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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

have kicked out dh with no heart need support please

202 replies

innerstrength · 10/06/2010 09:45

Thank you for clicking in to read my story. I am by no means ready to talk to ?real life? people about this yet, so this is a step towards that.

Dh has had an affair recently. This is the second time he has had an affair with this woman (first time was 3 years ago when ds was a baby; we worked very very hard to get back on track), then a few months ago it started again with the same woman. I have seen deep outpourings of love to her.

Apparently this time, they officially ended the affair in Jan, as they both knew it was wrong. However, they have continued to text, email and meet up regularly as ?friends? (!! ? even if this is so ? in my book, highly inappropriate, and very likely would only be a matter of time before it hots up again.)

Dh has been suffering from deep work stress for some time, and is on medication for this. He has always had sociopathic tendencies in that he has no emotions about pretty much anything, which has always been difficult. He has been quite horrible to me for a long time, and I have tried as hard as I can to make it work, but he is giving absolutely nothing back. I would also say he was in danger of becoming an alcoholic. He has anger management issues. I would say he is not completely of sane mind at the moment, altho not at all dangerous. (there are many similarities with the other thread on this section about a husband who is emotionally detached.)

So 24 hrs ago, after presenting him with evidence re affair, I told him he cannot live here any more. He just said ?OK? and walked out the front door(!!).

For the next few days I am hoping we will have no contact. Then we need to discuss what to tell the children. I would like them to know the truth, but without any bad mouthing of him (I would never do that), and would only tell them what we both agree. Feel sick and shaky. Was very calm and lovely him not being here this morning, but keep having waves of panic. However, I know that I cannot live another 40 years like this, so what other option did I have?

OP posts:
maybees · 13/06/2010 23:06

Aye ,sounds like he's got a copy of the twunt manual alright !Just keep posting you will get lots of support here x

PurpleLostPrincess · 14/06/2010 00:32

Well he's shown himself for the twat that he is then! I wonder if he said anything to DC at all, do you think they asked?

To be honest, he's had his chance to respond about what to tell the kids and hasn't taken the opportunity to do it like a grown up and together. So I wouldn't give him any more chances if it were me. In a way, it's empowering as you can make sure it's put across the way you want it to be, rather than having any disagreements or him coming out with something you haven't agreed to (my xh used to do that all the time). I hope he's totally ashamed of himself... I'm angry for you but totally pleased that tonight didn't turn into a row as that is the last thing you need.

Hope you manage to get some sleep tonight IS, hugs xxxx

teaandcakeplease · 14/06/2010 11:08

My H used to get himself into debt and not tell me and then I found a bag with loads of unopened letters in. What is it about all these men!

Tell the DCs a version you're comfortable with and start looking into divorce tbh. It takes many many months, you might as well start to look into it. Know what you're entitled to and what to expect, arm yourself with the facts.

Did you sleep ok?

PurpleLostPrincess · 14/06/2010 20:06

How was your day IS? Been thinking of you xx

Original poster
innerstrength · 14/06/2010 22:03

This is officially the worst day of my life. The children now know, both sets of parents know, I am starting to tell friends, and my next door neighbour has just been round to listen while I sobbed and sobbed. There is no going back.

He sent a text this morning saying 'please do not destroy our children's lives until we have at least spoken' Then he called. We had a very upsetting, but calm conversation. I asked if he was happy if I told the kids on my own then. He said yes. I told him what i planned to say and he agreed. He said he was in love with ow but he has tried hard not to be, and he still loves me. I said obviously not enough though. He said no.

Then his parents came over. They are horrified at what he has become - I told them EVERYTHING (He has only given them very bare bones). They were very supportive offering practical help, money etc.

So after school I told kids. I kept it incredibly light, upbeat and positive; ie nothing is going to change AT ALL here, other than the fact that Daddy won't be sleeping here every night. They were brilliant, took it on board at face value, and there were lots of smiles. Then we had popcorn and talked about a few fun things we've got coming up. I haven't cried in front of the big ones, only the little one when others at school.

Then I put them all to bed in the most upbeat fun way I could. Then I came downstairs and went to tell my lovely neighbour and sobbed and sobbed.

Please tell me I have done the right thing. Please tell me this will get better.
This is the worst day of my life.

OP posts:
maybees · 14/06/2010 22:20

You are so brave ,this rawness will pass, you have done so well today ,big hugs to you and your kids, you will come thru this ,i am so glad you have RL support ,so glad you ate some popcorn xxxxx

maybees · 14/06/2010 22:20

You are so brave ,this rawness will pass, you have done so well today ,big hugs to you and your kids, you will come thru this ,i am so glad you have RL support ,so glad you ate some popcorn xxxxx

Original poster
innerstrength · 14/06/2010 22:28

Thank you. I actually feel like I am in a living nightmare. I can't believe this is happening.

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PurpleLostPrincess · 14/06/2010 22:32

Oh IS, bless you! Well done for staying upbeat with the DC's and getting this awful bit out of the way - I promise as the days and weeks go by, it will get easier. But for now, just take it day by day or even hour by hour. You can build a new life without him, and you may even find it's a better life, even if you don't want it right now.

You deserve so much better than to be treated the way you have been - after all that has happened, I can't believe he had the gall to say that, he clearly has no shame .

