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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Sex last night with bf...help **Content Warning** Title edited by MNHQ

318 replies

frugalnecessity · 23/04/2023 17:33

For background, I am 32 and he is 33. We see each other at weekends. He is usually sensitive, caring etc which is why his behaviour last night shocked me.

We generally have a healthy sex life, but last weekend he told me that he felt undesired by me because I rarely initiate sex and this is true - whilst I enjoy it, I am not that sexually driven. I took his comments on board and initiated sex last night but he was so different. He was like a man possessed - quite rough and I felt like I was just an object to him. He wanted me to give him a blow job, so I did but he kept forcing his dick further and harder into my mouth. I was gagging and wretching and asked him to stop and said 'no', but he replied 'no' and he carried on going, pushing it deeper in. I actually felt like crying. Afterwards I told him if he ever did that again he wouldn't get any more blow jobs ever and he apologised.

Yet today I can't seem to let it go. I feel violated and used. It sounds silly because it's not like it was rape but I just feel so unheard and unseen. To top if off he sent me a sex related joke after I left today on whatsapp. I replied saying it was too soon after last night for that and that I appreciated his apology but sending stuff like that makes me think he's not taking my feelings seriously. He has since tried to call me but I don't really want to speak to him, although I should. He is supposed to be coming over later and I'd really rather not see him.

Part of me feels like I'm overreacting and that I should just move on, esp as he has apologised, but I am still feeling uncomfortable and unhappy about the whole thing.

Am I being unreasonable? How should I proceed?

OP posts:
TetraSaurus · 25/04/2023 00:49

I'm glad you are feeling more resolute and calmer. You are going through something extremely difficult and it's not going to be easy. I hope you have lots of real life support and that you can put this and him behind you as soon as possible.

Frith2013 · 25/04/2023 01:20

That is excellent. Keep going!

evuscha · 25/04/2023 02:00

That’s amazing OP, you’re being so brave in what is a difficult and emotional situation, and you’re doing the right thing! Keep reaching out for support, you’re not alone.

loveyouradvice · 25/04/2023 02:50

I have just read your thread... with huge admiration for your courage and determination. You are right: it is hard, very hard. AND you are right: you do have the resources.

I wanted to send you a virtual hug and a good luck with the coming days - and am so very very glad that you know you have a lot of support on here and can come back any time you want to hear friendly supportive voices, as well as talking to rape crisis.

Those are such beautiful qualities - calm, strong, empowered and confident... I hope on days that you feel less strong, you can look back and recapture some of that feeling.

PaigeMatthews · 25/04/2023 06:34

Well done op. Add to your list that he was unapologetic and even started to criticise you and has only started to show any remorse when he has realised how serious you are about not moving forward with him. He knows what he is and he is only concerned about himself.

Thisisworsethananticpated · 25/04/2023 07:31

Op that’s amazing you feel more resolute and can see that last time you would have tried to reconcile (I know exactly what you mean )

there’s a chance you will struggle again so keep this thread and write some notes

im very impressed with how you are handling this , via getting the support here and the rape crisis line

billy1966 · 25/04/2023 08:04

Well done OP.

He isn't good enough for you.

He sexually assaulted you and you should have no fear of protecting him.

Tell your friends the truth and be supported.

I don't believe a word from him.

He knows well what he did, and he is only back tracking because he underestimated you.

I hope will consider reporting him to the police so they have his name on file.

You are very strong and brave.

OrangeRock · 25/04/2023 09:14

Huge well done. He is only saying those things to you as he knows he had committed a crime and doesn’t want to go to prison. He wants you not to report him and he wants to rape you again. If you take him back he knows he can do what the fuck he likes to you from then in. It will get worse.

so well done for reaching out that first time for help. I promise you are young and will know what a healthy relationship looks like and it will be amazing when it does

Apairofsparklingeyes · 25/04/2023 09:21

If you haven’t done it already, I suggest that you block the scumbag on any social media (not just unfriend him) and block his number on your phone. He sounds like the type who won’t give up easily, so blocking him gives you the power to make it clear that you consider the relationship to be over.

YouCould · 25/04/2023 09:42

OP, when I was in a really difficult situation I had a 'bottom dollar tag line' (can't think of correct term) that I would keep telling myself to help me stay focused. Mine was "This isn't my fault, I didn't do anything to cause this". I'd say it if I was feeling anxious or upset. Sounds a bit daft in hindsight but I found it useful,

I don't know if something like that would help you. Your bottom dollar is that you can't stay with someone capable of doing what he did and the other stuff is irrelevant.

Hijinks75 · 25/04/2023 15:06

From a male perspective and I haven’t read every post so others may have already made same comment but, this sort of behaviour isn’t acceptable, it is assault, wouldn’t dream of doing that or anything else if my partner said stop nor she with me, it seems to show a real lack of respect

Original poster
frugalnecessity · 25/04/2023 17:04

This experience is quite the headfuck. One minute I am feeling strong, the next I am considering giving him another chance. I am letting myself feel the feelings, allowing the thoughts to come and go and not act on them. I am starting to find my anger now, I am so angry that he has put me in this position.

I really appreciate all the help and advice. I keep telling myself that whatever happens I can get through this. I don't always believe it, but it helps.

OP posts:
Quartz2208 · 25/04/2023 17:51

You want to give the man you thought he was and the man part of you still thinks he is or could be.

But he isn’t, he is a very different one and all the red flags and negatives are there to see. He raped you, he made you feel that you were not meetings his needs and he took that and went so much further

Littlebluebellwoods · 25/04/2023 17:55

Op, deep down are you scared ro be alone and just really don’t wish to end it. You don’t need to pretend to this forum that you’re considering ending the relationship or justify staying with “it”, you can just hide the thread, put your head down and walk away.

Original poster
frugalnecessity · 25/04/2023 18:02

@Littlebluebellwoods what makes you say that? I don't want to be alone, no, but I am not scared of it. I have been alone before and I can do it again. All of this only happened at the weekend and I am still processing things as it has been such a shock and it was so out of character. I admit that I am trying to make sense of my feelings and thoughts but none of that means I don't want to be alone. We are currently not together and I am focusing on myself. Part of me hopes that he could change and that things could work in the future but at the same time I don't think things could ever be the same after such an abuse of trust. It is a very conflicting time for me.

OP posts:
Freeme31 · 25/04/2023 18:14

Your doing fine @frugalnecessity don't let anyone say otherwise. Your right you have had a big shock and good for you giving this your full consideration. Noone knows him so only you can decide with "support " from this thread. Go Girl!

Original poster
frugalnecessity · 25/04/2023 18:18

@Freeme31 thank you so much, I really needed to hear that <3

OP posts:
Daleksatemyshed · 25/04/2023 18:55

Glad your finding your anger at last @frugalnecessity , nothing seems to help more than when you get to the point where you can be angry about how you've been treated. You deserve better and now you know that you do, and that you're right to get away from this horrible man, you will go fro strength to strength

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