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Original poster

Content Warning - mentions rape: Had enough of my friend who experienced something awful

391 replies

WaitingforSummer77 · 01/07/2023 03:36

I have a friend who I have known since I was 18....we are now early 40s. I'm thinking of ending our friendship. I think the best thing to do for my own sanity is to just cut her off.

I met her through a big group of mutual friends in our late teenage years. We were always out drinking, partying, going to festivals and raves etc (late 90s/early 00s). Most of the friendships were fairly superficial, we all just wanted friends to party with. But I did get on particularly well with her and over the years as people grew up and moved on, we developed a deeper friendship and we stayed in touch and became closer.

In our early 20s my friend decided that she needed a massive change and to do something with her life. She moved 130 miles to London, got herself into a good university, lived in Central London, and gained qualifications which gave her entry to a well respected profession. I was so pleased and happy for her. I always knew she had it in her to make something of herself. I loved visiting her in London.

She didn't stay in London very long. She found it lonely and depressing and she didn't have enough money, so she came home.

I was briefly in awe of her. She had been away, lived in London, got a degree and had come back to our city with a really good career. I must admit, I know people find it boring, but I was also happy. I had worked in the same company for quite a few years. My job wasn't that exciting or well paid, but I have never yearned for career status.

We really enjoyed spending time together, until one night we went out together, we both had too much to drink, we lost each other, and my friend ended up getting raped by a stranger.

The aftermath was awful. The police were immediately involved. The person who did it to her was found and eventually convicted. I had to give a statement. It felt like my friend was being investigated everything that she went through.

Her mental health deteriorated, she lost her job and career, she started getting detained by the police under the mental health act....but they always let her go again..

She seems completely crazy now but I cannot cope with her anymore. She is constantly drinking and drunk, putting herself into extremely difficult situations, is completely obsessed with talking about the trauma, she is a mess.

I'm supposed to be meeting her tomorrow afternoon. We are supposed to text in the morning to arrange a time and place. I don't want to see her.

I have already blocked her phone number and I have no intention of contacting her again. I can't cope with her anymore. Is this okay?

OP posts:
MannyTeddy · 01/07/2023 05:24

So she only gets 2 years of sympathy after being raped? Jesus.

Jennybeans401 · 01/07/2023 05:27

@MannyTeddy yes, bloody shocking.

radiatorpipe · 01/07/2023 05:28

She is an emotional vampire

interesting take...

It's ok to not be able to cope with her but just be honest. Don't block & ghost.

TarquinOliverNimrod · 01/07/2023 05:29

It could have been you. Remember that when you’re callously blocking a traumatised friend of some 20 odd years.

radiatorpipe · 01/07/2023 05:29

I'm not sure why you would even consider the blocking option.

Ineedaduvetday · 01/07/2023 05:31

Sorry to be harsh OP but I suspect this is more about your feelings of guilt at having lost your friend on a night out and seeing the toll that the rape has had on her more than than anything else. Easier to walk away, for you that is. She deserves an explanation after all these years.

bozzabollix · 01/07/2023 05:33

I think if you’re going to message (and you should) then you should be totally honest about your shortcomings. Say you’re unequipped to deal with what’s happened and that’s your failing. Don’t blame anything on her.

There’s an alternative though, say you’re having a mental health crisis of your own and need to withdraw for a bit, then see her every so often after that. It might be after a break you can see her the odd time. Twenty years is a lot to Chuck away given the reason for her current crisis.

There may be something in PP’s idea there’s your guilt involved, it so easily could have been you. Do you feel bad about that? Does her not coping make you feel more guilty?

BeethovenNinth · 01/07/2023 05:33

She is going through hell

if you can’t handle that then kindly and gently let her know it’s too much for you. Don’t block her

she has been raped. She will come through this. Don’t regret this in a few years

Original poster
WaitingforSummer77 · 01/07/2023 05:34

@BadNomad ...seems like you are questioning what happened? ...the person who attacked her had attacked someone else previously (also stranger). He was arrested after the previous attack and the police wanted to charge him but the cps said that there wasn't enough evidence so they had to let him go....knowing that he would very likely do it again (we didn't know this until they told us later in the investigation). He did do it again. My friend didn't know even his name after she was attacked. The police were involved within a few hours of it happening.They told us it was a high priority case. The way they spoke to us, we thought they knew who did it. They identified him through forensics and arrested him within 24 hours. Again, the police wanted to charge him and remand him in custody but the cps said no, not enough evidence. So he was free , roaming around for about 6 months until more detailed forensic evidence came out. He then went on the run! He was eventually caught when he assaulted another woman in a different city and went into prison on remand. So the case was prioritised through court. I think cases are much slower to get to court when the attacker is known to the victim. It was a nightmare, every single day from attack to conviction was very very very stressful.

OP posts:
Hayliebells · 01/07/2023 05:36

Two years after going something like that is nothing, I really surprised you think she should have moved on so quickly. I also don't think it sounds like she has all that much support, despite what you say. She may have a dedicated community support nurse, but they don't have oodles of time to spend with individuals, they're understaffed and overstretched, it's not like your friend will be the only person the nurse is supporting. I do think you should get some counselling to help yourself, and you should help her get counselling too, has she had that? You sound a bit heartless, and clueless about the impact of rape.

