dp is going on a stag night and the stag wants to go lap dancing, how the hell can i tell dp i have a problem with this without looking like a jealous control freak??

[superv1xen]

ok you lot are going to think i am mad. and, most probably the jealous control freak mentioned in my thread title

i have barely slept last night and i am utterly depressed today.

last night dp's mate text him to ask him to confirm he is going on his stag do in june. (which i have no problem with dp going on btw) to which dp replied yes, then his mate text back something along the lines of "woop woop there will be lapdancing involved"...the reason i know what the texts said is because dp laughingly showed me as if it was funny!

i bit my lip and didn't say anything but i was silently fuming and devastated at the thought that dp could think this ok.

if he so much as goes in one he will come home to his bags packed. seriously, it will end our relationship. and it would be even worse if they went in one and kept it a secret.

i am so against these places, for so many reasons. they are exploitative of women for one but from a personal point of view i AM jealous at the thought of him going in a place like that. would like to think that the only person dp would like to see naked is me. am i naive or what? i love him that much he is the only one i want to see naked in front of me, he is the only one i want to turn me on (because tell me what man wouldnt get turned on by lapdancers?), is it too much to ask to want him to feel the same?

ok i know that while in a relationship it is normal and healthy to find other people attractive but i really think that ogling naked girls and having them shove their tits in his face in a bar is going a step too far.

god i feel sick, i could cry. i am questioning him, i am questioning our whole relationship. we have been together nearly 3 years and have a one year old together, it isn't just a casual thing, sorry to ramble, i dont know what to think

I want to hear more about your story Bloomingflowers...

If thats not too rude.

Thankyou Alouiseg.

You need to tell him how you feel and fast.

Personally I have always never had a problem with dh saying its my fault, i always offer this as an option when he doesn't want to do something.

Tell him how strongly you feel cause he can't do anything about it if you don't tel him.

aww, BF, that is very poignant

mampam - "I would never be able to believe that my DH wasn't comparing a scantily clad, perfect bodied, perfect boobed lapdancer to my saggy, flabby, stretch marked childbearing body and not prefering her to me"

i could have written that myself. its exactly how i feel.

although looking at your profile you look pretty stunning to me so doubt you would need to worry!!

BloomingFlowers

agree with everything mampam said.

OK - I'm a man and before anyone who may have seen some posts I wrote last year points out I'm also a twat in many, many ways - a year ago my wife quite rightly left me because I was emotionally abusive to her and generally selfish and controlling. There we go cards on table.

BUT lap dancing clubs was one of the few areas I wasn't a prick about. I went to 2 during my marriage, one because of a client meeting and one because of being on a stag do.

They are rubbish. What I really hated about them was that the girls there were very pushy and so false - clearly coming over and being complimentary and "interested in the same things" because they were after the dollar bill. I actually asked one of them who claimed to like football to name 5 Liverpool players which didn't go down well and I got told I was rude!

I'm not sure where that leaves the exploitation argument because in my opinion the people being exploited in there are the idiot men who stump up wads of cash to watch a girl who wouldn't really touch them with a barge pole create the illusion that they want them. Not great on either side, but the power is definitely with the girls and the patheticness is definitely with the men.

But it is also objectification and I think that gets glossed over because that's literally everywhere in the modern world (bill boards, magazines, etc, etc, etc).

Anyway the point I want to make is that I think it's very understandable to hate the thought of your partner seeing someone else's goodies. Some people are more ok with that kind of thing than others, but it's not necessarily a bad thing to feel anxious and uncomfortable with it.

However having been in the situation it is also very difficult to lay down the law on a mate's stag do and say "no, I will not do that" and break up the group.

The stag do I was on there were 3 of us who were fundamentally opposed to the idea of going to a lap dancing club because we thought we'd have a lot more fun going somewhere you can drink cheaper and dance. We made our case as compellingly as we could but the majority rule won. So the 3 of us kind of ended up in the place basically treating it as though it was a pub and just chatting while ignoring the initial advances of the girls who got quite quickly that any money to be made from our group wasn't coming from us 3.

I was fortunate that my ex wife wasn't really that bothered and I think actually sympathised a bit with the predicament we'd found ourselves in.

So if you've got a good relationship and your partner is a good man pleaes don't throw it all away over one of these dives because he might not be having the time of his life anyway. While in almost any situation it is right to expect him to respect strong views you have, in the group dynamics of a stag it is hard to go against the grain without offending the stag - yes, men are that weak, yes "boys will be boys" is not good enough, but stag dos are kind of emotional we're celebrating the groom and sticking with him type things.

I would be interested to know if it's similar in hen situations, but that's a different thread.

However if there are other underlying issues in your relationship that might be making you feel worried about the lap dancing prospect then...

i definitely think it is out of order - in actual fact a whole marriage of on of DH's friends broke down - he had told her no lap dancing club - but the best man set it up anyway - so off they went....he didn't tell her until after the wedding. 9 months later, they split up ...trust problems arising from that night being one of the main issues....

since when did it become normal for men about to commit to marriage to deliberately spend time with their faces in another womens lady parts?

