Content Warning - mentions rape: Had enough of my friend who experienced something awful

The way you write I was expecting you to say it was 20 years ago. But 2 years?!?! You think should she would just get over one of the worst violations that can happen to someone as soon as she walked out of court? Wow. Do you have any empathy? She’s coping with her trauma in the only way she can. Glad you’re not my friend. All me me me me me.

I think it’s been 22 years so she deserves an explanation. It might be better to explain that supporting her for the last two years has also been hard on you (no where near what she’s been through) and you need a few months to look after your mental health. Don’t ghost her that’s super mean.

I think its may be better you end the friend but in correct and honest manner. Speak up and tell her honestly perhaps it might give your friend a wake up call.

Move on? Sorry but it's only been 2 years and this includes all the investigations you don't mention her support network or what sort of background she has come from to make her deteriate to this level. Your friend obviously has taken the rape quite badly the way you have posted cones across as harsh she wasn't like this before.

Of course it's awful what happened to her, it's also a shame she evidently isn't receiving the support she needs. That said it's fine to put yourself first if you're struggling with it too,, please don't Ghost her though, it's so cowardly and it'll no doubt lead her to spiral. It's hard being honest but it's also the right thing to do, just be sensitive.

The fact you have had to point that (it could of been OP in this situation) speaks volumes about her as a "friend".

Wow, yes, as per pp, if she'd been dwelling on it for 10 years, fair enough, but 2 years is absolutely nothing. No wonder she's a mess, poor woman.

I agree with most posters here in that you need to tell her the truth and not just block, she may not think you have blocked her and she could just turn up at your house, let her know in a truthful text and then block, but let her know you’re blocking her in the text, don’t allow her time to reply though or you may get pulled back in through guilt.

You really are the definition of a fair weather friend.

You are a bad friend and dare I say it… a bad person to treat her so bloody callously. Who would ever think just blocking and ghosting was ever an ok thing to do to a friend of 22 years let alone dumping her because she was raped.

I don’t care what you think you’ve been through while “supporting her” it’s nothing compared to what she did - you aren’t a victim here.

A mental health nurse meets with her maybe max 4 days out of 30 in a month.

A union rep is there to make sure her job treats her fairly, that's not emotional support.

The crisis team are there to make sure that at rock bottom she doesn't hurt herself or others.

She's got no close family or other friends.

When you disappear she might connect it with feeling from the rape - WHICH ARE NOT TRUE, BUT TO HER THEY ARE - that you're abandoning her because she's now dirty/worthless.

You don't want to do the hard work of friendship.

"Oh, but I helped her with court!"

That's what any decent friend would do.

It's better to be clear with her. "I prefer having someone around who does things I find fun. I don't want to support you with your mental health, so I think you need to find new friends, not me."

At least be honest.

My closest friend from childhood became an alcoholic in her twenties. She also suffered with pnd. I spent years supporting her , trying to get her help. Eventually I took a step back, as I recognised you can not make someone get better they have to want to. Also when I went through some life trauma she didn't support me. I stil see her a few times a year and message occasionally. But I wouldn't describe us as friends now. I understand it's hard when a friend does off the rails. Ands ts ok to take a step back from the friendship.

Mental illness runs in my family and while some of us have manageable symptoms, some of my family members have to be sectioned sometimes. While I’ve got no experience helping someone through the trauma of rape, I do know about having to deal with extremely difficult behaviour as a result of mental health.

If she’s had to be hospitalised I am assuming that she was probably predisposed to an illness that started post rape. It is helpful to remember that it’s not her fault and though it might seem impossible, she probably doesn’t have the insight to recognise or acknowledge how she’s affecting others. This can be the case even if she might seem okish. If she’s sleeping a lot it’s probably the meds, they can be very sedating. When she starts to get better, she will be absolutely mortified.

You’ve said that you’re not an emotional friend and that you’re practical. That is probably exactly what she needs. As someone who is not a professional, you are not really going to be able to help her manage her emotions. It’s okay for you to be honest and say you’re not willing to allow her to offload because it’s bad for you. Take a break. Please reconsider just ending the friendship though, especially if she has no one.

