Content Warning - mentions rape: Had enough of my friend who experienced something awful

Do the decent thing. Meet up with her in person and talk to her face to face. After 20 years of friendship she deserves that at least. Yeah yeah you were there during the investigation etc etc that’s what any decent friend would do but blocking and ghosting because she hasn’t snapped out of it quick enough for you is just downright fucking cruel. You’re a fucking arsehole.

Wow, I'm glad you're not my friend. How heartless.

You are a shit 'friend' OP.

Your friend was horrifically attacked but after a year you expected her to shake it off and stop being such a downer? I feel heartbroken for your friend. She is in an understandably vulnerable state and needs support from those around her but your response is to block and ghost her like a secondary school bully? I could understand if this had been going on for a decade but I can't imagine anyone would be able to come to terms with being raped in the space of two years. This post has made me feel really sad.

This.

Dont just block her.
Explain.

2 year since the rape and then a trial is so recent for her.
So sorry she has been so badly affected.

You were in 'awe' of her when things were going well in her life and now find her too much after her life has gone downhill.

You should really look at your behviour.

She is a victim of trauma and has mental health issues.

Which bit is her responsibility? Getting raped? Her mental health deteriorating? Being too unwell to work? Being deep in this painful trauma?

Your poor friend. With friends like you...
I dont think you can comprehend what she went through, well obviously you can't. I hope she has other people to support her.

Your friend has post traumatic stress REACTION (it's not a disorder, the disorder what the rapist's behaviour).

She had her body violently invaded by a stranger when she thought she was safe (nobody has fun when they're actively scared, so wherever you guys were, she thought she was safe). So how can she trust the world now? How does she know that any male stranger won't do the same thing? Rationally she knows not everybody is like that, but she also has no way of telling. She can't be certain that any man is safe or and place is safe. On top of that her brain is on high alert the entire time. She won't be sleeping/sleeping well which doesn't help, but when she closes her eyes, what does she see, what does she feel? What does she taste? What does she smell? Every, single night? What happens in her dreams? Again, every single night.

The problem is that she has no physical injuries. If her arm was hanging off her shoulder, she had a gaping, bleeding wound from her hip to her ankle, a broken nose, massive black eye and a dislocated jaw, you'd not block her. You'd try to get her medical attention. But to you what's in the past is in the past so let's put it behind us and move on, because that's easier than seeing her behaviours as an absolutely desperate cry for help, to people who basically aren't or can't listen, or aren't or can't help.

She needs specialist rape support, not general mental health support. Read the Rape Crisis site. Send it to her. Tell her you want her to get help that actually helps. Don't tell her you want her to get over it, tell her you want her to be able to feel a bit better.

I get that you find her behaviour intolerable. I've been there with someone too, not due to rape though. But please don't leave her the way she is. Honestly, if her behaviour is so extreme, she's feeling FAR worse than she's told you.

If you're in England or Wales:
rapecrisis.org.uk/

If you're in or around Edinburgh
beirasplace.org.uk/

Other places I don't know to recommend, but that's something to go on at least.

And in any case, both sites have info and resources for victims and those who care about them.

Give them to her.

I also think you should send her a link to this thread, so she sees how much support she has.

Please don’t ghost this poor woman. At least have the guts to tell her to her face that this is all too much for YOU.

She seems like she’s at rock bottom and potentially at risk of self harm. Does she have an actual friend or relative you can ask to keep an eye on her after you’ve ended your friendship?

Please don't add to her difficulties by blocking her and offering no explanation. I'd suggest letting her know (gently) that her needs for support are above and beyond what you're able to offer and that you need to withdraw to look after yourself and your own mental health.

Speaking as someone who became mentally ill after trauma and some of whose friends jumped ship, it's awful wondering what you've done wrong and she's likely to blame herself. Please be kind and let her know that you're taking this step to look after yourself.

Two years is nothing for that type of trauma.

Please don’t just block her, that’s incredibly cruel.

I have a distinct feeling she wouldn’t act this way if it had happened to you, OP….

I was sympathetic to you till you said 2 years and that she should move on as he's been convicted.

Firstly, it's absolutely ok for this to feel like it's too much for you and to put in some better boundaries.
Supporting someone through something like this will be really hard and I imagine you may also have some unresolved feelings about what happened that might?

If you choose to walk away completely that's ok too but it's very sad.

I'm glad you're going to unblock her and explain at the very least because what you'd planned to do was unspeakably cruel. I honestly cannot imagine anyone thinking that was even an option.

Whatever you do from here, I think you need to development some knowledge and understanding of trauma.
Not because you're expected to be a carer or therapist for your friend but because your view and expectations on how slowly she's recovering and moving on is unreasonable and I'll-informed. It feels like you are blaming her for still being in pain.

You also need to understand how stretched mental health services are. Having a CMHT nurse doesn't mean she necessarily has that much contact day to day but that will vary based on risks and resources.

That you list housing officer and union rep as support for a traumatised rape survivor is almost funny.
Both will be massively busy and not in any way equipped to help beyond their specific tasks.

Now, none of that make her your responsibility but I think you need to be really honest with yourself that you are trying to justify walking away when you know she's in a bad place.

If you're going to end this long friendship you owe her a conversation where you gently tell her you are struggling to manage this and need to step away.

i cannot type candidly what I think of @WaitingforSummer77 as the post would be deleted as a personal attack or 'not in the spirit'. But fuck me, what a catastrophically immature and selfish opening post.

on the positive debt, at least @WaitingforSummer77 is no longer gong the 'block and ignore' route when having arranged to meet her friend.

