dp is going on a stag night and the stag wants to go lap dancing, how the hell can i tell dp i have a problem with this without looking like a jealous control freak??

[superv1xen]

ok you lot are going to think i am mad. and, most probably the jealous control freak mentioned in my thread title

i have barely slept last night and i am utterly depressed today.

last night dp's mate text him to ask him to confirm he is going on his stag do in june. (which i have no problem with dp going on btw) to which dp replied yes, then his mate text back something along the lines of "woop woop there will be lapdancing involved"...the reason i know what the texts said is because dp laughingly showed me as if it was funny!

i bit my lip and didn't say anything but i was silently fuming and devastated at the thought that dp could think this ok.

if he so much as goes in one he will come home to his bags packed. seriously, it will end our relationship. and it would be even worse if they went in one and kept it a secret.

i am so against these places, for so many reasons. they are exploitative of women for one but from a personal point of view i AM jealous at the thought of him going in a place like that. would like to think that the only person dp would like to see naked is me. am i naive or what? i love him that much he is the only one i want to see naked in front of me, he is the only one i want to turn me on (because tell me what man wouldnt get turned on by lapdancers?), is it too much to ask to want him to feel the same?

ok i know that while in a relationship it is normal and healthy to find other people attractive but i really think that ogling naked girls and having them shove their tits in his face in a bar is going a step too far.

god i feel sick, i could cry. i am questioning him, i am questioning our whole relationship. we have been together nearly 3 years and have a one year old together, it isn't just a casual thing, sorry to ramble, i dont know what to think

I think someone else said on a previous lapdancing thread that another reason groups of men go to these clubs is that sometimes it's hard to find a place where they can have a late night drink that will actually admit groups of half-pissed men. (And TBH if your main problem with it is that you are paranoid about him breaching monogamy, that's a bit more likely to happen if he and his mates are in an ordinary nightclub, if he's not trustworthy).

SGB - I don't know. My definition of monogamy includes not going to lap dancing clubs to have women who are designed to sexually entice shake their naked bodies in your face!!! I wouldn't go to a lap dancing club, I wouldn't watch a stripper and I expect him not too. I think 'because it is hard to tell my mates no' is a pathetic excuse because I did it with that hen do I went to and really regretted it.

I agree with curiosity. Think even a 'monogamous' man may feel tempted when a sexy woman is deliberately enticing him and he has had a few drinks.

In an ordinary nightclub it would probbaly be harder to pick up a girl unless you are actively looking for it.

even if there is no real temptation then to me it is indulging in sexual behaviour to get involved and since the girls want the cash they are not going to leave you alone without trying to involve you first. I'm not sure many men/husbands would be happy about the equivalent behaviour.

Curiousity, Carmen - look, you either trust your blokes (and have had a discussion about what exactly constitutes a breach of monogamy in your relationship) or you don't. If your blokes are trustworthy then the fact that they see another woman's naked body doesn;t mean they are going to do anything.

SGB - I trust my DH, even if he went I know he would not 'do' anything but what I am saying is that, to me, going to a lapdancing club is indulging in sexual behaviour and whilst I wouldn't consider it cheating it would be a breach of trust and it would be being unfaithful to our marriage.

i don't think you need to have self-esteem issues to not want your husband to spend his hard-earned in a club full of women trying to show him their boobs and bits in return for money.

I think rather one is more likely to be connived into allowing this due to a lack of confidence.

Certainly, i felt it was absolutely as supervixen says -

"if he then decided that despite me being unhappy about it he still wanted to go to a lapdancing club, ogle naked girls and spend our family money there while i am sat at home with the kids, then he is not a man i want to be with"

who wants this teenage and idiotic behaviour? why wouldn't stating that objection in no uncertain terms be a sign of self-confidence?

Actually i do totally trust my dp(well as much as you can ever trust someone) and I don't believe he would go and chat up a girl in a bar. However, i would be really uncomfortable with him paying for a girl to undress, writhe and dance in front of him knowing that he was turned on by a 'real life woman'. I don't mind porn one bit, but knowing someone had properly turned him on in real life would make me feel sick,

Easy - ask him if he would like his daughter, when an adult obviously (you may not have a dd - I don't know, but surely he can imagine) prostituting herself by gyrating her groin in someones face.

Lap dancing is fuckwitted. Men who go along - are plankton.

I've not read all the thread, I've name changed & no doubt gonna get tons of flack . . . . I have worked as a stripper & am going to give you my side of stag / table dancing - if its UK, it will be table & not lap.

The guys that get turned on by it, are the ones that go regularly.