I think if i deliberately went out of my way to get a man to wag his knob in my face, DH would be far from unreasonable to be very angry indeed.

interesting post trimmtrabb - I have only been invited to one hen do but what I was under pressure from was the bridezilla factor i.e. "IF ALL OF YOU DON'T COME TO EVERY BIT OF MY HEN DO IT WILL RUIN MY WEDDING WHICH IS A VERY IMPORTANT THING TO ME!" I'm not really a person who has a huge number of friends and got suckered in and upset by the bridezilla - have regretted it since because so many came that she didn't even notice I was there and I found it hard going to last all day and night when very preggers with twins, not to mention leaving my other two with my, not best pleased husband, and the cost of an all day event with expensive food/activities e.t.c. So I will not fall for that one again but I'm not sure I'm representative of the average woman.

Anyfucker - interesting you have mentioned the bride-to-be....she would have a MASSIVE problem with it. i know this because she is a close friend of mine, and in fact, she is how my dp knows the stag (her hubby to be)...she has mentioned it before that she hates the idea of it.

so as far as i know she does not know of his plans ...but knowing her as i do i believe that she will probably try and be all cool about it and pretend she doesn't care which, to me, is even more sad and insecure than admitting you have a problem with it, being so desperate to impress your OH that you will "let" him do something you would hate.

should i say something to her? i think i probably should, but how the hell to broach it?

i made it clear to DH that any such thing would result in no wedding taking place. He doesn't like strip clubs anyway and was glad of the excuse.

I have to say, i think for maried men, and men with children to shove money (that they earn as part of a unit including their Mrs) into another womans knickers is really very wrong. (uness the lady of he house gets to enjoy similar pleasures)

I think you should tell him you don't want him to go.

I have always been 'cool' and laissez faire about such things and I have paid a nasty price. I wish now that I had been clearer about boundaries and about what is and isn't acceptable behaviour.

I think i assumed my otherwise intelligent h would know what is and isn't morally right, but I was wrong and I wish now that I had been clearer and assertive from the start and had just spelt it out.

trimmtrabb writes too much for a real man. Is he in a cab home yet? interlopers are boring.

piss off tripp trapp

I would be the same a mampam. I would be forever thinking my dp was comparing me to these women or fantasising about them. I don't think I am insecure generally but then he doesn't normally have real life contact with near naked women. If he did then i would feel insecure.

However, i wouldn't stop him as such. I would hope he just wouldn't want to(though i suspect he would really).

LeQueen i scrub up well too i think and my dp pays me lots of compliments and tells me I am attractive. I would still feel threatened though - especially if she was 15 yrs younger than me. Men have no shame, even nice ones

Dh is very anti these clubs, on the basis that everyone in them is being exploited (girls, johns) & it's all rather unpleasant.

He's cheerfully told stag groups he's been part of that he'll be in the next bar, & usually at least one other person ends up joining him.

I think it's all a bit grim & I find them fairly repugnant myself. But I wouldn't 'forbid' dh to go to a lapdancing bar if he were so minded.

We both do stuff that's been the subject of 'oh no I wouldn't allow that' threads in the past, eg. dh attending a wedding & subsequently sharing a room with a female friend, me still having close friendships with a couple of ex-bfs. I think we both instinctively recoil from the language of 'permission' used between equal partners.

That said, I'd have no hesitation in saying that I thought any man - especially a father of dds - who crossed the threshold of one of these bars, was a misogynist scuzz.

Don't care if you're just popping in for an overpriced drink because you think it's rude to the stag not to. You're contributing to the increased cultural acceptability of something that's actually quite poisonous.

LeQueen - am pretty sure I've seen supervixen on a Style and Beauty thread where she mentioned that she's 30 and a size 6 so I suspect she scrubs up pretty well too .

I would not be impressed if DH went to a lap dancing club because they're seedy and as I mentioned earlier the impact they have on women in the surrounding area.

LeQ, how would you feel though, if , when your little girls are grown up, he was going to see young women of their age writhe around sexually?

The thought of my DH sitting oglingwatching women of our DD's age ( 20 now) is quite sickening.
We regularly have a houseful of young (gorgeous) women mooching around in tiny outfits or shortie pj's, if he was thinking of them in any other way than as young "girls" like DD, I'd be unpleasantly surprised. The fact that they are entirely comfortable around him suggests that
he's behaving in a "fatherly" manner towards them and nothing else.
I've seen the male attention my DD and her mates get when I drop them in town in all their (scantily clad) finery, some men old enough to know better behave really inappropriately towards them. They are the kind of men I can imagine in lap dancing bars - sad old pervy men who have no respect for women.

I think a man who is so weak that he goes to these clubs and gets ripped off while knowing that's happening, just in order not to be embarrassed in front of his mates (who would probably be more likely to wish they'd had the balls to say "nah - not up for it, sorry, I'm against it on principle") is deeply, deeply unsexy. I'm not sure he'd ever be able to make me come again. Therefore, it would be an incredibly big deal, because it would ruin my sex life.

Talk to him about how you feel and ask him if he wants to be part of the problem or part of the solution. These clubs contribute to a climate of hatred of women, IE YOU, does he want to support that? If he doesn't, tell him to find some cojones.

Malificence,

I totally 'get' what you are saying about your dp and your dd's friends, but sadly i do think some men do fancy girls who are that young and they could be their fathers. I don't think they are necessarily rthe 'pervy' types either.

Us women maybe fancy younger men too but it really is usually only a fantasy. Men I think, would take it further if they were able.

Also I meant to say that I think its so, so different when women see a male stripper. It'S USUALLY a bit of a joke in my experience/opinion and The women aren't turned on the way blokes are. It's more like a comedy 'get 'em off!' kinda way, whereas men probably take it a bit more serious in the way that would really like to shag them