With friends like you....

I can't believe you are going to cut off your traumatised and struggling friend. Set some boundaries but don't cut her off ffs.

Really can't believe you were considering ghosting an emotionally vulnerable friend of 20 years! Jesus. You need to take a long hard look at yourself.

Come on. Surely this is a reverse or something?

"She is a really nice person who has experienced something awful. I feel like I'm being affected so badly by what happened to her."

"I really didn't mind supporting her through the investigation but I really thought after he got convicted she would move on."

No human being would actually think like this.

OP. I get it. But your friend didn't just 'experience something awful', she was raped!

I cannot put myself in your shoes but I have been in her shoes.

You do not have to carry on the friendship but please understand that your friend has 'lost' her mind and is going through Hell!

When I was raped. I honestly thought I was going to die. It is the most horrendous experience any woman can go through.

I still have issues with intimacy, to this day.

She is not choosing to be like this. She just cannot cope with what that areshole did to her. And the drinking etc is her (unhealthy) coping mechanism.

I also feel for you, as I can imagine you feel helpless. Is there someone in rl that you can talk to in confidence?

You lost any support from me when you said it was 2 years ago.

That's not even time to process the legal fall out let alone emotional.

I couldn't block someone in such a terrible state. I would certainlyexplain to her that I didn't feel able to cope with her mental health issues. But blocking is extremely unkind and hurtful.

The best support for someone raped is rape crisis

Their psychologists understand the trauma responses and can offer counselling and support

I've worked with rape crisis - do one nice thing for her before you disappear and get some info on rape crisis for her .

And thank your lucky stars it wasn't you on that night out. How did you "lose each other "? Did she leave you alone or did you leave her ?

Mental illness can be treated you know ? But she needs therapy , counselling, possibly medication, and kindness.
Why do you have to
Totally cut her off ?

This, have some backbone. ‘Blocking’ is immature and cruel.

Bearing in mind it normally takes nearly a year for a rape to even be referred to the CPS, I'm impressed that this arrest, investigation, charges, court hearings and sentencing all happened within a year. Especially in the middle of the Covid lockdown.

Wow OP. This is one of the most sad and shocking posts I’ve read in a long time. You lack empathy and emotional intelligence. You are totally allowed to take a step back and prioritise yourself as I can understand it must be so tough for you. But don’t be a coward. Tell your friend you care for her but you don’t have the capacity to support her in the way she needs; she needs professional support (try to point her in the right direction). Don’t ghost her. Shocking you could consider this. Shocking you implied she should be able to move on so quickly. Stop the judgment. You have no idea. You are privileged not to understand.

The other thing to consider is whilst it's going through court there is a wealth of support- and then that suddenly drops off after court and sentencing.

People expect the victim to get over it and carry on when in reality that's the hardest time .

Because you are expected to feel it's over - of course it's not . Not for the victim . The worlds just carries on - so everyone expects that's it all done now - business as usual.

I think you are guilty of this op .

Unless she is openly blaming you for leaving her that night or being hostile towards you you could try being a better friend and maybe getting information and help for her whilst taking a step back personally.

That's what a friend does.

This was so sad to read.

I think it would be incredibly cruel to just block her without having a conversation with her first.

Even if you don't wish to be her friend anymore, you should have enough empathy for her to meet with her in person and explain why you stepping back.

If you just do it over the text or block her, she will blame herself and think she caused this. What an awful thing to do to her when she is already struggling.

No one can force you to stay friends with her, but after such a long friendship it's really cruel and heartless to just cut her off without a proper explanation.

You sound like a coward, just blocking her with no reason to her. You need to explain that she must gain therapy and seek help because it is affecting you in a very negative way. Be honest with her.

I really feel for your friend, she's been through an awful ordeal.

This is an extremely upsetting thread and there should be a trigger warning in the title.