dp is going on a stag night and the stag wants to go lap dancing, how the hell can i tell dp i have a problem with this without looking like a jealous control freak??

[superv1xen]

ok you lot are going to think i am mad. and, most probably the jealous control freak mentioned in my thread title

i have barely slept last night and i am utterly depressed today.

last night dp's mate text him to ask him to confirm he is going on his stag do in june. (which i have no problem with dp going on btw) to which dp replied yes, then his mate text back something along the lines of "woop woop there will be lapdancing involved"...the reason i know what the texts said is because dp laughingly showed me as if it was funny!

i bit my lip and didn't say anything but i was silently fuming and devastated at the thought that dp could think this ok.

if he so much as goes in one he will come home to his bags packed. seriously, it will end our relationship. and it would be even worse if they went in one and kept it a secret.

i am so against these places, for so many reasons. they are exploitative of women for one but from a personal point of view i AM jealous at the thought of him going in a place like that. would like to think that the only person dp would like to see naked is me. am i naive or what? i love him that much he is the only one i want to see naked in front of me, he is the only one i want to turn me on (because tell me what man wouldnt get turned on by lapdancers?), is it too much to ask to want him to feel the same?

ok i know that while in a relationship it is normal and healthy to find other people attractive but i really think that ogling naked girls and having them shove their tits in his face in a bar is going a step too far.

god i feel sick, i could cry. i am questioning him, i am questioning our whole relationship. we have been together nearly 3 years and have a one year old together, it isn't just a casual thing, sorry to ramble, i dont know what to think

LeQueen - Whilst I totally agree with a lot that you say I think the difficulty with this issue is that it really comes down to respect within a couple. Respect for freedom, respect for the world, respect for principles, respect for feelings. I think there shouldn't be any rules, it is an individual choice for each couple depending of a balance of issues within the couple. Some will be more valid than others but what matters is the discussion and the degree of democracy and compromise within the couple.

There is a lot in what you say LeQueen, but imo there is all the difference in the world between voluntarily going to a lapdancing club, and seeing women on the beach, on tv etc.

I don't get this banging on about women who object to their partners going to a LD club as having "low self-esteem"

My self-esteem is pretty high, thankyou very much, and that is why I would not tolerate it.

Or tolerate any disrespectful behaviour, come to that. I certainly would not have a man who went to such a place and came back laughing that the women there were "all mingers" in my house...

OP...I asked a couple of days back if the bride-to-be knew of these palns. You replied that she didn't, but if she knew she would be very upset.

Personally, I would tell her.

I agree - this twisted logic bemuses me too.

I'd reverse this and ask what it says about a man that he separates his values about women in such a peculiar way - that he is willing to have some kind of demarcation line between going to a place that objectifies women and treats them as sex objects - and the respect he has for his partner and any daughters he might have.

I've got no time for men who don't have the balls to say to their mates that they object to lapdancing clubs - and no time for women who in a desperate attempt to appear "cool and laid back", say they've got no problem with it either.

Men and women who say no on moral grounds are the ones with the highest self-esteem.

Yes but that's the crux of the matter LeQueen. I don't understand why you aren't against lapdancing clubs and I don't understand why your H isn't either. I imagine you would hate your DDs to be ogled and leered at in this way by men when they get older and that neither of you would want them to work as lapdancers. If I'm right, there's a huge double-standard at work here.

But, LeQ, acknowledging there is bad stuff in the world we don't have much control over is one thing....

Your DH has the choice to use the services of these clubs

I would expect my DH to exercise his choice not to

Such casual disregard for the wider moral aspects is, frankly, more shocking than the people who do at least admit they get a big thrill out of it, tbh

I'd have no issue with dh going to a beach so long as he was going to be similarly dressed to the other people there.

I would object to his going to a lapdancing club - if I knew about it.

I'd have no objection to his seeing any mainstream film, esp if he had asked me to go too.

Yes, EW...I agree

It is about the power-play in these sorts of places

Man with money=in control

Woman with strong need for money (for whatever reason...let us not go there)=exploited

Do the men who frequent such places strip down to a g-string as they walk through the door ?

Nope

Unequal, exploitative and nasty

I don't ever want any member of my family to ever think that is ok

Or even to ignore the wider social aspects for the sake of a late night drink

How fucking shallow

Go home for a late-night drink...why don't you

Ha ha! AnyFucker, legendary again!!! Yes, agree with most of LeQueen's arguments but all of yours!! ha ha!

Gosh, curiosity, that has tickled your funny-bone !

Not that exactly! just totally agree with you, and have spent the ENTIRE weekend saying similar things to my mother and then for some reason watered myself down for MN!

My husband is beginning to hate my concern for the "wider social aspects". I've got a thread about a similar issue. I would like to say to him not only;

"I don't ever want any member of my family to ever think that is ok

Or even to ignore the wider social aspects for the sake of a late night drink

How fucking shallow

Go home for a late-night drink...why don't you"

But;

"Or for any of my family to be involved with other people who think it is ok or who think a stag do should be their 'last night of freedom'."

How I really feel about the sex trade, from mags like zoo right the way to street prostitution is sick... I feel sick about it all, sick and angry that it exists for so many reasons. I would rather my husband had an affair than went to a strip club, and believe me I know what it is like to be on the recieving end of that. At least an affair would be consensual...

It is your directness which makes me laugh!!!

aww curiosity

I am getting a very hard time elsewhere at the moment for my "directness"

Ha ha! I normally do too... it has obviously made me tailor my responses towards the more 'fluffy'!! lol... I feel like I have sold out.

LeQ...your drunken DH dropping his kecks is not the same thing, and you know it

Don't be silly, now

oh shurrup with the false modesty and forelock-tugging, LeQ...you are just as opinionated and fiesty as I am !