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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Sex last night with bf...help **Content Warning** Title edited by MNHQ

318 replies

frugalnecessity · 23/04/2023 17:33

For background, I am 32 and he is 33. We see each other at weekends. He is usually sensitive, caring etc which is why his behaviour last night shocked me.

We generally have a healthy sex life, but last weekend he told me that he felt undesired by me because I rarely initiate sex and this is true - whilst I enjoy it, I am not that sexually driven. I took his comments on board and initiated sex last night but he was so different. He was like a man possessed - quite rough and I felt like I was just an object to him. He wanted me to give him a blow job, so I did but he kept forcing his dick further and harder into my mouth. I was gagging and wretching and asked him to stop and said 'no', but he replied 'no' and he carried on going, pushing it deeper in. I actually felt like crying. Afterwards I told him if he ever did that again he wouldn't get any more blow jobs ever and he apologised.

Yet today I can't seem to let it go. I feel violated and used. It sounds silly because it's not like it was rape but I just feel so unheard and unseen. To top if off he sent me a sex related joke after I left today on whatsapp. I replied saying it was too soon after last night for that and that I appreciated his apology but sending stuff like that makes me think he's not taking my feelings seriously. He has since tried to call me but I don't really want to speak to him, although I should. He is supposed to be coming over later and I'd really rather not see him.

Part of me feels like I'm overreacting and that I should just move on, esp as he has apologised, but I am still feeling uncomfortable and unhappy about the whole thing.

Am I being unreasonable? How should I proceed?

OP posts:
Dogman · 23/04/2023 17:36

He’s breached your trust at a bare minimum. It would be game over for me.

Plottingspringescape · 23/04/2023 17:36

You are not overreacting and it absolutely was rape. Sorry that this happened to you.

safetyfreak · 23/04/2023 17:36

to top if off he sent me a sex related joke after I left today on whatsapp.

This is the real him, huge red flag and I am sorry that happened to you.

Littlebluebellwoods · 23/04/2023 17:36

You need to end this now. He sexually assaulted and abused you. You don’t stay with a man who does this. End it now. It’s the thin end of the wedge and it will get worse when he knows you will stay with him as he abuses you.

end it now.

mistermagpie · 23/04/2023 17:37

Honestly? I would proceed by ending the relationship.

I'm so sorry this has happened to you, and don't try to fob off your own feelings with 'it wasn't rape' because it was, or sexual assault at the least (not sure on the legal difference but it amounts to the same thing really).

This kind of thing is often a man's way of testing your boundaries with what he can get away with. I would be worried this could escalate. Thank your stars you don't live together and walk away.

Susi4 · 23/04/2023 17:37

End it, he is probably capable of a lot worse.

EarringsandLipstick · 23/04/2023 17:38

I'm so sorry OP. I felt sick reading this.

As other posters have said, end it now. I hope you're ok this evening. 💐

indigovapour · 23/04/2023 17:38

You aren't overreacting. He continued after you said 'no' - that's a red line irrevocably crossed and you must understand there's no obligation to ever see him or speak to him again.

Brefugee · 23/04/2023 17:38

I feel violated and used. It sounds silly because it's not like it was rape but I just feel so unheard and unseen

Sorry, OP, it is just like rape. You need to rethink this relatiinship

Paperbagsaremine · 23/04/2023 17:39

Ewww!
Doesn't sound like a man you'd want to grow old with.

bloodywhitecat · 23/04/2023 17:39

You said "No" and he ignored that. There is no excuse and it is abuse. End it because it will escalate. Do you have a friend you can confide in?

CherryTreeBloom · 23/04/2023 17:39

He’s seen it in porn. No doubt he’s addicted to watching it.

Tinkerbyebye · 23/04/2023 17:40

Sorry you said no and he forced you to continue, he sexually assaulted you, you were crying for gods sake and he made you continue.

It doesn’t matter that he apologised after you told him how you felt, he should have stopped when you said no. Then a joke today!

thats a bye bye from me, he would be dumped, he is showing you who is he.

Crampo · 23/04/2023 17:40

It absolutely was rape, which is why you feel so overwhelmed. Maybe give rape crisis a ring. Or the police.

fdgdfgdfgdfg · 23/04/2023 17:40

That is at the very minimum sexual assault. You said No, and then he ignored that no.

Don't see him again. He's testing your boundaries and if you go back now he'll take it as a green light to keep pushing.

Frith2013 · 23/04/2023 17:41

Please leave him.

Speedweed · 23/04/2023 17:41

Trust your feelings - the reason you feel like this is because he's been horrible. Just send a message and say I don't want to see you again, after what happened I've realised we're not compatible, best of luck. Then block and delete. You could add that he's put you off having sex with him ever again, but although it's true you'd likely end up getting drawn into a conversation - particularly if he's predatory, he won't let it drop, so block and delete is best.

Fairislefandango · 23/04/2023 17:41

End it. Otherwise his takeaway from this is that you will complain but you woll come back for more.

SittingOnTheChair · 23/04/2023 17:41

You said no.

That's rape/sexual assault.

icerosenovember · 23/04/2023 17:41

You said no to a sex act and he ignored it. This is not ok.

Aquamarine1029 · 23/04/2023 17:42

You should end this relationship immediately, right now. Text him it's over, tell him to never EVER contact you again, and then block him.

Socialdistancechampion · 23/04/2023 17:42

You said no and he ignored that no. He raped you.

Littlebluebellwoods · 23/04/2023 17:43

He got off on you gagging and wrenching, and he did it harder. He ignored your no and got off on your humiliation. No decent man does this,

and sending you the sex thing today shows he is relishing your humiliation and degradation and he’s planning more,

get out now.

CatherinedeBourgh · 23/04/2023 17:43

The fact that he was able to stay turned on when you were visibly distressed is all you need to know.

End it.

Ella28_ · 23/04/2023 17:45

As others have said, please end this now. That is without a doubt sexual abuse and it sounds like he's capable of even worse. So sorry this happened to you.