have kicked out dh with no heart need support please

[innerstrength]

Thank you for clicking in to read my story. I am by no means ready to talk to ?real life? people about this yet, so this is a step towards that.

Dh has had an affair recently. This is the second time he has had an affair with this woman (first time was 3 years ago when ds was a baby; we worked very very hard to get back on track), then a few months ago it started again with the same woman. I have seen deep outpourings of love to her.

Apparently this time, they officially ended the affair in Jan, as they both knew it was wrong. However, they have continued to text, email and meet up regularly as ?friends? (!! ? even if this is so ? in my book, highly inappropriate, and very likely would only be a matter of time before it hots up again.)

Dh has been suffering from deep work stress for some time, and is on medication for this. He has always had sociopathic tendencies in that he has no emotions about pretty much anything, which has always been difficult. He has been quite horrible to me for a long time, and I have tried as hard as I can to make it work, but he is giving absolutely nothing back. I would also say he was in danger of becoming an alcoholic. He has anger management issues. I would say he is not completely of sane mind at the moment, altho not at all dangerous. (there are many similarities with the other thread on this section about a husband who is emotionally detached.)

So 24 hrs ago, after presenting him with evidence re affair, I told him he cannot live here any more. He just said ?OK? and walked out the front door(!!).

For the next few days I am hoping we will have no contact. Then we need to discuss what to tell the children. I would like them to know the truth, but without any bad mouthing of him (I would never do that), and would only tell them what we both agree. Feel sick and shaky. Was very calm and lovely him not being here this morning, but keep having waves of panic. However, I know that I cannot live another 40 years like this, so what other option did I have?

Well done.

Take it day by day, but remember that calm and lovely feeling you had when he wasn't there if ever he tries to worm his way back in.

He sounds horrendous tbh - the sociopathic thing is a bit scary!

Wrt telling the DC, don't do anything hasty. There is loads of time for them to piece together what happened and to work out for themselves what kind of guy their father is. But don't give them a reason to be angry with you for trying to tell them about his affair before they are ready, if at all. You will just look bitter and vengeful, though I understand the urge must be strong to tell people the true story. They will figure it out in time, but in the meantime you will be dignified.

Thanks for reading Dame, you are the first person I've spoken to about all this, so I really value your words. Yes I agree it is very important to maintain dignity in all this; I will really try. However, I do feel I want them to know that I've asked him to leave because of ow. I'm also aware that, in time, they will hear things via other adults and people locally, when I do start talking to friends etc, so they do need to know a fair proportion of the truth. I will not do anything yet. Thanks.

What a horrible situation you have been in and I think you have done totally the right thing. Take time to adjust to this - I know you feel shaky but remind yourself how much better your life is going to be soon.
Can you confide in a friend to help you?

Thank you aleene. I am trying very hard to see the bigger picture. I am a very positive person, and I do believe that, long term, we gain strength and wisdom from tough times like this. I have a couple of wonderful girl friends who know the full background, and have been amazing support, but do not yet know about what has happened in the last day or so. I am a big believer in talking as much as you can about your feelings. I will tell them when I'm ready, but at the moment just want to hide away on my own for a day or two. This is helping though.

How awful for you. You are incredibly brave and I think you have done the right thing, for you and your children. Children pick up on negative energy and it sounds as if your soon to be ex-DH had plenty of that! You will feel dreadful about it for a fair bit, but I am sure not having someone so negative around will make you and your children happier in the long term. Agree with Aleene that it may be a good idea to confide in a friend so that you have someone close to you for any wobbly moments. Hope things work out for you. xxx

innerstregth, how old are you DC's??

Well done you.....believe me, when I say, you have done the right thing....I wish you every strength - YOU CAN DO THIS xx

Thank you - have just had a little cry as these message have given me so much support this morning. Dc are aged 8,6 and 4. Any idea what we should tell them, when the time comes?

Yes it is a relief in many ways. When I finally yesterday confronted him with hard evidence, he was FURIOUS that I had been snooping - said I should have just left it alone and would be none the wiser. Said he was lying to "protect" me!!!!!

