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Original poster

Trigger Warning - Would this make you uncomfortable? (title edited by MNHQ at request of OP)

256 replies

TheoTheopolis23 · 15/05/2023 10:58

I've been trying to process something that my relatively new bf did the first time we had (significant) sexual contact.

One part of my brain is rationalising it and the other is uncomfortable about it.

We had had sexual contact before but it was the first time we had oral sex (me on him). I initiated the oral sex. He didn't gag/thrust during it and climaxed pretty quickly; the thing that's made me uncomfortable is that he grabbed my head with both hands and held me on his dick when he did.

I had neither decided to stay on it, or come off it, but obviously I hadn't really any choice when he did that. When he did that I don't think I pulled back or gave any strong indication that I wanted to come off it or wanted him to stop holding my head. To be honest he climaxed very fast and did that v quickly, it all happened very quickly. He let go as soon as he'd climaxed.

I'm rationalising it by saying that it was an instinctive, automatic reaction on his part when he was climaxing..... But I still have this feeling of discomfort about it.

Like, you shouldn't really do something like that without asking or warning the oral giver about it. It's quite forceful/lsvks consent (?)

I'd be grateful for perspectives on this please.

Afterward I jokingly referred to it (a bad habit of mine is to joke when I'm uncomfortable instead of saying how I really feel, though I had mixed feelings) and he just said he was (pleasantly) surprised when I starting giving oral without a word and extremely turned on etc. He didn't really comment on the "rightness" or not if grabbing someone head like that. He just seemed a bit sheepish).

OP posts:
Whataretheodds · 15/05/2023 13:13

TheoTheopolis23 · 15/05/2023 13:02

And your follow up comments made it ckear that he is sexually coercive man.

He stopped and left the room though.

I do think his thinking was - maybe with past experiences shading it - that if I kept having contact, then I was not serious/fixed in not having sex.

Though the fact he felt he had to leave the room; I find odd.

I don't know if he just wanted to finish himself off (!) or if he really couldn't trust himself not to keep trying to escalate to sex. The latter is, as I said, hard for me to understand/not on my wavelength; like, are you an animal. What can't you just miss, cuddle, have mild contact and sleep beside the person. Am I being unrealistic? Especially inba new relationship.

Your update re the 1st time -you can't get annoyed with him wanting sex and then get annoyed with him for sleeping in another room. That's his prerogative.

He didn't force you, or try to talk you into it, or make a meal of you drawing a line, he just drew his too. Nothing wrong with that.

Re the more recent occasion, i wouldn't be keen on what he did either but i wouldn't see it a red flag necessarily in context. Makes sense for you to tell him clearly and calmly afterwards that you didn't like it. If he makes an issue out of that then that would be a red flag.

Original poster
TheoTheopolis23 · 15/05/2023 13:14

He held your head at the end, again without your consent but equally it could have turned you on. It didn’t.

Sorry but of have to put my bets on more men being turned on by spontaneous BJs (esp when they're said they like OS); than women being turned on by having their head held tight suddenly during OS while a man ejaculates.

The former is likely to be positively received, the latter not.

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Original poster
TheoTheopolis23 · 15/05/2023 13:16

StarlightLady · 15/05/2023 13:10

@fourelementary " You initiated oral sex without consent if you consider it that way " - Not so!

The way he reacted to the blowie gave deemed consent. There was no consent for him to hold the OP's head though. The two are not comparable.

Thank you.

I do think that poster is twisting themselves into a pretzel there.

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CadburyDream · 15/05/2023 13:17

Sorry to say but I didn’t realise the holding head thing was a big no no until I joined MN I’ve had men do it to me and I didn’t realise it was considered so awful. It’s never bothered me personally so 🤷🏻‍♀️ obviously it bothers you so doesn’t matter what others think. But I’m also another one that wouldn’t sleep over a man’s house unless I planned to have sex but again it doesn’t matter what others say and obviously you don’t have to if you don’t want to.

Original poster
TheoTheopolis23 · 15/05/2023 13:18

I think if you’d agree to spend the night at his house it wasn’t unreasonable of him to assume that you were going to have sex. I’ve never slept ( as in actually gone to sleep) in the same bed with a man until I’m at the stage of having sex with them.

I find that kinda disturbing and sad.

You're getting into Roosh V territory there.

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Original poster
TheoTheopolis23 · 15/05/2023 13:18

But I’m also another one that wouldn’t sleep over a man’s house unless I planned to have sex

Fk me.

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Original poster
TheoTheopolis23 · 15/05/2023 13:21

Sorry to say but I didn’t realise the holding head thing was a big no no until I joined MN I’ve had men do it to me and I didn’t realise it was considered so awful.

