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Original poster

Content Warning - mentions rape: Had enough of my friend who experienced something awful

391 replies

WaitingforSummer77 · 01/07/2023 03:36

I have a friend who I have known since I was 18....we are now early 40s. I'm thinking of ending our friendship. I think the best thing to do for my own sanity is to just cut her off.

I met her through a big group of mutual friends in our late teenage years. We were always out drinking, partying, going to festivals and raves etc (late 90s/early 00s). Most of the friendships were fairly superficial, we all just wanted friends to party with. But I did get on particularly well with her and over the years as people grew up and moved on, we developed a deeper friendship and we stayed in touch and became closer.

In our early 20s my friend decided that she needed a massive change and to do something with her life. She moved 130 miles to London, got herself into a good university, lived in Central London, and gained qualifications which gave her entry to a well respected profession. I was so pleased and happy for her. I always knew she had it in her to make something of herself. I loved visiting her in London.

She didn't stay in London very long. She found it lonely and depressing and she didn't have enough money, so she came home.

I was briefly in awe of her. She had been away, lived in London, got a degree and had come back to our city with a really good career. I must admit, I know people find it boring, but I was also happy. I had worked in the same company for quite a few years. My job wasn't that exciting or well paid, but I have never yearned for career status.

We really enjoyed spending time together, until one night we went out together, we both had too much to drink, we lost each other, and my friend ended up getting raped by a stranger.

The aftermath was awful. The police were immediately involved. The person who did it to her was found and eventually convicted. I had to give a statement. It felt like my friend was being investigated everything that she went through.

Her mental health deteriorated, she lost her job and career, she started getting detained by the police under the mental health act....but they always let her go again..

She seems completely crazy now but I cannot cope with her anymore. She is constantly drinking and drunk, putting herself into extremely difficult situations, is completely obsessed with talking about the trauma, she is a mess.

I'm supposed to be meeting her tomorrow afternoon. We are supposed to text in the morning to arrange a time and place. I don't want to see her.

I have already blocked her phone number and I have no intention of contacting her again. I can't cope with her anymore. Is this okay?

OP posts:
Asthebellcurves · 01/07/2023 04:10

EllaRaines · 01/07/2023 03:40

Yes of course it is.

She is an emotional vampire and whilst what happened to her is awful, she is responsible for her downward spiral, not you.

Losing you may give her a kick up the backside to get her life back on track.

She is not your responsibility.

What a singularly disgusting post. She is a survivor of one of the most intimate violations possible. OP is, of course, not obligated to continue supporting her - but this woman is not an 'emotional vampire', she's traumatised.

honeyandfizz · 01/07/2023 04:11

I know that I sound incredibly selfish, but she has all this support.

The one thing you got right, you do. She may have support but you are supposed to be her friend or is that only applicable in the good times?

Phoebo · 01/07/2023 04:12

I can understand how this would be draining for you OP and you don't have to be her support person, but please try and get her some professional help. She sounds in such a state that she could do something to harm herself. Don't just block her, that's cruel. I don't want to guilt you, but that scenario you described where you got lost, it could have just as easily been you and not her. She's not being a CF, she is emotionally traumatised by what has happened.

pasturesgreen · 01/07/2023 04:13

Redglitter · 01/07/2023 04:01

At the very least message her & say you can't meet up. Then take a step back but don't block her when you've made plans

This. Pretty shit to just ghost like that a friend of 20 years who's going through major trauma.

baggiesmalls · 01/07/2023 04:15

In my work I know exactly how shot mental
Health services are and how bad you have to be to get detained for treatment.

I feel so so sorry for your friend.

But you aren't a friend . You a fair weather friend . Fine when all is going your way - hurdles ? And your off .
Yes do t let this poor woman labour under the illusion that you are her friend anymore. But ghosting her is not a nice or grown up way to end it .

I hope she has other friends and family who do fight to get her the support she so clearly needs and is t getting professionally .

