have kicked out dh with no heart need support please

[innerstrength]

Thank you for clicking in to read my story. I am by no means ready to talk to ?real life? people about this yet, so this is a step towards that.

Dh has had an affair recently. This is the second time he has had an affair with this woman (first time was 3 years ago when ds was a baby; we worked very very hard to get back on track), then a few months ago it started again with the same woman. I have seen deep outpourings of love to her.

Apparently this time, they officially ended the affair in Jan, as they both knew it was wrong. However, they have continued to text, email and meet up regularly as ?friends? (!! ? even if this is so ? in my book, highly inappropriate, and very likely would only be a matter of time before it hots up again.)

Dh has been suffering from deep work stress for some time, and is on medication for this. He has always had sociopathic tendencies in that he has no emotions about pretty much anything, which has always been difficult. He has been quite horrible to me for a long time, and I have tried as hard as I can to make it work, but he is giving absolutely nothing back. I would also say he was in danger of becoming an alcoholic. He has anger management issues. I would say he is not completely of sane mind at the moment, altho not at all dangerous. (there are many similarities with the other thread on this section about a husband who is emotionally detached.)

So 24 hrs ago, after presenting him with evidence re affair, I told him he cannot live here any more. He just said ?OK? and walked out the front door(!!).

For the next few days I am hoping we will have no contact. Then we need to discuss what to tell the children. I would like them to know the truth, but without any bad mouthing of him (I would never do that), and would only tell them what we both agree. Feel sick and shaky. Was very calm and lovely him not being here this morning, but keep having waves of panic. However, I know that I cannot live another 40 years like this, so what other option did I have?

hey you can dance in mine if you like!!

if you were near me, PP, I would, believe me

Hello inner strength. My H and I separated 6 months ago approx due to affair and I am now happier than I have been for a long time and very content and actually like living alone with my 2 small DCs!

It will get better, well done for kicking him out!

I am having counseling which I'm finding very healing. That maybe something worth considering in due course?

hey there, tea, it cheers me to see you post with such positive vibes x

wahey op!! you are a strong lady. v strong indeed.

Thanks AF!

What I meant to say earlier too, was that the diary really helped me to keep sane, but it also helped as evidence when xh was done for harassment...! I used to think that one day I would show it to DC's so they could see what really happened and what their dad was really like back then, but the more time goes by, the more I think it's pointless. As long as they know you both love them, they will be fine xxx

Thanks everyone. I have spent the last hour painting white gloss onto wardrobe door in one of the bedrooms. A job that any woman can do as good as a man innit?

Your posts have given me hope. I have no idea where dh is, and if ow is still in the picture or not. He collected clothes and his mental pills when I was out for ten mins yesterday, other than that we have had no contact. He also took a sleeping bag.

I feel physically sick when I remember the words in the email I saw from him to her - the outpouring of love he wrote to her gets me in the gut.

I'm afraid I also sent one text to ow earlier, just saying I had seen their correspondence and she has no idea what she has now destroyed. I'm afraid I couldn't stop myself. (I sent one similar contact to her when I found out 3 years ago.) I am not planning on having any other communication with her, and will maintain dignity.

Ah, let rip. He's a lost cause, I'd say, but maybe, just maybe, she still has a shred of conscience left somewhere in her rotten soul.

One text is allowed

She shouldn't get off scot-free either, tbh, she knew what she was helping to destroy

I wish a plague of crabs on her

After they have chewed his nuts off, of course

AF what would you consider a child friendly version of the truth, for when the time comes?

IS, I would tell them something along the lines of what PLP said

mummy and daddy can't live together any more, but they still love them just as much

I wouldn't tell them straight out about the OW, but if they ask a straight question, give them a straight answer

when the children visit/stay overnight (gnashes teeth), you want them to feel secure and happy so you cannot slag the pair of them off as homewreckers, but you can make it clear where the fault lies, IYSWIM

I can't even think about the children visiting him yet! But will be gnashing yes when the time comes - at the moment I don't even know where he is, or if it is still on with ow or not. Bit unclear about how I can make it clear where the fault lies, without any bad mouthing etc.

sorry to put that thought in your head (about visiting) x

honest answers to questions is the key, I think

IS, I remember literally saying that mummy and daddy don't love each other any more but that we still love DC's very much and that daddy has found another lady to love (this was soooooo hard to say but somehow I managed it). I had to tell them that daddy would be happy with her and again reinforce that daddy still loved them very much and that he could be a better daddy and I could be a better mummy this way. It is of course up to you how you do it but there has to be as much truth as is possible without hurting them further iyswim...

I vaguely remember then calmly going to the bathroom and having a cry to myself as it hurt so much to say, kind of a realisation that it really had happened. A few times we all cried together (well DD1 was too little but DS and I did).

