How do I explain in the nicest way possible - It's not me, it's your mother?

[SilverBoots]

I'm 39 & DH is 59, I've 2 teenage sons from my previous marriage. DH hasn't been married before.

I am close to my family, DH is very close to his, especially his mum, to the point that their relationship takes priority over the relationship he has with me, my children & our 6 yo DS - early morning phone calls, holidays together, MIL insistence that she loves being with 'her boy' etc. She has 4 other children who live within a 50 mile radius of her, we live 200+ miles away.

It's becoming more & more of a problem with DH often driving the 200 miles to take her to doctors appointments (she has a bad back), take her car to the garage (that's where he is now). Our time as a family is limited due to our lifestyle & work commitments, we see each other at weekends & maybe a couple of evenings during the week.

I recently had a mmc, the mc started a few days before we were due to go on holiday. I stayed at home with the children, DH went on holiday with his mum - he didn't want to let her down (she knew about the mc).

I tend to be very blunt when I explain things, DH is more sensitive & prefers things to be wrapped in ribbons & bows. I need to tell him (again) that he is neglecting his family, his mum needs to realise that he can't drop everything to be with her, he's married, has commitments, a family of his own now. How do I get through to him in a non blunt way??

(friends comments have been - give him a kick, take a lover, suggest he moves in with his mum!)

SB, the thing that strikes me is how calm and capable you are, coping with two mcs and an unsupportive partner. Given your obvious strength, I'm not sure why you would want to be with such a weak man, so totally lacking in empathy.

I'm sorry if it's not what you want to hear but send him back to his mum!

This sounds awful. Before packing your bags, tempting though it is in this situation. Have you tried Relate? Maybe with someone in the middle as you both speak, that will help him to realise you're not being aggressive or difficult or whatever he may think, but the counselor/ mediator will help him to "listen" to what you're trying to say. It may help him to finally have a reality check.

If you cannot find a way to agree on what is reasonable behaviour, it is going to eat away at your marriage more and more.

Is it already affecting how you behave when he is home? I'd be getting very resentful and possibly making waspish comments often about it if it was me by now. Which would probably drive him into his mothers arms more.

I'm not an expert here but it's always worth a shot with Relate to see if it finally helps him to realise.

This situation cannot continue though. Sending you very un-mn hugs x

"You're being silenced and made invisible by this man."

Well said mathanx

Also this very insightful from swallow

"you were not aggressive! to be honest i find your response very passive and if even that level of passivity is not enough for him then this man expects you to ask or expect absolutely nothing of him."

Silver

So sorry for what you're going through

Two miscarriages in six months is rough going. To have them treated as nothing must be terribly painful.

It's not worth a shot at Relate if the relationship is abusive, and this sounds an abusive set up to me.

I'm not an expert on abuse but I always think marriage counseling is worth a try before leaving, especially if there are children involved (one DC age 6). Providing it's not domestic violence obviously.

DH doesn't believe in counselling (he has his mother to talk to )

this thread reminds me of the quote about being called a bitch when expressing any sentiment that differentiates one from a doormat....

agree with SAF and others - you really don't sound blunt at all, you are pussyfooting around him. it's ever so easy for some to claim "sensitivity" as an excuse to prioritise one's own feelings over another's.....

is this abuse? I honestly don't know - but certainly he is being very neglectful at the very least.

I agree Skidoodly -- I think it's emotional abuse, which is domestic violence despite the lack of bruises.

I wouldn't leave -- I'd throw him out instead.

Just a quick post, having only read op (sorry!).

"I tend to be very blunt when I explain things, DH is more sensitive & prefers things to be wrapped in ribbons & bows." - although you've not said this is the main problem, you might find it useful to know that this is specifically a male/ female thing - typically men are more sensitive to negative comments and feel threatened by them in a way that women typically don't - often we can't predict what we say/ do that will make them feel 'attacked'. Apparently they actually experience the hormonal changes which are similar to the fight or flight response (IIRC), so they actually, physically feel overwhelmed in a way that they can't control. This comes from a very reliable source, a female friend who knows all about this stuff for her work. It pisses us both off - why the hell can't men just deal with it? But then we end up conceding that we should probably work with this aspect of our partners' make-up.

Anyway, apart from that I'm sure you've received very good advice from other posters...and I'm really sorry to hear about your MC and the way your DP has responded to it.

So sorry to hear of all the hurt you have gone through.

You say your DH is caring and considerate of others - that might be, but obviously the strain of being a husband and father in day to day reality is too much for him. It is easy to be generous and kind to family or friends when the control is all yours - you set the boundaries and help when you want. And you look good and feel good.

Being married and a parent is relentlessly different. Often unthanked and hard, hard work. A lot you do is unseen and it's much harder to be caring. You don't get the same space as being single and you aren't cared for the same way as when you were the child.

