Content Warning - mentions rape: Had enough of my friend who experienced something awful

Op have you had any counselling? You sound disassociated as though you are traumatised - it must have felt awful knowing you were with your friend the night that happened - is there guilt/ shame that you can't be there for her?

Ultimately if you can't cope with supporting her - take a step back.

But - try to see the bigger picture. She will experience that as very distressing if you have been involved so far - how about trying to set some distance between you that doesn't make her feel completely rejected?

It sounds like you weren't particularly close friends and this whole fall out has been more than you can cope with - but it's rather harsh to say she has support of a nurse/ trade union - that isn't friendship.

If this is real (I hope it's just a wind up) then you're a bad friend and a genuinely selfish person. I'm almost impressed at how terrible you sound!

I haven’t read the whole thread but you’re talking about ‘all her support’ and listing professionals…..those people don’t love her thats their job…. and her family who have also had enough of her. As other posters have said 2 years is nothing to get over what happened to her.

Are you struggling with the fact she’s not your perfect impressive friend anymore? That the shines come off?

You absolutely need to tell her why you don’t want to see her anymore. Just blocking her is deeply awful. Of course it’s up to you whether you have her in your life and if she’s really affecting you negatively (ie involving you in the chaos, you having to rescue her, her turning up at your house off her head etc) then yeah I can see your point. But if she just needs help and support then I think you are being unreasonable. And definitely definitely tell her!!!

Christ alive but you are a shit friend!

You thought she’d “get over” being raped because it’s been over a year? 😯

Don’t just abandon her when she’s broken. Tell her you need some space. Ffs two years is nothing to heal from so deep a trauma.

Another vote for telling her and then block her if that's what you have to do.
Two years is really not that long but if you can't cope with her then I guess you have to do it.
But definitely tell her. Surely you owe a tape victim and 22 year friend an explanation?

Looks like you need a break to protect your sanity. Tell her that.

Definitely unblock her, meet up with her and tell her how you feel.
Don't just ghost her.

I think you might not be getting that people are saying by all means step away if you can’t cope - but just not showing up to meet her without telling her you are not coming is beyond cruel. She’ll be waiting and confused - you might trigger her state to worsen. Just text her at least.

This. Absolutely. I can’t even believe what I’m reading.
abandonment with no explanation is just going to compound this poor woman’s trauma.

yeah, alcohol is hard to deal with. But to call a year of healing “drama” just blows my mind. How fucking shallow can you get.

OP I hope nothing this awful ever happens to you. It is not easy to be our best selves when our whole world falls apart and we are violated in such a way.
sounds like you were happy to be her friend when she impressed you.

good lord I’m so disgusted with this attitude

I cant believe anyone would dump a friend of 22 years because they were fed up with her trying to come to terms with being raped 2 years ago!! 2 years is nothing.

Your attitude is awful. She's been through a horrific experience, been to court & is now clearly struggling with her MH & now you're going to dump her because you're basically fed up listening to her

Words fail me

Wow, OP. You are cold as ice.

Where in the world are you that a rape conviction got to trial in under two years? At the moment, it simply doesn’t happen. The backlog in England and Wales is about 4 years long…

I would never dump a friend because I couldn’t handle their reaction to trauma (and I’ve been there), and I absolutely would NOT arrange to see them and then block them.

WTAF is wrong with you?? Have you any empathy??

I think what you are asking for, is to step back because its affecting your mental help. And thats OK. You have had an amazing 20 plus years of friendship and you could have another 20 years more. But I wouldn't end thr friendship. There are other ways to give support. Message your friend the truth and say you also are finding it hard but that you are there for her and that you can't see her this time (give an excuse to soften the blow). Give yourself some space, that's OK until..you are ready to see her again but propose next time you see her something fun like a movie so that it occupies the time and her mind.
But let her text message you if she needs l, perhaps bake her a treat and write a card. there are other ways to be a friend right now.
Mental health is an ongoing balancing act. You know never know, you might need her one day.

OP, I’m assuming this is true (and I’m not convinced and think this thread is going to disappear) but I had to say you would be right to put boundaries in place and step back, I haven’t in the past and it made me a gibberish wreck. BUT, you cannot do it like you suggested, she’s not a stalker, she’s a friend who’s world has imploded, what do you think losing her long term friend in that way will do to her?

Presumably she also knows where you live and work so if you think you’re avoiding a difficult conversation I would imagine it will be much worse if she turns up in a state.

You don’t need to make her life worse for her.

I haven’t read all the posts but did look at your updates.

I’m glad to see that you’re going to let her know that you won’t be meeting her today as that would have, quite frankly, been an awful thing to do. I know you’ve said it’s taking a toll on you and you wish the assault didn’t happen but it comes across like that’s because YOU’VE had enough on the impact on YOU regardless of how she’s suffered. I obviously don’t know all of the ins and outs and I know you said you supported her through the investigation, but I personally feel that you’re lacking a bit of empathy. This woman has gone through the worst thing imaginable. It could have easily been you that the stranger/rapist found after you got separated that night…. Would you be ok with be abandoned by a lifelong friend?

Obviously you’ve made your mind up about not seeing her again, and that’s your prerogative it just seems sad from an outside perspective.

I think you are cruel to block her. Sure take a step back. Sounds like she may need to be sectioned.
But how the hell are you expecting her to get over it after 2 years as though it was nothing??? It is life changing.

Yes this is the bit I wanted to quote as well! Wow poor you having to cope with the trauma of YOUR FRIEND being raped! It is awful and I’m sure incredibly upsetting but it was your friend who was actually raped and has had to try to deal with it. Not you.

I think people don't realise how traumatising this can be for support, hence why terms secondary and vicarious trauma exist. That's why professionals often have their own support why supporting victims. Morelver, they are usually taught coping strategies. Non professional is just there with no knowledge how to preserve themselves.
While ghosting is absolutely terrible and no one claims the friends wasn't through something worse, trauma in carers and supporters is real.
Like everyone on here could listen to the attack over and over again and not be affected....

OP, a lot of people judging you on here, the usual mumsnet responses. You've obviously been affected by everything a great deal (and no need to compare to how friend was affected) and can't cope anymore. You mentioned that she keeps getting sectioned and involved in different dramas/reckless behaviours, which is already getting too much for her own family, so I imagine that has played the biggest part in your decision to cut her off. Whilst people are right that 2 years is nothing in terms of recovery and that you shouldn't just ghost her with no explanation, they aren't right to judge you on your decision to move away from the friendship or your abilities to cope. 2 years is still a very long time of support you've given your friend, but sounds like she has gone down a very destructive path, which has also taken a toll on the people around her. If you feel completely drained by her, then of course it's okay to look after yourself and take a break from all the new drama that friend keeps bringing into your life. Just do it the right way, text her that you need to take some time off as your own mental health hasn't been great and you're not in a position to give her all the on going support at the moment.

Really OP? You're being incredibly mean and selfish. Poor friend, she'll be better off without you in the long run but this is going to hurt her immeasurably I would imagine, especially if you just block her.

You sound awful and heartless OP. All the people you mentioned she has support from are paid to do so; you mention no one (apart from family who you say are close to throwing in the towel with her too) who is choosing to actively be there. And to even think about just blocking her and not showing up?! Grow up.

life is complicated and awful things happen and you were never a real friend if you abandon her. She’s better off without you.

This is shameful. Don’t ghost the poor woman. Be a decent person and tell her you can’t cope or give her what she needs. I don’t blame you for that part, but just blocking her and not explaining is terrible.