have kicked out dh with no heart need support please

[innerstrength]

Thank you for clicking in to read my story. I am by no means ready to talk to ?real life? people about this yet, so this is a step towards that.

Dh has had an affair recently. This is the second time he has had an affair with this woman (first time was 3 years ago when ds was a baby; we worked very very hard to get back on track), then a few months ago it started again with the same woman. I have seen deep outpourings of love to her.

Apparently this time, they officially ended the affair in Jan, as they both knew it was wrong. However, they have continued to text, email and meet up regularly as ?friends? (!! ? even if this is so ? in my book, highly inappropriate, and very likely would only be a matter of time before it hots up again.)

Dh has been suffering from deep work stress for some time, and is on medication for this. He has always had sociopathic tendencies in that he has no emotions about pretty much anything, which has always been difficult. He has been quite horrible to me for a long time, and I have tried as hard as I can to make it work, but he is giving absolutely nothing back. I would also say he was in danger of becoming an alcoholic. He has anger management issues. I would say he is not completely of sane mind at the moment, altho not at all dangerous. (there are many similarities with the other thread on this section about a husband who is emotionally detached.)

So 24 hrs ago, after presenting him with evidence re affair, I told him he cannot live here any more. He just said ?OK? and walked out the front door(!!).

For the next few days I am hoping we will have no contact. Then we need to discuss what to tell the children. I would like them to know the truth, but without any bad mouthing of him (I would never do that), and would only tell them what we both agree. Feel sick and shaky. Was very calm and lovely him not being here this morning, but keep having waves of panic. However, I know that I cannot live another 40 years like this, so what other option did I have?

I didn't tell all my friends for months. It does hurt when you tell people and can even make you cry as you do

Don't tell everyone yet. Just close people you trust who you know care.

Wish I could come over with cake and chocolate and sit and listen whilst you off loaded. But I'm here virtually It will get better x

innerstrength I understand why this week is not the right one to tell everyone.

I would also say, choose carefully. You will find that the people who understand this the best are the ones who have been through something similar, even if they are still with the person that had the affair.

Unfortunately, you will find some very unsighted people who believe that affairs happen because of something lacking in the betrayed partner, which is so absurd when you think of it, but I sense that this is where your feeling "ashamed" comes from. I recognise it, because I felt the same.

The problem is that people have a huge investment in believing that if a marriage is happy and their partner's needs are being catered for in every way, affairs cannot happen. But they can - and do, because it has so often got nothing whatsoever to do with the betrayed partner or the state of the marriage - and everything to do with the betrayer, his selfishness and sense of entitlement. Your H's reactions to being rumbed again point completely to what I am saying.

However, for the smug marrieds out there, or the people who have never suffered cheating, they buy into the prevention myth lock stock and barrel, because then they can believe it will never happen to them.

So when the time comes, explain all this to the chosen few - and for the rest (I'm thinking of the playground here tbh) just say that your marriage has broken up and leave it at that. It would however be very wise to mention it to the Head and the teachers.

Thinking of you and wishing you more strength.

thank you for being with me even if over the net. It is really helping.

He has just texted me for the first time 5 mins ago. All it says is - I miss my children.

I keep having to go upstairs to cry in between trying to get dc to eat broccoli.

Why do you think wise to tell teachers? Feel sick.

I did not reply to his text

Because at some point in the next few days, it will strengthen your resolve if you start to tell the people who need to know (i.e the children, close friends and family) that the marriage is over. At that point, the children's schools always need to know, in case there is any behaviour that is causing concern - and also some schools have a brilliant pastoral care system in place.

I think there's a part of you that's not telling people because you think you might relent - and believe me, you really mustn't. Stay strong on this. This man will cheat again on you.

He is being deeply manipulative by text and you must not respond to messages like this. Respond only to direct conversation, not texts.

You are right that part of me thinks I might relent. It is when I think back to how happy we were a few years ago, before he went mental, before the ow, before he started drinking heavily. We really were truly happy. I am very very very sad.

IS, you must never take this man back

he will destroy you

He never used to be like this

I totally agree with Whenwillifeelnormal as far as talking to the school, it's good to give them a heads up in case it has any affect on DC's behaviour and I found them to be really supportive for me.

I know it is a rollercoaster of emotions, especially as you clearly love/loved him - you can't switch that off, but you must continue with this and not relent or you'll end up with no self esteem whatsoever. He will try to get back into your head but you must detach yourself from him as much as possible when contact is resumed, and keep it all about the DC's. The memories of him being nice will always be there and nothing can take them away; but he has been having an affair, not just once either...!!! I didn't have that problem as my xh was never nice, I look back and wonder how on earth I ended up with him to be honest!!

