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Original poster

Content Warning - mentions rape: Had enough of my friend who experienced something awful

391 replies

WaitingforSummer77 · 01/07/2023 03:36

I have a friend who I have known since I was 18....we are now early 40s. I'm thinking of ending our friendship. I think the best thing to do for my own sanity is to just cut her off.

I met her through a big group of mutual friends in our late teenage years. We were always out drinking, partying, going to festivals and raves etc (late 90s/early 00s). Most of the friendships were fairly superficial, we all just wanted friends to party with. But I did get on particularly well with her and over the years as people grew up and moved on, we developed a deeper friendship and we stayed in touch and became closer.

In our early 20s my friend decided that she needed a massive change and to do something with her life. She moved 130 miles to London, got herself into a good university, lived in Central London, and gained qualifications which gave her entry to a well respected profession. I was so pleased and happy for her. I always knew she had it in her to make something of herself. I loved visiting her in London.

She didn't stay in London very long. She found it lonely and depressing and she didn't have enough money, so she came home.

I was briefly in awe of her. She had been away, lived in London, got a degree and had come back to our city with a really good career. I must admit, I know people find it boring, but I was also happy. I had worked in the same company for quite a few years. My job wasn't that exciting or well paid, but I have never yearned for career status.

We really enjoyed spending time together, until one night we went out together, we both had too much to drink, we lost each other, and my friend ended up getting raped by a stranger.

The aftermath was awful. The police were immediately involved. The person who did it to her was found and eventually convicted. I had to give a statement. It felt like my friend was being investigated everything that she went through.

Her mental health deteriorated, she lost her job and career, she started getting detained by the police under the mental health act....but they always let her go again..

She seems completely crazy now but I cannot cope with her anymore. She is constantly drinking and drunk, putting herself into extremely difficult situations, is completely obsessed with talking about the trauma, she is a mess.

I'm supposed to be meeting her tomorrow afternoon. We are supposed to text in the morning to arrange a time and place. I don't want to see her.

I have already blocked her phone number and I have no intention of contacting her again. I can't cope with her anymore. Is this okay?

OP posts:
Cakesandbabes · 09/07/2023 06:54

@WaitingforSummer77 https://www.ptsduk.org/secondary-trauma/

Just look into this, get yourself help andleavw the thread because it will keep attracting perfect pelple who always have full cup (they think they would).
You can't pour from an empty cup. It happens to many, so just look after yourself as well

Secondary Trauma – PTSD UK

PTSD UK - a community for everyone in the UK affected by Post Traumatic Stress Disorder

https://www.ptsduk.org/secondary-trauma

Backstreets · 09/07/2023 08:18

Agree you should step away from the thread op.
Good luck navigating this situation onwards.

LadyPenelope68 · 09/07/2023 08:46

To be honest, your update makes you sound already worse than the first one did. She’s experienced severe trauma and you’ve made it all about you. Not often I’m lost for words, but you are unbelievable.

Quveas · 09/07/2023 08:52

I don't agree with what you are doing in general, or your attitude - as I made clear originally. But I do understand that being a friend of someone in traumatic distress can be hard going. There are ways of being there and still putting up boundaries. For example, phones have "sleep functions" - they can stop notifications between certain hours, and you can also change the setting to allow certain notifications to come through. If she is messaging your during the night and you need time away from that, then use the settings. There are ways of creating boundaries that do not cause further distress. Alternatively, and I am not suggesting this at all, if you simply cannot be her friend any more, at least have the decency to tell her and not string her along.

MuckyPlucky · 09/07/2023 12:04

Wow. Wow. WOW.

Cannot believe what I’ve just read.

Feel chilled to the bone that there’s people walking around amongst us who are like the OP. Shudder.

GeorgeMichaelsCat · 09/07/2023 12:39

I do not at all think that she deserved what happened to her, but yes she has always always been a outgoing risk taker kind of person.

You've contradicted yourself there @WaitingforSummer77

Gytgyt · 09/07/2023 17:18

Perhaps OP has got mental health issues herself. Because her responses are shocking the whole thread is and I can't believe it's still going...

JenWillsiam · 09/07/2023 20:21

WaitingforSummer77 · 09/07/2023 05:58

Sent to soon...

I said please don't message me over the next few days as I might not be able to respond but hopefully we can meet up soon.

To those who don't understand..she was texting me up to 10 times a night (overnight) with running commentaries of whatever was going on.

To those who question the timescale....see previous posts.

I do not at all think that she deserved what happened to her, but yes she has always always been a outgoing risk taker kind of person. She has always had mental health issues. Her personality is unusual but she is very likeable and kind but also intense. She has had so many blessings in life because of the way she is and yes, it has been hard supporting her.

I do feel out of my depth. I know I'm far from perfect. I will have a think about what to say when we do meet.

Did you really just come back to victim blame? There’s something very very wrong with you.

doingthehokeykokey · 09/07/2023 20:27

WaitingforSummer77 · 01/07/2023 03:47

The rape was 2 years ago. Don't know if I made that clear in my original post. There was 1 year where I supported her through the investigation and appearing in court. And since then one year of stress and drama with her. I really didn't mind supporting her through the investigation but I really thought after he got convicted she would move on. But since then she's been worse than ever. I do feel sad for her but it's beyond me

2 years?! Duck I thought you meant when you were 20.