Well, no I do realise snooping is not nice, and I have been doing it for a while but I don't feel bad. I knew he was lying for so long about so many issues, and I just felt I deserved the full truth. There was a fair amount of gaslighting going in - he was making out that I was paranoid, telling me time and time again there was nothing going on etc. I am an incredibly honest person, I can't stand lies, and just wanted the TRUTH.

The children will be able to cope with anything IF they have the truth....maybe a watered down version of the truth though. I think you need to keep saying over and over - 'Both me and Daddy love you to pieces BUT you know when you fall out with your friends - thats just what me and Daddy have done. We still love you and always, always will.' I think just loads of cuddles and re-assurance and just a really rigid routine - imo - children love routine because it makes them feel safe.

Good luck - I will be thinking about you xx

Furious at hard evidence of his cheating and lying? I bet he bloody was! Furious at himself for allowing this to happen and break up his family. You've done the right thing for yourself and for your DC's. At the end of the day, they need to see that women can't be treated like that and you're providing a good role model for the husbands/wives they may one day become.

I'm so pleased for you that you got the truth you needed. Keep that on hand for the days when you feel like weakening and taking him back and seeing if you can 'make it work one last time'. You are better than that.

Today, make sure you get the name of a good solicitor and make contact with them for the financial side of things i.e maintenance payments for your DC's and the distribution of bills etc. If he wants to play it cold, make sure you are equally as cold back. Sometimes its easier to be as cold and detached as possible to keep things civil and to stop your emotions get the better of you. Some days, all you'll want to do is ring him up and scream 'WHY???!!!' down the phone, in an attempt to get him to engage. Don't be surrounded by his belongings. Have them packed up and ready to go by the front door when he next comes round, Ask for his door keys back (so he can't just 'drop in' whenever he feels like it; I'd stop short of changing the locks though, I'm not sure about the legalities surrounding that) and if you've been to see you solicitor by that point, you can have a draft of your finances and things like access visits already drawn up. It will not only show him that you're serious and not going to back down, but it will also keep you going and stop you wanting to back down... if that makes any sense at all!

For your side of things, just because he can't engage and feel the loss of your marriage (because that's really hard to bear), doesn't mean you can't or won't. If you feel like things are getting too much, don't be ashamed to get some help. Ask your GP to refer you for counselling if you need it.

As for what to tell your DC's... well, I've never been in that position with children before, so I would imagine that's a personal thing. Perhaps until you next see your ex-H and agree what you're going to say, keep them at bay with something fairly neutral like 'Daddy has gone away for a few days, but he will be back soon. He still loves you very much, and I still love you very much'. That way, no one can accuse you of being heartless or telling them the wrong thing. You probably need time to get your head around it yourself first before you decide what to tell them.

Hope you are feeling alright Take care.

Innerstrength - have you posted about this before?

I think when one has been gaslighted, there is a moment of relief when it emerges that actually, you weren't going mad and you weren't paranoid. Relief too that one's instincts are very sound and will serve you well in the future.

It is pretty typical to be met with fury at being found out, but this, as with the rest of his behaviour, speaks volumes.

You are of course absolutely right to take this stand. There should be no second chances where a second discovered infidelity is concerned. He saw the hurt once and inflicted it again. No person who does this is worthy of a second chance.

It is good that you are clear-sighted enough to see his other faults and unsuitabilities. That too will help you. You will be able to see that other men are not like this and that actually it is better to be single than in an unhappy relationship with someone like this.

If your resolve wavers at all, remind yourself that he has been emotionally abusing you for a long time. You are absolutely worth more than this.

no, never posted about this before, but do a lot of lurking on relevant threads, and there are a few running with some similarities. Already do have waves of doubt, mostly when I imagine future years of holidays/christmases etc as a single parent. But yes it does say a lot that this is not the first time; I have already done the forgive/forget thing 3 years ago, but things have been far worse between us recently than they ever were then.

I also realise that i am not totally blameless, as the relationship has been very bad between us for a very long time, and the relationship definitely suffered,as they often do, while I focussed on dc for several years. However, I was prepared to make effort, he was not.

