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Original poster

Trigger Warning - Would this make you uncomfortable? (title edited by MNHQ at request of OP)

256 replies

TheoTheopolis23 · 15/05/2023 10:58

I've been trying to process something that my relatively new bf did the first time we had (significant) sexual contact.

One part of my brain is rationalising it and the other is uncomfortable about it.

We had had sexual contact before but it was the first time we had oral sex (me on him). I initiated the oral sex. He didn't gag/thrust during it and climaxed pretty quickly; the thing that's made me uncomfortable is that he grabbed my head with both hands and held me on his dick when he did.

I had neither decided to stay on it, or come off it, but obviously I hadn't really any choice when he did that. When he did that I don't think I pulled back or gave any strong indication that I wanted to come off it or wanted him to stop holding my head. To be honest he climaxed very fast and did that v quickly, it all happened very quickly. He let go as soon as he'd climaxed.

I'm rationalising it by saying that it was an instinctive, automatic reaction on his part when he was climaxing..... But I still have this feeling of discomfort about it.

Like, you shouldn't really do something like that without asking or warning the oral giver about it. It's quite forceful/lsvks consent (?)

I'd be grateful for perspectives on this please.

Afterward I jokingly referred to it (a bad habit of mine is to joke when I'm uncomfortable instead of saying how I really feel, though I had mixed feelings) and he just said he was (pleasantly) surprised when I starting giving oral without a word and extremely turned on etc. He didn't really comment on the "rightness" or not if grabbing someone head like that. He just seemed a bit sheepish).

OP posts:
MorrisZapp · 15/05/2023 19:46

NCMum79 · 15/05/2023 19:29

In the same way nobody is obligated to have sex, nobody is obligated to cuddle a person with an awkward boner that has already been declined. I'm no male apologiser but come on! If I invited a new man round and he said...I don't want sex but i'd like to stay in bed with you - jesus i'd feel awkward. Am I allowed to kiss him full on? Does he want to fool around or just cuddle? What happens if he seems turned on? Etc... What are the terms of this? I would definitely be saying, that's fine, i'll make up a spare bed for you. It keeps it clear, it means nobody feels awkward. It means no lines are accidentally crossed

Exactly this. I wouldn't share a bed with a guy I wasn't having sex with, it would be awkward and weird. If I was sharing a bed with a guy I'd recently started seeing and he was kissing me etc but didn't want sex, I'd feel like crap.

It's normal to keep to your own pace and not to have sex until you choose to, but I think normally those kind of sleepovers would be in separate beds/ rooms.

He left you in privacy which I think shows consideration of your wishes, only you know how it came across though. If it isn't for you, there's no need to ever see him again.

Tellmetoday · 15/05/2023 19:59

Both incidents are vile.

The first one holding your head with force so you had no choice was not good considering it was one of your first sexual encounters.
Men tend to act a little bit more considerately at first until rules, preferences, etc are in place.

The second one, NO

It was him sulking because he did not get his way, highly manipulative and showed he doesn't care for your company without sex.

Whatever your reasons for not wanting sex he should have respected them and be content with conversation, cuddles, spooning, comfort care and sleeping.

He punished you for turning him down. He will get worse, get rid would be my advice.

Original poster
TheoTheopolis23 · 15/05/2023 20:00

I'm confused on the sleeping in other room scenario as I feel if he only wanted to 'finish himself off', he could have quite easily and quickly (as you've stated, he cums quite quickly) done this in bathroom then jumped back into bed with you and spent the night together as arranged. I don't think his only choices were to wank in front of you or spend night in other room. I agree with others that this was either him sulking or being massively manipulative - either way still a red flag.

He could have but with what I know about his recovery time he'd be back with another hard on quite quickly and since id said I didn't want you have penetrative sex and was starting to get irritated with contact that seemed to be leading to it (for him anyway) he probably thought he'd have a more comfortable night away from me, and also not risk irritating me further.

From my perspective I honestly don't think he was sulking or being manipulative on that night... I think he was massively revved up, was assuming sex would take place - perhaps from previous situations, he's made it clear he fancies me a lot, and when I said were not having sex, I have no intention of having sex, and stuck to it; he thought he better absent himself rather than "torture" himself and annoy me. He was not in sulky form the next morning, he was pleasant.

