dp is going on a stag night and the stag wants to go lap dancing, how the hell can i tell dp i have a problem with this without looking like a jealous control freak??

[superv1xen]

ok you lot are going to think i am mad. and, most probably the jealous control freak mentioned in my thread title

i have barely slept last night and i am utterly depressed today.

last night dp's mate text him to ask him to confirm he is going on his stag do in june. (which i have no problem with dp going on btw) to which dp replied yes, then his mate text back something along the lines of "woop woop there will be lapdancing involved"...the reason i know what the texts said is because dp laughingly showed me as if it was funny!

i bit my lip and didn't say anything but i was silently fuming and devastated at the thought that dp could think this ok.

if he so much as goes in one he will come home to his bags packed. seriously, it will end our relationship. and it would be even worse if they went in one and kept it a secret.

i am so against these places, for so many reasons. they are exploitative of women for one but from a personal point of view i AM jealous at the thought of him going in a place like that. would like to think that the only person dp would like to see naked is me. am i naive or what? i love him that much he is the only one i want to see naked in front of me, he is the only one i want to turn me on (because tell me what man wouldnt get turned on by lapdancers?), is it too much to ask to want him to feel the same?

ok i know that while in a relationship it is normal and healthy to find other people attractive but i really think that ogling naked girls and having them shove their tits in his face in a bar is going a step too far.

god i feel sick, i could cry. i am questioning him, i am questioning our whole relationship. we have been together nearly 3 years and have a one year old together, it isn't just a casual thing, sorry to ramble, i dont know what to think

If you have a problem with it then stop biting your lip and silently fuming and say something to him.

He laughed it off, perhaps he thinks its incredibly immature and wont have anything to do with it?

Are you jealous? Or do you object to the objectification of women? I personally would go with the latter argument, and back it up with the fact that its disrespectful to you and his mother. In fact, just mention his mother and lapdancing in the same sentence

"if he so much as goes in one he will come home to his bags packed. seriously, it will end our relationship. and it would be even worse if they went in one and kept it a secret."

Then tell him so. And act on it. I'd be sick if my DH went into one of those places too.

Ok, first you have to calm down.

Then think rationally about it.

My opposition to lap dancing clubs are not because of any jealousy but because of the exploitation of women who work there.

DH has never been to one, and never will because he hates the thought of them. He has also said that he finds them a complete turnoff.

What has your DH said? Talk to him. Why are you doubting him? It was not he who suggested going there.

make it clear how you feel....but how will you know for sure he didnt go??

will you still give him a hard time after the stag do because you wont be able to believe he just came home early??

I think half the problem in this situation is that men find it so difficult to say no in front of their friends as worried about looking hen pecked/a wimp etc, especially if all their mates are going.

BTW completely agree with you. The idea of a man waving his willy in one of our faces would surely bother most people's OH -no??

Just to reassure you - not wanting your DP to go to a lap-dancing club does not make you a jealous control freak.

It's a perfectly reasonable response and you need to talk to him about it.

'What man wouldn't get turned on by lapdancers?'

Plenty, my dh for one. He's been on several stag nights that have ended up in lap dancing clubs and always comes home laughing about how minging the women are. I can catagorically tell you he does not find them in the slightest sexy. There is nothing erotic for him about women pretending to be sexy and waggling about in cheap, nasty underwear. Unless they are going to one of the very top notch places the women aren't the gorgeous, slim women you're envisaging.

Your dp thinks going to a lap dancing club is funny. He's told you it's on the cards, he doesn't appear to be thinking of it as anything other than a laugh. I think you are doing him a big disservice in assuming that he wants to go and ogle girls with the implication that he will find them attractive. How much do you trust him normally? I would worry more about dh and a genuinely attractive colleague being away with work than him having a woman shaking her boobs in his face in a bar.

My biggest issue with these places is the amount they cost and the drinks cost, tbh. They're a complete rip off.

I think lap dancing bars are pointless and don't understand why men seem to feel it's an obligatory part of a stag do (DH didn;t go to one on his stag night, fwiw). I'd rather dh didn't go but if he does, he does. For me it doesn't say anything about our relationship or how he feels about me.

I agree with MmeLindtChocBrownies. It's the treatment of the women I can't abide.

DH went on a group 40th to Prague arranged by one of the others and the trip included a night out at a lap dancing club, which he and I did not know about until everything was booked.

