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Original poster

Sex last night with bf...help **Content Warning** Title edited by MNHQ

318 replies

frugalnecessity · 23/04/2023 17:33

For background, I am 32 and he is 33. We see each other at weekends. He is usually sensitive, caring etc which is why his behaviour last night shocked me.

We generally have a healthy sex life, but last weekend he told me that he felt undesired by me because I rarely initiate sex and this is true - whilst I enjoy it, I am not that sexually driven. I took his comments on board and initiated sex last night but he was so different. He was like a man possessed - quite rough and I felt like I was just an object to him. He wanted me to give him a blow job, so I did but he kept forcing his dick further and harder into my mouth. I was gagging and wretching and asked him to stop and said 'no', but he replied 'no' and he carried on going, pushing it deeper in. I actually felt like crying. Afterwards I told him if he ever did that again he wouldn't get any more blow jobs ever and he apologised.

Yet today I can't seem to let it go. I feel violated and used. It sounds silly because it's not like it was rape but I just feel so unheard and unseen. To top if off he sent me a sex related joke after I left today on whatsapp. I replied saying it was too soon after last night for that and that I appreciated his apology but sending stuff like that makes me think he's not taking my feelings seriously. He has since tried to call me but I don't really want to speak to him, although I should. He is supposed to be coming over later and I'd really rather not see him.

Part of me feels like I'm overreacting and that I should just move on, esp as he has apologised, but I am still feeling uncomfortable and unhappy about the whole thing.

Am I being unreasonable? How should I proceed?

OP posts:
PollyAmour · 23/04/2023 17:56

End this relationship now. He's a rapist. I am so sorry this happened to you. Talk to rape crisis, they will help you understand.

Firewalk · 23/04/2023 17:57

That's horrible.

You can find some help here Flowers

https://rapecrisis.org.uk/get-help/it-happened-recently/

Companion42 · 23/04/2023 17:57

CatherinedeBourgh · 23/04/2023 17:43

The fact that he was able to stay turned on when you were visibly distressed is all you need to know.

End it.

100 times this OP.

I'm so sorry he did this to you. You need to end the relationship

Littlebluebellwoods · 23/04/2023 17:57

I can’t believe he sent the sex thing through..he’s literally getting off on her distress and degradation.the sex thing on what’s app was cruelty. Laughing at her and what she let him do.

Behindtheback · 23/04/2023 17:58

I’m so sorry that has happened.

Just because you’ve given him an ultimatum and challenged his text doesn’t mean you can’t now turn around and tell him that it’s over. I know that’s stating the obvious but sometimes when we’re going through shock, our reasoning and thought processes can be weird.

If you continue you’re giving him the message that you won’t dump him for

  • criticising your natural sex drive
  • sexual assault
  • ignoring no
  • gaslighting (sex jokes in that context are just that)

What else are you prepared to add to that list.
You deserve so much better.

Needanewnamebeingwatched · 23/04/2023 17:58

You said no, he repeated it and carried on

He raped you

Please report him to the police and leave him.

Littlebluebellwoods · 23/04/2023 17:59

frugalnecessity · 23/04/2023 17:56

Oh my god I actually feel sick reading all of your replies. Thank you so much for all your support and for validating my feelings. I can't believe this has happened

This isn’t a long relationship is it. It’s been months rather than years?

EmpeBe · 23/04/2023 17:59

Not “like rape”, it IS rape, the legal definition of which is “intentional penetration of another’s vagina, anus or mouth with a penis, without the other person’s consent”. Get rid now.

Valour · 23/04/2023 17:59

CatherinedeBourgh · 23/04/2023 17:43

The fact that he was able to stay turned on when you were visibly distressed is all you need to know.

End it.

This.

He is not a good or kind man. He's shown you who he is. Please please don't make excuses for him, you deserve kindness.

Derrymum123 · 23/04/2023 18:00

You were raped. Consider contacting Rape Crisis and/or the police.
Block this man. This is the tip of the iceberg. RED FLAG!!!

Thoughtful2355 · 23/04/2023 18:00

Well it is rape if you said no and he refused to stop.

Also he is doing a pretty stupid thing if he wants you to want sex more.. why u gunna want it more??

Littlebluebellwoods · 23/04/2023 18:01

Derrymum123 · 23/04/2023 18:00

You were raped. Consider contacting Rape Crisis and/or the police.
Block this man. This is the tip of the iceberg. RED FLAG!!!

I think rape is a bit more than a red flag.

ItsNotUnusualToBe · 23/04/2023 18:03

When someone shows you who they are, believe them.

Restinggoddess · 23/04/2023 18:04

As so many have said this was assault.

Please leave him. No doubt he will try every trick in the book to suggest you are at fault / over reacting / it won’t happen again / heat of the moment / if you love him you will ….

Please take advice that has been given - leave him

Stay strong

Wishing you all the best - you deserve to be respected and loved

CordyLines · 23/04/2023 18:05

If you don't end it now, next time he very well may try to asphyxiate you in some way to enhance his rapey control experience.

I am horrified at what you experienced, but sadly I'm guessing it is not all that unusual. Boundaries.....

Aquamarine1029 · 23/04/2023 18:05

Don't ever see him again. He's a very dangerous man.

Littlebluebellwoods · 23/04/2023 18:06

Actually just read your other threads, you’ve been with him two years? Is this the first time he’s assaulted or abused you?

BSB30 · 23/04/2023 18:07

This is awful OP, I am so so sorry that you went through this.

The moment you said 'no' and told him to stop should have been the moment that he did stop. There is absolutely no excuse for what he did.

I am married and have been for 9 years but if my DH did this, it would be marriage over for me.

Xrays · 23/04/2023 18:07

He’s a nasty, nasty man. Trust your gut instincts.

VanillaCandles · 23/04/2023 18:07

This is rape, OP. You stopped giving your consent, he kept going.

Dump him, and tell him why you’re dumping him. This is absolutely not ok.

Ohrwurm · 23/04/2023 18:08

You are allowed to change your mind any time during any sexual encounters. You asked him to stop. He said no. You were sexually assaulted. I'm sorry you went through that. It is absolutely not your fault and please leave him.

gamerchick · 23/04/2023 18:08

You said no. He refused, he commited a crime.

Send him a message saying you're not up for being sexually assaulted again, the trust is gone and if he contacts you again you'll be calling the police and reporting him.

BSB30 · 23/04/2023 18:11

I also want to add that yes it is rape by the legal definition.

SirVixofVixHall · 23/04/2023 18:11

Agree with everyone re rape, dump him.
Men get away with this behaviour by making women feel that it isn’t assault, that they got “carried away” etc. it absolutely is assault and his behaviour will get worse.
I am so sorry OP. Do you feel that you could talk to a helpline for some support ?

Cosycover · 23/04/2023 18:12

I would tell him not to come over.
You need time to process your feelings. And he doesn't seem to think he has done anything that wrong. It's actually horrifying what porn is doing to mens desires.

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