have kicked out dh with no heart need support please

[innerstrength]

Thank you for clicking in to read my story. I am by no means ready to talk to ?real life? people about this yet, so this is a step towards that.

Dh has had an affair recently. This is the second time he has had an affair with this woman (first time was 3 years ago when ds was a baby; we worked very very hard to get back on track), then a few months ago it started again with the same woman. I have seen deep outpourings of love to her.

Apparently this time, they officially ended the affair in Jan, as they both knew it was wrong. However, they have continued to text, email and meet up regularly as ?friends? (!! ? even if this is so ? in my book, highly inappropriate, and very likely would only be a matter of time before it hots up again.)

Dh has been suffering from deep work stress for some time, and is on medication for this. He has always had sociopathic tendencies in that he has no emotions about pretty much anything, which has always been difficult. He has been quite horrible to me for a long time, and I have tried as hard as I can to make it work, but he is giving absolutely nothing back. I would also say he was in danger of becoming an alcoholic. He has anger management issues. I would say he is not completely of sane mind at the moment, altho not at all dangerous. (there are many similarities with the other thread on this section about a husband who is emotionally detached.)

So 24 hrs ago, after presenting him with evidence re affair, I told him he cannot live here any more. He just said ?OK? and walked out the front door(!!).

For the next few days I am hoping we will have no contact. Then we need to discuss what to tell the children. I would like them to know the truth, but without any bad mouthing of him (I would never do that), and would only tell them what we both agree. Feel sick and shaky. Was very calm and lovely him not being here this morning, but keep having waves of panic. However, I know that I cannot live another 40 years like this, so what other option did I have?

You don't have to tell everyone immediately, it's too raw right now. School and close trusted friend or two is enough for now.

But being honest with the DCs is good.

No, no going back to be honest, you can't, not to him. No matter how much you'd like your children to grow up in a 2 parent family, this set up would cause them far more damage and what about you in this situation? Being taken for granted, cheated on, lied to, lying awake at night wondering where he is, treading on egg shells? You deserve far more and the message we send to our children when we sell ourselves short by accepting far far less than we should, can have a profound impact in how they see themselves as adults and their expectations from relationships.

You do your children no favours by perpetuating a situation in which their father figure is unrealiable and dishonest.

At the least, they will understand that their mother values herself too highly to be treated poorly, and this is a far greater example to set for them.

This last bit was written on my thread many months ago and was what finally made me have the courage to realise I needed to let go.

thank you tea. You have given me wise words over the last couple of days.

When I do start telling people, I think I actually will want to tell everyone; I am starting to just want to get that hideous bit over with; I can't move on with anything until everyone knows. I just feel like I have got the worst bit to come, for some reason. Once everyone knows, Things can move forward, however upset I am.

Far wiser people on MN than me

WhenwillIfeelnormal's post on Fri 11-Jun-10 16:29 still has a lot of sense in it and she's right.

Today has just been hideous. Kids have been grotty, and I have just been shouting at them. Have absolutely no patience as I now haven't ate or slept for 3 days.

Then when I shout at them they cry and say - I want Daddy - and tell me I'm horrible. Daddy is obviously best thing since sliced bread.

I just feel like telling them that Daddy is a lying cheating pig.

Keep having to go upstairs to sob and sob.

Can a family member or a friend come and stay with you? Or can you go and stay with someone else? Just until the storm calms?

You need to talk to DCs and explain a little, being sad is ok but transferred anger through a lack of patience/ tolerance when they do not understand what is going on, is harder for them imo. You don't need your H to tell you what to say, just keep it simple?

My DD still asks for daddy when I'm having a bad day and we've been separated over 6 months. It hurts but do not accept any resposibility for this or blame, he chose to walk this path not you. You just do your best and hug them lots.

You need to eat! Keep it basic, soup or beans on toast but you must eat and drink. Try and have a bath tonight and a stiff drink to help you nod off. Your struggles today are also probably related to the lack of sleep.

You need to have your mum or dad or a good friend to stay though or go and stay at a friends if possible, just until you get through this difficult stage.

Can you do something nice tomorrow? Go to a park with those paddling pool/ fountain things and take a picnic? Or maybe a children's farm or something? Or visit a favourite friend with DCs of similar age and just get out? Or the seaside maybe eat ice cream and chips? (not together of course )

May do them and you more good than being indoors. Take your mind off it all a little?

I'm now getting to the stage of feeling liberated now and plan lovely things with DCs. My H never wanted to go anywhere or do anything apart from his Wii or TV tbh. It was hard to get him enthusiastic about anything. I love the fact I can now go off and do lovely lovely things whenever I like.

If you do not have the strength right now, that's ok too though x

How are you feeling today? Did you get any sleep last night?

I totally agree with everything tea said xxx

thanks for checking purple. No still can't eat or sleep much. He is coming over later to give one of kids a lift somewhere. He did not reply to my message asking him what he wants to tell dc. I have just texted him again to ask him if he wants to be with me when we tell them cos I can't hold out much longer.

OK, be prepared for him to turn on the sympathy vote - he's likely to try and get into your head but keep strong hunny, you're doing so well... If you don't get a direct answer about telling the kids, you may have to take it into your own hands... xx

Ok - he replied - he said we will talk about it later when he comes over. and he said he misses them so much he feels physically sick.

