have kicked out dh with no heart need support please

[innerstrength]

Thank you for clicking in to read my story. I am by no means ready to talk to ?real life? people about this yet, so this is a step towards that.

Dh has had an affair recently. This is the second time he has had an affair with this woman (first time was 3 years ago when ds was a baby; we worked very very hard to get back on track), then a few months ago it started again with the same woman. I have seen deep outpourings of love to her.

Apparently this time, they officially ended the affair in Jan, as they both knew it was wrong. However, they have continued to text, email and meet up regularly as ?friends? (!! ? even if this is so ? in my book, highly inappropriate, and very likely would only be a matter of time before it hots up again.)

Dh has been suffering from deep work stress for some time, and is on medication for this. He has always had sociopathic tendencies in that he has no emotions about pretty much anything, which has always been difficult. He has been quite horrible to me for a long time, and I have tried as hard as I can to make it work, but he is giving absolutely nothing back. I would also say he was in danger of becoming an alcoholic. He has anger management issues. I would say he is not completely of sane mind at the moment, altho not at all dangerous. (there are many similarities with the other thread on this section about a husband who is emotionally detached.)

So 24 hrs ago, after presenting him with evidence re affair, I told him he cannot live here any more. He just said ?OK? and walked out the front door(!!).

For the next few days I am hoping we will have no contact. Then we need to discuss what to tell the children. I would like them to know the truth, but without any bad mouthing of him (I would never do that), and would only tell them what we both agree. Feel sick and shaky. Was very calm and lovely him not being here this morning, but keep having waves of panic. However, I know that I cannot live another 40 years like this, so what other option did I have?

Got to sleep at about 2am. Been wide awake since 4am. Feel like some kind of ghost wandering around my house. My house. Not our house.

Plan for next couple of hours:

1. Eat rich tea biscuit.
2. Get kids ready with false jollity drawing up deep dregs of energy reserves.
3. Lipstick and high heels.
4. Sunglasses. Really hope it is sunny today.
5. Smile with gritted teeth, the extreme effort of which makes face actually vibrate.
6. School.
7. Come home and fall apart.
8. Eat another rich tea biscuit.

That sounds like as good a plan as you could hope for, innerstrength. And by the way, you have one of the best and most accurate usernames I've ever seen on the Relationships board.

(You know; you and AnyFucker)

You're doing really well, unlike the ridiculous child you had the misfortune to fall in love with. It sounds like you did a great job telling your kids, as well. They're incredibly lucky to have you.

It will get easier. And for now, you have us.

Thanks tortoise. Yes I did do a fucking good job telling my kids. They were completely non phased by it.

It looks like it is going to be sunny.

To be honest I think it's OK for your DCs to see you cry from time to time and show normal emotions in times of pain. Better crying than holding it all in and then they do something naughty and you explode instead. IYSWIM? It's ok to show you miss Daddy

But YES you've done the right thing. I swear your H has compared notes with mine. They sound dreadfully similar on not talking about feelings etc as well

I'm busy for most of today but Purple's post were great and spot on x

Get your sunnies on.

This is the first day of the rest of your life. Yours and dc's.

Hi InnerStrength - have followed this thread but first time I've posted on it - I think you've done a very brave thing, and that honestly in the future, you will realise this. You will find happiness again, I promise. Your kids are lucky to have such a wonderful mum, and they will grow up to realise this and have your values. Please be gentle on yourself - you have done the right thing, but naturally you miss him, of course you do. Don't expect too much from yourself - when I left a very distructive relationship years ago, I knew in my heart I did the right thing, but I still missed the b*stard like crazy - it's normal and natural. If you feel like crying, then cry -focus on yourself, forget about how he's feeling. You have done the right thing. And enjoy the rich tea biccies, at least you've got rid of the hob-KNOB!!

Thank you. Nice to know other people might be reading this thread even if not posting. I hope you all gain inner strength in tough times.

Tea - yes I totally agree that ok to cry sometimes in front of dc; it is important for them to see the truth the break ups can be painful. However, I really am going to try not to cry at least for the first few days, as I want everything to be completely normal for them while the news sinks in.

