Content Warning - mentions rape: Had enough of my friend who experienced something awful

@WaitingforSummer77 I'm someone who has c-PTSD & a barrage of sexual trauma from my past, and despite that I actually can totally see where you're coming from. What she's doing is trauma-dumping and actually it's not ok to do this to a friend for two years solid no matter what someone has been through.
You have to prioritise your own mental health as otherwise are you meant to run yourself completely into the ground caring for her? I do know how she's likely to be feeling having been there myself, BUT she needs specialist therapy for this. No matter how good a friend you are, you are not going to be able to heal her and it sounds like she's desperately grasping for something (you) that she's hoping will take the pain away.
Having said that, I wouldn't just block her. I think it would be a good idea to explain to her that you are struggling with your mental health right now too and strongly urge her to access specialist help.

Fair enough. It's a scummy move, up to op what they do but my feedback is it's a scummy thing to do

THIS. ^ I get your frustration @WaitingforSummer77 but this poor woman has been through hell and back, and needs a friend, and a shoulder to cry on, and blocking her and ghosting her is breathtakingly cruel. Please do what this poster suggests...

Your poor friend. As pps have said, there is no time limit on grief and trauma. Please try to be kind to her. I HATE this #bekind fluff, but it does apply here.

I’m having a terrible time with my MH at the moment, my friends of over 20 years are constantly by my side and checking up on me.

i’m so glad you’re not one of my friends, what an awful thing to do, ghosting her. It’s a cowards approach, has she not been through enough?

I say this as a rape survivor… (note, not “victim”.) You need to tell her that she is letting that awful experience eclipse her and letting him win.

Fuck. No. Sorry. I'm a survivor as well, and was told this, and it's so awful and counterproductive. Don't shame someone for being traumatised after being attacked. No one WANTS to be traumatised and you can't be shamed into 'switching it off.'

(Well, you can in a way - you can develop a dissociative disorder like I did and things will get really complicated.)

Telling someone you're 'letting your rapist win' because you're traumatised that he raped you is so disgusting.

I totally agree with this.

This with bells on ⬆️ I work with a lot of people who experience dv. Please dear god don't say this to anyone who has suffered like your friend.

Or anyone else who has experienced any type of violent crime for that matter

Some of the trauma with a rape - particularly a stranger rape - is the assumption of others on what they would do

I would have fought back
I would have kicked him in the balls etc etc

Actually you wouldn't . Why ? Because survival instinct kicks in . Deep in the the amygdala, the reptilian brain - the instinct to survive kicks in

No one dies from rape - but they do so from fighting back . So the survival instinct is do nothing , let it happen .

And then you have to yourself process why you didn't fight back .

Your friend was with you the night this happened. You haven't said how exactly you "lost each other "

You may feel some responsibility or guilt and that's why you are not coping with her needs now . You may think she should have acted differently and think you know what you'd have done .

Rape crisis are the experts on this - and I'd urge you to ensure before you exit this friendship that you find her access to a rape crisis counsellor.

I feel desperately sorry for your friend . Her life has completely imploded on the actions of a man she had never met and didn't know . Her life has been shattered. And she isn't accessing the correct help mechanisms to even begin to cope or process it by the sounds of things .

To an extent I can understand that the friendship is too fraught with difficulties to continue - probably on both sides . But your posts come across as not so much that she is leaning too heavily on you but that your expectations of her at not living up to what you knew before - fun times , two single women , having fun . And now she's changed and you haven't .

End the friendship respectfully and give her a right of reply . Simply ghosting and blocking is the most harmful thing you could possibly do to her now after what her attacker did.

I hope you didn't simply stand her up
Today and block her .

Absolutely this.

Have a proper conversation rather than blocking her. That’s hurtful and will no doubt add to her problems

Out of interest why do you hate the be kind slogan?

I know what you mean.

I think it's so easy to get carried away on social media and forget that there are real people on the receiving end of our comments - I do it all the time.

I hate it too, not the genuine message, but the fact it mostly seems to get posted by people who really aren't very kind themselves.

This is equivalent of “fighting” cancer.

2 years is no time at all, and how dim, insensitive, and unempathic can you be to assume that once a man gets convicted, the rape victim simply 'moves on'.

Jesus Christ OP. People get traumatised from having a house-break ins, from muggings.....how do you think she must be feeling when she's been raped??

I understand why you would find this friendship to be too heavy, but your posts are not winning people over.

Also, I agree with @georgarina If framing like this works for you, then great, but it's a terrible thing to say to someone else, and will probably add to the list of insensitive things people have said to them about what happened. It's very close to victim blaming someone if someone says that they're 'letting' someone else traumatise them.

'Be kind' is really 'Shut up and know your place'

Be kind has no place here . It's a social media construct .

Being kind matters more .

I quite like it. It serves as a reminder. When someone is being mean to a poster for example. I really like MN but I am very sensitive to language and am triggered by aggression towards others - and language can be incredibly aggressive and harmful. I am getting older and the sensitivity gets worse as I age. But that isn’t what this thread is about - or perhaps it is in a way. I suffered many traumas when younger and have tried every which way to be healed and now I know that I just have to manage the PTSD. I will never completely heal but I can be relatively happy. The kindness of others really helps. It reminds me that life isn’t all darkness. There is light and beauty too.

I'm glad you're going to contact her, because it would have been reallly awful to just ignore and block her.

A long-standing friends who's been through something hugely traumatic. I'm shocked you thought she'd just get over it and move on once the court case was over. This is something that she'll have to live with for the rest of her life, one way or another. She's clearly struggling terribly.

It's OK to know your own limits and to say if you can't be her emotional support anymore, but you shouldn't just ignore her and block her. That could cause her untold additional misery and would be unnecessarily cruel.

If you can no longer deal with her talking about her awful ordeal, then tell her that. If you can't cope with the drunkenness and drama, that's understanable, but explain why.

If she understands why, then there is a chance it could be her impetus to start making some changes. If she doesn't understand why, it could become yet another trauma she is left to deal with, but with less help than before.

Don't feel bad if you don't have any more energy to give. But don't expect someone who's been raped to have got over it 2 years later. And don't ghost a friend of 22 years who's been through something so awful.

Your friend has probably got ptsd. Is it possible you have ptsd symptoms too? How would you feel about discussing this with her? I think she needs help urgently either trauma focused CBT or EMDR. Please consider how this will impact on your both longer term.

It’s not something I would do, and it’s not something I think can be called ‘okay’. To me, it’s pretty selfish and cruel to cut off someone going through a mental health crisis due to extreme trauma. But these days, we live in an era of ‘going NC’ with anyone who inconveniences us in any way, and MN loves that sort of thing, so everyone on MN will probably applaud you. Personally I’d try and get her some help. I’d speak with her family. I’d find her a therapist, i’d research support groups and go along with her. I’d meet up with her to do wholesome activities that don’t involve alcohol. I’d talk with her about her feelings and help her find ways to cope with them - journaling, meditation, yoga, anything that can help people overcome trauma. Sure that’s not your responsibility but it’s what friends do. I actually shudder to imagine what a close friend randomly blocking you during a MH crisis could do. It is a very scary thought. I’d be very worried about self harm or suicide. Ghosting people is the cruellest of the cruel.

I can’t read more than page 1 of your posts because it’s making me feel quite nauseous that you’re making her rape, trauma and MH crisis all about you and how you feel. And now you’re ghosting her. It’s actually quite sickening.