Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Sex last night with bf...help **Content Warning** Title edited by MNHQ

318 replies

frugalnecessity · 23/04/2023 17:33

For background, I am 32 and he is 33. We see each other at weekends. He is usually sensitive, caring etc which is why his behaviour last night shocked me.

We generally have a healthy sex life, but last weekend he told me that he felt undesired by me because I rarely initiate sex and this is true - whilst I enjoy it, I am not that sexually driven. I took his comments on board and initiated sex last night but he was so different. He was like a man possessed - quite rough and I felt like I was just an object to him. He wanted me to give him a blow job, so I did but he kept forcing his dick further and harder into my mouth. I was gagging and wretching and asked him to stop and said 'no', but he replied 'no' and he carried on going, pushing it deeper in. I actually felt like crying. Afterwards I told him if he ever did that again he wouldn't get any more blow jobs ever and he apologised.

Yet today I can't seem to let it go. I feel violated and used. It sounds silly because it's not like it was rape but I just feel so unheard and unseen. To top if off he sent me a sex related joke after I left today on whatsapp. I replied saying it was too soon after last night for that and that I appreciated his apology but sending stuff like that makes me think he's not taking my feelings seriously. He has since tried to call me but I don't really want to speak to him, although I should. He is supposed to be coming over later and I'd really rather not see him.

Part of me feels like I'm overreacting and that I should just move on, esp as he has apologised, but I am still feeling uncomfortable and unhappy about the whole thing.

Am I being unreasonable? How should I proceed?

OP posts:
Zanatdy · 23/04/2023 18:22

God you’re not over reacting. That‘a a total violation and I wouldn’t even be seeing him again let alone not giving him a blow job again. It is a concern also what he is capable of when you’ve clearly said no and he ignored that

DanceMonkey19 · 23/04/2023 18:23

I'm so sorry OP. Just another voice adding to the chorus - you are SO not being over the top. That was really horrible what he did to you. Where is the respect and care? You shouldn't need to get past this, he has shown you who he is. Big hugs.

PaigeMatthews · 23/04/2023 18:23

joelmillersbackpack · 23/04/2023 18:21

This is completely correct. He engineered a situation where he knew he could assault you and minimise it.
Please end this relationship immediately.

Show quote history

This op.

dump him. Tell him youre obviously not suited and end it.

asked him to stop and said 'no', but he replied 'no' and he carried on going, pushing it deeper in. I actually felt like crying
this is not ok. He doesnt get to do this. He certainly doesn't get a second
chance to prove he wont assault you again. It has already happened.

ArabeIIaScott · 23/04/2023 18:24

Flowers OP, I'm so very sorry. Please take some time to look after yourself. You've suffered a horrible experience, and you may well need some support to process.

It goes without saying you need to get out of this relationship, of course. Women's Aid can advise.

https://www.nhs.uk/live-well/sexual-health/help-after-rape-and-sexual-assault/

nhs.uk

Help after rape and sexual assault

Find out about sexual assault and rape, where to get help and whether it has to be reported to the police, plus how to find a sexual assault referral centre.

https://www.nhs.uk/live-well/sexual-health/help-after-rape-and-sexual-assault

PyjamaFan · 23/04/2023 18:25

Are you OK OP?

DanceMonkey19 · 23/04/2023 18:25

Spambod · 23/04/2023 18:14

That’s why he specifically made sure you initiated sex so that you felt you had asked for it and he would always have this as his excuse. He has done this before to other women. This is the sex he enjoys. He has manipulated you. I am so sorry he treated you like this op. No decent man would do this. The sexual WhatsApp was also him arse covering. Again because he has done this before he knows how to play it so it looks like mutual consent. Run for the fucking hills.

💯 this.

GreenFingersWouldBeHandy · 23/04/2023 18:25

Tell him to fuck off. To stay away from you. Block him. You said 'No' and he carried on. Rape.

So sorry, I hope you can speak to a friend in real life about next steps.

BreviloquentBastard · 23/04/2023 18:26

This reply has been deleted

We've removed this post as it's not in the spirit of the site.

This might just be the stupidest goddamn post I've ever read on here.

One, it's very easy to repair a violin string and have the instrument be absolutely perfect and playable for years after the repair, so your analogy is moronic and makes no sense.

Two, OP has been raped by someone she thought she could trust, this is hardly the time to practice your amateur creative writing.

Hugs OP, I'm sorry this happened to you.

Ellie56 · 23/04/2023 18:26

It absolutely was rape. You should report him. What a vile piece of shit he is.

https://www.met.police.uk/advice/advice-and-information/rsa/rape-and-sexual-assault/what-is-rape-and-sexual-assault/

Please look after yourself. Flowers

MasterBeth · 23/04/2023 18:26

This is a dreadful post that seeks to remove blame from this rapist.