I do wonder though if @WaitingforSummer77 's grotesquely unsympathetic/ 'get over it' reaction May in part be due to her blaming herself for the rape - ie because they got separated and lost each other: We really enjoyed spending time together, until one night we went out together, we both had too much to drink, we lost each other, and my friend ended up getting raped by a stranger

You sound less emotionally complex than your friend. Only you can decide if you can continue to be in her life. It’s ok to recognise your own needs in any relationship and try and get them met but in the context of doing the right thing and maintaining the relationship sometimes that will mean not necessarily asking more of the other person than they can give. Your friend can’t give you back the relationship you had before. She’s ready to ‘move on’. She’s in pain. If you can find other ways to meet your needs and continue to be there for her that’s the route I would take but only you can decide for you.

I can make you aware that on the face of what you’ve said you sound like you’re wanting to shun someone whose ‘trouble’ and ‘troubled’ behaviour makes you deeply uncomfortable. maybe you need to address what that is.

(Because to drop a friend because she’s being too slow to get over being raped and acting out trauma in ways you don’t approve of…well, let’s just say that wouldn’t endear you to me as a future friend. And will you actually be able to live happily with your decision beyond this moment of feeling desperate?)

I’ll say the things that jump out for me - all that stuff about her moving to london (thinking she’s better than you?) then you being in awe of her (because she’d travelled and done things you didn’t want to do?) now is there a tiny part of you that thinks ‘see, she’s not better than me. This is what happens when you try and be something your’re not. When you think you’re better and try and do something different? When you don’t live a quiet life?’

Is that part of what scares you?

Your post with all its irrelevant details about your friend’s life reads as if you want us to agree that ‘oh yes, this woman who thought she was better than everyone here is still acting crazy…we (the people who never left and went to London) would never do that…why can’t she just live a quiet life…? Why didn’t she?’

these are just possibilities- only you can pinpoint exactly what you’re feeling and where it comes from.

Does she have any reason for feeling anger towards you that ‘you lost each other’ that night? Do you wonder about that? Did you ever talk about it? Could guilt (misplaced) be part of this? As in, survivors guilt that it happened to your friend and not you? (Again this may be rubbish but it jumps out of what you wrote as possible). Did you support her that first year out of guilt or love? Or is your worldview such that there’s a part of you that actually feels validated that it was she who was attacked and not you…? That’s a dark ugly thought so I’m not suggesting it lightly I’m just actually amazed by the detail in your post leading up to your actual question- as if you were choosing the details of your friends life tbat in your view would naturally lead us to agree with you…’she went to London, she was successful, I was in awe…’ the set up is there so that when you say ‘but now look…’ it’s as if you think we’ll find it natural that we’ll agree she…what? Brought it on herself? Should be over it by now if she’s so smart and successful? can you allow your mind a sliver of light onto the dark thought that ‘well, if she wasn’t the way she was, if she had just stayed home like me…if she had been more like me after all…’

Is that what your fear sometimes tells you?

because something about continuing to associate with your former friend seems to be scaring you. You talk about sanity but what is making you go insane to be around your friend who is acting out such pain? Is it fear? of what? What are the feelings in your body? Does it remind you of all the terrible things that might happen if you don’t live a quiet life?

Are you losing your safe stable sense of self in trying to be there for her and watching her look over the edge into anger and despair? It’s ok to recognise your needs in a friendship and then try to meet them. But you should try and express them and then review them in light of what the friendship means / has meant to you.

good luck whatever you decide. And I hope if you block her that your former friend is ok.

having written all that out…there’s another possibility. You’re a writer and you’re gauging reaction to the psychology of a character you’re drawing. Because I’m having a hard time thinking that someone could be so intelligent and articulate and yet so completely lacking in empathy that you give us detail about the backstory but no detail on the actual behaviour that’s causing you distress. Think I just walked right onto the storyboard

Why the fuck would you block the number of someone you've known for over 20 years, without firstly explaining that decision to her??
Absolutely 100% NOT ok.

To end the friendship, fine.
To do it in the way you have done, callous.

This.

I'm all for stepping back from toxic people for our own mental health but your long time friend was raped and it has destroyed her life. I couldn't block a really good friend going through that.

I’ve fortunately never been raped but I have experienced bereavement and people do think you will be over it in an incredibly short period of time. Your comment that your friend should be over it when he was convicted is jaw dropping. Traumatic experiences take an awfully long time to get any sort of hold on and you don’t fully get over it.

Professional people does not constitute lots of support. Support is having close family and good friends there for you whenever needed. Her family don’t sound supportive and if you’re the only good friend she has got then poor woman.

I don’t doubt seeing your friend in such a state is hard and you probably feel helpless but she is not choosing to be that way and you have no concept of how much harder for her it is.

Your friend needs time and support. How would you feel if you had been raped and your best friend of 20 years dropped you because it was too much effort and you weren’t fun anymore.

rattyhealy and myrtle have written better posts, so if you’re real OP listen to them

Actually, I don't think this post can be for real. No one is this emotionally unintelligent.

It was only 2 years ago!
I'm still getting over covid and lockdown. Two years is nothing. It is not a good amount of time to judge if someone is going to be like that forever. I'm saddened that you can't support your best friend.

It's not even a decent friend who would support the investigation, it's a decent human being. Anyone with any morals or conscience whatsoever.

And yes, a friendship spanning over 20 years deserves so much more than a block or ending by text. Grow a backbone and see her in person. Even if you ending the friendship will be potentially incredibly traumatic for her. You do you, right?

Christ, you're an awful human being. Your poor poor friend.