As far as the shame goes, all my friends and family had warned me off him for years, so I felt shameful that it had taken me so long to finally split and that they were right all along. Nobody said 'I told you so' though, they were all there for me xxx

He is a FUCKING LYING CHEATING FUCKING WANKER

Let it all out hun, let it all out ((((((((((hugs)))))))))) xxxxx

How DARE he break up our beautiful family in this way and treat me like this FUCKING LYING FUCKING CHEATING LYING FUCK

Has something happened, or are you just going through a stage of realisation? You go for it IS, you deserve better than him and so do your DC's xxxx

Yes he is. Hit the anger stage then

As Purple says let it out x

no nothing else happened. Just keep having waves of utter grief at what has been destroyed, then waves of rage at him and ow who is younger than me but an UGLY SQUARE BITCH. Just can't really believe it. Never thought I would be in this position ever.

When he finally realised he had to admit it, (ie when I actually put a print out of an email in front of him) I really think he thought because the affair was (supposedly) finished in January (even though the continued to communicate and meet up VERY regularly,) I really think he thought I would just roll over and take it again.

When I told him he had destroyed everything, he said I was over dramaticizing this! I wasn't was I?

I have seen texts saying 'I love you' as recently as 3 weeks ago; so it had clearly not finished in January, even if they havent actually shagged recently.

IS, these waves will come and go I'm afraid but it's good that you're getting it all out on here. He sounds like a complete and utter twat and your life will be so much better without him. If he is still in a relationship with her, she will see him for what he is sooner or later; if not, then she already has and the bonus is that he is completely alone now and will most probably end up a sad lonely man. Either way, it hurts so much. Those who haven't been through this will wonder why it matters but it does, for whatever reason, it does. Your focus now is on you and your DC's and rightly so, but you have every right to grieve over this - it is your life afterall.

So, what are you doing this weekend? Do you have any plans? xxx

And no, you were NOT over dramaticizing at all and don't ever think that you were! xxx

innerstrength when you are in shock, you tend to believe what ever information you are told. It's part of the condition you are in to hang on to something as being true and right.

However, most people on discovery tell a pack of lies, all to minimise the awfulness of what they have done.

Consequently, I think this story about the relationship ending in January is a lie, concocted so that you would believe he wasn't still being sexually unfaithful. I expect that with a little more probing (if you want to) you will find that this relationship was very much a live thing at the point of discovery.

I'm glad your anger has come through. You should be astonishingly angry. This is healthy and it's necessary, especially when your resolve weakens.

Please don't let him manipulate you with sobbing texts about the children. If he misses his DCs, he should do the adult thing and ring you to arrange picking them up and taking them out for the day, minus the OW of course. Don't get into a text or E mail exchange with him. Insist on direct communication only.

The way to deal with him for now is with polite indifference, speaking about the children and your impending divorce only. Do not let him see a chink, or he will ruthlessly exploit it. This man has got away with persuading you once that he was a reformed character. He will try it again and again. He has a massive sense of entitlement and you so need to tell him and the world that he is entitled to nothing where you are concerned.

Stand firm, or you will rue the consequences to your dying day.

WOW - I could have written your thread in 2005. I cannot say ow much I sympathis with you - the empty hollowness you feel once they're gone WILL go. Well done for acting on this, many wouldn't - you're very brave, and it's also the best thing to do for you all, although you probably won't feel that right now.

I felt like my entire world had collapsed - but just take it a day at a time - get as much help as you can from friends and family. Do anything you can to the house to wipe away memories - move around furniture, sell and rebuy cheap second hand furniture, redecorate, buy new things to go on the wall - make the house YOURS.

Think about how you want custody to go before you have a meeting about it and stick to your guns. Same with money. Don't let him off because he has to find somewhere to live (like I did!)

You may find odd things will catch you out emotionally - if you're on your own at home, do let them out! But may not be an idea in Sainsbury's/outside school.

And you may be surprised at how quickly you will rebuild your life, grief can be a great motivator some times. I forced myself back onto the dating wagon after 3 months, and less than 2 years after the event, I met my wonderful DH who is the complete opposite of the ex - he and the DC's love each other dearly and we now have a wonderfully happy home with another DC and 1/2!

I wish you all the best through this horrible part of a journey, but hope that you too will get to wonderful place where all this pain will melt away and become a memory.

I big part of me just doesn't believe that there is no going back here. As I've said, I think that is why I can't tell anyone yet. It is like it is not real, and I can't help remembering how happy we were once, and thinking it will get back to that. I just can't believe he is not here forever now.

I don't think it will Innerstrength. Sorry. The hardest part maybe letting go. But it's not good for the kids or you to remain with a philanderer. Sorry.

There is no going back is there?

Feel like I am standing at the edge of a precipice deciding whether to leap or not. Once I leap - and tell the children, the parents, the world, there is no going back.

I've asked him to email me suggestions of what to tell dc asap. Can't carry on in this limbo much longer.

Feel physically like I am going to vomit when I think about telling people.