The rapist alone is entirely responsible for his actions. A fucking demon didn’t do it.

JacquelinePot · 23/04/2023 18:27

God, that's horrible. I'm so sorry he did that to you op. I agree with pps, this is who he really is. Trust your gut.

A small thing to those saying "sorry that happened", it's probably just an unconscious turn of phrase, but it always gets my hackles up... it didn't just "happen". A man did it. He had agency and he proactively chose to do that. It wasn't a natural occurance or an act of god. A man did it.

ttcat37 · 23/04/2023 18:27

As everyone else has said, this is rape.

Please know that if you wanted to go to the police about this then time is of the essence to take evidential samples. If you were to go that route that you would probably be given opportunity to speak to a rape crisis counsellor at the same time.

TitoMojito · 23/04/2023 18:28
Biscuit
LakeTiticaca · 23/04/2023 18:28

Sometimes the lines of consent can be blurred but it seems in this case you were very clear that you did not want this.
He massively overstepped the boundaries and I firmly believe you should end this x

VanillaCandles · 23/04/2023 18:28

MasterBeth · 23/04/2023 18:26

This is a dreadful post that seeks to remove blame from this rapist.

The rapist alone is entirely responsible for his actions. A fucking demon didn’t do it.

Agree completely. Saying he was possessed puts the blame on some fictional monster instead of him.

And offering advice for her should she choose to stay with him? Absolutely DO NOT stay with someone who has abused you!!

This post is not it

Zone2NorthLondon · 23/04/2023 18:28

It was forceful without consent,he ignored you saying no! That’s rape. Absolutely
For me,it’s a definite finish it. Safety first, get back any keys,change passwords,. You split up and if you can safely tell him face to face without repercussions or retaliation do so. Otherwise split up by phone,sm or text

DinosWillGetYou · 23/04/2023 18:29

OP I’m so sorry this happened to you. You must be totally in shock at the moment and not know what to think.
As a SA survivor I know how confused you must be, just know that what he did was absolutely wrong and disgusting and sexual assault, and that none of it was your fault.

Chchchchchangesss · 23/04/2023 18:29

It is rape op and you are not overreacting to be upset about it. You could contact rape crisis for some help in the short term.

KnackeredAF · 23/04/2023 18:31

No means no. Doesn’t matter how far into the activity you are, you can stop at any point.

Not sure where you are, OP, but it might be worth looking for a SARC near you. Specialist clinics you can access after sexual assault/rape where you are assessed by a specially trained doctor (they can take swabs/examine etc in case you plan on going to police) but they can also organise counselling/support for you.

Reach out to friends to support you where you can.

I was sexually assaulted when I was at uni and it took me years to work out that it wasn’t just a bit of booze and mixed messages, it was assault. It still distresses me 12 years later.

romany4 · 23/04/2023 18:31

You are not over reacting at all!
I've been with DH 33 years and he has NEVER done this to me...

He assaulted you. I'd run and not look back...ever.

RhubarbFairy · 23/04/2023 18:31

Littlebluebellwoods · 23/04/2023 17:43

He got off on you gagging and wrenching, and he did it harder. He ignored your no and got off on your humiliation. No decent man does this,

and sending you the sex thing today shows he is relishing your humiliation and degradation and he’s planning more,

get out now.

This sums up exactly what I would have said. He's testing your boundaries. This is only the start.

Georgyporky · 23/04/2023 18:31

My exH did this once - I bit him.

OrangeRock · 23/04/2023 18:32

@frugalnecessity i agree with everyone else it was rape. No normal decent man would when you said no keep going and make you gag. A normal man would stop and be mortified they hurt you, they would have lost any sexual enjoyment seeing you hurt or in distress, not got off on it further.

You’ve had some good advice, and whether you choose to report him or just speak to one of the advice lines, whatever you do don’t let him round this evening. You can lie and say you have a migraine/vomiting bug/emergency baby sitting, whatever just tell him no. Don’t over explain or respond. Does he have a key?

Imamumgetmeoutofhere · 23/04/2023 18:32

Absolutely was rape. Sex is only consensual if you are willing and say yes and becomes non-consensual and therefore rape if you change your mind and say no but they carry on. Oral sex against your will is still rape, just as vaginal or anal intercourse against your will is rape.

Please think very carefully about your next steps with this man. Abuse (and this is abuse) doesn't generally stop at one attack and will progressively get worse

Lovelent23 · 23/04/2023 18:33

You said no, he ignored you and kept doing what he wanted: that IS rape.