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Original poster

Content Warning - mentions rape: Had enough of my friend who experienced something awful

391 replies

WaitingforSummer77 · 01/07/2023 03:36

I have a friend who I have known since I was 18....we are now early 40s. I'm thinking of ending our friendship. I think the best thing to do for my own sanity is to just cut her off.

I met her through a big group of mutual friends in our late teenage years. We were always out drinking, partying, going to festivals and raves etc (late 90s/early 00s). Most of the friendships were fairly superficial, we all just wanted friends to party with. But I did get on particularly well with her and over the years as people grew up and moved on, we developed a deeper friendship and we stayed in touch and became closer.

In our early 20s my friend decided that she needed a massive change and to do something with her life. She moved 130 miles to London, got herself into a good university, lived in Central London, and gained qualifications which gave her entry to a well respected profession. I was so pleased and happy for her. I always knew she had it in her to make something of herself. I loved visiting her in London.

She didn't stay in London very long. She found it lonely and depressing and she didn't have enough money, so she came home.

I was briefly in awe of her. She had been away, lived in London, got a degree and had come back to our city with a really good career. I must admit, I know people find it boring, but I was also happy. I had worked in the same company for quite a few years. My job wasn't that exciting or well paid, but I have never yearned for career status.

We really enjoyed spending time together, until one night we went out together, we both had too much to drink, we lost each other, and my friend ended up getting raped by a stranger.

The aftermath was awful. The police were immediately involved. The person who did it to her was found and eventually convicted. I had to give a statement. It felt like my friend was being investigated everything that she went through.

Her mental health deteriorated, she lost her job and career, she started getting detained by the police under the mental health act....but they always let her go again..

She seems completely crazy now but I cannot cope with her anymore. She is constantly drinking and drunk, putting herself into extremely difficult situations, is completely obsessed with talking about the trauma, she is a mess.

I'm supposed to be meeting her tomorrow afternoon. We are supposed to text in the morning to arrange a time and place. I don't want to see her.

I have already blocked her phone number and I have no intention of contacting her again. I can't cope with her anymore. Is this okay?

OP posts:
Original poster
WaitingforSummer77 · 01/07/2023 03:38

P.s...if relevant we are both single, never married, no kids

OP posts:
EllaRaines · 01/07/2023 03:40

Yes of course it is.

She is an emotional vampire and whilst what happened to her is awful, she is responsible for her downward spiral, not you.

Losing you may give her a kick up the backside to get her life back on track.

She is not your responsibility.

Original poster
WaitingforSummer77 · 01/07/2023 03:42

@EllaRaines thank you. I literally feel terrible about it. She is a really nice person who has experienced something awful. I feel like I'm being affected so badly by what happened to her. I really wish it never happened

OP posts:
Windowcleaning · 01/07/2023 03:43

It's up to you if it's okay or not. You've blocked her number which I imagine will be a bit of a shock to her when she texts you tomorrow expecting to meet up, so it sounds like you've already made the decision.

Brightbear · 01/07/2023 03:44

I am sure she wishes it had never happened also. Does she have other family or friends that are looking out for her?

Original poster
WaitingforSummer77 · 01/07/2023 03:47

The rape was 2 years ago. Don't know if I made that clear in my original post. There was 1 year where I supported her through the investigation and appearing in court. And since then one year of stress and drama with her. I really didn't mind supporting her through the investigation but I really thought after he got convicted she would move on. But since then she's been worse than ever. I do feel sad for her but it's beyond me

OP posts:
Kitkatcatflap · 01/07/2023 03:49

Doubtless, you have recommended professional help, therapy, support groups etc.

I don't blame you for stepping back, especially if it's impacting your life long term, but instead of blocking her without warning, could you at least text/email a message saying that - you can't cope with her anymore, that you find her behaviour destressing and draining. You have been friends for many years, step back but give her a reason why.

ZenNudist · 01/07/2023 03:49

Well not the way to go about it but you aren't blocking her because she was raped you are blocking hard drinking depressed person.

I'd tell her directly. I'm sorry but you need more support than I can give. Suggest counselling and wish her well but say you are withdrawing from the friendship

Brightbear · 01/07/2023 03:49

WaitingforSummer77 · 01/07/2023 03:47

The rape was 2 years ago. Don't know if I made that clear in my original post. There was 1 year where I supported her through the investigation and appearing in court. And since then one year of stress and drama with her. I really didn't mind supporting her through the investigation but I really thought after he got convicted she would move on. But since then she's been worse than ever. I do feel sad for her but it's beyond me

So you’re intending to ghost a friend that you’ve known for 22 years, because she’s had a bad couple of years, due to being raped?

CoachBeardsJane · 01/07/2023 03:51

So your friend thinks you're going to meet up with her tomorrow, but you've blocked her number so when she goes to confirm it won't go through, but text messages will still look they've gone through, so she might go to wherever you were meeting and you're going to stand her up.