I'm glad his parents know, it's important that all the people supporting you and the DC's know all the facts. Is he the sort to twist things? My xh was terrible at twisting things and trying to make me look like the bitch, until I found the strength to make sure that people had all the facts. It's not a case of taking sides, more to do with keeping truthful, especially in the interests of the DC's - they still need their GP's on both sides and shouldn't lose out just because of his disgusting behaviour. I'm not saying you should slag him off (in fact, not a good idea), just that you shouldn't be in a position where you're covering for him.

Well done IS, maybe you'll get some sleep tonight? I'm also pleased to hear you ate some popcorn

AnyFucker · 14/06/2010 22:34

You poor, poor thing

He is an exceptionally weak man and you sound exceptionally strong x

Original poster
innerstrength · 14/06/2010 22:35

I didn't eat any popcorn. DC did. I can only eat yoghurt and rich tea biscuits at the moment.

No, I don't think he will twist anything. He knows full well what he has done; on the phone he thanked me several times for what I was saying ie I said that I would not bad mouth him, I would not tell dc about OW unless they ask, in which case I will answer questions honestly etc etc. He knows I live my life by truth and honour, and I always have done, and always will.

OP posts:
Original poster
innerstrength · 14/06/2010 22:38

I feel like I am wondering around my house in a nightmare. I miss him so much it is like I've been stabbed in the heart. But I know I miss the old him, not the horrible man he became. I've done the right thing haven't I?

This is the worst day of my life I can't stop crying and crying and crying

OP posts:
AnyFucker · 14/06/2010 22:38

What a stupid bastard he is to throw your lives away like this

maybees · 14/06/2010 22:47

Yogurt and tea biscuits is fab ,
I would never of believed that my h was capable of such immature,selfish inconsiderate behaviour to me and my dcs,I was in shock for a long time ,be kind to yourself,you are doin great xxx

Original poster
innerstrength · 14/06/2010 22:49

Do you think I've done the right thing? It was beyond repair wasn't it?

OP posts:
blinder · 14/06/2010 22:51

Innerstrength you have done the right thing. You are bound to grieve. Even when it's the right decision it's a massive loss, of the life you had and the life you expected to have.

Your children are lucky to have such a loving and gentle mother. You, and they, will be fine.

I hope your heart heals quickly and that you soon have the happiness you deserve.

MrsJellicle · 14/06/2010 22:53

Well done innerstrength for handling this terrible situation with such dignity and yes, true inner strength. What a wonderful mum you are too, for handling things so amazingly well with your dcs.

I feel very sorry for you and my heart goes out to you tonight.

PurpleLostPrincess · 14/06/2010 22:54

Yes, you have done the right thing IS, keep telling yourself that.

Yoghurts and biscuits is good, anything to keep your strength up.

Glad to hear he is at least 'supporting' you as far as telling the DC's and that he's not the twisting type, that really is a relief!

You sound like such a lovely person - you deserve so much better than what he's done to you. You will get through this, just take it bit by bit, step by step. There's nothing wrong with crying, really there isn't (((hugs)))

blinder · 14/06/2010 22:57

Something like this is only reparable if both people work very hard for a long time. I think you already know that your H wasn't going to do that. And you couldn't possibly fix it by yourself. Relationships need commitment from both or they fail.

You could have pretended to tolerate it but that would likely have destroyed you and the kids.

You have done the right thing, because it was the only thing you could do.

MrsJellicle · 14/06/2010 23:00

And yes, you have done the right thing and remember - you are not the one responsible for bringing about this situation - he is.

Original poster
innerstrength · 14/06/2010 23:01

Thank you. This thread has given me so much support I don't know how I would have coped without it the last few days. I am very lucky to have several lovely girlfriends who I know I will really need now, but I will still need this too late at night or when I really can't bother RL friends. You are all brilliant for reading all this, and sending me such lovely messages when you've never even met me! I wish you all much happiness.

It does actually feel like he has died, the grief is so so unbearable. I just can't stop sobbing and can't believe it is really and truly over. I feel such deep deep sadness through to every depth of my inner soul.

OP posts:
AnyFucker · 14/06/2010 23:04

I hope you get some restful sleep tonight, IS

blinder · 14/06/2010 23:08

You are doing the right thing to cry and cry. You will burn through it quicker that way. You've been so strong and tried so hard to make it work. All the pain has probably been stored up for when you finally and completely let go.

You won't always feel like this but for now just let yourself feel whatever emotions come. Grieving and letting go are the same thing.

Original poster
innerstrength · 14/06/2010 23:11

Tomorrow I will tell a couple more people and deal with some of the financial stuff.

Had been very very worried about the money side but went on gov website and found out that I will now qualify for all kinds of benefits and will be quids in!! So at least that is less stress with that side of things.

This is shit shit shit. I miss him so desperately why did he change so much beyond all recognition to what he once was why why?

OP posts:
Original poster
innerstrength · 14/06/2010 23:14

Yes I will cry and cry. One thing I'm very very good at is talking about feelings and showing them. And crying when I need to. He is complete opposite, never talks about feelings (if he even has any) and keeps it all bottled up. I think he will be very screwed up for a very long time about this, and (hopefully) I will have moved forward way before him.

OP posts: