How do I explain in the nicest way possible - It's not me, it's your mother?

[SilverBoots]

I'm 39 & DH is 59, I've 2 teenage sons from my previous marriage. DH hasn't been married before.

I am close to my family, DH is very close to his, especially his mum, to the point that their relationship takes priority over the relationship he has with me, my children & our 6 yo DS - early morning phone calls, holidays together, MIL insistence that she loves being with 'her boy' etc. She has 4 other children who live within a 50 mile radius of her, we live 200+ miles away.

It's becoming more & more of a problem with DH often driving the 200 miles to take her to doctors appointments (she has a bad back), take her car to the garage (that's where he is now). Our time as a family is limited due to our lifestyle & work commitments, we see each other at weekends & maybe a couple of evenings during the week.

I recently had a mmc, the mc started a few days before we were due to go on holiday. I stayed at home with the children, DH went on holiday with his mum - he didn't want to let her down (she knew about the mc).

I tend to be very blunt when I explain things, DH is more sensitive & prefers things to be wrapped in ribbons & bows. I need to tell him (again) that he is neglecting his family, his mum needs to realise that he can't drop everything to be with her, he's married, has commitments, a family of his own now. How do I get through to him in a non blunt way??

(friends comments have been - give him a kick, take a lover, suggest he moves in with his mum!)

Oh, I'm really glad you were able to confide in your mum. I hope she'll be able to give you some support.

I really feel for you and am thinking of you lots. (Sorry if that seems a bit stalker-ish, but your H's behaviour is so shocking to me. One of my dearest friends escaped from a hellish marriage to a man with (probably) an NPD, and I wish I could have helped her so much more than I did, but she was too afraid to tell me how bad things were.)

What makes you think your H may be aware of this thread? Please get away from him quickly if the situation is as scary as it sounds. I'll happily to give you my email address if you want to delete the thread but carry on talking. How will I know you're ok otherwise?

SilverBoots, I'm so glad you've opened up to someone in RL as well as here, and hope you feel able to make the break soon.

SB just saw this was active again and want you to know I'm thinking of you -- and also see your other thread about the 'calpol' situation . Wishing you courage.

Very glad you've been able to tell your mum and now hopefully you'll feel more able to reach out to WA.

Sh*t, SB, I've just scanned the Calpol thread. I'm speechless. And no doubt there's plenty more that you haven't shared

Rooting for you.

SB, just read both threads and I think you are very brave. Stay strong x

SB - I'm so glad you were able to talk to your mum. This can be the beginning of a new way of living for you and your dcs.

Good luck with WA. Delete the thread if you need to. Why not name change again and keep posting. Alternatively, if you do a search, I know you'll find threads full of fantastic, practical advice about things to do/find out when you are considering leaving an abusive partner.

Be kind to yourself, and keep talking to your mum. xx

Thanks whyfrank for the offer of email contact. You are too kind but I feel I have burdened enough people with my bad things. I need to stop.

Feeling very fragile, DS3 is having nightmares (shouting out in the night)& has told me something very disturbing regarding 'D'H. I won't go into details.

WA is helpful, but it's a slow process.

Thanks all for all your help.

Forgot to say - whyfrank - I hope your friend is OK now, its a horrible situation to be in & I expect it's frustrating for friends to witness.

Like a game of squash, just when you gain some perspective, you get smashed against a wall.

I have my perspective. When H was ranting at me, our eyes locked for a few seconds & I knew that he knew I'd sussed it. Game over.

Just read this thread all the way through. "I feel I have burdened enough people with my bad things. I need to stop."

Now is the time to accept every bit of support on offer, without feeling guilty. When you have come through all this and got your life back again you can be the one offering support to other people. But for now, don't feel you have to be strong on your own and take the support - you need it. Good luck.

Nobody feels burdened, SB, honestly. You're doing amazingly, and have every right to feel fragile. Please look after yourself as well as you can, and keep your strength up for when you need it most.

Poor DS3 Really sorry to hear he's struggling. How are the other DSs?

Hoping for a happier time for you all as soon as is humanly possible.

Sorry, SB, crossed posts.

That's so kind of you to ask about my friend. She's wonderfully well, actually. An inspiration. And her DDs are happy and thriving too. It wasn't until she had left and was suddenly her old self again that I realised how awful the previous years must have been. It was like two different people

Listen, though, if your H has sussed that the game is over, things might well get even nastier. Please be careful and don't hesitate to go with your instinct if it tells you to leave quickly.

Thinking of you.

Just another one wanting to offer support, pleease don't feel as if you're burdening anyone by posting on here.

Please be careful, I second WhyFrank in saying that if you feel you need to leave quickly, just do it. Esp after reading your lasty post on the Calpol thread about your 'D'H going to pick up your DS from school. That would really worry me.

If you're worried about him seeing these threads, I'd go to a computer cafe and do a lot of password changing. Your H sounds very devious and I'd want to be really careful.

Also thinking of you, please don't hesitate to use this thread (or any thread) for as much support as you need. Also, keep your mum in the loop. Her support will be invaluble.

Keep your antennae out and operating at all times, SB. I second what WhyFrank and WilloughbyWallaby have said.

This is a bit like jumping on the back of a tiger for you right now.

Hi SilverBoots, hope you're ok this morning. Have you managed to talk to a solicitor/CAB yet? Especially about your DH picking DS up from school (other thread).

How are things, SB?

Silverboots - just want to say I'm thinking of you

Just read this, i hope you are Ok /silver boots. You sounds incredibly strong, i hope everything goes well for you and your boys xx

Stay strong, you know you will get a wealth of support here

Are you there, SB? Thinking of you and hoping you're safe and making progress in a good direction.

How are you doing SB?