OP posts:
Original poster
TheoTheopolis23 · 15/05/2023 20:02

I do find that a lack of self control/maturity though tbh. My ex is not like that. He can switch off.
But in the spirit of "not everyone is the same", I didn't consider stopping seeing him after it.

OP posts:
Gingergirl70 · 15/05/2023 20:04

Are you considering stopping seeing him now? Have you seen him since?

Original poster
TheoTheopolis23 · 15/05/2023 20:05

I wouldn't share a bed with a guy I wasn't having sex with, it would be awkward and weird.

So you never had a relationship, even when young, where you had sexual contact & slept in the same bed, but not penetrative sex in the early days??

OP posts:
Original poster
TheoTheopolis23 · 15/05/2023 20:09

If I was sharing a bed with a guy I'd recently started seeing and he was kissing me etc but didn't want sex, I'd feel like crap.

I honestly don't mean to be offensive, but that's your issue.

I wouldn't feel remotely like crap if a new guy didn't want to have penetrative sex immediately, as long as he looked like he fancied me and wanted physical/contact.nif actually think he was far more likely to have feelings and want something meaningful than a guy who has to have sex if hel shares a bed with you and can't not take/push for the opportunity.

OP posts:
Original poster
TheoTheopolis23 · 15/05/2023 20:09

Gingergirl70 · 15/05/2023 20:04

Are you considering stopping seeing him now? Have you seen him since?

Yes.

Only spoken on phone.

OP posts:
Original poster
TheoTheopolis23 · 15/05/2023 20:15

Whatever your reasons for not wanting sex he should have respected them and be content with conversation, cuddles, spooning, comfort care and sleeping.

I thought this was relatively common.

I'm amazed at these posters who say they never share a bed with a partner til they're ready to have penetrative sex

You can surely do the above after you have penetrative sex, so why exactly can't you do it before you start having penetrative sex (?)

Is it not actually part of "pair bonding". I find it bizarre that it's "if we lie in the same bed; boom, it's fucking; and you can't expect anything short of fucking"

OP posts:
Arewehumanorarewecupboards · 15/05/2023 20:24

I love that you quite rightly have clear boundaries.
What he did was very wrong.

polkadotdalmation · 15/05/2023 20:27

Quite simple. Tell him you don't like that and don't do it again. If he does, he's gone.

It's unacceptable to force anything on someone.

MorrisZapp · 15/05/2023 20:34

TheoTheopolis23 · 15/05/2023 20:05

I wouldn't share a bed with a guy I wasn't having sex with, it would be awkward and weird.

So you never had a relationship, even when young, where you had sexual contact & slept in the same bed, but not penetrative sex in the early days??

Yes, I shared a bed with my first boyfriend once and didn't have sex. Neither of us had ever had sex before and although it was wildly exciting, we both felt a bit wary at first, so it took a while.

As a sexually experienced adult, I'd feel very different. I don't think most adults would be up for intimate spooning etc in bed together with a new partner they hadn't yet had sex with. It's like skipping a level of intimacy and going straight to the after bit.

Wherearemymarbles · 15/05/2023 20:39

Look at it like this. If you HATED semen in your mouth (and lots of women do) and he did this you wouldn't be wrong to consider it sexual assault.
He had no idea if you swallowed and didn’t give you and other choice.
The guy is a total bell end.

Usetherightgearforthehill · 15/05/2023 20:42

TheoTheopolis23 · 15/05/2023 20:15

Whatever your reasons for not wanting sex he should have respected them and be content with conversation, cuddles, spooning, comfort care and sleeping.

I thought this was relatively common.

I'm amazed at these posters who say they never share a bed with a partner til they're ready to have penetrative sex

You can surely do the above after you have penetrative sex, so why exactly can't you do it before you start having penetrative sex (?)

Is it not actually part of "pair bonding". I find it bizarre that it's "if we lie in the same bed; boom, it's fucking; and you can't expect anything short of fucking"

All of the posters saying it seem to have forgotten the basic concept of consent too.

By saying 'don't stay over until you want to have sex', 'don't stay in the same bed until you want to have sex' it's basically only a tiny hop to if you stay over you have to have sex. If you stay in the same bed you have to have sex.

MorrisZapp · 15/05/2023 21:11

Of course you don't have to have sex. There is absolutely no circumstance in which you have to have sex. But given the physically observable nature of male arousal ie a big stiffy, it might not make for the most comfortable of sleeps, and his suggestion of sleeping in another bed seems considerate to me. Each to their own.