I can't see why he would change - as others have said he is showing no signs of seeing you as a full person with valid emotions and needs. If he cannot support you when you are losing a pregnancy then what would he wake up for?

I really feel for your son but he is 6 and will be noticing how unloved you are. This situation will really affect him if it doesn't change.

No matter how much your DH might want to be a good father and husband he really doesn't seem to be able to. At 59 I don't think he will learn either.

SilversBoots, I could cry thinking about what you've been through recently and how much worse your husband's terrible behaviour must have made it for you. I'm glad you can see that your perspective on what is "normal" in a relationship might be skewed. Please listen to what people are saying on this thread. The drinking sounds bad enough on its own TBH.

How do you think the relationship has come to be the way it is now? How was it to start with, and was there a definable point at which it changed?

The language thing is almost irrelevant in the face of his appalling lack of empathy IMO, but what you said about the north/south communication differences reminded me of my mum. She has Black Country roots and has often said she feels misunderstood or at a disadvantage in the "communication culture" of the South.

Thinking of you.

Oh - and perhaps the fact that your DH hasn't been married before is significant - has he been in a committed relationship before yours, where he's had to share his life/ everything?

Sorry, I wanted to be helpful but am now seeing posts here about you possibly leaving him due to emotional abuse...I have to dash otherwise I'd read this whole thread properly. I hope I haven't said anything out of turn, if so I apologise profusely...will try to come back another day to give your thread more attention.

Best of luck.

"typically men are more sensitive to negative comments and feel threatened by them in a way that women typically don't"

PMSL

How convenient

Men's hormonal responses mean we need to tiptoe around them and make sure they never feel "attacked" but women will have to keep on putting up with being told we are irrational because of our hormonal responses, but that's OK because we don't get a fight or flight response when someone says something we don't like.

SilverB, what are you going to do?

Silver, first let me say - I'm so sorry for your losses. My heart goes out to you.

The thing that shocked me the most about your H's reaction to the tragedy of your miscarriages? They were his babies too. And he truly didn't seem to care. What kind of a person must he be to see the loss of his future child as an inconvenience which disrupts his holiday plans?

I know I'm not the first to say this, but - I don't think the problem is his mother, I think the problem is him. His attitude to you and to the babies you both lost has genuinely shocked me.

What is his behaviour like to your children? How supportive was he when the child you have together with him was born? The answers to these questions may help you in considering how to move forward.

I think I saw counselling suggested further up the thread. Can I suggest you consider this seriously? If not together, then for yourself, so that you can decide if and how you want to continue in this relationship.

Again, I'm so sorry for the losses you've suffered and I wish you all the best.

I'm back - DH is busy putting up birthing pool (test-run) so I've now read the whole thread.

I agree that your DH does sound spectacularly self-centred. You said that he's incredibly caring towards others - this makes his horrible reaction towards your mcs all the more astonishing. I may be wrong, but it does remind me a little of the behaviour of men on the abusive spectrum - not that I'm calling him an 'abuser' as such, but it's common behaviour for men on this spectrum to be loving, charming and affable with people outside the home, and quite the opposite with people in their homes. Does this ring any bells?

Although I wrote earlier about the male/ female brain thing, when you said your DH felt 'attacked' by you asking him to stay while you were miscarrying, that is quite a different matter altogether. That just sounds childish and self-centred, and as though he's trying to avoid you controlling him. Which means that either (a) he's been used to doing things his way for many, many years and now he is unwilling to make any changes in order to build a strong relationship, or that (b) you perhaps are on the controlling side. You're a better judge of which of those two options is true (or it could be a combination of the two), however, based on what you've said about him already, I'd place my money on (a).

As for his relationship with his mother - I think the people who've said earlier that it probably won't change, are right. Sadly.

Why did you get together with/ marry him? Did you notice any signs of this behaviour early on? I'm just curious, and trying to build a picture of your relationship. I'm also wondering whether you think you don't deserve better than this.

skidoodly - re men/ hormones, etc - yup, this is why I said it pisses me and my friend off. I'm still trying to find a way to address this without going down the 'treading on eggshells' route because, frankly, I think men who feel attacked so easily by basically nothing need to grow up.

dittany - Mars/ Venus is definitely NOT my friend's source of this information!

Am very sorry for your losses, Silver , had a lump in my throat when you spoke about burying the remains in the garden. And am so very sorry you were left alone during this time

This thread seems less about your MIL, than about your dh.

What are your thought now?

With the greatest respect to Speedy, IMVHO it sounds like a look of boll**ks

lot

it does have the look of bollocks about it all right

Thanks for all your advice.

I suppose there have been some aspects to DHs behaviour that have been a bit 'odd' in the past, but I'm no saint either.

DH & his mum seem to need each other in a way that I can't understand & that won't change. But I can change how I react to it. Not sure yet how to though.

I think you need to kick him out, it is not normal