I don't mind a man putting his hand on my head non forcefully; this was grabbing & holding quite firmly with both hands so you could not have come off his dick if you'd chosen to.

I've been putting it down to in the moment/extremis and unthinkingness ... But I'm still uncomfortable, hence the thread.

And I suppose I've given is to plenty of other men who've not done that, so that kinda answers my question too.

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Original poster
TheoTheopolis23 · 15/05/2023 13:25

I should also add the background that we live nearly an hour apart, I don't have a car ATM (he does) and there's no public transport (pretty rural) after 4/5pm. That's why - I thought - we agreed I'd stay over.

OP posts:
PainfulAnkles · 15/05/2023 13:34

TheoTheopolis23 · 15/05/2023 13:02

And your follow up comments made it ckear that he is sexually coercive man.

He stopped and left the room though.

I do think his thinking was - maybe with past experiences shading it - that if I kept having contact, then I was not serious/fixed in not having sex.

Though the fact he felt he had to leave the room; I find odd.

I don't know if he just wanted to finish himself off (!) or if he really couldn't trust himself not to keep trying to escalate to sex. The latter is, as I said, hard for me to understand/not on my wavelength; like, are you an animal. What can't you just miss, cuddle, have mild contact and sleep beside the person. Am I being unrealistic? Especially inba new relationship.

Yes, he was very dramatic, wasn’t he.
He wanted you to follow him, tell him that everything is fine.
It’s manipulative behaviour.
It’s early days, there are red flags, he made you uncomfortable.

I’ll say it one more time, you been with better men - at least when it comes to saying no, sexual behaviour. Please keep that as a point of reference.
Don’t gaslight yourself into staying. You don’t know him, or own him anything.

Divebar2021 · 15/05/2023 13:35

I find that kinda disturbing and sad

Whats disturbing about it? It’s my boundary no? If I was dating someone and wanted to stay over but didn’t want to have sex I’d ask up front about sleeping in the spare room then there’s no chance of misunderstanding. That doesn’t mean two people can’t sleep together without having sex but if im not comfortable enough have sex I’m not comfortable sleeping with them either.

Collidascope · 15/05/2023 13:35

It would make me uncomfortable. Plenty of women don't want a guy to ejaculate into their mouths. He didn't give you the chance to stop, and I'm not keen on the idea that once a man has gone so far, he just can't help himself anymore. If you're uncomfortable with it, get rid, and don't ever feel bad for having high standards for the men you share physical intimacy with. God knows, society tries to make women set that bar very low.

LaviniasBigBloomers · 15/05/2023 13:37

His orgasm, the way he wants it, is his priority. That's the message I would take from both of these encounters.

But actually, and kindly, what I think doesn't matter. This is your boundary - work out what it is, set it and hold it. You'll know soon enough if that's a deal breaker for him (I think it will be, I think he's a bit porn-addled tbh, but again, my thoughts don't matter).

CeciNestPasUnPipi · 15/05/2023 13:47

@TheoTheopolis23 - I think you know that what he did crossed a boundary for you. Not just because of his holding your head, or his leaving the room, or his inability to accept that staying over doesn't necessarily mean sex.

It is a) because you were shaken enough to have posted here; and b) because you keep defending your (entirely justifiable) position on this. I think you're just looking for reassurance that you have a right to feel how you're feeling. For what it's worth, I'm telling you that you do.

Personally, I would have ended it the moment he held my head - I would have stopped the sex in its tracks. That is my uncrossable line right there.

SquishyGloopyBum · 15/05/2023 14:00

If it makes you uncomfortable then just finish it. It wouldn't bother me but I'm not you.

However, you said "Have you ever met any men who feel violated when you start giving them a BJ? Because tbh, I haven't, and I'm not exactly a vestal virgin."

I disagree with your thinking here. Turn it around/change the sexes. No one should assume anything.....

OrlandointheWilderness · 15/05/2023 14:08

Personally I love it when my DP does that, but we've got a deep level of trust built up over time and shared experience. I wouldn't be comfortable with this.

villamariavintrapp · 15/05/2023 14:13

Nah, I think him leaving to sleep in another room was designed to make you uncomfortable. You were supposed to ask him to come back, and then you'd be beholden to him and more likely to let him have sex. And holding your head is unpleasant too, it stops you from being able react as you'd want to.

Original poster
TheoTheopolis23 · 15/05/2023 15:53

SquishyGloopyBum · 15/05/2023 14:00

If it makes you uncomfortable then just finish it. It wouldn't bother me but I'm not you.

