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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

How do I explain in the nicest way possible - It's not me, it's your mother?

195 replies

SilverBoots · 17/04/2010 14:42

I'm 39 & DH is 59, I've 2 teenage sons from my previous marriage. DH hasn't been married before.

I am close to my family, DH is very close to his, especially his mum, to the point that their relationship takes priority over the relationship he has with me, my children & our 6 yo DS - early morning phone calls, holidays together, MIL insistence that she loves being with 'her boy' etc. She has 4 other children who live within a 50 mile radius of her, we live 200+ miles away.

It's becoming more & more of a problem with DH often driving the 200 miles to take her to doctors appointments (she has a bad back), take her car to the garage (that's where he is now). Our time as a family is limited due to our lifestyle & work commitments, we see each other at weekends & maybe a couple of evenings during the week.

I recently had a mmc, the mc started a few days before we were due to go on holiday. I stayed at home with the children, DH went on holiday with his mum - he didn't want to let her down (she knew about the mc).

I tend to be very blunt when I explain things, DH is more sensitive & prefers things to be wrapped in ribbons & bows. I need to tell him (again) that he is neglecting his family, his mum needs to realise that he can't drop everything to be with her, he's married, has commitments, a family of his own now. How do I get through to him in a non blunt way??

(friends comments have been - give him a kick, take a lover, suggest he moves in with his mum!)

OP posts:
mumblechum · 17/04/2010 19:10

Sounds to me like a lot of the problem is that he was very old (relatively speaking) when he got into the husband/father role, ie he had half a century of living as a mummy's boy, whereas most men would have been leaving home & forming relationships in their late teens/early twenties.

He has simply found it impossible to evolve.

Original poster
SilverBoots · 17/04/2010 19:13

WhyFrank - me being too blunt ... I just say it how it is, talk before I think - not very diplomatic. I've always had to put on the 'gaffer tape' when talking to DHs family. My northern roots I suppose?!

In other words, what my family & friends would find funny, DHs family would see as 'foot in mouth' & fall over in shock & horror ie them - 'Mrs x has been away for a long time' me 'oh, what was she in for .. oh '

So there is a bit of a problem language wise. Whenever I tell DH how I feel he thinks I'm attacking him, the mc being the most recent example.

OP posts:
dittany · 17/04/2010 19:15

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

whifflegarden · 17/04/2010 19:19

Silver, he's using that as an excuse. How long did this man know you before you were married? You didn't suddenly become blunt did you.
Don't let him get away with it. He'll treat you like a door mat over and over again until he decides he doesn't like the idea of having a family anymore.

skidoodly · 17/04/2010 19:20

"So there is a bit of a problem language wise. Whenever I tell DH how I feel he thinks I'm attacking him, the mc being the most recent example."

Whatever kind of problem you have, it is most definitely not about language.

Can't you see how utterly appalling it is to say to someone having a miscarriage "so I'm supposed to sit around waiting for you to miscarry"?

He treated your miscarriage as nothing more than an imposition, your pain, your emotional distress as an irrelevance.

THAT is an attack. His behaviour in the example you gave is vicious.

How can you have been convinced by him that YOU attacked HIM?

ATinofBiscuits · 17/04/2010 19:21

Your Dh is using his mother as a tactic to avoid being with you and his family. Why is that? He needs therapy/counselling to address this, you know that don't you?

The real question is why are you willing to put up with this, and for how much longer? Would you be happy to be like this until his mother dies? I reckon he would find something else to avoid.

I would be very resentful towards him.

Original poster
SilverBoots · 17/04/2010 19:21

I can't talk to MIL. I know where your going whifflegarden. I don't think he knows how to be a husband/father.

At the time of the mc, I thought it's his decision to make. He made the wrong one. I wasn't going to force the issue.

OP posts:
mmrsceptic · 17/04/2010 19:22

oh how appalling

plan things and go, you sound like you have a lot of support outside the marriage

gawd am not normally the "leave him" type but this is awful that conversation made my eyes water, am so sorry for your loss

What a creep. (Scuse, I know it's your partner we're talking about.) You'll be expected to look after his mum when she needs it you know.

