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Original poster

Trigger Warning - Would this make you uncomfortable? (title edited by MNHQ at request of OP)

256 replies

TheoTheopolis23 · 15/05/2023 10:58

I've been trying to process something that my relatively new bf did the first time we had (significant) sexual contact.

One part of my brain is rationalising it and the other is uncomfortable about it.

We had had sexual contact before but it was the first time we had oral sex (me on him). I initiated the oral sex. He didn't gag/thrust during it and climaxed pretty quickly; the thing that's made me uncomfortable is that he grabbed my head with both hands and held me on his dick when he did.

I had neither decided to stay on it, or come off it, but obviously I hadn't really any choice when he did that. When he did that I don't think I pulled back or gave any strong indication that I wanted to come off it or wanted him to stop holding my head. To be honest he climaxed very fast and did that v quickly, it all happened very quickly. He let go as soon as he'd climaxed.

I'm rationalising it by saying that it was an instinctive, automatic reaction on his part when he was climaxing..... But I still have this feeling of discomfort about it.

Like, you shouldn't really do something like that without asking or warning the oral giver about it. It's quite forceful/lsvks consent (?)

I'd be grateful for perspectives on this please.

Afterward I jokingly referred to it (a bad habit of mine is to joke when I'm uncomfortable instead of saying how I really feel, though I had mixed feelings) and he just said he was (pleasantly) surprised when I starting giving oral without a word and extremely turned on etc. He didn't really comment on the "rightness" or not if grabbing someone head like that. He just seemed a bit sheepish).

OP posts:
LolaSmiles · 15/05/2023 16:31

Two occasions he's prioritised himself and his wants over your boundaries and has assumed he is entitled to things. That's 2 red flags for me.

Ultimately it doesn't matter what he wants sexually or what other women might be comfortable with, if you're not comfortable then you have ever right to stop whatever you're doing and if his behaviour is making you uncomfortable then you're within your rights to end the relationship.

Like PP, I'm over perpetuating the idea that poor men can't help themselves once aroused/can't manage to be around a woman unless sex is on the table.

Turfwars · 15/05/2023 16:34

Both incidences would make me very uncomfortable and I think I'd be questioning whether to keep seeing him or not.

Like, he had to leave the room? So what happens when you are living together and he wants it but you don't. Does he have to protect you from himself? is it anger or lack of self control (either is pretty reprehensible tbh)

OrlandointheWilderness · 15/05/2023 16:35

Well good for you then @TheoTheopolis23 - not entirely sure why you are phrasing that as if there is something wrong with people for whom that IS an enjoyable part of it!?
You have your answer then!

Quitelikeit · 15/05/2023 16:37

some folks wouldn’t mind and they’ve said so and that is up to them

you seem to know where you stand on the whole scenario which is a good thing

Original poster
TheoTheopolis23 · 15/05/2023 16:40

Killingmytime · 15/05/2023 13:05

Yes you can stay a partners house without sex!
i told my dp if be wanted me to stay over then that was the only option as sex was off the table.
there was kiss and cuddles but that was it.
i stayed over several more times, he was not pushy, and didn't need to sleep in another room…
i’ve got rid of guys for your blokes behaviour.

Glad it's not just me from the "never stay over if I'm not ready to have sex with them" contingent.

Apparently that is "boundaries". Really?

OP posts:
Original poster
TheoTheopolis23 · 15/05/2023 16:41

Two occasions he's prioritised himself and his wants over your boundaries and has assumed he is entitled to things. That's 2 red flags for me.

I think you've encapsulated it well.

OP posts:
Quitelikeit · 15/05/2023 16:42

For those that wouldn’t do what the op did I wouldn’t bother arguing with her. You will never be allowed to put your view over.

FatAgain · 15/05/2023 16:44

He’s been pornified.

Back in the sea.

Original poster
TheoTheopolis23 · 15/05/2023 16:52

Quitelikeit · 15/05/2023 16:42

For those that wouldn’t do what the op did I wouldn’t bother arguing with her. You will never be allowed to put your view over.

I didn't have any choice to do anything; that's the point.

And I recognise your username. Not for good reasons.

OP posts:
Original poster
TheoTheopolis23 · 15/05/2023 16:54

FatAgain · 15/05/2023 16:44

He’s been pornified.

Back in the sea.

Weirdly he does not watch it.

(He has seen it but doesn't watch it).

He says he replays real sex he's had with partners to masturbate.

He is the most IT illiterate person I've ever met, his phone is ancient, he had no other devices.

Some men clearly just do this sort of thing "naturally".

OP posts:
NCMum79 · 15/05/2023 17:10

RE the oral - Giving and requesting consent for every aspect of sex is....not really plausible? You have to feel comfortable enough to say - I didn't like that. And know that they'll respect your wishes.

The thing about sleeping in seperate rooms because you weren't having sex....mmm. Bit excessive maybe? but also possibly he knows that if he's lying beside you he'll be awake all night feeling horny or that him lying there will be uncomfortable for you both? So - he's exercising self control in the way he knows how?

I know i'll likely be flamed for this but I feel slightly sorry for him. He's either exercising too little self control or too much in the wrong way

Original poster
TheoTheopolis23 · 15/05/2023 17:17

RE the oral - Giving and requesting consent for every aspect of sex is....not really plausible?

To some extent I agree, however (as another poster has pointed out) I think ejaculating inside someone mouth/throat is probably one of the things it's reasonable to establish consent for. As is restraining someone so they can't move during a sex act; which includes the ejaculating inside someone mouth/throat.