He is coming over this afternoon to play/bath/put people to bed, as he normally would on Tuesdays if I'm working. (They will think I'm going to work as usual, actually I will be sitting somewhere in my car sobbing, or maybe at a nice friend's house if someone is free.) When he arrives I will leave by another door. I cannot look at him or converse with him in ANY WAY today or I will totally break down. I will explain this to him in an email this morning.
I will explain to him what time I will arrive back, and that I will come in and go directly upstairs, and he will leave when he hears me, and not attempt to converse with me. Feel very exhausted today.

Morning IS. I admire you hugely. You coped brilliantly with telling the DCs - and the parents. I'm so glad your neighbour was there for you last night. Amidst all the disgust I have with your H, I am relieved at least that he must have strengthened your resolve with his admission about his feelings for OW, and his feelings for you. No-one should stay in a relationship where they are not loved enough.

Two things might help you at the moment, as well as talking to friends and family.

You might find it helpful to write a journal, but it might also be cathartic to write about when he first started to change - a sort of chronological story of the past 3+ years. Just the process of writing this all down will help you to see that life with him during this time was awful and can only get better now. You will also marvel when you read it that you managed to get through this time. Keep a separate journal to chart your feelings now.

Secondly, consider having some counselling on your own to process your thoughts and emotions. Do choose someone who has an understanding of the debilitating effects of being gaslighted. As you well know, this insidious behaviour causes a person to doubt their instincts and unfortunately, it infects other areas of life, so that one begins to mistrust their judgement about just about everything. It's understandable therefore, but telling, that you still had to question last night whether you had done the right thing.

I can imagine your first thought this morning was to wish this was a nightmare from which you could wake up, but things will get better now that you have opened up to people and can receive support. Last week was more awful than this one's going to be, of that I am sure.

Well done and keep posting.

hi wwifn; yes I had thought about writing a diary and will definitely do that. It will really help to look back on details of his behaviour when I have doubts etc.

And yes, in a way I was relieved when he said he was in love with her, because it did strengthen my belief that I've done the right thing.

This morning my children were amazing. They woke up all smiles and laughter. I am finding that I am taking such great joy and pleasure at the little things they do and say, things that I normally maybe would not notice as much. It is so lovely to have such true joy in them. That is what really really matters in life. Thank God I have them.

So that you have to go through this. Do go and find some of those rich teas with cream in the middle though. You deserve it

can't eat anything with cream in it - would make me gag. Just the dry ones thanks for offering scorch

How are you tonight IS?

He got here this afternoon as arranged. He stood outside on the kerb and stared at the house but did not come in. This made me angry as I had specifically told him to come in and be totally normal and i would go out to 'work'. Kids said 'what is daddy doing, why is he standing out there, why isn't he coming in'. So I said I'm off to work, and drove off and he went in.

I drove randomly around like a lunatic. Decided to set myself a target of eating something hot before I returned home. Ended up at seaside. Everything shut. Went to a McDonalds. Ordered a 'filet o fish' (couldn't bear the thought of any meat.) Was very impressed by the unusually polite service I received. Had to wait very long time for 'filet of fish' to be cooked specially because NOONE orders 'filet of fish' EVER except mental betrayed wives who have not slept or eaten for a week. Nearly fell asleep standing up at counter.

Ate the 'filet of fish' !!!!

Drove around randomly. Got completely lost; decided best plan was to just follow the car in front for a while. Drove on the motorway for a bit. Said out loud 'I am stronger than him, I am stronger than him' a few times. Then just said out loud 'STRONG STRONG STRONG' about 14 times. It felt good. Felt like I was going to fall asleep. Stopped the car in a 'park and ride' car park and stared into space for a bit.

Got nearer home but still had an hour to kill. Parked by a field and stared out window. Saw a cloud that looked EXACTLY like a baby elephant. REALLY EXACTLY.

Went home straight upstairs. He left. 8 year old still awake, told me Daddy says he is still going to be living here in the spare room, not in another house .

I thought - no he fucking well isn't. I went downstairs, and locked the door. It felt empowering to be locking the fucker out.

