine is to joke when I'm uncomfortable instead of saying how I really feel, though I had mixed feelings) and he just said he was (pleasantly) surprised when I starting giving oral without a word and extremely turned on etc. He didn't really comment on the "rightness" or not if grabbing someone head like that. He just seemed a bit sheepish).

OP posts:
Original poster
TheoTheopolis23 · 15/05/2023 11:00

I've realised I should probably have a trigger warning on this, I've asked MN can I add it to the title.

OP posts:
Pinklemons9 · 15/05/2023 11:07

Personally I wouldn’t think too much of this, I’d assume he did it without thinking. However you need to tell him you don’t like it, I also wouldn’t, and not to do it again. If he continues to do it after that then it would be a different situation. I’ve had guys try to do similar to me and I find it quite disrespectful but I don’t think they see it that way until you tell them you don’t like it and not to do it again.

StarlightLady · 15/05/2023 11:11

Yess it would make me uncomfortable and it would make me angry. I am no prude, I enjoy the closeness, reactions and intimacy of giving oral, and happy to swallow but in my view the holding of the head is a no-no.

Depending on how you feel about him, you may wan to discuss it and firmly say that it must never happen again. Or it could be a deal breaker.

Original poster
TheoTheopolis23 · 15/05/2023 11:14

StarlightLady · 15/05/2023 11:11

Yess it would make me uncomfortable and it would make me angry. I am no prude, I enjoy the closeness, reactions and intimacy of giving oral, and happy to swallow but in my view the holding of the head is a no-no.

Depending on how you feel about him, you may wan to discuss it and firmly say that it must never happen again. Or it could be a deal breaker.

Same here.

I know it's spur of the moment but there still feels like there's something a bit .... Like using you like an object/giving you no choice about it.

OP posts:
Shivvy120 · 15/05/2023 11:33

It is a bit objectifying I won't lie here, and it depends on your personal feelings on the topic. Some people would see it as awful & others may not but the point is that you feel bad about it. If I was you id discuss it with him more & what you expect in future, if you really like him and want to keep this relationship going.

Original poster
TheoTheopolis23 · 15/05/2023 12:17

I referred to it after jokingly but also quite "roughly" (as being face fucked at the end of the BJ) so I think he got that I wasn't entirely happy.

As I said he just seemed a bit sheepish.

He didn't actually apologise though.

I may talk about it in a more serious way going forward.

In the context of the new relationship, it's the 2nd time behaviour has made me uncomfortable, though the first time was not like this.

It was the first time I stayed at his and he seemed to just assume we'd be having sex - which I didn't and didn't want to. We did some kidding, "heavy petting" etc and I felt like he kept trying to escalate it to sex. I had said when it first started getting heavy, and he asked what were were going to use for contraception; that I didn't want to have full sex. We then continued having some sexual contact and I felt like he was still assuming we would and thinking I might go back on that etc. It got to the point where I said "you're starting to annoy me now, Im thinking of getting a taxi home, even it's ridiculously expensive". At that point he said he'd leave me to.slerp.in that room and sleep in another because he thought we'd both get a better night's sleep and he didn't want to "annoy" Mr further. And that's what he did.

Ive Bern in relation were where guys could kiss, cuddle, have light sexual.ckntsxt and sleep together - without having to have sex, or sleep elsewhere (!) I thought it seemed OTT. I don't know if he wanted to go elsewhere to finish himself off and thought I wouldn't want to see it/be involved.
I just had a feeling like ...are you a kid or an animal or something, with such a lack of self control. It has to be sex or you have to sleep elsewhere.

I thought I was being maybe a bit unrealistic (and he seemed like a nice guy otherwise) but then he did this the first time I gave him oral sex.

OP posts:
Original poster
TheoTheopolis23 · 15/05/2023 12:19

Apologies for all the typos.

OP posts:
Greenfairydust · 15/05/2023 12:38

The point is if what he did made you feel uncomfortable, then you should not ignore your gut feelings.

Personally I think his behaviour when it comes to sex is as a red flag.

Because you now have had two incidents where he seems to either ignore or push your boundaries.

I would dump him.

Littlebummybums · 15/05/2023 12:42

If you feel like this after 2 dates then it’s not going to get better ❤️‍🩹

PainfulAnkles · 15/05/2023 12:55

I was reading you first post in horror and shouting you to stay away from him!
I was suprised people saying that was okey.

And your follow up comments made it ckear that he is sexually coercive man.
He is.
I think you know that this is not okey, that’s why you are hear asking, just to get the final okey.
You are right, there is something wrong with him.

And since you know from previous relatationshios that not all men are this awful, keep that in mind and as a guide if/when you start seeing someone else.
Not this guy though.
He will escalate.

Original poster
TheoTheopolis23 · 15/05/2023 12:58

Littlebummybums · 15/05/2023 12:42

If you feel like this after 2 dates then it’s not going to get better ❤️‍🩹

It's not been two dates. We've been seeing each other for a couple of months. Only one night a week usually though.

OP posts:
Original poster
TheoTheopolis23 · 15/05/2023 12:59

It seems like, as more posters give their perspectives, other people would be very uncomfortable/put off by this.

