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Original poster

Trigger Warning - Would this make you uncomfortable? (title edited by MNHQ at request of OP)

256 replies

TheoTheopolis23 · 15/05/2023 10:58

I've been trying to process something that my relatively new bf did the first time we had (significant) sexual contact.

One part of my brain is rationalising it and the other is uncomfortable about it.

We had had sexual contact before but it was the first time we had oral sex (me on him). I initiated the oral sex. He didn't gag/thrust during it and climaxed pretty quickly; the thing that's made me uncomfortable is that he grabbed my head with both hands and held me on his dick when he did.

I had neither decided to stay on it, or come off it, but obviously I hadn't really any choice when he did that. When he did that I don't think I pulled back or gave any strong indication that I wanted to come off it or wanted him to stop holding my head. To be honest he climaxed very fast and did that v quickly, it all happened very quickly. He let go as soon as he'd climaxed.

I'm rationalising it by saying that it was an instinctive, automatic reaction on his part when he was climaxing..... But I still have this feeling of discomfort about it.

Like, you shouldn't really do something like that without asking or warning the oral giver about it. It's quite forceful/lsvks consent (?)

I'd be grateful for perspectives on this please.

Afterward I jokingly referred to it (a bad habit of mine is to joke when I'm uncomfortable instead of saying how I really feel, though I had mixed feelings) and he just said he was (pleasantly) surprised when I starting giving oral without a word and extremely turned on etc. He didn't really comment on the "rightness" or not if grabbing someone head like that. He just seemed a bit sheepish).

OP posts:
YeahYouDo · 16/05/2023 18:42

This man is disgusting OP. I hope you decide not to see him again.

Some of the posts I’ve read are shocking. From women, it makes me sad that they accept this as normal. Good men really don’t do this unless you want it. There’s no way of justifying it.

As for men posting telling women that it’s justifiable because they can’t help it or it will hurt them or whatever other rapey excuses they’ve come up with. 😡

OP, you sound fab. Its so important that women speak up on threads like this. They may help other women recognise unacceptable behaviour and abuse.

Surplus2requirements · 16/05/2023 18:42

porridgeisbae · 16/05/2023 18:37

I'm just thinking about how to minimalise the risks where 2 people have no idea where the others boundaries are

By only doing things that are generally seen as normal sex which anyone would see as usually part of sex, unless any deviations from the norm are agreed to beforehand. Or unless during or before the sex someone says they don't want one of the basic things (for instance, I don't like receiving oral.)

I know some people would say what people expect during sex varies. But I think people do know what is the norm. So for instance anal would have to be agreed on beforehand.

Agreed but there are grey areas especially if inexperience is combined with new relationship.

It's easy to make assumptions about what is normal. I'm not keen on receiving oral myself

Original poster
TheoTheopolis23 · 16/05/2023 18:49

*By only doing things that are generally seen as normal sex which anyone would see as usually part of sex, unless any deviations from the norm are agreed to beforehand. Or unless during or before the sex someone says they don't want one of the basic things (for instance, I don't like receiving oral.)

I know some people would say what people expect during sex varies. But I think people do know what is the norm*

Exactly.

With decent, well adjusted people, I don't think there's any need for a check box "boundary" UN conference before sex. It's not a fucking BDSM contract.

OP posts:
Original poster
TheoTheopolis23 · 16/05/2023 18:51

I'm sorry that I appear to have antagonised you, that's not my intention at all

I appear to be in good company.

OP posts:
Tellmetoday · 16/05/2023 18:51

I absolutely condemn anyone ejaculating into anyone's body without
consent but there is risk of misunderstanding of implied consent from
actions/inactions if there is no discussion.

I have no words, you really don't see it do you ?

It's frightening.

porridgeisbae · 16/05/2023 18:52

Ruined orgasms are very uncomfortable, ask any man that has accidently slipped out at the crucial moment.

Lol well they might say that to get another go at sex or something.

As they can come when outside a vagina then there's no reason they can't have a normal, pleasurable orgasm if they happen to fall out of the vagina.

Either way, it doesn't make his actions ok.

DoggosAloud · 16/05/2023 19:00

Surplus2requirements · 16/05/2023 18:42

Agreed but there are grey areas especially if inexperience is combined with new relationship.

It's easy to make assumptions about what is normal. I'm not keen on receiving oral myself

Show quote history

Another post to make women uncomfortable. Oversharing. No one wants to know your sexual preferences.

So, on this thread that you have no actual lives experience of, we’ve had you telling women to look up certain sexual terms, justifying why a man would need to forcefully hold a woman and now oversharing about your sex life.

Yet you say on this and other threads that you do not wish to make women uncomfortable.

STOP FUCKING DOING IT THEN!

I think this poster gets off on this stuff.

DoggosAloud · 16/05/2023 19:08

Ruined orgasms are very uncomfortable, ask any man that has accidently slipped out at the crucial moment.

FUCKING HELL! This poster just gets worse.

‘Ladies’...we can’t have the poor men being uncomfortable so make sure you’re ok with them orally raping you. Your comfort just isn’t as important as a mans!

FUCKING DISGUSTING.

Surplus2requirements · 16/05/2023 19:11

DoggosAloud · 16/05/2023 19:00

Another post to make women uncomfortable. Oversharing. No one wants to know your sexual preferences.

So, on this thread that you have no actual lives experience of, we’ve had you telling women to look up certain sexual terms, justifying why a man would need to forcefully hold a woman and now oversharing about your sex life.

Yet you say on this and other threads that you do not wish to make women uncomfortable.

STOP FUCKING DOING IT THEN!

I think this poster gets off on this stuff.

