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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

dp is going on a stag night and the stag wants to go lap dancing, how the hell can i tell dp i have a problem with this without looking like a jealous control freak??

181 replies

superv1xen · 07/05/2010 10:32

ok you lot are going to think i am mad. and, most probably the jealous control freak mentioned in my thread title

i have barely slept last night and i am utterly depressed today.

last night dp's mate text him to ask him to confirm he is going on his stag do in june. (which i have no problem with dp going on btw) to which dp replied yes, then his mate text back something along the lines of "woop woop there will be lapdancing involved"...the reason i know what the texts said is because dp laughingly showed me as if it was funny!

i bit my lip and didn't say anything but i was silently fuming and devastated at the thought that dp could think this ok.

if he so much as goes in one he will come home to his bags packed. seriously, it will end our relationship. and it would be even worse if they went in one and kept it a secret.

i am so against these places, for so many reasons. they are exploitative of women for one but from a personal point of view i AM jealous at the thought of him going in a place like that. would like to think that the only person dp would like to see naked is me. am i naive or what? i love him that much he is the only one i want to see naked in front of me, he is the only one i want to turn me on (because tell me what man wouldnt get turned on by lapdancers?), is it too much to ask to want him to feel the same?

ok i know that while in a relationship it is normal and healthy to find other people attractive but i really think that ogling naked girls and having them shove their tits in his face in a bar is going a step too far.

god i feel sick, i could cry. i am questioning him, i am questioning our whole relationship. we have been together nearly 3 years and have a one year old together, it isn't just a casual thing, sorry to ramble, i dont know what to think

OP posts:
alexsdad · 07/05/2010 12:30

Right. Dons flameproof suit. Prepares fire extinguishers etc.

When DW and I were younger, pre-kids and living in a different country, we would together with a group of several people from work (and partners) go to a club which had a floor for the ladies, and a floor for the gents. The group would split up and we would go to the appropiate floor.

To answer ElizabethT's question, I never had a problem with my DW being in the other establishment and having willies waved in her face. She had been in several relationships before meeting me - and so had had other willies in significantly more intimate places than in front of her face! So what's the big deal? She had chosen to get married to me. Not the other guys, or indeed not these willy-waving types.

Likewise, she had no problem with me being on the other floor, and seeing boobies.

Neither of us saw it as a turn on in relation to the people we were seeing (though the sex when we got home was pretty outstanding, as I recall ). Neither were we threatened.

I do recognise of course that others on here have very strong opinions about this, and I am not trying for a minute to suggest they are wrong. But it is their opinion and experience - I wanted to give an alternative.

I am deliberately setting aside the exploitation discussion and just really wanted to point out to the OP that, unless there are other reasons in their relationship to be concerned, I don't think she needs to be jealous. Though I also admit that that is a lot easier said than done. It's not an emotion which can easily be controlled!

Sidge · 07/05/2010 12:31

My DH went on a stag weekend a few years ago; the stag is 11 years younger than him and the stag's dad also went, who is 11 years older than DH.

Whilst the young ones went to the pub in the afternoon DH and Stag's Dad (SD) played golf, then met them for dinner after. They then all went on to a lapdancing club. DH and SD didn't really want to go but said it wasn't about what they wanted to do, it wasn't their weekend.

Anyway apparently DH and SD sat at the back of the club at the bar, had a few beers then went back to the hotel. It is possible for men to go to a club like that and not have a lapdance.

MmeLindtChocBrownies · 07/05/2010 12:32

I have to say that DH has been out with an important client, although not alone with him, there were other members of his company with them. When the client said that he wanted to go to a strip club, DH bowed out and went back to the hotel (they were in Spain).

He told me that he had lost all respect for the client, whose family he had met and liked.

So it is possible to refuse a client request, depending on the company.

jellybeans · 07/05/2010 12:35

I understand and would be the same. Just because it has sadly become 'the norm' and 'acceptable' to many does not make you a prude to not want your DH ogling naked women. This is how some will make you feel because some are brainwashed into thinking of it as 'just a laugh' etc, if they were against it too (instead of the fatalistic attitude of if you can't beat em join em or to look laid back and modern) these places would go out of business.

Original poster
superv1xen · 07/05/2010 12:35

yes it is possible for men to go in to a club like that and not pay for a dance; but the girls still walk round with next to nothing on and try and persuade the men to pay for dances.

and i would guess in that circumstance, it would be VERY hard for a man to say no even if he didnt want a dance with pressure from the girl and pressure from his mates saying, go on go on, don't be a wuss, whats the matter, scared of your girlfriend?? and all that crap.

and BTW i have been in a lapdancing bar years ago when i used to work with a load of guys and that was EXACTLY what happened. and most of the guys i was with went and got a dance as they were under so much peer pressure and had drunk loads.

OP posts:
BigGitDad · 07/05/2010 12:37

I don't think there will ever be a right answer to this one and this subject has been covered so many times before.
I'm with Alexsdad on this. The rugby club I used to belong to used to have a night for the gentleman and a night for the ladies in return.

BigGitDad · 07/05/2010 12:38

For the record V1xen if he does not want a dance he just says no, whats so difficult about that?

GeekOfTheWeek · 07/05/2010 12:42

I agree with you supervixen. I wouldn't 'forbid' it but nor would I keep my feelings quiet.

Fwiw I went in a lapdancing bar when I was about 18, part of a birthday night out for a friend (pre kids etc.) and I had on less than the strippers did

Sidge · 07/05/2010 12:43

I don't think it's that hard for a man to say no thanks for a dance really. Depends on how confident he is, and whether he's pissed as a newt I suppose.