OP posts:
TotallyFloored · 15/05/2023 12:59

He's made you uncomfortable twice now - I'd throw this one back. It won't get better.

fourelementary · 15/05/2023 13:00

Hmmm honestly? I can see it from both sides. You initiated oral sex without consent if you consider it that way… you didn’t discuss it and he may have felt violated or shocked… but he didn’t and it turned him on. But you didn’t know that when you did it. He held your head at the end, again without your consent but equally it could have turned you on. It didn’t.
Learning point to take away- discuss sexual preferences or decide on a sign that says stop… spoken or otherwise. Fwiw it can be difficult when climaxing to not grab on or hold on… I’ve done it to my husband.

Original poster
TheoTheopolis23 · 15/05/2023 13:02

And your follow up comments made it ckear that he is sexually coercive man.

He stopped and left the room though.

I do think his thinking was - maybe with past experiences shading it - that if I kept having contact, then I was not serious/fixed in not having sex.

Though the fact he felt he had to leave the room; I find odd.

I don't know if he just wanted to finish himself off (!) or if he really couldn't trust himself not to keep trying to escalate to sex. The latter is, as I said, hard for me to understand/not on my wavelength; like, are you an animal. What can't you just miss, cuddle, have mild contact and sleep beside the person. Am I being unrealistic? Especially inba new relationship.

OP posts:
Newusernameaug · 15/05/2023 13:02

I’ve dated guys like this in the past and could almost write word for word this.

my experience is this is a major red flag and shows who they really are and their feelings around sex, women, their rights etc. it’s not good and more things will happen until one day you decide that’s enough and walk.

Newusernameaug · 15/05/2023 13:03

TheoTheopolis23 · 15/05/2023 13:02

And your follow up comments made it ckear that he is sexually coercive man.

He stopped and left the room though.

I do think his thinking was - maybe with past experiences shading it - that if I kept having contact, then I was not serious/fixed in not having sex.

Though the fact he felt he had to leave the room; I find odd.

I don't know if he just wanted to finish himself off (!) or if he really couldn't trust himself not to keep trying to escalate to sex. The latter is, as I said, hard for me to understand/not on my wavelength; like, are you an animal. What can't you just miss, cuddle, have mild contact and sleep beside the person. Am I being unrealistic? Especially inba new relationship.

Exactly - he has no self control when sexually aroused.
which is BS because he does, he just chooses not to.

RandyMiceDavies · 15/05/2023 13:04

This would be enough for me to end the relationship.

Original poster
TheoTheopolis23 · 15/05/2023 13:05

You initiated oral sex without consent if you consider it that way… you didn’t discuss it and he may have felt violated or shocked

Have you ever met any men who feel violated when you start giving them a BJ? Because tbh, I haven't, and I'm not exactly a vestal virgin.

Also we had touched on OS during flirty/jokey discussion and he said he loves it.

He didn't saying he was surprised in any bad way, he said he was extremely pleasantly surprised and extremely turned on.

OP posts:
Killingmytime · 15/05/2023 13:05

Yes you can stay a partners house without sex!
i told my dp if be wanted me to stay over then that was the only option as sex was off the table.
there was kiss and cuddles but that was it.
i stayed over several more times, he was not pushy, and didn't need to sleep in another room…
i’ve got rid of guys for your blokes behaviour.

HuntingoftheSnark · 15/05/2023 13:06

I have experienced the "needing to leave the room" and believe that this is their meting out punishment, as in if they can't have sex then you can forget any intimacy at all. It's never improved, I'm afraid.

RightWhereYouLeftMe · 15/05/2023 13:08

The second incident you describe (the one that happened first) would bother me more. That would have seriously put me off to the point I probably wouldn't have seen him again.

To be honest, anything sexual that makes you feel uncomfortable is enough, it doesn't matter if other people would feel uncomfortable or not, or whether it was objectively wrong or not, you don't need to continue seeing someone who makes you uncomfortable regardless.

Original poster
TheoTheopolis23 · 15/05/2023 13:09

HuntingoftheSnark · 15/05/2023 13:06

I have experienced the "needing to leave the room" and believe that this is their meting out punishment, as in if they can't have sex then you can forget any intimacy at all. It's never improved, I'm afraid.

In all honesty I think he wanted to finish himself off.

He seems to have a hair trigger.

I think he (correctly) thought I wasn't really up for finishing him off or watching him do it

And/or he felt like he couldn't just cuddle and have mild sexual contact without getting really frustrated & uncomfortable; and so wanted to sleep elsewhere. I do find that pretty weird though.

OP posts:
Divebar2021 · 15/05/2023 13:09

I think if you’d agree to spend the night at his house it wasn’t unreasonable of him to assume that you were going to have sex. I’ve never slept ( as in actually gone to sleep) in the same bed with a man until I’m at the stage of having sex with them. I don’t think it was unreasonable of him to sleep elsewhere under the circumstances- although his manner around the whole thing may mean that he’s unreasonable generally. ( ie being stroppy about it)

StarlightLady · 15/05/2023 13:10

@fourelementary " You initiated oral sex without consent if you consider it that way " - Not so!

The way he reacted to the blowie gave deemed consent. There was no consent for him to hold the OP's head though. The two are not comparable.