have kicked out dh with no heart need support please

[innerstrength]

Thank you for clicking in to read my story. I am by no means ready to talk to ?real life? people about this yet, so this is a step towards that.

Dh has had an affair recently. This is the second time he has had an affair with this woman (first time was 3 years ago when ds was a baby; we worked very very hard to get back on track), then a few months ago it started again with the same woman. I have seen deep outpourings of love to her.

Apparently this time, they officially ended the affair in Jan, as they both knew it was wrong. However, they have continued to text, email and meet up regularly as ?friends? (!! ? even if this is so ? in my book, highly inappropriate, and very likely would only be a matter of time before it hots up again.)

Dh has been suffering from deep work stress for some time, and is on medication for this. He has always had sociopathic tendencies in that he has no emotions about pretty much anything, which has always been difficult. He has been quite horrible to me for a long time, and I have tried as hard as I can to make it work, but he is giving absolutely nothing back. I would also say he was in danger of becoming an alcoholic. He has anger management issues. I would say he is not completely of sane mind at the moment, altho not at all dangerous. (there are many similarities with the other thread on this section about a husband who is emotionally detached.)

So 24 hrs ago, after presenting him with evidence re affair, I told him he cannot live here any more. He just said ?OK? and walked out the front door(!!).

For the next few days I am hoping we will have no contact. Then we need to discuss what to tell the children. I would like them to know the truth, but without any bad mouthing of him (I would never do that), and would only tell them what we both agree. Feel sick and shaky. Was very calm and lovely him not being here this morning, but keep having waves of panic. However, I know that I cannot live another 40 years like this, so what other option did I have?

I can identify with this IS my H went on a complete bender when he left(months)I found ALANON a great help in the early days, not for everyone, but a room full off people that had "all been there" gave me genuine support,even a phonecall can help .i found people that knew what it was like to live with a drinker and i saw how i tried to keep fixing things to save our wee family from getting split up .I had to protect my dcs from Hs drinking and the thought of him Drink driving terrified me,stay strong ,set boundaries and look after you and your dcs.So glad you have back up from inlaws x

Good idea to stay in house but out of the way while he puts them to bed etc. For some reason I hadn't even thought of doing that. Probably because I don't like going within 100 feet of the fucker.

Right. He is coming over tonight to put kids to bed. I will stay in house but out of the way doing paperwork or something. I will be assessing his behaviour.

Apparently he's hinted to his sister that our split may not be permanent, and he is giving me a few weeks to 'calm down'.

I am flabberghasted. He can take a running jump. Would I really go through the stress and trauma of telling the children, and everyone I know, if this wasn't permanent??!!!

I'm starting to sort out money stuff today.

Down with all men the fuckers.

Not all men, love

Just your (ex) fucker

The nerve of the man..."giving you a few weeks to calm down"

Patronising twat !

Just make really, really sure his deluded optimism doesn't come to fruition

It does seem that after the initial anger, pronouncements of finality etc, some women do go back for more punishment. Not saying you will...but be aware of softening and/or falling for the old flannel

AF. Don't worry. No way even if hell freezed over . I am already in such a different place to where I was a week ago. This was the biggest decision I have ever made in my entire life. There is NO WAY I would be WEAK enough to go back on it.

ok, ok

< holds hands up >

< is secretly pleased that IS reacted so strongly >

Me too AF - yay for IS!!!! It really is brilliant to see you being so strong IS, keep it up! The rollercoaster of emotions that I went through was amazing, sometimes completely shit and sometimes exhilerating. I honestly got to know myself all over again and I am a different person than I was before, totally!

You are an inspiration!

How did the evening go with him in the house then? Was thinking of you...

How are you today IS? Been thinking of you xx

I'm good thanks!

Last night went fine - he came over to bath and sort kids, I just made myself scarce but was listening and OBSERVING. He seemed sober and sane, everything went fine, so I felt somewhat reassured.

Have had such lovely support from friends, neighbours and family, it has truly warmed my heart

Stay strong women. Face problems with guts, appreciate the lessons we are learning and how much stronger we are for them, be true to yourself, and if you do not want to live your whole life like you are now, draw on your inner strength to make the changes you need to.

You're doing so well IS You're so strong and an inspiration x

How has your week been IS? Have been thinking of you - hope you haven't had too many challenges...

xxPLPxx

Lovely of you to still be thinking of me purple. Thank you.

I am stronger this week; eating and sleeping much better. Some nights still sobbing though, and MISSING the fucker (even though do not doubt decision at all). It's just so so sad that it had to end this way when we were so happy a few years ago.

