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Original poster

How do I explain in the nicest way possible - It's not me, it's your mother?

195 replies

SilverBoots · 17/04/2010 14:42

I'm 39 & DH is 59, I've 2 teenage sons from my previous marriage. DH hasn't been married before.

I am close to my family, DH is very close to his, especially his mum, to the point that their relationship takes priority over the relationship he has with me, my children & our 6 yo DS - early morning phone calls, holidays together, MIL insistence that she loves being with 'her boy' etc. She has 4 other children who live within a 50 mile radius of her, we live 200+ miles away.

It's becoming more & more of a problem with DH often driving the 200 miles to take her to doctors appointments (she has a bad back), take her car to the garage (that's where he is now). Our time as a family is limited due to our lifestyle & work commitments, we see each other at weekends & maybe a couple of evenings during the week.

I recently had a mmc, the mc started a few days before we were due to go on holiday. I stayed at home with the children, DH went on holiday with his mum - he didn't want to let her down (she knew about the mc).

I tend to be very blunt when I explain things, DH is more sensitive & prefers things to be wrapped in ribbons & bows. I need to tell him (again) that he is neglecting his family, his mum needs to realise that he can't drop everything to be with her, he's married, has commitments, a family of his own now. How do I get through to him in a non blunt way??

(friends comments have been - give him a kick, take a lover, suggest he moves in with his mum!)

OP posts:
Jazzicatz · 17/04/2010 14:54

In my experience of this there is nothing you can do. If by the age of 59 he hasn't cut the apron strings, I cannot imagine he will start now.

dizzydixies · 17/04/2010 14:56

christ almighty and he's 59 tell him to behave, grow up and let his siblings take their turn

so sorry about your loss and his terrible inconsiderate way of helping you through it

mumblechum · 17/04/2010 14:59

Only silver cloud is that if he's 59, she must be in her eighties so maybe not around for much longer?

Shitemum · 17/04/2010 15:02

yes, she'll be deid soon but agree his siblings should take a turn

thumbwitch · 17/04/2010 15:08

Is he the youngest or the oldest? His sibs should definitely take a turn, perhaps you could suggest to him that he is being both selfish and greedy to "hog" his mother in that fashion, rather than allowing them to share.

He is being a twat, to be blunt - and his mother must be either somewhat vindictive or very jealous to have insisted on taking him away from you after your MMC. for you re that, it's not pleasant and you should have had their full support at that time.

With petrol prices the way they are at the moment, can you suggest that he looks at how much these duty trips are costing your family and are they really worth it when she has 4 other children who could do it instead?

Good luck with it - I hate the thought of Mummy's boys, especially at the age yours is - he should have cut the umbilicus a long time since.

Original poster
SilverBoots · 17/04/2010 15:25

He's DC3 out of 5!

He didn't seem to be like this when we first met, it's been a gradual thing. MIL seems to have preference for DH over her other DCs, which I think DH enjoys.

I overheard a conversation between the two of them a while ago in which he referred to himself as a 'naughty boy' for not phoning her back .

OP posts:
thumbwitch · 17/04/2010 15:40

He's a lost cause. Tell him it's her or you and threaten to leave.
No, I'm being facetious - of course you shouldn't do that. But he does have to realise that he is being unfair to you, his family, and that he will do potentially lasting damage to his relationships with you all over his desire to remain The Favoured One with his mother.

Just as a matter of interest, has she always favoured him or does she rotate it around each of the sibs?

Original poster
SilverBoots · 17/04/2010 16:16

Yes, he has always been the 'favoured one'.

I have lots of respect for men who love their mums, but this is a bit on the obsessive side. I think DH loves the idea of having a wife & family, but doesn't put the hours in as it were.

OP posts:
LoveBeingAMummy · 17/04/2010 16:19

HOw about making it black and white? On some paper literally mark out days/hours then pick a colour for work and colour for family and a colour for his mum (I suggest red for this one) and then show him how he is spending his time. I can tell you fro pwesonal experience if the other children don't start doing their bit that when she comes to an age where everyting has to be done for her you will find it hard to get them to step up to the mark and may find her moving in!

Original poster
SilverBoots · 17/04/2010 17:01

Coloured pens at the ready ... I actually did something similar last year but it was so depressing. Black and white doesn't work for DH (too agressive).

DH has just phoned to say he won't be back until monday now . I'm not sure if its conscious effort on MIL behalf to drive us apart, don't know what that would achieve. I did make a comment about DHs drinking months ago (bottle of red a day) to her so maybe that was a spanner in the works - he can do no wrong in her eyes, whereas I'm probably a bit too honest .

OP posts:
thehillsarealive · 17/04/2010 17:11

are you sure it is his Mother that he is with?