Only this one guy thought it was great. DH and the others thought it was souless and sad (for the women and them).

Speak to your DH about it. He may not like the idea and be already thinking of boycotting that part of the night. You won't know until you talk

Instead of making it about why you don't want him to go, turn it around and , if he is planning to go - you won't know unless you ask him, , make him explain why he would even want to do something so nasty and tacky.
Don't rant and rave, simply ask him if he wants you to lose all respect for him.

Men who enjoy this are pathetic imho.

I have to agree with the poster, I wouldn't feel happy about my DH going to a lapdancing club, I don't like the idea of men enjoying women who are being exploited, would he be happy if it was his daughter or mother or sister up there?

The looking at other women and worrying about being compared doesn't bother me, I'm no oil painting and he loves me just the same, it's what it would say about his attitude to women that worries me!

I would tell your DP how you feel and if he respects your feelings he will reassure you that he won't go. I think DPs & DHs should always put us before their mates!

I actually think Elizabethtailored has hit the nail on the head. Ask your dp to have a good think about how he'd feel if you were going to something like that.

My dh wouldn't go either. He finds the whole idea utterly abhorrent.

There was a thread on this recently and Bitoffun posted a link to a good article about how much incidences of violence/rape to up in the surrounding areas of lap-dancing clubs.

Get him to read that and see if he still thinks its a good idea.

yes i thought what elizabethtailored said as well.

i know what packs of guys are like when they are together and how they egg eachother on and don't like to look "under the thumb etc in front of their mates.

Right - Chippendales here we come..!

I actually left a long term partner a few years ago over a lap dancing club. We had a house, kids and our whole life planned out in front of us but after finding out he had been to a lap dancing club (on a stag weekend) i just couldn't look at him the same... he made my skin crawl, partly because of the thought of him looking/wanting these woman but also the thought that he could have put money (our hard earned money of which we didn't have much) into an industry that i despise.

We had found out about the plan to go to the lap dancing club a few days before the trip and he had promised to take my feelings into account and not join in with this particular part of the weekend (although in hindsight i can now understand how difficult it would have been to walk away from his mates and look an idiot)

But, the thought if him enjoying having a naked woman dancing on his lap whilst I was at home with our babies made me feel sick. He called me after they left the club drunk and admitted he had been there, by the time he got back the next day his bags were packed and a 7 year marraige was over. I know a lot of people will think i was hasty/unreasonable ect but it was an important issue for me personally and i couldn't let it go.

I do think you would be a jealous control freak if you forbid him to go. You are not his boss or his owner. While you are entitled to your objections, and to explain them to him, he is entitled to his own thoughts and opinions. And there is a big difference between the bloke who enjoys lapdancing clubs and wants to go all the time and have loads of private dances, and the bloke who thinks it's a bit naff but doesn't want to make a big deal out of refusing to go in front of him mates.

Is there anyone who sees it as just a laugh and 'boys being boys' sort of thing? Not that I do. But wondering if I was just being hugely insecure.

I personally see it as 'the norm' on stag does. Well certainly all my male married friends went to one on their stag night.

My DH has a stag weekend in London in June. I have absolutely NO desire to know what will be going on. He is a grown up and I trust him. End of.

Well, the 'boys being boys' thing is just a cop out isn't it. Frequently used to excuse twattish behaviour. If I were to run around spending our money on something that my DH totally disapproved of and shrugged and used 'girls will be girls' as an excuse, I'm sure that I would be rightfully called on sidestepping the issue.

I think it is more telling (and sad) that you feel so insecure in your relationship that you let this affect you in such a way. This would worry me more than any lapdancing club, to be honest.

My dh was recently entertaining an important client. After a meeting he asked the client where he wanted to go after dinner, and the client said "Stringfellows".

What I think about such places is irrelevant. How I value our relationship is something different, and to be honest, the odd trip to a lapdancing place is hihgly unlikely to affect our relationship. I am secure in dh, I am secure in myself.

But, maybe I am a bit older than you!
(38)

"Well, the 'boys being boys' thing is just a cop out isn't it. Frequently used to excuse twattish behaviour"

aint that the truth!

but i am glad that a lot of the posters on this thread don't think i am mad or a jealous control freak.

and - SGB - i would never "tell" him what to do. but if he then decided that despite me being unhappy about it he still wanted to go to a lapdancing club, ogle naked girls and spend our family money there while i am sat at home with the kids, then he is not a man i want to be with.