I have much much anger towards OW (would actually be physically VERY violent if I ever saw her). Strangely have very little anger towards HIM yet, just sadness and hurt.

I will get there.

Hello IS I have just read through your thread and been bowled over by how consistent and determined you have been these few weeks and yet the insouciance of mowing the lawn in heels..

Loving advice from tea and wwifl if only I had known about MN last October , I think getting so much sound advice helps firm your resolve to make the right decisions.

IS you have mentioned several times how your H changed from someone you were happy with to someone quite different and alcohol was involved . I have been staggered at how many MNers mention it as an issue ,sadly I have more incidents that I would care to mention involving alcohol but exh took the biscuit. The thing you may find over the coming weeks is how your mind begins to play tricks on you and you visualise your H as the man you met rather than the one you were actually with by the end. The journal suggestions are great for that because a couple of times a couple of months into the split I would refer back to it where all my anger and reasons I was glad he left me were detailed and so I could say Oh yes thats right hes a twunt and its betterbfor me he has gone

IS you will always know that you made a decision and even though you loved/love him your self respect shone through and you stood up for yourself and are seeing this through which in the future will be a big boost to your confidence.

getting cant say the same.

IS keep posting because I'm afraid to say its an uneven process recovering from it all but I know you have done the best thing for you and your dcs

Thanks Gettingeasier. I have started the diary, and it has already been helpful listing out examples of why I am better off without him and how horrible he has been, then referring back to it when I am missing him.

There is a good thread on the 'lone parents' section about why people feel they are better off on their own, and that has also given me a good boost.

And yes, you are right it is an uneven process recovering, I am already finding that and it has only been 3 weeks. I know it will be very up and down for a very long time.

Hope all is better for you now.

IS, you are doing extremely well, you picked the right name for yourself there! So pleased to hear things are settling down in terms of eating and sleeping, it will take time but you're going in the right direction and doing all the right things...

((hugs)) xx

Had a lovely day today! Doing lots of sorting out of house and garden which feels so positive. Then a lovely friend brought me a beautiful bunch of flowers which was completely unexpected.

I used to dream about the OW, I was in a car driving and she was in the passenger seat. In my dream I started to tell the 21 yr old strumpet "did she realise what destruction she had caused by her actions" and she answered me back, I pulled over, leaned over and dragged her head out of the car and started banging it on the pavement! All in my dream!

I'm so glad she lives 4 hours away! No idea how I would react if I bumped into her. But she does have a smart mouth and thinks she's clever, as I've known her for 4 or 5 years, so in real life she definitely wouldn't accept accountability if we spoke, for her part. She spent years texting, calling and e-mailing my H and knew I felt uncomfortable with how often they spoke and carried on regardless. So I feel my rage for her is justified as ultimately she got her wish, my H. I do feel in a way she stole my H. Even though it takes 2, I do have anger for my H too but my rage for her is bigger. As she'd come and stay and bath my DCs, even came to their christening, all whilst shagging my H and their daddy

So glad you're doing so well. You disappeared off my "I'm on" list, until I hide lots tonight.

Tea we are everywhere tonight !

Tea dont get cross but did you drink my bottle of wine dont understand last sentence !!

Seriously though I have read lots of your posts and think you are ffab. Feel I have gleaned more about your story from this post than previous . Tea who is this ow that she had such intimacy with your dcs ?

Wish exh and ow lived 4 planets , sorry hours ,away as it is ow works stones throw from our home and I enjoy sound of exh in his mid life crisis car roaring in and out of visiting her very frequently.

OW - was a family friend she met me and H on a kids camp we all volunteered at, many moons ago. We were all leaders on this camp for 8 -11 yr olds. She kept friendship up after the camp, particularly with my H.

My last sentence was about my "I'm on" list in Talk. You can hide threads you're no longer interested in following, that you've commented on and then ones that have slipped off the bottom, come back again.

I had a dream about OW a few nights ago. Was horrid. Hope I don't keep having them.

She has also been to my house and played with my kids (altho several years ago). This makes me really FUCKING ANGRY.

Luckily she also lives in another city; I've never actually felt so physically violent towards another person before.

I totally empathise with you. I disliked dreaming about it too.

How was today?

Today was GOOD tea! Really am feeling very very positive this week, and relieved not to have to deal with any lies any more. Hope you are ok too.

Yaaayyyyy!

Have you thought about counselling? Has helped me so much to process things.

I'm ok enjoyed the weather at a lovely park today with DCs with a paddling pool incl. fountain and huge sandpit there too. Good times.

Hi IS, was just thinking of you. Hope you're enjoying your new found freedom from that tosser, and that you're continuing to cope well xxx

Just wanted to send hugs