The stag do guys, very few pay for dances, most sit around, get drunk, have a laugh with or without the girls. A LOT buy a girl drinks, maybe even give her money in lieu of dances, so they can bleat on about the wives / girlf's.

On a long shift, a stag do can make a stripper's night, not cos they make lots of money put of them, but cos they are having a laugh, & most definitely not taking it seriously. They like having a few girls sat with them, they talk crap, laugh a lot & drink over prized booze. Mostly cos they think its what they should do.

From the girls point of view, there is nothing remotely sexual going on.

All clubs in the UK, if there is any contact seen, the bloke will be ejected & the girl, if allowing contact will be fined.

if you have any questions . .| .

(fwiw I was terrible in clubs, as I'm not a money grabbing bitch, which you have to be to make money in these places . . . the girls that are pushy are easily identified & slagged off by most stag do guys)

I absolutely forbade dh to go to strip clubs, it just felt so seedy and scummy and I hated the idea of him getting the horn after watching these girls dance, I had no worries that he would be unfaithful. He did as I asked ( I think) and would find a bar, until I went to a henny and there was a stripper. I felt that I had been really unfair because I saw nothing wrong with the stripper and went home and told dh the ban was lifted, I really have no problem with him going now.

Lequeen

i am 30 and yes i am a size 6 so i dont need to lose weight or tone up, i dont look half bad for a 30 year old mum of 2! but that doesnt mean i would want dp comparing me to an 18 year old lapdancer and finding me lacking! coz i would be! as slim as i am i am not perfect, i have stretchmarks and sagginess in places and my boobs aren't what they once were

FWIW i think it is really cool of you that you are so secure that you are genuinely chilled out about it when your DH has been in lapdanc bars.

"mrsAmouse" how did you feel while you worked? If the answer is 'degraded' or any variation of that then I wouldnt want my partner spending our family money on making you, or any other women feel like that.

Respect your pov LeQueen but I sympathise with OP. My dh would not be interested in going to see lapdancing or any other porn, but if he were, I would be unhappy about it. I don't think you should hide your feelings. You are entitled to feel that way and I think you should let him know how you feel before he decides whether to go or not.

Letting him know how you feel, and how strongly you feel is not being controlling, it is being honest.

Round Of Applause for foureleven

While I've never been a lapdancer myself, I have several friends who have done stripping and poledancing and porn modelling, and a general summing up of their take on it would be that it's better money than shelf-stacking, burger-flipping or cleaning toilets, for much shorter hours. And if your circumstances (lack of educational/professional qualifications, lack of experience in a white collar workplace, a need to work part-time and flexibly) mean that you don't have the option of office work or a profession, but you do have the right sort of physical requirements for this work (young, slim, reasonably competent dancer and prepared to spend time and money on hair, make-up, clothes etc) then it's an OK choice and, in a properly-regulated club, doesn't involve any more unpleasant interaction with customers than many other public-interfacing jobs.

going back a few posts from what I am told by shock horror (married men (including my exhdh)) a man can get turned on by a random woman he might see on a train!

ie a very subtle thing can turn a man on as well as more blatant stuff.

Seeing as you can't regulate when a guy might be turned on then I think you are setting yourself up for a very hard life if you wish to try to control that or be upset by it.

The logical follow on to regulating that would be for women to cover up/dress extremely modestly as they do in some religions

I don't really have a problem with lapdancing, strippers now it tbh but did have done when I was alot younger - 20s. Though actually remember going to a lunchtime strip session in a pub in a mixed group when in mid 20s. I just found it quite interesting tbh

But then I would like to think I have a hedonistic (not necessarily sexual) experience and it not reflect or be connected in any way to a relationship I was in. Nor would it threaten it if the relationship was good enough to start with.

Eg I was considering going to the Erotica Ball and as I am not in a relationship atm it is not an issue of course but if I were then I would hope that I could still go enjoy it (but not necessarily particpate) and it wouldn't threaten a relationship I was in.

But then maybe I am a bit odd!!!

And ironically I have little tolerance for men who have double standards towards women or sex I suppose I have more of a liberal/mutual type of attitude. Ie why don't we all loosen up if that's what you want.

Would people be bothered if it was a burlesque club? Because that is erotic and might turn a man on but not so tacky ITKWIM

I would love to go to a burlesque night as I can appreciate an attractive person and think it might be quite erotic. might even turn me on.

When I first started dating my partner, I remember on the odd occasion he would mention that he and his friend went to a lapdancing club. It never bothered me tbh.

We are now in a serious relationship and expecting a child. He certainly wouldn't go to a place like this, out of respect, but if he did, it still wouldn't bother me. The reasons are complex and perhaps come with the fact that I have low self-esteem