ClickingTock123 · 01/07/2023 05:36

People jump on the whole "block and delete" bullshit way too much these days. Get over yourselves! Unless someone is harassing you or stalking you there is just no need to be so bloody dramatic. Pathetic.

Nicecow · 01/07/2023 05:37

Is it ok? ... No! Can't believe you'd would consider blocking and ghosting a friend, let alone in these tragic circumstances. It could have been you. Treating her this way could be the last straw for her, I don't think you would want this on your conscience. Have a talk to her, step back a bit, it's ok to be struggling too and you don't have to be her therapist. Do be a friend though, at least in some capacity. Get her the helps she needs, counselling, AA whatever.

baggiesmalls · 01/07/2023 05:37

Op

As I stated my job I completely get that it's happened from arrest to conviction within a year but that's what you're focusing on ????

Nicecow · 01/07/2023 05:39

bobblyjob · 01/07/2023 04:09

It sounds like YOU neee counselling tbh to help you through it

This too. Perhaps you should look into it.

baggiesmalls · 01/07/2023 05:39

And if you found it very very very stressful.....

How do you think the victim (your friend) found it ?

Makemineadecafplease · 01/07/2023 05:43

But investigation and court is not all of it. More aupport will be needed down the line.Place yourself in her shoes and ask 'would I like it she did the same to me? The poor woman has to relive the sad experience everyime she meets a police officer,a mental health worker or therapist. Common, your reasons are quite baseless if you ask me. Sorry, but she deserves better and I hope she meets another friend who is ready to support her truly.

CJsGoldfish · 01/07/2023 05:43

I feel like I'm being affected so badly by what happened to her. I really wish it never happened
I'm sure she wishes the same 🙄

So 1 yr really since the investigation, court etc? After a 22 yr friendship?

YOU don't like how it has affected YOU. So how does the one who was traumatised by a brutal attack because you didn't have each others back when you were out together feel, do you think, if YOU are so inconvenienced? I've seen women on here still moping because a boyfriend left them 3,4,5 years ago. But 2 years after she was raped, you can't be arsed with her anymore because she isn't 'over it' to your satisfaction?

Wow.

Brightbear · 01/07/2023 05:43

WaitingforSummer77 · 01/07/2023 05:34

@BadNomad ...seems like you are questioning what happened? ...the person who attacked her had attacked someone else previously (also stranger). He was arrested after the previous attack and the police wanted to charge him but the cps said that there wasn't enough evidence so they had to let him go....knowing that he would very likely do it again (we didn't know this until they told us later in the investigation). He did do it again. My friend didn't know even his name after she was attacked. The police were involved within a few hours of it happening.They told us it was a high priority case. The way they spoke to us, we thought they knew who did it. They identified him through forensics and arrested him within 24 hours. Again, the police wanted to charge him and remand him in custody but the cps said no, not enough evidence. So he was free , roaming around for about 6 months until more detailed forensic evidence came out. He then went on the run! He was eventually caught when he assaulted another woman in a different city and went into prison on remand. So the case was prioritised through court. I think cases are much slower to get to court when the attacker is known to the victim. It was a nightmare, every single day from attack to conviction was very very very stressful.

You sound like you had equal stress from attack to conviction as your friend…… you didn’t! You didn’t even have 10% of her stress, so stop making it sound like you “both” went through this, you didn’t!

GameOverBoys · 01/07/2023 05:45

Ghosting a friend of 20 years because their mental health is terrible. Are you not worried she might harm herself?

Brightbear · 01/07/2023 05:45

GameOverBoys · 01/07/2023 05:45

Ghosting a friend of 20 years because their mental health is terrible. Are you not worried she might harm herself?

Clearly not….

BadNomad · 01/07/2023 05:46

@BadNomad ...seems like you are questioning what happened?

Not at all. I'm just impressed at the speed of that conviction. Thank goodness it didn't take any longer than that. You probably would have had a breakdown.

Squirrelsnut · 01/07/2023 05:46

You do sound self-centred, OP. If you need to step back from the friendship, fine, but don't ghost your poor friend. Jesus.

Theskyoutsideisblue · 01/07/2023 05:48

I cannot believe what I have just read. You never ever get over something like this. You just over time learn to live with it. She was so brave to see the court case through. You ought to be ashamed of yourself

ChocBananaSmoothie · 01/07/2023 05:50

I really don't think I could block her. Two years is nothing for this kind of thing. She's been a friend for such a long time. This is the time you really find out who your friends are. I'm not in your shoes but I believe I'd continue to be there with my friend in whatever way I was capable of.

Maya899 · 01/07/2023 05:51

I can't write a long post right now but am happy to later or if you have a question or something.

I was raped at 17 by 2 strangers. I am 31 now and I still find things extremely difficult and I'm 15 years in. Admittedly I am doing better since 10 months of weekly EMDR therapy sessions. (A therapy to maybe suggest to your friend?)

Now your friend is 2 years in!, Not only are you are expecting far too much but she is in the beginning stage of her recovery and MH team or not you should be supportive to the extent you can, even a little bit...not just dump her. You are being v unreasonable.