OP posts:
Original poster
TheoTheopolis23 · 15/05/2023 17:18

The thing about sleeping in seperate rooms because you weren't having sex....mmm. Bit excessive maybe? but also possibly he knows that if he's lying beside you he'll be awake all night feeling horny or that him lying there will be uncomfortable for you both? So - he's exercising self control in the way he knows how?

Yes, I agree.

That's why I kept seeing him.

A couple of posters posts have made me see it differently in the context of the OS head lock though.

OP posts:
NCMum79 · 15/05/2023 17:19

@TheoTheopolis23 So have you told him it's a no-no? Or are you thinking of ending it?

determinedtomakethiswork · 15/05/2023 17:21

The headlock is really horrible. If he is forcing you, he's not giving you the option to say no. In the bin with this one.

Shadowworry · 15/05/2023 17:23

Greenfairydust · 15/05/2023 12:38

The point is if what he did made you feel uncomfortable, then you should not ignore your gut feelings.

Personally I think his behaviour when it comes to sex is as a red flag.

Because you now have had two incidents where he seems to either ignore or push your boundaries.

I would dump him.

This the fact you brought it up and he looked sheepish means he just tested your shark cage and you don’t have a cage - next time it will be harder and he will say

you didn’t say anything last time and you enjoyed it etc

the fact that he is not keen to discuss or ask what you are comfortable with is not on

dump

piedbeauty · 15/05/2023 17:27

Hmm, two red flag sex occasions already - not good. If you really like him, have a serious talk to him about this and tell him how you felt. Does he apologise? Is he sorry? Does he promise not to do it agin? Then you can decide what to do.

In itself the head-holding while giving a BJ is not a red flag - my h does that. But he knows I like it, as we have discussed it.

Jessierabbitssista · 15/05/2023 17:29

My ex used to do this. It would make me gag. I even involuntarily threw up over him when he did it. In 7 years he never listened. Always just pushed my head down. I'd slap his thighs and try to shout stop but he still carried on the same old routine. Would hold my nose sometimes too so i couldnt breathe. I did refuse to do it in the end. And I did eventually leave.

Pinkplasticbathcup · 15/05/2023 17:30

I’m finding both of these events to be red flag-y tbh. I had a miserable relationship with (an emotionally abusive/manipulative) guy who was just obsessed with sex, wanted it morning noon and night, got stroppy if he didn’t get it, very coercive etc. It’s making me think of him.

I’d say your instincts are firing for a reason. I wish I’d listened to mine. Get out now.

LolaSmiles · 15/05/2023 17:31

This the fact you brought it up and he looked sheepish means he just tested your shark cage and you don’t have a cage - next time it will be harder and he will sayy ou didn’t say anything last time and you enjoyed it etc
Agree with this.
Sadly some men will test to see what a new girlfriend/lover will put up with, what her boundaries are, whether she'll feel confident to assert her boundaries, and whether she'll put her own feelings to one side or bury her discomfort in pursuit of the man's wants.

4plusthehound · 15/05/2023 17:31

At that point he said he'd leave me to.slerp.in that room and sleep in another because he thought we'd both get a better night's sleep and he didn't want to "annoy" Mr further. And that's what he did.

Here he is telling you loud and clear that you can have him only on his terms - ie we will sleep together if I get what I want - sex.

It is early day in your relationship. This will get much worse.

Original poster
TheoTheopolis23 · 15/05/2023 17:36

Would hold my nose sometimes too so i couldnt breathe.

That's a form of torture.

And it's featured in degrading violent porn.

OP posts:
Original poster
TheoTheopolis23 · 15/05/2023 17:43

4plusthehound · 15/05/2023 17:31

At that point he said he'd leave me to.slerp.in that room and sleep in another because he thought we'd both get a better night's sleep and he didn't want to "annoy" Mr further. And that's what he did.

Here he is telling you loud and clear that you can have him only on his terms - ie we will sleep together if I get what I want - sex.

It is early day in your relationship. This will get much worse.

To be completely honest I've discovered he's snores like (as Dylan Moran phrased it) two rhinos fucking in a vat of crisps ... So I'm not bothered about sleeping with him anyway.

Though it's obviouslg mr that had to get up and move rooms having lain in bed cuddling/having sexual contact of course; while he just sleeps and snores on.

OP posts:
Outdamnspot23 · 15/05/2023 17:48

I think OP you've made your own mind up here, which is a good thing: "I like giving OS however I would not like a man, no matter how long we'd gone out, suddenly grabbing my head with both hands and holding me almost forcefully in place so I couldn't come off his dick and choose whether to have him ejaculate in my mouth (and with no prior discussion)."

I think he sounds both tetchy (re swanning off to sleep in another room when denied sex), and crap in bed. Personally I made myself a rule to dump a man the very first time I feel he's trying to unfairly influence or coerce me sexually, whether that's something like persistently trying a sex act you've said no to, or crying when you're not in the mood for sex (sadly I've met both these men). It's stood me in excellent stead, whingey coercive men don't deserve girlfriends.

Original poster
TheoTheopolis23 · 15/05/2023 17:52

Pinkplasticbathcup · 15/05/2023 17:30

I’m finding both of these events to be red flag-y tbh. I had a miserable relationship with (an emotionally abusive/manipulative) guy who was just obsessed with sex, wanted it morning noon and night, got stroppy if he didn’t get it, very coercive etc. It’s making me think of him.

I’d say your instincts are firing for a reason. I wish I’d listened to mine. Get out now.

I'm sorry you went through that in a relationship.

OP posts:
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