have kicked out dh with no heart need support please

[innerstrength]

Thank you for clicking in to read my story. I am by no means ready to talk to ?real life? people about this yet, so this is a step towards that.

Dh has had an affair recently. This is the second time he has had an affair with this woman (first time was 3 years ago when ds was a baby; we worked very very hard to get back on track), then a few months ago it started again with the same woman. I have seen deep outpourings of love to her.

Apparently this time, they officially ended the affair in Jan, as they both knew it was wrong. However, they have continued to text, email and meet up regularly as ?friends? (!! ? even if this is so ? in my book, highly inappropriate, and very likely would only be a matter of time before it hots up again.)

Dh has been suffering from deep work stress for some time, and is on medication for this. He has always had sociopathic tendencies in that he has no emotions about pretty much anything, which has always been difficult. He has been quite horrible to me for a long time, and I have tried as hard as I can to make it work, but he is giving absolutely nothing back. I would also say he was in danger of becoming an alcoholic. He has anger management issues. I would say he is not completely of sane mind at the moment, altho not at all dangerous. (there are many similarities with the other thread on this section about a husband who is emotionally detached.)

So 24 hrs ago, after presenting him with evidence re affair, I told him he cannot live here any more. He just said ?OK? and walked out the front door(!!).

For the next few days I am hoping we will have no contact. Then we need to discuss what to tell the children. I would like them to know the truth, but without any bad mouthing of him (I would never do that), and would only tell them what we both agree. Feel sick and shaky. Was very calm and lovely him not being here this morning, but keep having waves of panic. However, I know that I cannot live another 40 years like this, so what other option did I have?

Well done you - mowing in high heels though sounds a bit painful on your old back? Or maybe not so old!

When I was really struggling to keep my head held high and on positive form during a tough time with H, when I kept worrying that my eyes looked really red, my best friend said to imagine the woman I admired most in the world - was actually her and she probably knew this! - but to imagine her, and pretend in my head I WAS her! To act like she would do.

It worked, I acted my way through several school runs like some confident, self-assured gorgeousness, when I felt inside like I was a crumbling wreck.

You sound so strong, well donex

How are you today Innerstrength?

Hi tea. Not so good today . Thanks for checking up on me. The last two days been very good, as was feeling very empowered. Today just sad and emotional. I do feel I've made big progress though; Last week I needed constant reassurance from my friends that I'd done the right thing. Now I have absolutely no doubts at all, which is good.

Did manage to tell a couple of neighbours without crying, which is also progress.

Dreading this weekend, as he is going to be coming and going a lot to help with kids' activities etc.

Has been quite interesting in terms of human behaviour watching people watch me in playground etc, and how they all deal with whether to say something or not. Actually feel like I should have a fucking sign round my neck at school pick up time, or hold a question and answer session in the village hall!!

((hugs))

Is there no way to have a little more distance/ less involvement with your H? Have some specific boundaries in place to help with the pain on contact with DCs?

I'm not an expert here, as I'm still finding my feet myself with my soon to be Ex H.

Yes, from next week I will do that. But this particular weekend, two of the kids have special events on that we both need to be involved with, which is just very bad timing.

Feel like my brain is functioning at about ten percent. I have to write EVERYTHING down, like an old lady, and even set alarm clocks so I know it's school or nursery pick up time. Can only do one thing at once at the moment (like a fucking MAN), and can only think twenty minutes ahead at a time.

Don't be so hard on yourself! You're doing so so well. You're better than a man!

Are you sleeping better? Still subsisting on Rich Tea Biscuits?

Yes am sleeping slightly better thanks tea - (about 3 hours a night now!!) Plus eating slightly more - comforting things like chicken soup and scrambled egg. Don't feel sick all the time now, but still keep having waves of nervous stomach. Feel like I want someone to wrap me in cotton wool and blankets as if I've been really ill. It's sort of like I am a tiny fragile version of myself.

Have you thought about speaking to your GP for a prescription for sleeping tablets? Just to get you through this stage? Some more sleep would really help you to feel so much better

Oh Innerstrength wish I could do something to help in real life

Tea you ARE helping so so much. This IS real life. I am real and you are real.

Going to bed now to stare at the ceiling for 8 hours. Night night. Thanks for being a good friend.

I used to take Rescue remedy night and lavendar baths in an effort to relax. But think for you something more heavy duty maybe necessary

I really do hope tonight you get a teeny bit more than 3 hours sleep x

He arrived this morning to help with dc activities. He STANK of morning after alcohol smell (this is normal), and looked dirty (definitely had not had shower.) I was physically REPULSED by him, and had to open the window after they'd left.