If you ever waiver about your decision or wonder if you should try again PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE shout up - I will be happy to bring my klaxon along and my big gob I have been married 32 years and, without going into any detail, I am so proud that you have made a stand and I admire your strength - LOL xxxxx

My H has mental ishoos and hasn't wanted or offered to have the kids overnight, as he cannot cope looking after them. Tells me he cannot be what I need him to be? Thank God for me. I know when they're older and if he is in a more mentally stable place I may finally have to do it, which will involve much nashing of teeth and hurt. I almost want to hold my DCs closer to me since the pain of the betrayal.

My 2 DCs are so very young, I haven't been able to do that talk. All they know is he doesn't live with us anymore but loves them. My DD wasn't talking very well yet when we separated.

Eitherway it's a hard path to walk but it does get easier. My DCs are more happy and secure now their father doesn't live with us, as he was so often depressed/ moody when home.

My house is a haven of peace now, no treading on egg shells etc. I sleep so well at night now, not wondering where he is, who he's with, if he's telling me the truth etc.

I don't plan to talk about whose fault it is personally, unless the children are much much older and ask me. I do plan to write a sort of journal, outlining events before I forget though. More for my own memory IYSWIM? I did tell H though that if he ever told the children I instigated the divorce, I would tell them the truth on everything he did Not sure if that's normal or fair but that's where I'm at?

You're doing great Innerstrength, at your stage I did just enough to get by and the children lived off convenience foods and CBeebies

My husband was brought up like the boy in the film Kes - dont know if anyone remembers that.....really, really barbaric upbringing. That is no excuse for his behaviour BUT his crappy parents have ruined a wonderful man. He parents how they parented him. I have to step in constantly xx

Morning if anyone still reading. Didn't sleep much and still feel nauseous all the time.

Tea and cake - I identify completely with your tale of treading on egg shells depending on what mood he was in, and constantly wondering if he is telling me the truth. That has been going on for many months; probably a couple of years actually.

And yes I already have doubts, although, seeing the bigger picture, how on earth could I ever trust him again? This is the hardest thing I have ever been through, and I am only on day two.

Morning, IS

I am still reading, but only for 5 mins before I head off to work

I am sorry you are feeling so bad. This is a hard. hard road but you will get there.

Tea is an inspiration...if you read some of her early threads it is astonishing how resilient us women can be !

Same here, just popping in before school run to see how you are. fwiw, I remember when he was still home, I would wake up and wonder what my day would be like as it always depended on what mood he was in. He had a cannabis problem too and if he was running low he was like a monster . Anyway, after the initial few weeks, I ended up sleeping better than I had ever slept before and even stopped biting my nails as I wasn't such a wreck anymore. Hang on in there hun - you are a swan, beautiful and calm above the surface but kicking hard below... xx

I cried more for the loss of a dream. I always wanted to get married, have children and bring them up in a stable, loving family. My biggest crying was over the children. BUT in retrospect as the months have gone by, I've realised it's better for them this way. Living in a marriage which has a lot of undercurrents of emotion, conflict etc is more damaging to them. As I said earlier, they're happier now and so am I. Which I never thought would be possible in October.

Sending you a ((hug)) Innerstrength, don't expect too much of yourself right now, the pain/ loss can almost go through similar stages to the grief cycle: Denial, anger, bargaining etc. You will come out the otherside, just put one foot in front of the other right now and eat chocolate Lots of it!

I still maintain looking at counseling in due course

I'm sure us mumsnetters will be around so keep updating your thread but do speak to people in RL too (glad you told your good friend). In a way I felt shame when telling people in RL, even though I had no reason to. I did keep the most sordid details to myself but told people the minimum on affair and marriage over. I got more support and kindness than I expected and it was a great source of strength to me in the early days. So don't walk alone in this x

Thanks for checking in. I am getting more support from you all than you could ever imagine. Praise to mumsnet.

My RL friend will call me later this am. I am not ready to tell anyone other than my two best friends at the moment. Unfortunately they both live a long way away. Does not feel right to tell anyone else until at least the dc know, and I do not feel ready to do that, and anyway would not until I have had contact with HIM and we have agreed what to say.

Teaandcake - I know what you mean about the shame. I feel exactly the same way when I think about telling everyone, and the gossip that will go round, but of course it is not logical - I know I have nothing to be ashamed of. Am very worried about gossip in the village and my kids getting to hear things at school etc.

Feel completely exhausted.

That's good. Do you not have a good friend closer to you for support?

I'm not very familiar on villages and how things can be, as I live in a town but I hope that actually the few good neighbours/ friends you tell over time, will actually be trustworthy and supportive. Mine certainly were, used to get bags of shopping and general food parcels from kind caring people

Yes do have friends close by that I trust, but not ready to tell them yet. I think making it public sort of makes it more real, iykwim, and at the moment I just feel so shell shocked and grief stricken I'm not ready for that.

Couldn't stop crying all afternoon.