You are in fact entirely blameless for his affairs. You had a joint responsibility for your marriage and parenting the children. If there were problems in the marriage, he could have chosen from a vast array of options to sort things out. Instead, he had two affairs, which were of course the worse possible choices.

Do not, under any circumstances, take any blame for his affairs. This is really, really important for your self-esteem. You are not responsible for his choices. He controlled his fidelity, just as you did yours.

I'm sure there have been times when raising his children that you have longed for a bit of escapism from the mundanity and attendant slog. You didn't have an affair though, did you? If you had, you wouldn't be casting the blame in his direction, would you? You'd realise that this was about you and your choices.

No-one is responsible for another's infidelity and don't ever forget that.

My plan for this week is:

1. Stay at home with dc and lick wounds.
2. Have really good clear out of house - out with the old, in with the new.
3. Try and keep positive by focussing on the bigger picture.
4. Buy lovely new underwear - just to make me feel good, and only wear my best outfits.

Next week:

1. Continue as above but talk lots to lovely girlfriends.
2. Start looking for more work/investigate how to increase income.
3. Communicate with dh to discuss kids, finances and what to do now.
4. Stay dignified.
5. Stay positive.

I keep getting stomach cramps and feel shivery. Not ill, I know it is just the shock of it all.

Have now told my best girlfriend. Couldn't stop crying. Feel physically sick and have pain as if I have actually been stabbed in the heart. He used to be such a nice man. I don't know if it was the affair, the alcohol, or his mental illness that turned him into such a horrible monster. Probably a combination of all circumstances.

Well done innerstrength, your plans sound really good!
Try and focus on a time when his 'issues' are no longer your concern and your free from his bullshit. It's great you told your friend because if there are any times when you think 'he wasn't that bad' I'm sure she'll remind you that he was.
Stay positive xx

Innerstrength, I applaud you

They have made a fool of you but no more

The only mistakes you made were to try so hard with someone who clearly was never on the same page

Well, now you can stop. When the worst of the crushing hurt fades, you will feel only relief

Focus on yourself and your children

You were right to snoop...the end justifies the means in this case. What an arrogant, smug, self-entitled twat your husband sounds like.

Good luck and well done x

Joins in applause for innerstrength!

Ahh, there you are AF, thank God you're back! You were missed!

Where have you been then?????

on me jollies, hissy

Big hugs and well done innerstrength!!! I asked my xh to leave ten years ago, then within days it came out that he had been having an affair. I have since remarried etc but I remember all too well the pain. Also I remember the feeling of relief when I woke in the morning and he wasn't there! I kept a diary when it happened and for six months after that, it kept me half sane! The DC's were 7 and 3 at the time and the hardest bit was when they cried for daddy and asked where he was. Thankfully we got through it though and my oldest actually remembers how hard life was before we split and knows that we are both better off now.

We told them at the time that mummy and daddy can't live together anymore and that we loved them very much but we wanted to be better parents to them which could only happen if we were happier. He introduced the gf far earlier than I would have liked and therefore made a complete prick of himself to the kids. They know what he is like (although thankfully he has matured over the years), and they've seen him for what he is without me saying a word to them. We had a rule never to slag him off in front of them, whereas I know he slagged me off - again he was just making himself look like a proper prick!

At that age, I tried to protect them as much as I could from them seeing me upset, but sometimes it was all too much. I know I made DS anxious as he didn't like seeing Mummy crying etc but then it was ultimately daddy's fault for all the things that he did.

Keep strong and the waves of panic to pass, I promise xxxx

brilliant post, PLP

Op...you should tell your kids a child-appropriate version of the truth

but don't lie to protect him, no way

Can't add anything except, well piggin' done. It gives us more weak women inspiration to move on ourselves.

Take good care of yourself and plan some thing that you can look forward to.

PP...you are not weak, but I do wish you would kick your particular twat into touch, lovey x

me too.....the time is coming!

let me know when PP...I will dance a fucking jig around my living room x