Yes YABU. Very

TheSilentSister · 10/07/2023 01:27

To the posters dissing OP - Sometimes we need to look out for ourselves, no matter how selfish it seems. Until you've walked in 'their shoes' you have no idea what they've been through. No one is denying what the friend went through was horrendous but OP has been caught up in this and it must have been hard. Maybe her own mental health isn't great and just not capable to continue support. I agree that ghosting isn't on. Friend deserves an explanation.
I've been in a similar situation a couple of times. Both times I've had to back off for my own sanity. One I blocked as she wasn't accepting any explanations. The other is ongoing. It's so hard. Through no fault of your own, you feel responsible for another, that you can't cope with, for whatever reason.
OP's friend doesn't own her.
Also, maybe OP is the worst person to get support from in this situation as she's too close, knows too much. The friend needs a third party, proper counselling.
OP, do what you need to do. Maybe you can resume the friendship once you've had breathing space.

Gytgyt · 10/07/2023 06:45

@TheSilentSister I think people lost sympathy when she write its been 2 years since the rape and I thought she would move on. Really?

I think one thing you are correct about is its apparent that OP isn't the right support for her friend.

Quveas · 10/07/2023 07:26

TheSilentSister · 10/07/2023 01:27

To the posters dissing OP - Sometimes we need to look out for ourselves, no matter how selfish it seems. Until you've walked in 'their shoes' you have no idea what they've been through. No one is denying what the friend went through was horrendous but OP has been caught up in this and it must have been hard. Maybe her own mental health isn't great and just not capable to continue support. I agree that ghosting isn't on. Friend deserves an explanation.
I've been in a similar situation a couple of times. Both times I've had to back off for my own sanity. One I blocked as she wasn't accepting any explanations. The other is ongoing. It's so hard. Through no fault of your own, you feel responsible for another, that you can't cope with, for whatever reason.
OP's friend doesn't own her.
Also, maybe OP is the worst person to get support from in this situation as she's too close, knows too much. The friend needs a third party, proper counselling.
OP, do what you need to do. Maybe you can resume the friendship once you've had breathing space.

I suppose that it depends on what you think is "dissing". It's personal isn't it, what you would do.

I've walked in her shoes, thanks, and didn't make the choice to walk away. Yes, it's hard. But that is about friendship. And in the friend's shoes I'd bloody well never "resume the friendship" of someone who walked away, no matter how understandable that may be in hindsight. A friend who dumps you when the friendship is hard (on them) isn't a friend and isn't worth having, because the next time life is hard (for either of you) they will dump you again.

Tempone · 10/07/2023 08:47

If op said she can't cope, her mh is suffering or she feels ill equipped to deal with her friends trauma, people would be more understanding. However op seems to think there should be a time limit on her friends trauma after a traumatic event, op seems to think her friend should be back to being the same person (even though the undertone of when she speaks about her friend before seems to imply quite a bit of victim blami g when she speaks of risk taking, and good time party girl.)
Op seems to think she has done a magnificent job helping her friend and her tolerance wained, once the trial was over.. surely to god her friend should be over it?after all case closed.
Op is not just looking after her mental health and well being she is being very cold and massively lacking in empathy.

SaccharineDream · 12/07/2023 20:32

Also OP, your friend didn't get raped because she is a 'risk taker' - as you insinuate in your recent post.
She was raped because a crime was committed against her, and many other women, by a piece of literal shit.

I would question why I linked rape to women taking risks.

Being outgoing and uninhibited is not a rape risk factor: Being a woman is.

OrchardBlack · 12/07/2023 22:46

baggiesmalls · 01/07/2023 04:05

2 years is nothing to "get over" a stranger rape attack

I'm sorry I think you are heartless. And I'm a police officer .

For info when someone is detained under a s136 for mental health the police take them to a place of safety- Ie - psychiatric hospital- where they are assessed by a psychiatrist for a decision whether to hold on a section or release. The police have nothing to do with that process.

She clearly needs help but mentally I'll and traumatised people don't recognise that else they wouldn't be mentally I'll would they ?

You've been friends 20 years and your going to stand her up , you E blocked her without so much as a conversation?

Sorry but what you are doing is horrible.

If you can't be friends - explain why. Tell her she needs help . Explain where to get it . But dumping her like that 2 years after such a horrific incident after 20 years is not a kind act .

@baggiesmalls 👏from another police officer.

mumof2g1rls · 12/07/2023 23:32

WaitingforSummer77 · 01/07/2023 04:07

My friend does have support. She has a designated nurse in the community mental health team. I think she also has a Union rep who is helping her with dealing with her employer (she hasn't been at work for a year but they are sorting out ending her contract...which seems complicated), she also has a housing officer from the council (because they helped her move home due to the incident) I think there are also a few other agencies involved.
Her relationships with her family are also very difficult at the moment and I think they are close to throwing in the towel. I know that I sound incredibly selfish, but she has all this support. We still have to cope with the trauma of her going through that, the investigation and court, how crazy she has become..... and supposedly to just continue on with normal life.

Sorry but I'd much rather have a friend of 20+ years to be there for me after a rape rather than a mental health nurse who has known me for no amount of time, or a council officer who does what sorry? Helped her move? She needs emotional support from someone who actually knows and loves her, not someone who's just doing their job.

I get friends can be hard when going through something terrible, I've been in this exact position however I was upfront and honest with my friend. I didn't plan to meet her and the block her. You are a 40 year old women, have some sense. How'd you feel if the shoe were on the other foot and you'd been raped and been through a court case and then your friend decided, oh no too much for me that, and block you? You probably wouldn't feel too good.

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