Plottingspringescape · 15/05/2023 21:23

Grabbing your head seems to send a very clear message that your consent is irrelevant. It amazes me that people are saying they would be ok with that. I'd bin this one.

cunningartificer · 15/05/2023 21:31

The separate beds seems ok to me. It might say things about his sense of self control but at least he was being careful not to get into a situation where you felt pressured. Especially if he didn't seem huffy at the time. The control of your head worries me a lot more. For me personally I'd be concerned and if you give him another chance have a conversation about it first. But I think there's enough unease there to suggest you don't want to give him a chance and you were there so trust yourself and your own interpretation of what happened.

Original poster
TheoTheopolis23 · 15/05/2023 21:32

I don't think most adults would be up for intimate spooning etc in bed together with a new partner they hadn't yet had sex with. It's like skipping a level of intimacy and going straight to the after bit.

That's hilariously ironic.

OP posts:
OneMoreCookieMonster · 15/05/2023 21:34

I think sadly you guys aren't compatible. Surely these things would have been previously discussed before getting intimate? Part of the discovery and exploration phase.

What stands out for me is that you were held and ejaculated in without consent and that he was too insistent on full sex, when clearly you were trying to put boundaries in place. (To me it doesn't matter that it was oral over penetrative. He still came inside of you without seeking the proper acknowledgement)

He also sounds like he isn't taking your sexual needs into consideration if he is approaching you physically with actions that you're not keen on. Just because he got someone else off in a certain way doesn't mean all women work like that. He should be seeking guidance from you and exploring what it is that works for you. He sounds very immature.

Please keep respecting yourself and your boundaries. Youve done an amazing job so far. But, personally I'd not waste any more time with this one.

Original poster
TheoTheopolis23 · 15/05/2023 21:36

Usetherightgearforthehill · 15/05/2023 20:42

All of the posters saying it seem to have forgotten the basic concept of consent too.

By saying 'don't stay over until you want to have sex', 'don't stay in the same bed until you want to have sex' it's basically only a tiny hop to if you stay over you have to have sex. If you stay in the same bed you have to have sex.

Show quote history

That's what struck me too.

And another couple of steps to Roosh V style "if you went to his place/bedroom/alone, you consented to sex.

OP posts:
NCMum79 · 15/05/2023 21:47

That's categorically not what other posters are saying. Many of us do not want to stay over if we aren't ready for sex yet. It literally places a very clear line down and avoids any grey areas. Ergo, we would not say we were staying over unless we wanted sex. Now that can change at any point in the evening for any reason but it's a slippery slope fallacy to suggest this means that we MUST have sex if staying over. This should be obvious

Mummyofbananas · 15/05/2023 22:27

I'd have thought the sleeping in another room thing was maybe him being considerate of you, but you obviously didn't feel that way so it's concerning that he was doing it because he was annoyed with you- that would be a red flat.

The OS incident would be off putting, it's not something i'd be comfortable with even in a long term relationship and definitely something I'd want agreed first so I completely get your feelings on this.

I don't think there's anything wrong sleeping in the same bed without having to have sex. I slept in the same bed as my partner 3 or 4 times before I was ready to have sex and he didn't push it or feel put out once.

PromSeason · 15/05/2023 22:48

The head grabbing I'm not so sure. It doesn't sound like the OS was at all coerced by him (in fact the opposite) and only held your head as he ejaculated not during the act.

Ffs. ONLY held her head as he ejaculated. That does not make it ok. How dare you?

OP. You sound like you very much know what is ok and that isn’t ok with you. I’m with you, this wasn’t ok.

There's no excuse and don’t let some very questionable responses make you question yourself. We don’t know who is posting here or what their motivations are. They could be men who want this sort of behaviour to be seen as ok or they could be women whose boundaries are not good.

Trust your instincts, this man has made you uncomfortable twice now in a short space of time.

SleepingTilSummer · 15/05/2023 22:57

TheoTheopolis23 · 15/05/2023 21:36

That's what struck me too.

And another couple of steps to Roosh V style "if you went to his place/bedroom/alone, you consented to sex.

Show quote history

Yes, it’s all getting into victim blaming territory.

I would see what he did as a massive red flag OP. You know this, that it why it is playing on your mind. Our instincts are there to protect us. We just have to listen.

SleepingTilSummer · 15/05/2023 23:00

and only held your head as he ejaculated not during the act.

What a disgusting comment.

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