dp is going on a stag night and the stag wants to go lap dancing, how the hell can i tell dp i have a problem with this without looking like a jealous control freak??

[superv1xen]

ok you lot are going to think i am mad. and, most probably the jealous control freak mentioned in my thread title

i have barely slept last night and i am utterly depressed today.

last night dp's mate text him to ask him to confirm he is going on his stag do in june. (which i have no problem with dp going on btw) to which dp replied yes, then his mate text back something along the lines of "woop woop there will be lapdancing involved"...the reason i know what the texts said is because dp laughingly showed me as if it was funny!

i bit my lip and didn't say anything but i was silently fuming and devastated at the thought that dp could think this ok.

if he so much as goes in one he will come home to his bags packed. seriously, it will end our relationship. and it would be even worse if they went in one and kept it a secret.

i am so against these places, for so many reasons. they are exploitative of women for one but from a personal point of view i AM jealous at the thought of him going in a place like that. would like to think that the only person dp would like to see naked is me. am i naive or what? i love him that much he is the only one i want to see naked in front of me, he is the only one i want to turn me on (because tell me what man wouldnt get turned on by lapdancers?), is it too much to ask to want him to feel the same?

ok i know that while in a relationship it is normal and healthy to find other people attractive but i really think that ogling naked girls and having them shove their tits in his face in a bar is going a step too far.

god i feel sick, i could cry. i am questioning him, i am questioning our whole relationship. we have been together nearly 3 years and have a one year old together, it isn't just a casual thing, sorry to ramble, i dont know what to think

i think you should tell him that you loathe these places, have no respect for the twats men htat visit them and would prefer it if he didn't go.

The problem is..........they quite often still go but feel they have to lie about it.

Would you rather be lied to about it or be levelled with?

Perhaps this man is different? Like a grown up.....

I simply don't believe that the OP has to go along with it so her DP doesn't lie, that's ridiculous.

The ongoing discussion about lapdancing, degradation & so forth is fascinating (to me, anyway) but is not the main issue here.

OP, you've stated clearly that lapdancing is a deal-breaker for you. Does DP know this? Just as importantly, do you know his views on it?

I think it's essential for you to tell him you have very strong feelings about lapdancing clubs, and to ask him how he feels about going to to one on the stag. It's more than possible he'll agree it's all a bit naff - and volunteer to sit that part of the trip out. In any group of men, there's a range of viewpoints. If one man says he won't be going to the lapdancing place, a couple of others will often pipe up too - which is handy, since they can then do something less sleazy together instead.

If, otoh, he insists on joining in, then you'll have learned something important (if unwelcome) about your relationship.

Hope you'll let us know how your conversation goes!

V1xen,

Why not ask your dp to read this entire post. Tell him it explains exactly how you feels and discuss it once he has read it? Might be easier to let him read alone and that way he won't react immediately on the defense IYKWIM....good luck, I totally agree with you btw

Vixen, when he showed you the text, do you think he was secretly trying to get you to 'forbid' him? I know of lots of men who don't actually like these places but are too chicken to tell their mates because they're boys and therefore a bit thick. They'd love to tell their friends that they can't go because "the missus won't allow it". Sad but true.

Just tell him you don't like them and would rather he didn't go. You never know, he might be relieved!

Nice to know us boys are a bit thick! If I put a post that women were a bit thick that would go down well here wouldn't it....

Grown ups don't need permission, they can do what they like.

If he doesn't want to go he should have a big enough pair to tell his mates.

Lap Dancing is soooo nineties. There must be something newer for the ten's?!

You can't do right for doing wrong on here.

Perhaps Op should take Pole fitness classes?

Alouiseg..... I disagree grown ups do need permission in a partnership to keep that partnership. So whilst permission is possibly the wrong word the consequences of certain actions are forfeiting the relationship.

My DH went on his stag do and without warning his mates sprang a lapdancer on him. She ended up completely naked and was writhing all over him.

He told me about it and said it was the singlemost unerotic experience of his life!!

He has been on other stag do's and simply declined the offer of dances.

I think you should lighten up a touch. If he was really up for such behavior I doubt that he would have shown you the text in the first place

Not in my relationship PP We're adults in an equal partnership........ as equal as a sahm and breadwinner Father can be!

I know of several DHs who say to their DWs they didn't have a dance, it didn't do much for them etc yet they actually did (but said they didn't for an easier time and because they agree to keep quiet what happens on the night)....

