Sex last night with bf...help **Content Warning** Title edited by MNHQ

I am so so sorry that this has happened to you, OP.

If you choose to end the relationship, it will be hard and you will have moments when you will doubt yourself. However, it will also never be easier to leave than it is right now. You don’t live together; you presumably don’t have shared assets; you don’t have children. It may not feel like it now but you will look back and see that these are blessings. You can extricate yourself and walk away ready to start your new life, free of this man. I wish you so much luck and strength

OP,
Do you want kids in the future? If so, don't you think you have a responsibly to make sensible choices about who to have as their father? It's one thing for you to chose to take a risk with someone who has done this to you but I don't think it's ok to take that risk on behalf of any future kids.

You've only been with him a couple of years, what happens if you stay with him and you go through difficult times? How could you ever trust him again

No one is saying splitting up is easy but I can't see how you can stay with him.

@frugalnecessity because you are scared and traumatised by what happened. Get out before you have financial ties and child ties with this man

It can be a one off, but only if you end it. He's pushed your boundaries once, if he knows he can he will do it again, and again.

frugalnecessity

if splitting up from shitty men was easy
this page wouldn’t exist

know that you having doubts and fear is normal as I’m sure he can be nice , affectionate and kind sometimes
and 2 years is a long time

but you will move on and you will be OK and you will look at this even with horror in time
and you will remeber more bad things

''@frugalnecessity · Today 11:02
As predicted I am wavering today. I barely slept - I felt weirdly hot and my heart was racing. I had an upset stomach this morning which I’m putting down to the emotional upset.

im wondering whether this was a one off, given that it is the first time it has happened in two years, and whether it is worth throwing an otherwise good relationship away for?''

Seriously OP you need to speak to someone and get some professional support about boundaries and healthy relationship.

A man who rapes you and enjoys your discomfort is not one you can ever have a ''good relationship'' with.

People are trying to gently warn you that this is not a ''one off'' either.

This is the start of a cycle of abuse. It was a calculated act and he has been grooming you to make you doubt your boundaries.

That he did it once is reason enough in itself not to have anything to do with him anyway.

Abusers can be really charming and they are masters when it comes to spotting women who might a little bit vulnerable and lack some self-confidence and they are very skilled at messing up with their minds...

im wondering whether this was a one off, given that it is the first time it has happened in two years, and whether it is worth throwing an otherwise good relationship away for?

Look at how he treated you after this happened. I am horrified that you might stay with this man. I don't think this relationship has ever been "good", I fear you really don't know what that even is.

You poor woman.

Of course you are crying and upset.

You are in deep shock and traumatised by being raped by the pig you were in a relationship with.

Please report him to the police.

Whether you proceed is another matter, but he needs reporting.

He knows bloody well that he was doing something wrong and his anger is from fear that you are moving on.

He knows only too well.

You are not the first and likely not the last.

Tell trusted friends who will support you.

This is not a good man.

He's a pig.

He is very comfortable sexually assaulting women.

Be glad you found out the truth.

If I made you a cup of tea and said don’t worry it only contains 5% shit stirred into it, would you drink it? That’s like your relationship. Even 1% of abusive behaviour is too much!

When you waver think of it this way . If you had a daughter would you want her to be abused the way you were the other night. Obviously it will be a resounding no . Please don’t consider for one moment, giving this vile abuser another chance . He has shown you who he is, and it’s not pretty. He’s not a good guy, he never was

So sorry to hear you’ve gone through this. It must feel so confusing right now. This man has taken his mask off and shown his true colours. At 33 you’ve still got time to meet someone. Please take time to heal, take care of yourself and get yourself ready to meet someone decent who truly loves you. If you stay with this man he will try to further destroy you. Staying will only set you back in the long run. Friends, family, baths, yoga, therapy, healthy food, time off work… do whatever it takes to help. Call support lines or use the text therapy service if that is easier. If you can confide in your GP now, it will make it easier if you need extra help with this down the line.

Sending love xxx

Agreeing with these comments.
He really isn’t a good man.

It is normal to second guess and have doubts. Your brain tries to make sense of what happened, to rationalize it, to match it to the person that you know, to question your memory and recall and if it really happened the way you remember it. You want to believe it isn't true. That is all part of processing what happened. It is good to talk to someone (like a professional) as you go through that processessing. You can never go back to the relationship you had. He will never be to you the guy he was before. Everything has changed. It just takes a while sometimes for your brain to get there too. His other faults and imperfections and yours don't really matter as this isn't really a list of pros and cons to decide if it is a healthy enough to stay type situation. This is where there is one thing that overshadows all else and becomes the deciding factor. This is a really hard thing to go through but you have the strength and you will come out the other side. Keep reaching out for all the help you can get from Women's Aid and other crisis services.

This is the start of a cycle of abuse. It was a calculated act and he has been grooming you to make you doubt your boundaries.

It's quite likely this is not the start, but a part of what has been a controlling/abusive relationship.

No ordinary, good man suddenly rapes a woman for no reason. It just doesn't happen.

All the dots are joined.

So sinister.

So premeditated.

So vital you go to the police and report him if you can.

You are not the first nor last.

This is who he is.

A predator.

You poor woman.

Sometimes, the thinking about breaking up with someone is worse than the actual breaking up.

just imagine we're all standing there with you, silent but supportive.
Because we are.

Oh god op. You can’t stay with a rapist abuser.

it won’t be the last time. It was just the first time. The next time will be worse. He will hurt you. You’re young, you don’t have kids with him. It is not any man, even a rapist misogynistic abuser is better than no man.

please end it, whilst you still can, before yoire tied to this animal.

Or one day you will look back at this moment and cry silent tears about why you didn’t walk right now and wish to god you had. Because what came next was so so much worse.

I’d also add op it’s hugely likely uoire not the first woman he’s raped or sexually assaulted. No man has a sudden aberration of character where he suddenly does this and gets off on it, his exes likely suffered the same or worse, as I assume he’s the same age range as you.

He was just biding his time, built up to it. Made his little complaint then did what he was always going to do. He couldn’t hide who he was be bus real desires any more, No man does that to someone they love. No man suddenly decides he gets off on this,

it’s hugely unlikely you’re the first woman he’s done this to, and it’s going to be worse next time.

the last time is the time you walk away. They never hit, punch, rape, assault or abuse, once, you know this.

So he will play nicely for awhile then he will degrade and humiliate you even worse next time when he thinks he’s forgiven.

Because you're not angry yet OP. You are more upset, disappointed, or traumatised than you are angry. Anger is very much a galvanising force.

How are you feeling this evening? Hope you’ve managed to get some rest today. Baby steps for now x