I have just eaten a great big slab of Victoria Sponge cake

Change the locks

Good move on sponge cake! Well done on Fillet of Fish as well though! You are strong and are an amazing amazing lady!

You maybe entitled to legal aid now a lone parent? Have you rung tax credit people etc to inform them of the change in circumstances?

I'd be booking a solicitors appointment if it was me and getting the house situation sorted out very very soon.

Well done IS x

The first visit is bound to be vey strange. Spare room indeed!

Well done STRONG innerstrength. You sound more determined today. Only make arrangements that you are 100% comfortable with re future child contact.

I haven't had a fillet o fish for years. If I remember rightly they have really tasty mayo on them. But if they have to cook them from scratch I won't be getting one when I'm in a rush.

Victoria Sponge heals all ills.

How are you this morning, innerstrength? Did you manage to get some sleep? I would bave another slice of victoria sponge if I were you.

Still no sleep last night, but did eat half a tuna sandwich at lunch time.

I think I've made massive progress today; yes I have cried, but it has been sad tears, rather than grief stricken sobs. I think it was a turning point when I saw him standing on the kerb like a freak last night; it was like a moment of clarity, I thought 'that's not nice old dh, that's the new mentally ill monster dh.' Making that distinction really helped, as what I've been grieving for is the man he once was when our relationship was lovely many years ago.

For the first time today, I also had a very positive sense of peace within me. I felt very first-day-of-the-rest-of-your-lifey, and at times, even EXCITED!! Very good news. Maybe I will even have a party! (would be women only I think). I have a real sense of relief that everyone knows, as it was hideous psyching myself up to tell people. Am also having a massive clear out of the house which feels good, and have had lovely offers of help with various things from friends which also feels good.

Am really hoping to get some sleep tonight so I don't feel so drained.

IS, you are doing really, really well and you are one impressive lady !

IS I have been lurking since you started your thread, and just wanted to say how pleased I am to hear your positivity today. I think a girlie party is a really good idea.

Brilliantly well done, and all good luck/good wishes for you for the rest of your life, free from him.

thank you. It is all very exhausting. I was determined not to miss picking kids up from school today, even tho my parents were here and offered. The news is clearly spreading locally like wildfire, and it just felt really important to hold head up high in playground. I know it should not matter what people think, it's really none of their business, but I'm afraid it DOES matter, and I just don't want people think I'm gibbering wreck who can't get out of bed for a year. Did the CHeryl Cole sunglasses, lip gloss and high heels look. Will do the same tomorrow.

But just doing that is UTTERLY EXHAUSTING. On every level. The relief of getting back home and knowing I did not have to go anywhere else today or see anyone was quite overwhelming.

Am dreading the weekend, as two of the kids have special activities on and dh is going to have to be involved and with us for a big part of the weekend.

Up with women.

Exhausting maybe. But it is for you and your self esteem, so very important!

Oh IS, it is really great to hear you've turned a corner, I'm so pleased for you - see, you're stronger than you think!! Brilliant that you're managing to eat a little too, I'm sure you'll sleep tonight! I'm sure the kids will pick up on this positive vibe too and it will make things easier on you all.

I know what you mean about holding your head up high - at the end of the day you have nothing at all to be ashamed of, so good on you! Be careful not to put yourself under too much pressure though - you are allowed to have off days and it's none of anybodies business if you do. Well done for pushing yourself and having the Cheryl Cole look lol - I wouldn't have managed that so soon after xh left, really impressed

I totally understand your apprehension about the weekend - is it worth outlining some rules so you don't get into any discussions or disagreements in front of the kids?

Onwards and Upwards!!!

Go women! Go women!

Just think of yourself as the leading lady in a big movie you are the star ,you have control ,you decide the supporting actors,surround yourself with positive people giving out good vibes to you and protect yourself from the negative ones.You cannot control anyone else but you can control what you do and how you react,try and stay in the moment and take one day at a time ,fab re the sandwich ,you are doing great,no rear view mirrors on this vehicle ,forwards march !

ps i have been thru every painful emotion in the last six months or so but also had some of the best laffs and the most positive times in my life ,a true journey of discovery!

I have just cut the fucking grass wearing very high heels. Rock on Women.