Well I would be saying "I have a problem with this" or rather "You clearly have a problem with women if you are prepared to go along with this,and if you want to indulge in sad adolescent fantasies and treat women like toys then that is your choice just as it is my choice to not stay married to a total twonk."

I can understand why you feel so strongly about this for moral reasons but the whole jealousy thing sounds like there are other issues in your relationship and with your self confidence and self esteem.

Although it's obviously a huge issue for you i have to say when dh has gone to these places on stag do's it hasn't bothered me at all. I don't think he's that into them and he just went along because everyone else was going. I think on what particular stag do the majority of blokes there decided it was a horrible place and left after a short while to find somewhere better to drink.

TBH your dp will see scantily dressed women everywhere unless he retreats to a cave for the duration of your relationship. It's unavoidable. I actually find lap dnacing clubs less of an issue than nude sunbathing/near naked young gilrs on a night out as in lap dancing places the intent and purpose is clear and unambigous. It's a job, everyone knows why they are there and the women are getting paid. By entering you are choosing to see people naked and be titillated and they are choosing to do this to you.

I find far more examples of objectification of women in manchester city centre on a saturday night. Women pissed out of their heads wearing next to nothing swearing, leering and generally looking pitiful. It's especially sad in young girls. These women are open to exploitation. I would also argue that this is true for many women in the film and music industry, they are merely record/film company puppets.

"they are choosing to do this to you"

• rarely.

what I mean foureleven is at least you know what you're getting when you enter one of these places. The line is clearer than say if someone stripped off next to me at the beach which in all honesty I WOULD object to. I don't care how gung ho and comfortable you are in your own skin it smacks of narcissim and I don't want to see you naked!

ok OP - stand back - it's not your DP's idea, it's not like he is choosing to go to oggle other woman. If he's not the sort to do this sort of thing of his own back then he'll probably be one of those complaining about the over priced beer, feeling very uncomfortable about the whole thing and hoping they can leave soon and go drink somewhere else.

Talk to him about it. He might have to be the one propping up the bar rather than go somewhere else on his own in a strange city, or there might be a group of them that call it a night. Or if he konws how you feel he might try to sway the others to do something else.

However, the one thing you shouldn't feel is threatened if he loves you - something that false is never anywhere near as sexy as seeing someone you adore naked.

As a younger feminist; my DH and I went to Amsterdam and visited the Red Light District.

I enthused about how Women were liberated, selling their sex (outside a relationship), how it was "better".

Dh sat me in a coffee shop and explained to me ; how it was still expoitation. The windows were owned by Pimps but rented to Women by the hour.

Shit. I'm entirely serious.

I was going to ask for a divorce this evening. Remembering this has pulled me up short.

i would have no problem with the nakedness bit but a MAJOR moral problem with the sex industry. It would be a BIG DEAL between us but not end of relationship stuff

OP _ are there other reasons you are questioning your relationship with your DP?

I haven't got time to read the whole thread (unusually for me...am off away for weekend any moment)

I think I can make a good guess at the mix of responses though

Personally, I would not give one shit what people thought of me. I would be forbidding my husband from attending a lapdancing club, for many different reasons I don't have the time to explain just now.

If I was thought of as a killjoy, controlling, insecure, frigid....who fucking cares.

My Dh knows my response...so would never broach this.

And no, he would not lie and go anyway (he values his marriage more than that)

OP...decide what you are comfortable with and stick to your guns. Do not be guilt-tripped by society's ideas that if you are not up for your husband getting another woman's tits rubbed in his face (and possibly more besides) then it is you with the problem.

it is so not your problem

Personally, I wouldn't tell my DH that he couldn't go but I'd certainly discuss my feelings with him before he went.

I don't think I would ever be able to get over it if DH went to a lapdancing club, not because I disagree with them or that I don't trust him, it's the issues I have about myself that would be the problem.

I would never be able to believe that my DH wasn't comparing a scantily clad, perfect bodied, perfect boobed lapdancer to my saggy, flabby, stretch marked childbearing body and not prefering her to me.

OP you really need to talk to your DH. Don't say nothing and let it get to the stage where you pack his bags. It may be that what your DH says will reassure you or that he may not even want to go.

BloomingFlowers That's quite a lovely post.

as an aside...how does the bride-to-be feel about her future DH being such a misogynist twat ?

interesting one, that

does she know the grubby little plans they have ?

or has she been brainwashed too that "lads will be lads" ?