I even wanted to clean the toilet after he'd used it. Thank God I'm rid of this screwed up dishonest fucker.

This evening I noticed he'd eaten some cold baked beans that were in the fridge. I thought 'buy your own baked beans you loser'

Cannot believe I did not kick this loser out months, or even years ago.

A lovely friend came round with massive bunch of flowers for me. As we were standing on doorstep, the loser appeared back with something dc had left in his car. The (mutual) friend did not look at him or acknowledge him. Hope he feels the shame he should.

Hello IS. It's bot surprising you feel like you've been ill. A big emotional shock does take its toll on the body. Do treat yourself with extra kindness.

I'm glad your friend did demonstrate her lack of repect for your H. It's a shame you have to be around him this weekend. How is that going?

Thinking of you IS .These are tough days for you but I guess we know when we see them "It was wrong and that's why they are gone !"
Look after yourself you are doing a great job,cry when you need to and smile when you can ,so glad you have lovely friends x

Have been thinking of you IS, hope the activities this weekend have gone as smoothly as possible. I suspect he will manage to make himself look like a prize prick (well, I hope so anyway!). I totally know what you mean about being repulsed by him - I look at xh now and it makes my skin crawl to think I used to sleep in the same bed as him, I don't find him in the least bit attractive and wonder how I ever did!

So pleased your friend ignored him, he doesn't deserve any respect at all, he has torn your family apart and he must have known this would be the result.

Try eating a little bit more, the sicky feeling will come and go but you need to keep your strength up. Can you manage toast? I used to live on that just to keep something in my tummy. Hope you're sleeping a little more too...

PLP xxx

Hi IS how was your weekend ?

Completely exhausted - yesterday was one of the most stressful days of my life. I had thought that DH will probably get worse, before he gets better, and that is clearly what is happening.

I was out all day at a special kids event with one of DC. He was due to meet us there with other DC. They arrived and it became immediately apparent that he was WRECKED. Completely drunk off his face and he had DRIVEN the other DC across the City to get there. He was behaving in a manic and erratic way. I spent the next hour in a state of extreme stress trying to piece together a plan of how I could get DC home safely, whilst I remained at event which I was helping organise, which was very special for one of our children.

Even though I have known for very long time that he has serious alcohol problem, I have never known him drink in the day before, and certainly not put children in any danger.

Thank the lord, my in-laws were also at event, so between us we came up with a plan for them to transport kids. I knew there would be no point confronting him as he would deny point blank that he had been drinking.

Later, his Dad DID confront him. I received two texts from him (dh)saying 'no I have NOT been bloody drinking - how dare you!' His Dad also found 3 bottles of vodka in the back of his car.

Today my neighbour confirmed that she had spoken to him in the morning yesterday, and he was quite clearly hammered.

I feel like things have gone to another level now, and it is quite scary. Frankly he is insane.

Oh IS, well done for keeping it together and I'm glad to hear his dad confronted him and it wasn't left to you. He really is making matters worse for himself isn't he! At least now, he isn't your problem and you can concentrate on yourself and the DC's without him dragging you down. While I suspected (and I admit hoped), he would make a prick of himself, I'm sad that this added to the stress of the day. Hopefully DC's didn't notice too much and they managed to enjoy the specialness of the day as planned?

Hang on in there IS, you really are amazing and I take my hat off to you xxx

IS...are you going to allow him to have unsupervised access to your children again after that incident ?

Oh that's awful Innerstrength, I don't think you can allow him to drive your kids places until he sorts himself out IMO. Short of breathalising (sp?) him everytime, which isn't obviously forseeable.

You're an amazing woman! Are his parents being supportive of your decision?

I am not sure what to do. I absolutely do not want things to turn really nasty, and I think I need to act very carefully.

We haven't arranged next contact; When he asks to see them next, I think probably the best thing is to suggest he comes over here one evening and I will pretend to go to "work", just for an hour or so,so he can do story and bed time in safety of own house.

I don't feel comfortable with him taking them anywhere else until I have reassessed how his behaviour develops over the next couple of days. His parents will help with this; they have been utterly brilliant, and he is currently staying with them (no sign of going to OW yet.)

I can identify with this IS my H went on a complete bender when he left(months)I found ALANON a great help in the early days, not for everyone, but a room full off people that had "all been there" gave me genuine support,even a phonecall can help .i found people that knew what it was like to live with a drinker and i saw how i tried to keep fixing things to save our wee family from getting split up .I had to protect my dcs from Hs drinking and the thought of him Drink driving terrified me,stay strong ,set boundaries and look after you and your dcs.So glad you have back up from inlaws x