However, you said "Have you ever met any men who feel violated when you start giving them a BJ? Because tbh, I haven't, and I'm not exactly a vestal virgin."

I disagree with your thinking here. Turn it around/change the sexes. No one should assume anything.....

Averages.

That poster was saying both scenarios are equivalent but I don't think that's reasonable.

(In any case, he'd already told me he'd love OS from me. I didn't want to write a novel in the op).

OP posts:
Original poster
TheoTheopolis23 · 15/05/2023 15:56

OrlandointheWilderness · 15/05/2023 14:08

Personally I love it when my DP does that, but we've got a deep level of trust built up over time and shared experience. I wouldn't be comfortable with this.

I like giving OS however I would not like a man, no matter how long we'd gone out, suddenly grabbing my head with both hands and holding me almost forcefully in place so I couldn't come off his dick and choose whether to have him ejaculate in my mouth (and with no prior discussion).

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Original poster
TheoTheopolis23 · 15/05/2023 16:01

villamariavintrapp · 15/05/2023 14:13

Nah, I think him leaving to sleep in another room was designed to make you uncomfortable. You were supposed to ask him to come back, and then you'd be beholden to him and more likely to let him have sex. And holding your head is unpleasant too, it stops you from being able react as you'd want to.

I honestly think he either wanted to go and have a wank, or he found it too frustrating to be beside me in bed (having wrongly assumed that me agreeing to stay over and then having some sexual contact meant we'd be having penetrative sex).

I think he saw how irritated I was getting and didn't want to risk starting sexual contact again, maybe while sleepy etc.

I've noticed that he climaxes very quickly, I thought it would change when the newness wore off but it hasn't.

If it was in any way meant to punish or make a point etc, it would have failed utterly. Since I just went to sleep. And the next morning we were both perfectly civil so ...

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Original poster
TheoTheopolis23 · 15/05/2023 16:04

And holding your head is unpleasant too, it stops you from being able react as you'd want to.

Yeah, that's how I feel.

I consented to giving OS, I didn't consent to having him ejaculate in my mouth (in fact if I had, why would he have felt the need to grab and hold my head) .... And I don't feel like consent for that is a given. There are lots of people who wouldn't be ok with it. It's not exactly pleasant stuff.

I suppose I feel like he didn't GAF about my consent at that point and arguably being "in the throes" shouldn't make that ok.

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Original poster
TheoTheopolis23 · 15/05/2023 16:10

Men and women's strength is generally not comparable, and having a penis in your mouth is also not really comparable with having a vulva on your face; but I think if a woman did something similar; ground on a guy to climax and did something to stop him from moving his face/head (without having discussed it), it would be similarly lacking in full consent and a bit coercive, and a bit "using him like a sex toy".

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Ringmaster27 · 15/05/2023 16:15

Surely it’s just basic oral sex etiquette to establish if the giver is ok with the receiver cumming in their mouth?! 🤷🏻‍♀️🤷🏻‍♀️🤯
What he did is not ok.
If you’re feeling like this after a couple of dates, I’d bin it off!

Ofcourseshecan · 15/05/2023 16:15

CadburyDream · 15/05/2023 13:17

Sorry to say but I didn’t realise the holding head thing was a big no no until I joined MN I’ve had men do it to me and I didn’t realise it was considered so awful. It’s never bothered me personally so 🤷🏻‍♀️ obviously it bothers you so doesn’t matter what others think. But I’m also another one that wouldn’t sleep over a man’s house unless I planned to have sex but again it doesn’t matter what others say and obviously you don’t have to if you don’t want to.

Same here. He sounds quite normal to me. I’d tell him I wasn’t comfortable if he did something I didn’t like, and maybe suggest a ‘safe word.

But it’s your body and it’s ait’s what you feel that counts.

Original poster
TheoTheopolis23 · 15/05/2023 16:21

Ringmaster27 · 15/05/2023 16:15

Surely it’s just basic oral sex etiquette to establish if the giver is ok with the receiver cumming in their mouth?! 🤷🏻‍♀️🤷🏻‍♀️🤯
What he did is not ok.
If you’re feeling like this after a couple of dates, I’d bin it off!

Yes.

He doesn't seem to have been the recipient of much OS, from reading between the lines; but should that be an excuse?

It's been a couple of months; the assuming we were having penetrative sex was the first time I stayed over at his, but not the first date. Our first dates were walks, that sort of thing.

OS incident a week or two ago.

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Original poster
TheoTheopolis23 · 15/05/2023 16:23

He sounds quite normal to me

Really?

I've never before had a guy grab and hold my head firmly in both hands (or even one) so I couldn't come off his dick if I wanted to when he climaxed; and I've given OS to quite a few guys.

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