By all means get rid of the friendship but at least tell her you won't be seeing her tomorrow. She deserves that much at least

Original poster
WaitingforSummer77 · 01/07/2023 03:56

I know that I should tell her but I'm literally at my wits end. I've had messaging from her earlier this week about a drama that she has gotten herself into which has left her unable to cope. I cannot cope either. I am really sad that this has happened and how much she has changed. I myself try to live a fairly quiet life. I know that she has a nurse in the community mental health team.

OP posts:
bobblyjob · 01/07/2023 03:57

Um. I would suggest it’s pretty reasonable that she is traumatised. I can’t imagine I would be cheery and back to normal a year after going through a court case after being raped
Have you discussed support or therapy for her? It sounds like you held her on a pedestal and now she isn’t meeting your expectations. You may not have the ability to support her and I can totally see that this is pretty difficult for you too- I am not saying you have to work through this FOR her but I think your role is probably to her her to the support she needs.
If you can’t do that then I think it’s reasonable to explain to her. In a letter if needed

DrManhattan · 01/07/2023 03:58

Tell her you aren't meeting rather than blocking her. That's a bit mean.

WednesdayLounge · 01/07/2023 04:00

I think it's awful to just block her. Unblock her and just tell her the truth and then block her again if you must. What you're doing is horrible.

ArcticSkewer · 01/07/2023 04:01

It's super cruel to just block her - are you that kind of person? Man up and tell her, at least by text, that you need to step back but wish her well.

Redglitter · 01/07/2023 04:01

At the very least message her & say you can't meet up. Then take a step back but don't block her when you've made plans

PurpleSky09 · 01/07/2023 04:03

Yeah, don't block her, that's not the way to deal with a friend of 20 years who has been through something horrific.

Own it and face her and tell her how you feel and that you need to step back a bit.

Blocking her when she expects to see you tomorrow is unnecessarily cruel.

honeyandfizz · 01/07/2023 04:05

I am shocked that you would even consider blocking a friend who you have known for 20 plus years and has gone off the rails because she was raped. Bloody hell OP I am glad you aren't my friend. Do the decent thing and tell her then you can walk away and leave your poor mate to her trauma.

baggiesmalls · 01/07/2023 04:05

2 years is nothing to "get over" a stranger rape attack

I'm sorry I think you are heartless. And I'm a police officer .

For info when someone is detained under a s136 for mental health the police take them to a place of safety- Ie - psychiatric hospital- where they are assessed by a psychiatrist for a decision whether to hold on a section or release. The police have nothing to do with that process.

She clearly needs help but mentally I'll and traumatised people don't recognise that else they wouldn't be mentally I'll would they ?

You've been friends 20 years and your going to stand her up , you E blocked her without so much as a conversation?

Sorry but what you are doing is horrible.

If you can't be friends - explain why. Tell her she needs help . Explain where to get it . But dumping her like that 2 years after such a horrific incident after 20 years is not a kind act .

ManchNic · 01/07/2023 04:06

When I first read this I thought you'd put up with difficult behaviour for 10+ years or something.
She was raped only 2 years ago! I'm not sure how long you think it would take someone to move on from this but 2 years is nothing.
Of course you have to look after your own mental health but now on top of everything she has been through she is also losing a friend. I think a much more reasonable way to manage it, as other people have said, would be to be upfront, explain this is beyond you, you are not sure how to help and you need to distance yourself for a bit.
You say you wish this had never happened to her and you're being badly affected by it - I imagine she feels like this x1000.

Original poster
WaitingforSummer77 · 01/07/2023 04:07

My friend does have support. She has a designated nurse in the community mental health team. I think she also has a Union rep who is helping her with dealing with her employer (she hasn't been at work for a year but they are sorting out ending her contract...which seems complicated), she also has a housing officer from the council (because they helped her move home due to the incident) I think there are also a few other agencies involved.
Her relationships with her family are also very difficult at the moment and I think they are close to throwing in the towel. I know that I sound incredibly selfish, but she has all this support. We still have to cope with the trauma of her going through that, the investigation and court, how crazy she has become..... and supposedly to just continue on with normal life.

OP posts:
Charley50 · 01/07/2023 04:08

Please unblock her and let her know you can't make it tomorrow (today?). Then make some boundaries and see her and speak with her less often so she realises not to rely mainly on you. Or another day speak with her and say you are finding it hard to cope. But she's been through a terrible thing and it would be cruel to ghost her.

bobblyjob · 01/07/2023 04:09

It sounds like YOU neee counselling tbh to help you through it

honeyandfizz · 01/07/2023 04:09

You are no friend, imagine if you were her in this scenario how would you feel to be dropped after all this time. Do her a favour and end the friendship.

baggiesmalls · 01/07/2023 04:10

WaitingforSummer77 · 01/07/2023 03:47

The rape was 2 years ago. Don't know if I made that clear in my original post. There was 1 year where I supported her through the investigation and appearing in court. And since then one year of stress and drama with her. I really didn't mind supporting her through the investigation but I really thought after he got convicted she would move on. But since then she's been worse than ever. I do feel sad for her but it's beyond me

Wow .

Big of you to
Give her support for a whole year .

I'd like to think karma will bite you on the arse and maybe one day something terrible will happen in your life for your friends to say "right mate you e got a year of my sympathy and then that's that . "

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