He's spectacularly self-centred. He won't notice you planning to leave so you can probably take your time over it.

Alternatively if you want to keep this family together I would take a lover but that is very wicked. I know it's very wicked.

dittany · 17/04/2010 19:29

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

mathanxiety · 17/04/2010 19:30

The problem isn't language. The problem isn't his mother.

The problem is that you're not the number one woman in this man's life and never will be.

What part of "I think I'm starting to mc" gave him the idea that you were attacking him?

Does he expect you to miscarry at a more convenient time, give him advance warning in writing? If you have no right, essentially to have feelings, then you are being treated very, very badly.

Really, old dogs don't learn new tricks unless they're forced to. While he's away, I suggest you send him a text telling him that his things will be on the front lawn waiting for him to pick up on Monday. I'm sure mummy will welcome him back with open arms. If he wants you and thinks he may have done something to warrant being thrown out, and is at all curious about how to mend the relationship, there can follow some sort of negotiations between the two of you. But he has to actively choose. Tell him the ball is in his court.

Original poster
SilverBoots · 17/04/2010 19:33

I think I've lost sight of who I am.

Its my second mc in 6 months. While I was having the one in oct, he invited his nephew over to lunch. He had just moved to town, started a new job, didn't know anyone, wanted to make him feel welcome etc. I just sat there & didn't say very much. Stupid.

I've also lost sight of what's 'normal'.

OP posts:
dittany · 17/04/2010 19:36

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Lutyens · 17/04/2010 19:36

You were starting to mc and your dh insisted on going on holiday? And then convinced you that you were at fault?

Ye Gads SilverBoots. Can you not see how insensitively you've been treated?

Lots of good advice on this thread. I wish I could add to it, but I'm not very good at subtle relationship stuff. Just wanted to say that you were definitely not in the wrong! I can't believe any man would abandon his miscarrying wife to take his mum on holiday. And the mum would go too! Is she not a woman? So for you

mathanxiety · 17/04/2010 19:36

and for you, Silverboots.

You're being silenced and made invisible by this man. And treated like dirt. He has no respect for you at all.

mumblechum · 17/04/2010 19:41

Please don't jump on me for this, but are you sure you should be trying for another child with this guy?

Apart from everything everyone else has said, at 59 he's old enough to be the child's grandfather or even great grandfather.

LoveBeingAMummy · 17/04/2010 19:45

Silver I've just come back from putting dd to bed and have to say i am very shocked by the convo re your mc'ing. I can't actually offer any advice atm as i am finding it hard to process what he did. I would have said exactly the say as you, but probably ended it with a don't bother coming back if you go.

dittany · 17/04/2010 19:49

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster
SilverBoots · 17/04/2010 19:58

mumblechum - I would love to have had another child but now realise that it isn't going to happen. When I buried the 'remains' in the garden last week, I buried hopes for future babies.

The thing is, DH is so caring & considerate towards other people.

OP posts:
mumblechum · 17/04/2010 19:59

for you SilverBoots.

ATinofBiscuits · 17/04/2010 20:02

I am so, so, sorry Silver.

mmrsceptic · 17/04/2010 20:09

Silver, the first mc .. jeez.

It's not normal. Jeez what a cunt.

swallowedAfly · 17/04/2010 20:10

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Message withdrawn

LadyLapsang · 17/04/2010 20:15

I came on this thread expecting someone just letting off steam about their MIL, but how wrong I was! SilverBoots so sorry for your loss and that this has been exacerbated by your husband's crual actions and words.

To be honest I would be surprised is he will change a lot. Is there any potential in one of his siblings trying to point out the error in his ways and taking over with MIL while he concentrates more on you and your family.

whifflegarden · 17/04/2010 20:20

So sorry for you too Silver. He sounds like he has no regard for your feelings. And you're probably not at your best after the miscarriages hence losing sight of who you are. It's easy for him to prey on you in this fragile state.

silentcatastrophe · 17/04/2010 20:21

So sorry about your mcs. YOur h is married to his mum. Nothing there will change, even when she dies, presumably before he does. Get as much help and support for yourself and your future!