Show quote history

It was a direct reply to another poster that stated in exactly the same terms* what they *didn't like!

Will you berate them for oversharing as well?

Anyway, getting jumped on isn't helping the OP so I'll leave the thread.

OP I hope you find someone that shows you the respect you deserve

SleepingTilSummer · 16/05/2023 19:16

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

DoggosAloud · 16/05/2023 19:18

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

DoggosAloud · 16/05/2023 19:34

And that other poster hadn’t made multiple other posts about why men need to do this and suggesting posters look up sexual material. Those things, along with oversharing and your general behaviour on certain threads, is the reason I picked up on it. Others picked up on the time of your posts too.

But glad you’re leaving. Thats the right thing. End of.

DoggosAloud · 16/05/2023 19:36

tone

PromSeason · 16/05/2023 19:43

DoggosAloud · 16/05/2023 19:08

Ruined orgasms are very uncomfortable, ask any man that has accidently slipped out at the crucial moment.

FUCKING HELL! This poster just gets worse.

‘Ladies’...we can’t have the poor men being uncomfortable so make sure you’re ok with them orally raping you. Your comfort just isn’t as important as a mans!

FUCKING DISGUSTING.

This. It’s really disturbing.

Hope you’re ok OP. Some of these posts are dreadful.

porridgeisbae · 16/05/2023 19:43

Did the person mean me saying I didn't like a particular thing? I only mentioned it to give an example of normal sexual acts that someone might not want/enjoy.

porridgeisbae · 16/05/2023 19:44

I mean the poster who claimed another of us had overshared. I was just giving it as a 'for instance' in what I was saying.

DoggosAloud · 16/05/2023 20:06

porridgeisbae · 16/05/2023 19:43

Did the person mean me saying I didn't like a particular thing? I only mentioned it to give an example of normal sexual acts that someone might not want/enjoy.

I think he was attempting to use your post to justify his posts here. Your posts were absolutely nothing like his. His posts were disturbing.

bd67thSaysReinstateLangCleg · 16/05/2023 21:37

TheoTheopolis23 · 16/05/2023 18:19

I did t have to tell any previous bf not to grab my head in a lock at the time of ejaculation, I guess they implicitly understood consent and decency, eh.

So the problem would appear to be this man, not the lack of discussion of boundaries, BDSM style.

And how exactly would I have thought of and said "oh and I don't want you head locking me at ejaculation" given noone had ever done that before and i didn't know it was something I needed to say I wasn't on with? How do I guess his potential actions and circumvent them.

Lots of BS being spoken on this thread by a few posters. Thank fk the majority are not like them.

So the problem would appear to be this man, not the lack of discussion of boundaries, BDSM style.

I really hope that what I wrote didn't come across as blaming you for not mentioning to him that you didn't want irrumatio. I hope that my post made it absolutely clear that it should be a given that you don't want it unless you tell him that you do.

I'd like to restate: If your bf tries something freaky on you without prior discussion, that's abuse as well. He tried something freaky on you without prior discussion. He was in the wrong.

Original poster
TheoTheopolis23 · 17/05/2023 06:30

bd67thSaysReinstateLangCleg · 16/05/2023 21:37

So the problem would appear to be this man, not the lack of discussion of boundaries, BDSM style.

I really hope that what I wrote didn't come across as blaming you for not mentioning to him that you didn't want irrumatio. I hope that my post made it absolutely clear that it should be a given that you don't want it unless you tell him that you do.

I'd like to restate: If your bf tries something freaky on you without prior discussion, that's abuse as well. He tried something freaky on you without prior discussion. He was in the wrong.

Show quote history

Oh no, I wasn't referring to your post, and I didn't take that from your post.

I thought your post was interesting and another insight into the consent (lack of) issue.

OP posts:
Original poster
TheoTheopolis23 · 17/05/2023 06:41

(Also just to be pedantic, my instinct is not that he "tried" that on me, but that he did it "instinctively"/automatically at the point of climax ..... What that says about his character - to do that, assuming your consent to it or not caring about your consent to it, is the issue though.
Especially since I've had plenty of previous partners who didn't do anything like that, he's the first. So it's not like you can say it's common or people just can't help themselves. That's not my experience. Even if it was the first time he's climaxed from OS, that was also the case with my ex, and he didn't do anything like that at any point.

OP posts:
OneMoreCookieMonster · 17/05/2023 11:21

Long term have you decided what you're going to do? Have you brought this his yet?

For me the trust would be gone. He didn't even warn you he was about to climax...never been with someone who doesn't let you know.

Original poster
TheoTheopolis23 · 17/05/2023 12:49

OneMoreCookieMonster · 17/05/2023 11:21

Long term have you decided what you're going to do? Have you brought this his yet?

For me the trust would be gone. He didn't even warn you he was about to climax...never been with someone who doesn't let you know.

I don't think relationship will work out (which is a pity as he has some good sides and seems v open to commitment).

OP posts:
Original poster
TheoTheopolis23 · 17/05/2023 12:53

He didn't even warn you he was about to climax...never been with someone who doesn't let you know.

Me neither, that I can recall.

Your warning that someone is about to climax should probably not be them grabbing your head really hard.

I mean, don't you usually know when you're near; he's not a young man.

OP posts:
OneMoreCookieMonster · 17/05/2023 12:58

How old is he?

It's a shame that it won't work but you deserve better than that. ALL women do.

This guy sounds like someone I have known. Could cum in less than 2 mins every single time, even on second or third seasion. It got boring pretty fast.

123killme456withasackofbricks · 17/05/2023 15:19

yeah it sounds like he was trying to punish you for not having sex by sleeping in the other room. I'd leave it, especially as it is a new relationship

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