Original poster
SilverBoots · 17/04/2010 17:39

thehillsarealive - I know, I know but yes I'm 100% sure! In some ways it would be easier if the OW was actually an OW & not his mother!

This is how it went a couple of days before we were due to go on holiday -

me - I think I'm starting to mc
DH - I have to pick my mum up to go on holiday
me - I think you should stay here, I won't be able to go
DH - So I'm expected to wait around for you to mc? They have hospitals where we are going.
me - I can't go
DH - I need a holiday
me - I don't want to flush my baby down a hotel toilet I want to be at home
DH - Thanks for that there's no need to be so agressive

I admit, I could have worded it in a nicer way (hormones), but this is just one example of DHs priorities & I don't think we are very high up on the list.

OP posts:
DuelingFanjo · 17/04/2010 17:51

I think it's awful that you asked him outright to stay with you while you miscarried and he refused

diddl · 17/04/2010 18:02

Yea Gods!
If he treated me like that I wouldn´t be ärsed about whether I was telling him nicely or not!

It sounds as if he doesn´t give a shit & his mum is the perfect excuse!

Original poster
SilverBoots · 17/04/2010 18:09

Seeing it written down in black and white I am wondering where the kick ass woman I used to be has gone.

OP posts:
30andMerkin · 17/04/2010 18:18

I'm sorry, but this is presumably your first attempt at a child together??!! And he won't be there for you?? (not that it's any better or worse if it's your first miscarriage, nor your 20th, and if it's your first attempt at TTCing or 100th, but you see my point).

Massive, ginormous, clanging alarm bells would be ringing here for me.

It's not his mother, it's him. He needs a serious, black and white, ultimatum in my book.

30andMerkin · 17/04/2010 18:19

Sorry, have re-read and see you have a 6yo DS.
Not sure if that makes his disinterest better or worse. Worse, if it translates into disinterest in the child you already have together.

WhyFrank · 17/04/2010 18:46

SilverBoots, I'm so sorry, that's an awful way for him to have reacted to your mc

He seriously needs to get his priorities sorted.

(Can I just ask what happens when you're "too blunt"? He doesn't sound like a very sensitive person, so I'm struggling to make it add up...)

PfftTheMagicDragon · 17/04/2010 18:54

Maybe you should talk to her?

If you are blunt, and there is no relationship between the two of you to save, maybe it's worth a go?

I mean, you shouldn't have to (and she will be dead soon), he should sort it out. But I see you as having options:

-accept that he is not going to change, put up with it, wait her out.

-confront him, give him an ultimatum. This might go your way, but given the miscarriage situation I doubt it.

-Speak to her, ask her what her intentions are, does she want to break you up, is she secretly in love with him. Tell her that she needs to be sharing out her special brand of love with all of her children.

Saying all of this though, I'm not sure how much I would want a man all to myself that went on holiday with his mother while I was miscarrying our baby.

skidoodly · 17/04/2010 18:55

He is a prick and a weirdo

gramercy · 17/04/2010 19:02

This is the worst thing I've heard for quite some while. You MUST take some action, OP. Otherwise can you imagine what it will be like when she starts to ail and has more wrong with her than just a bad back? It will be a thorough nightmare.

skidoodly · 17/04/2010 19:02

There is no point in talking to her

the (big, enormous) problem is with him

his reaction to your miscarriage was cruel and he has somehow silenced your demands for being treated properly and with love by convincing you of this shite about how you are too blunt.

So he treats you like shit, but it's your fault he doesn't stop because you are aren't asking in the style he prefers.

Get your bluntness back. You need it.

whifflegarden · 17/04/2010 19:05

I wouldn't speak to Mil about it as going from what you've said she'll likely make the situation worse. She'll do it more and probably accuse you of trying to ruin her relationship with her son, then DH will side with her arrgghhhh, you see where I'm going.

Do you think he values you and the family but doesn't understand what it means to be a husband/father? Or do you really think as mentioned that he's only in love with idea of family. If the former then this can be resolved. If latter then you have to ask yourself if this is what you're prepared to settle for.

TheSteelFairy2 · 17/04/2010 19:05

I am sorry but I do not believe that man who reponds like that to his partner having an MC can actually love her.

It seems to me to coin an SGB phrase that he sees you as no more than a part of the furnishings and takes you completely for granted. How else could he look at the woman he supposedly loves as she miscarries and whine "but I need a holiday".?

It is NOT his Mother it is him. Let his mother have him.

whifflegarden · 17/04/2010 19:08

x post ski
yes, he's making excuses for his behaviour.
You need to discuss this with him and if he's not ready to start making changes, and you put up with it, what happens when he decides he no longer wants the family.