Summerfun54321 · 01/07/2023 04:15

If you've ever known anyone with severe mental health problems, you know some friends stick around and others don't. You're one of the ones that doesn't. Yes you are a shit friend, people might tell you otherwise but that's the brunt of it.

Phoebo · 01/07/2023 04:17

EllaRaines · 01/07/2023 03:40

Yes of course it is.

She is an emotional vampire and whilst what happened to her is awful, she is responsible for her downward spiral, not you.

Losing you may give her a kick up the backside to get her life back on track.

She is not your responsibility.

This is one of the worst responses I've ever read on here, which is saying something. Utterly, utterly heartless that you think someone who has been raped needs a 'kick up the backside'. Disgusting.

Brightbear · 01/07/2023 04:18

WaitingforSummer77 · 01/07/2023 04:07

My friend does have support. She has a designated nurse in the community mental health team. I think she also has a Union rep who is helping her with dealing with her employer (she hasn't been at work for a year but they are sorting out ending her contract...which seems complicated), she also has a housing officer from the council (because they helped her move home due to the incident) I think there are also a few other agencies involved.
Her relationships with her family are also very difficult at the moment and I think they are close to throwing in the towel. I know that I sound incredibly selfish, but she has all this support. We still have to cope with the trauma of her going through that, the investigation and court, how crazy she has become..... and supposedly to just continue on with normal life.

Yeah you do sound incredibly selfish…

Summerfun54321 · 01/07/2023 04:19

EllaRaines · 01/07/2023 03:40

Yes of course it is.

She is an emotional vampire and whilst what happened to her is awful, she is responsible for her downward spiral, not you.

Losing you may give her a kick up the backside to get her life back on track.

She is not your responsibility.

Said someone who clearly has zero understanding or experience of mental illness. If people could just pull themselves together, mental illness wouldn't even exist.

Brightbear · 01/07/2023 04:20

EllaRaines · 01/07/2023 03:40

Yes of course it is.

She is an emotional vampire and whilst what happened to her is awful, she is responsible for her downward spiral, not you.

Losing you may give her a kick up the backside to get her life back on track.

She is not your responsibility.

An emotional vampire…… Jesus how harsh is that!

Panpastels · 01/07/2023 04:21

At least tell her you won't be meeting her with some kind of explanation why. And try and be gentle. Whilst you have every right to step away, just blocking her with no explanation is a shitty thing to do.

GeorgeMichaelsCat · 01/07/2023 04:22

Is this okay?

No, it isn't. After a friendship of over 20 years you owe her an explanation rather than ghosting her.

I really thought after he got convicted she would move on.

The lack of empathy and understanding in this sentence is breathtaking.

thaegumathteth · 01/07/2023 04:26

I mean no it's not ok, it's cruel and it's unnecessary.

If you don't want to see her anymore you can do that in much more kind ways

Tbh though you sound selfish and just disgusting. She's only got support from people who are paid to support her. She needs a friend, she's been raped. I honestly cannot conceive dumping a friend like this but you're obviously not a nice person or good friend.

user40643 · 01/07/2023 04:28

You've clearly led a privileged life of you think a mental health nurse in the community and a union rep constitutes support. Lol.

PP are asking if she has friends or family for support and you respond saying she has a union rep.

Maybe you should seek a mental health nurse seeing as it's affected you so badly.

baggiesmalls · 01/07/2023 04:31

And this stands out for me

We really enjoyed spending time together, until one night we went out together, we both had too much to drink, we lost each other, and my friend ended up getting raped by a stranger.

What if it had been you ?

You were together the night it happened. You "lost" each other ?
No one is to blame but the rapist - but it could have been either of you .

Is there some guilt attached to this decision to dump your mate of 22 years?

SunSurfSand · 01/07/2023 04:31

This is a horrible thing to do and you sound like a terrible friend.

She's traumatised, two years isn't long- particularly as the court process would have prolonged the initial trauma. It's really only been one year she's had any chance of processing and recovering.

