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Original poster

Sex last night with bf...help **Content Warning** Title edited by MNHQ

318 replies

frugalnecessity · 23/04/2023 17:33

For background, I am 32 and he is 33. We see each other at weekends. He is usually sensitive, caring etc which is why his behaviour last night shocked me.

We generally have a healthy sex life, but last weekend he told me that he felt undesired by me because I rarely initiate sex and this is true - whilst I enjoy it, I am not that sexually driven. I took his comments on board and initiated sex last night but he was so different. He was like a man possessed - quite rough and I felt like I was just an object to him. He wanted me to give him a blow job, so I did but he kept forcing his dick further and harder into my mouth. I was gagging and wretching and asked him to stop and said 'no', but he replied 'no' and he carried on going, pushing it deeper in. I actually felt like crying. Afterwards I told him if he ever did that again he wouldn't get any more blow jobs ever and he apologised.

Yet today I can't seem to let it go. I feel violated and used. It sounds silly because it's not like it was rape but I just feel so unheard and unseen. To top if off he sent me a sex related joke after I left today on whatsapp. I replied saying it was too soon after last night for that and that I appreciated his apology but sending stuff like that makes me think he's not taking my feelings seriously. He has since tried to call me but I don't really want to speak to him, although I should. He is supposed to be coming over later and I'd really rather not see him.

Part of me feels like I'm overreacting and that I should just move on, esp as he has apologised, but I am still feeling uncomfortable and unhappy about the whole thing.

Am I being unreasonable? How should I proceed?

OP posts:
VanillaCandles · 23/04/2023 18:12

This reply has been deleted

We've removed this post as it's not in the spirit of the site.

Now is not really the time to wax lyrical. Love is like a violin in that in the case of your love raping you, you can use a violin to whack them over the head with.

AGovernmentOfLawsAndNotMen · 23/04/2023 18:12

As others have said I’d finish it too.
I found what you went through upsetting, degrading and abusive.

Ringmaster27 · 23/04/2023 18:13

Echoing what everyone else has said.
At best, he has blurred views when it comes to consent. At worst this is just the start of him showing his true colours and it will continue to get worse.
You feel violated because he has violated you in several ways.
Get rid.

liste · 23/04/2023 18:13

When you say no and he does it anyway it's rape.

If you're not comfortable calling it that then call it anything you want but what happened to you is real and you're right to feel violated.

He heard your no and ignored it. What kind of sicko does that?

I was in a similar situation and spent years telling myself it wasn't sexual assault but it didn't stop it from affecting me.

I would tell him to leave you alone and never contact you again. It is your choice whether you report it to the police but I advise you get support eg from rape crisis even if only short term to work through what's just happened.

Please know that this is all his fault.

Now even if he tries to pretend he didn't hear your no, which he might if he can draw you back in, ask yourself this:

What kind of psychopath sees someone upset and distressed and not only ignores it but continues getting sexual pleasure?

I don't know about you but these days I make it a bare minimum that the person I'm sleeping with would stop, be horrified and check I was ok if I ever became visibly upset during sex.

piedbeauty · 23/04/2023 18:13

You should have bitten his dick.

I'm so sorry this has happened to you, op. As others have said, you have been sexually assaulted at a minimum. You might find it helpful to ring a rape crisis organisation. Do you feel that you want to report him to the police?

I'd tell him that you don't want to see him tonight, to give yourself some breathing space to decide what to do.

You deserve a lot better. 💐

Spambod · 23/04/2023 18:14

That’s why he specifically made sure you initiated sex so that you felt you had asked for it and he would always have this as his excuse. He has done this before to other women. This is the sex he enjoys. He has manipulated you. I am so sorry he treated you like this op. No decent man would do this. The sexual WhatsApp was also him arse covering. Again because he has done this before he knows how to play it so it looks like mutual consent. Run for the fucking hills.

pinkstripeycat · 23/04/2023 18:14

Any kind of penetration with a penis against your will is considered rape.

Bogeyes · 23/04/2023 18:15

If it felt wrong it was wrong.

VanillaCandles · 23/04/2023 18:15

pinkstripeycat · 23/04/2023 18:14

Any kind of penetration with a penis against your will is considered rape.