I replied saying I feel physically sick and shakey and shivery all the time, I haven't eaten or slept since Wed, I have never felt such grief, and I keep having to go outside to sob, and I feel like I've been stabbed in the heart.

I miss him so much it hurts so much. I want him to come back and I want everything normal. Feel sick. Crying again now.

Oh dear IS, I think you're going to cave in to this manipulative excuse for a H. You're showing him great chinks in your armour by telling him how dreadful you feel and really, you should stop texting him.

Please stand strong, he's bad for you. He cannot and should not be forgiven a second time.

I know what you are saying wwifn; I will stop texting. Have no idea how I can hold it together when he comes over later.

There's an imbalance of power already in what you are disclosing to eachother in these texts. He is saying he misses the kids and feels dreadful. You are saying you feel dreadful about him and your loss. Can you see the difference?

I don't under-estimate how hard this is going to be tonight, but what might really help you is if you spend some of this afternoon finding your anger again. Anger that he gaslighted you and convinced you that you were going mad, anger that he saw your hurt once and then did it again, with the same woman no less. And angry that instead of making a sincere apology and showing you at least some belated respect, his response on discovery was to blame you for snooping.

Every time you feel in danger of falling for the "woe is me" lines he will trot out tonight, look away from his puppy dog eyes and tell yourself - this man is a bastard and for my own mental health, I've got to detach from him.

IS...please do not comfort him/allow him to comfort you when he comes over today

He cannot be the person you turn to.

He is no longer that person.

I am feeling very strongly you are going to just collapse into him.

Could you have someone there when you see him? Please? Just to keep a sensible lid on your heightened emotions ?

I feel a little sick in the pit of my stomach that you are nowhere near strong enough to hold on to your dignity and your self-respect.

Please prove me wrong because if you allow him back into cosy family life once more, this will be your life. For good. No respite. No peace of mind. Wrecking your head over one (deceitful) man.

This man isn't a deity, a God, in possession of a Golden Dick. He has dipped it elsewhere, and not saved it for you alone. What is so fucking fantastic about this one man you would throw away your self-respect ? No one person should have the power to make another do that. It is in your power to stop him. Remember that.

No way I can have anyone else here tonight. Noone else local knows yet. I know I need to make the decision based on the situation NOW, not what once was, and not what may or may not be in the future. He has changed beyond all recognition from the man he was a few years ago. I also know I have given the fucker chance after chance after chance.

I feel like I am living in a nightmare. Can't stop sobbing today. Feel completely shattered on every level possible.

OK. Right. I have read an article about Yvonne Keating. I did some Karate punches into the mirror. Will repeat both these actions intermittently over the next couple of hours.

You sound absolutely lovely and you don't deserve this.

He has made his choice (clearly and repeatedly)

Now it stops for you. You can do it.

< holds up punchbag and gets biffed around by IS >

Read the whole thread again before tonight Innerstrength.

You can do this. Be strong and do not allow him back into your life.

How are you feeling inner strength,big hugs to you honey.I could only manage the odd bowl of sugar puffs when h first left.Just felt like my heart had been ripped out even though situation had become completely untenable.The shock of us living without h floored me on many a day,but i always knew that our marriage had become a disaster zone and each new day you will discover a new depth of courage and strength .I was always at my weakest when i had to see him,at the start that wasnt very often but i could start to grow when i had time on my own.Just stay true to yourself,this is the hardest road i have ever walked ,its all been growth and repair but i know i would never have been happy in my life if it had remained the same.My self esteem has had a mighty boot up the backside and i will be a better role model to my kids now.Take care of yourself ,this is really important while you are going thru this.Eating will help your patience with dcs try ur best to keep your strength up .Have a lovely bath if you can at night try some lavender for calmness.Dont know if rescue remedies work for you but might just take the edge off a little.FWIW i posted alot on MN and it helped me so much .Kindest people to me at a hugely emotional time and more supportive than my RL friends.Writing it all down helped me to get it out and start to heal.Big hugs x

hope you are ok, IS

Well basically - he came to pick up ds for arranged activity. I had sent several texts today asking him what he thinks we should tell dc - he just said in text we'll talk about it later.

Then when he brought ds back, he just whizzed off in car - did not even come in!! Has not been in touch since and that was hours ago!

I sent another text, saying - Do you want me to tell the dc without you then? That was about 3 hours ago and he has not replied.

Basically, he is burying head in sand and will not face the issue, as he does with everything (classic example is the letters from banks which he NEVER EVEN OPENS) despite being in massive spiralling debt.

I am deliberately not telephoning him, as then could get sucked into upsetting conversation; I feel here much safer to text or email, then it can be kept exactly to the point.

I feel a bit relieved, tbh

I was imagining all sorts of emotional reunions

Sorry about that < slaps self >

OK, he has given you a message here

Keep all communications purely factual

It seems he would rather you made the big decisions (coward that he is....)

Well fine, then it is under your control

He is weak...you are strong

Yes that has always been the way. He has always had big problems with burying head in sand about EVERYTHING. I would rather face things full frontal and get it over with. However hard - you can't pretend it's not happening can you? Otherwise problem still there of course! At some point tomorrow, I may send message saying - if I don't hear from you by such and such time - I will tell dc solo. Will see how I feel in the am.

Keep in touch, IS

You sound great x

I love it when a woman takes control and gets out of a destructive relationship!

BRAVO!