Obviously the rape isn't your fault, but you were hardly looking out for her that night either, if you got drunk and lost her. There's a reason women go out in groups at night.

I feel sorry for your friend.

Marchitectmummy · 01/07/2023 04:32

Wow, so while she was aspirational to you all was good, now she actually needs a friend ypu are off.

She clearly needs help that she isn't currently being provided with and is spiralling. How can you block her rather than try to help her

Original poster
WaitingforSummer77 · 01/07/2023 04:32

Okay thank you for your responses. I will message her and say I'm not up for meeting tomorrow. I do really care about her. I am not a bad friend, but I am suffering too. I am not a very emotional person. I've never been huggy with my friends. I am practical. I try to arrange fun things for us to do, because I want to take her mind off of it, but I admit when we have gone for a weekend away, she just wants to go for a walk then sleep. I must admit this is all new to me.

Some people may call me a fair weather friend. That might be true. But I know for a fact that I 100% supported my friend through the investigation and court.

OP posts:
ThinWomansBrain · 01/07/2023 04:35
Players Association No GIF by NBPA

We still have to cope with the trauma of her going through that, the investigation

wow - poor you, you still have to 'cope with the trauma' - or not, if you've chosen to block her.
I seriously hope that none of my friends are such unreliable flakes.

baggiesmalls · 01/07/2023 04:35

Trauma doesntt stop when the victim walks out of court .

Of course she wants to sleep and do quiet activities- what the actual fuck are you on ?

You think she's going to want to carry on partying and getting pissed with you ?

You lack empathy and emotional intelligence.

I'm surprised she hasn't told you to do one before now .

Original poster
WaitingforSummer77 · 01/07/2023 04:36

Okay I know I'm wrong. I will message her. I don't intend to see her again. I think if you guys knew about her behaviour you would understand . But yes, I see, I will tell her that I'm not going to be there tomorrow. And that will be the end of our friendship. I really do appreciate all of the feedback, but until you have been in my shoes you do know.

OP posts:
ThinWomansBrain · 01/07/2023 04:37

no idea hot the gif got added

Brightbear · 01/07/2023 04:38

WaitingforSummer77 · 01/07/2023 04:32

Okay thank you for your responses. I will message her and say I'm not up for meeting tomorrow. I do really care about her. I am not a bad friend, but I am suffering too. I am not a very emotional person. I've never been huggy with my friends. I am practical. I try to arrange fun things for us to do, because I want to take her mind off of it, but I admit when we have gone for a weekend away, she just wants to go for a walk then sleep. I must admit this is all new to me.

Some people may call me a fair weather friend. That might be true. But I know for a fact that I 100% supported my friend through the investigation and court.

Well with friends like you, who needs enemies

Its all about you!

Your poor friend will be devastated by this, she’s already suffering terribly. You are so unkind.

MCOut · 01/07/2023 04:40

If she needs detaining then she’s very ill and completely ghosting her would be cruel and could potentially trigger another crisis. It sounds like you do not have the capacity to give any emotional support so perhaps centre time you send with her around practical tasks you can help with.

Try and get her more help. For now you should unblock her and be honest about needing some space.

baggiesmalls · 01/07/2023 04:42

WaitingforSummer77 · 01/07/2023 04:36

Okay I know I'm wrong. I will message her. I don't intend to see her again. I think if you guys knew about her behaviour you would understand . But yes, I see, I will tell her that I'm not going to be there tomorrow. And that will be the end of our friendship. I really do appreciate all of the feedback, but until you have been in my shoes you do know.

How about you trying to walk a mile in her shoes instead?

How about fighting to get her the right support

How about contacting victim care services instead of thi I g a h nurse and a union rep cuts it ?

How about reading about trauma responses and how rape affects someone

How about contacting her other friends and family ?

How about finding charitable support for rape survivors?

How about growing up and realising fun activities aren't what she needs and your idea of fun probably isn't hers right now since it was on one of your "fun activities " she got raped ?

You're annoying me now .