Any kind of penetration with anything (penis, fingers, objects, etc) against your will is rape

BSB30 · 23/04/2023 18:16

I don't want to nit pick but the legal definition is penetration with a penis in the mouth, vagina or anus.

Using anything other than the penis would come under sexual assault.

WhatInFreshHell · 23/04/2023 18:17

You feel violated because he violated you! Not acceptable! I hope you're okay OP, get rid of him!

Cotton55 · 23/04/2023 18:17

CatherinedeBourgh · 23/04/2023 17:43

The fact that he was able to stay turned on when you were visibly distressed is all you need to know.

End it.

This.

Arewehumanorarewecupboards · 23/04/2023 18:17

I’m so sorry @frugalnecessity have you got anybody to talk to in real life?

Maybe tonight make an excuse for not seeing him and think about what you want to do next. Don’t put yourself in danger tonight by having a conversation about it with him.

Sending you strength.

airforsharon · 23/04/2023 18:17

No decent man would get turned on by assaulting his partner. You were clearly distressed and saying no, and instead of stopping he ramped it up.

Heed your gut and get rid asap

VanillaCandles · 23/04/2023 18:18

Rape is a type of sexual assault involving sexual intercourse or other forms of sexual penetration carried out against a person without their consent - Wikipedia

unlawful sexual intercourse or any other sexual penetration of the vagina, anus, or mouth of another person, with or without force, by a sex organ, other body part, or foreign object, without the consent of the person subjected to such penetration - Dictionary.com

BSB30 · 23/04/2023 18:19

VanillaCandles · 23/04/2023 18:18

Rape is a type of sexual assault involving sexual intercourse or other forms of sexual penetration carried out against a person without their consent - Wikipedia

unlawful sexual intercourse or any other sexual penetration of the vagina, anus, or mouth of another person, with or without force, by a sex organ, other body part, or foreign object, without the consent of the person subjected to such penetration - Dictionary.com

Are we talking England and Wales law because different jurisdictions can have different laws on this?

nocoolnamesleft · 23/04/2023 18:19

He ignored your withdrawal of consent. He got off on seeing you in distress. He raped you. And if you stay with him he will do it again. And again. And again. They always escalate.

VanillaCandles · 23/04/2023 18:20

But sorry, anyway, this is just technicality talk with definitions

OP, drop him and protect yourself. You’re in no way at fault and everything you’re feeling is valid. Don’t let him into your home tonight, he’s revoked any and all interaction with you

Rewis · 23/04/2023 18:20

How long have you been together?

Arewehumanorarewecupboards · 23/04/2023 18:20

@VanillaCandles and whoever you are debating with. Maybe be a bit more sensitive to op? Start a thread elsewhere to discuss definitions.

VanillaCandles · 23/04/2023 18:20

BSB30 · 23/04/2023 18:19

Are we talking England and Wales law because different jurisdictions can have different laws on this?

Show quote history

These are definitions, not laws.

liste · 23/04/2023 18:21

The law in England and Wales is that rape needs to be penetration with a penis. Penetration with other body parts or objects is assault by penetration.

However it's just the legal definition.

joelmillersbackpack · 23/04/2023 18:21

Spambod · 23/04/2023 18:14

That’s why he specifically made sure you initiated sex so that you felt you had asked for it and he would always have this as his excuse. He has done this before to other women. This is the sex he enjoys. He has manipulated you. I am so sorry he treated you like this op. No decent man would do this. The sexual WhatsApp was also him arse covering. Again because he has done this before he knows how to play it so it looks like mutual consent. Run for the fucking hills.

This is completely correct. He engineered a situation where he knew he could assault you and minimise it.
Please end this relationship immediately.

BSB30 · 23/04/2023 18:21

Arewehumanorarewecupboards · 23/04/2023 18:20

@VanillaCandles and whoever you are debating with. Maybe be a bit more sensitive to op? Start a thread elsewhere to discuss definitions.

I felt it was important for the OP to know that what her boyfriend did was illegal and was considered rape.

VanillaCandles · 23/04/2023 18:21

Arewehumanorarewecupboards · 23/04/2023 18:20

@VanillaCandles and whoever you are debating with. Maybe be a bit more sensitive to op? Start a thread elsewhere to discuss definitions.

I literally made a separate post where I said “anyway this is just a technicality and not the point”.