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Original poster

Trigger Warning - Would this make you uncomfortable? (title edited by MNHQ at request of OP)

256 replies

TheoTheopolis23 · 15/05/2023 10:58

I've been trying to process something that my relatively new bf did the first time we had (significant) sexual contact.

One part of my brain is rationalising it and the other is uncomfortable about it.

We had had sexual contact before but it was the first time we had oral sex (me on him). I initiated the oral sex. He didn't gag/thrust during it and climaxed pretty quickly; the thing that's made me uncomfortable is that he grabbed my head with both hands and held me on his dick when he did.

I had neither decided to stay on it, or come off it, but obviously I hadn't really any choice when he did that. When he did that I don't think I pulled back or gave any strong indication that I wanted to come off it or wanted him to stop holding my head. To be honest he climaxed very fast and did that v quickly, it all happened very quickly. He let go as soon as he'd climaxed.

I'm rationalising it by saying that it was an instinctive, automatic reaction on his part when he was climaxing..... But I still have this feeling of discomfort about it.

Like, you shouldn't really do something like that without asking or warning the oral giver about it. It's quite forceful/lsvks consent (?)

I'd be grateful for perspectives on this please.

Afterward I jokingly referred to it (a bad habit of mine is to joke when I'm uncomfortable instead of saying how I really feel, though I had mixed feelings) and he just said he was (pleasantly) surprised when I starting giving oral without a word and extremely turned on etc. He didn't really comment on the "rightness" or not if grabbing someone head like that. He just seemed a bit sheepish).

OP posts:
Original poster
TheoTheopolis23 · 17/05/2023 15:29

OneMoreCookieMonster · 17/05/2023 12:58

How old is he?

It's a shame that it won't work but you deserve better than that. ALL women do.

This guy sounds like someone I have known. Could cum in less than 2 mins every single time, even on second or third seasion. It got boring pretty fast.

40s.

There are two of them? 😵

Just joking, I know PE is an issue among a certain percentage of the population. He seems completely unaware of it though, which surprised me.

OP posts:
LolaSmiles · 17/05/2023 15:41

He's in his 40s?

Treats women like objects, sulks when he doesn't get sex and makes it impossible for consent to be withdrawn. No wonder he's still single.

OneMoreCookieMonster · 17/05/2023 16:06

The one I'm thinking about will be 42 soon. He portrayed himself to be that always unlucky in love type, the guy who always gets cheated on. And, would blame his quick climax on being soooo turned on and it's like no one has turned him on like that before, Can't control himself, would say things like with other women he would struggle to get turned on or climax but with me it was different etc etc etc. Called him out on it a few times and tried to get him to just admit that is just how he is etc. But, no...lots of false compliments and love bombing. Ended up properly fucking with my head. Just another form of abuse and was definitely a covert narcissist. But, I discovered that after the damage was done.

Wasn't great on the whole consent thing either but I engineered discussions so he was clear on my boundaries. (And, similar to you tried to push for full sex before I was ready. Wasnt stroppy but said things like 'thats the closest I've ever come to not having sex) He made sure I knew his though.

This type of guy makes you second guess your gut instinct, makes you feel unreasonable for feeling and seeing those red flags. Guilty almost. Not sure what I was guilty of but just a strange lingering feeling like I was being unfair some how.

I fear situations like this are far too common and unfortunately they don't seem to learn. Too many women tolerate or shrug of this type of abuse.

Original poster
TheoTheopolis23 · 18/05/2023 08:35

OneMoreCookieMonster · 17/05/2023 16:06

The one I'm thinking about will be 42 soon. He portrayed himself to be that always unlucky in love type, the guy who always gets cheated on. And, would blame his quick climax on being soooo turned on and it's like no one has turned him on like that before, Can't control himself, would say things like with other women he would struggle to get turned on or climax but with me it was different etc etc etc. Called him out on it a few times and tried to get him to just admit that is just how he is etc. But, no...lots of false compliments and love bombing. Ended up properly fucking with my head. Just another form of abuse and was definitely a covert narcissist. But, I discovered that after the damage was done.

Wasn't great on the whole consent thing either but I engineered discussions so he was clear on my boundaries. (And, similar to you tried to push for full sex before I was ready. Wasnt stroppy but said things like 'thats the closest I've ever come to not having sex) He made sure I knew his though.

This type of guy makes you second guess your gut instinct, makes you feel unreasonable for feeling and seeing those red flags. Guilty almost. Not sure what I was guilty of but just a strange lingering feeling like I was being unfair some how.

I fear situations like this are far too common and unfortunately they don't seem to learn. Too many women tolerate or shrug of this type of abuse.

I'm glad you got out of it.

There's so much avoidance and immaturity in his approach to his PE there; if he acknowledged it, even to himself, he could get help & maybe change things.

I agree PE is pretty demoralising as a partner; I had never encountered it before (usually the opposite) and never imagined I'd want sex to last longer or be more than a few second thrusting exercise. It becomes almost blackly comical esp when they're there acting like it's all totally cool and normal and things are great. At least the man you're referring to had the awareness to make excuses (!) This one seems completely unaware it's not normal.

OP posts:
OneMoreCookieMonster · 18/05/2023 19:46

Oh god, feel your pain. Hopefully, you can get things sorted and work out what's best for you.

It's definitely not normal and a shame he won't help himself. His attitude towards it makes it nearly impossible for you to even broach the subject. Good luck and well done recognising your own boundaries and not excusing his actions.

Isthisit22 · 18/05/2023 21:35

Sorry you experienced this. Not really sure why you’d want to stay with this awful man. Especially as the sex is rubbish as well.

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