GeekOfTheWeek · 07/05/2010 12:44

I meant whilst they were in the bar, not stripping!

Regardless of the stripping issue I would lose a lot of respect for a man that follows the crowd and can't say no because of peer pressure.

BigGitDad · 07/05/2010 12:48

What happens when you are on a beach in the summer and there are topless girls in bikinis about? I mean really there is not much left to the imagination is there?

DuelingFanjo · 07/05/2010 12:51

Would you feel better about it if he promised not to pay for a dance?

Alouiseg · 07/05/2010 12:52

My Dh used to go quite a bit, i went with him a couple of times.

I don't think it's a problem but if you do then it's a discussion you need to have.

dogfish · 07/05/2010 12:54

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

BloomingFlowers · 07/05/2010 12:56

You just tell him that you have a problem.

You tell him that you are distressed that his "mates" stereotype him as a man that would like to have a bought Woman dancing in front of him.

You ask him how would he feel if it was his Daughter, many years down the line, getting her tits out; and showing her fanny to Men like them.

Downdog · 07/05/2010 13:00

You're right - he should stand outside and wait while the other stags do the lap dancing bit.

Or not go to the stag at all.

Or maybe just go and try very very hard not to enjoy it one little bit.

I object to these places too, but it's not like he's chosen to go there. And tossers men do like these 'rituals' - I think that will be why his mates chose it. It sounds like you have a good relationship so I really wouldn't feel threatened by this in your shoes. It will probably me a one off experience for him, someone else has organised it, and yes I'm sure he will enjoy it just a little bit.

You have plenty of time to talk through why you object, exploitation of women etc, and if he's a thinking guy, he will get it - even if he doesn't get it until he's in the club and sees exploitation instead of glamour, he will see it.

Now if it was HIS stag do, you could certainly lay down the law if you wanted to.

Downdog · 07/05/2010 13:05

PS - would it really be possible for you to be JEALOUS of lap dancers? I don't think they are looking to hook up with your man - just to relieve him of some of his cash.

Malificence · 07/05/2010 13:05

Topless women on a beach in summer ( me included) aren't approaching men, writhing around and offering their "services".

My DH thoroughly enjoyed the nightly fashion shows on holiday, when the models paraded up and down in bikinis etc. jiggling their "pert boobies" (his words), as I enjoyed the six-packed young men modelling stuff too. Even being as obsessively monogamous as I am, doesn't mean I can't enjoy looking at bodies and it's perfectly natural and normal that my DH does too.

It's completely different thing to paying a woman to gyrate sexually for you personally in a club geared to one thing - "making money out of stupid ( drunken) men" - which is DH's take on it.

BigGitDad · 07/05/2010 13:14

I agree malificence but the OP said 'am i naive or what? i love him that much he is the only one i want to see naked in front of me.'

QSnondomicilabilis · 07/05/2010 13:23

I think there is possible more, and much more sexy nakedness on the beach, with natural women strutting their stuff, inadvertedly or not.

When I was young, I refused to go on a beach holiday with my then boyfriend, due to my own insecurities. (I was a rather kate moss shaped young woman with big hangups over my modest size 34B chest)

squeaver · 07/05/2010 13:34

Do you know the stag's fiancé? Does she know about this?

foureleven · 07/05/2010 13:36

"comes home laughing about how minging the women are"

I dont have time to read this whole thread but this stood out to me immediately..

Are you really happy that your husband thinks its acceptable to not only support an establishment and indeed a whole industry which undermines and expoloits women... but also comes home and laughs at how 'minging' these women are.

To be honest I find it more offensive that he didnt find them attractive than if he did.

Nakedness in these places IS different to nakedness on a beach. When I sunbathe nude I am not doing it in return for money, nor am I doing it in shoes/ make up that I am forced to wear to appeal to men.

If your objection was purelyt because of jealousy i would say not to worry because if your partner is going to cheat/ look at other women he can so that anywhere he likes.

If you have a strong moral objection then you need to discuss this with him as shared values are key to a healthy relationship.

If my DP saw nothing wrong with objectifying women in this way it would raise serious questions with me.

Original poster
superv1xen · 07/05/2010 13:37

"I agree malificence but the OP said 'am i naive or what? i love him that much he is the only one i want to see naked in front of me.'"

biggitdad - its true. while of course i appreciate good looking guys and have seen scantily clothes guys ie on the beach, in clubs etc...i think that is very different to paying for someone to gyrate naked in my face. the only person i want to be up close and sexual with is dp. in my eyes he is the most gorgeous man in the world.

OP posts:
foureleven · 07/05/2010 13:49

"Anyone upset by the idea of "objectification" should reflect on the fact that men and women objectify themselves and each other all the time. Hence the endless media drivel about Cheryl Cole and Brad Pitt, and the entire fashion & beauty industry. And hence why tall, rich, powerful men usually seem to have a girlfriend."

Yes, as a society we do objectify people. Men and women.

But Cheryl Cole for example is a women with choices. She has her own money, her independence etcetc. I dont know her personally of course but I doubt she ever feels degraded.

Most women who work in strip clubs feel degraded by it.

BigGitDad · 07/05/2010 15:34

V1xen, your dp is more gorgeous than George Clooney or Brad Pitt? Lucky you!
I hope you work something out, you should have a chat with him and let him know what you feel. At least you would have got it out in the open. I hope you can come to a compromise for both of you. But it is not worth ending a relationship over as I bet it will mean nothing to your dp if he goes to such a club.