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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

How do I explain in the nicest way possible - It's not me, it's your mother?

195 replies

SilverBoots · 17/04/2010 14:42

I'm 39 & DH is 59, I've 2 teenage sons from my previous marriage. DH hasn't been married before.

I am close to my family, DH is very close to his, especially his mum, to the point that their relationship takes priority over the relationship he has with me, my children & our 6 yo DS - early morning phone calls, holidays together, MIL insistence that she loves being with 'her boy' etc. She has 4 other children who live within a 50 mile radius of her, we live 200+ miles away.

It's becoming more & more of a problem with DH often driving the 200 miles to take her to doctors appointments (she has a bad back), take her car to the garage (that's where he is now). Our time as a family is limited due to our lifestyle & work commitments, we see each other at weekends & maybe a couple of evenings during the week.

I recently had a mmc, the mc started a few days before we were due to go on holiday. I stayed at home with the children, DH went on holiday with his mum - he didn't want to let her down (she knew about the mc).

I tend to be very blunt when I explain things, DH is more sensitive & prefers things to be wrapped in ribbons & bows. I need to tell him (again) that he is neglecting his family, his mum needs to realise that he can't drop everything to be with her, he's married, has commitments, a family of his own now. How do I get through to him in a non blunt way??

(friends comments have been - give him a kick, take a lover, suggest he moves in with his mum!)

OP posts:
dittany · 17/04/2010 22:18

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

DinahRod · 17/04/2010 22:22

What does he bring to the relationship?

Original poster
SilverBoots · 17/04/2010 22:24

I thought I was being a cow in how I had behaved towards him. Not so sure now.

OP posts:
giveitago · 17/04/2010 22:27

Oh silver - so sorry.

It's not your linguistic approach it's his approach to family and to you.

My dh similar but no where as bad and I feel so down trodden and numb.

How can this person call himself and man, a husband and father.

What are you going to do? YOu say you can change your responses to it - sounds like you've supported your family well throughout this but what will you do now?

Original poster
SilverBoots · 17/04/2010 22:27

What does he bring to the relationship?

Empty promises.

OP posts:
skidoodly · 17/04/2010 22:27

What did you do that you thought was so bad?

Really curious, because the conversation you described is quite chilling in how appallingly he treated you and how little you stuck up for yourself.

whifflegarden · 17/04/2010 22:30

Silver Yes marriage is give and take, and sometimes you give more than you take. But it's not about how you react to it, no matter what you do he will be the same. If you change the way you reract to it, he'll find something else to pick on and use as an excuse for his behaviour.

He has treated you very very badly, at a time when you needed him most. He has been heartless, cruel, what makes you think he'll change? This may not be what you want to hear but this is emotional abuse. I'm not going to say kick him out now, but if he doesn't change the way he treats you, then I would be seriously considering my options. You deserve so much more than this. What would you say to your DD if her husband was treating her like this?

Also, how is he with the DCs?

whifflegarden · 17/04/2010 22:32

What could you have possibly done for him to be so cruel to you not once, but twice when you were going through the awful experience of miscarriage.

dittany · 17/04/2010 22:36

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

DinahRod · 17/04/2010 22:43

I was sure there had to be something he offered you that "offset" the, quite frankly, callous treatment you've suffered. But if you're struggling to think of anything he does bring to the relationship...

So far we know, putting aside MIL issues, he doesn't nurture or protect you, especially in times of crisis, accuses you of selfishness (oh, the irony!) drinks, doesn't mourn the loss of his babies...

It doesn't sound like you are supported or cared for in the least, but instead he causes you pain and distress.

Genuinely, why are you with him?

lavenderbongo · 17/04/2010 22:49

Please do not put up with this behaviour - you certainly do not deserve to be treated like this.

I suffered a missed miscarriage a few years ago and it was deeply upsetting and traumatic but I had my DH supporting me. He took time off work and he never left my side. It was just as traumatic for him as we were loosing our baby, our future dreams.

Your husband seems to have no feelings for the babies you have lost or you. You clearly deserve so much better. Please get you husband to deal with his drinking problem and agree to go to counselling or leave him. You only get one chance at life do not waste it on someone who does not care for you in the same way as you care for him.

thumbwitch · 17/04/2010 23:59

silverboots - I take back my comment about being facetious and stand by my original - give it up, he's a lost cause.

If he can't see there are serious problems in your marriage and refuses to address them in any wya then you have to decide now whether you can be arsed to put up with this selfish mummy's boy until one of them dies, or whether you can regain some control over your famly life and have some feeling of being a respected person in your own right again, which currently you don't seem to be getting.

His mother is NOT a counsellor and even if she were, she would know that you can't counsel your own family, so talking to her is pointless.

Do you have any friends that you see as a couple? Have you spoken to them about what happened? Because I can bet that their facial reactions will have more impact on you than the words of us internet pixies.

IsItMeOr · 18/04/2010 08:20

silverboots - couldn't read all this and not add my voice to the chorus saying it's not you, it's not MIL, it's him.

lavenderbongo has said what I was thinking about your mmc - it was just as traumatic for DH when we had a mc before being lucky enough to have DS, because we both lost our future dreams. I am so sad for your losses.

I think you need to get back in touch with the kickass woman you remember being before. If you're not ready to tackle your husband just yet, how about you focus on doing that for now?

And, as an aside, why exactly does he say he is staying with MIL until Monday? My mind is boggling why he would even think of doing this!

ThisIsSpatchcocked · 18/04/2010 08:34

Silverboots - This thread has made me cry. No advice, just very un-mn-y hugs.

swallowedAfly · 18/04/2010 09:31

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

dittany · 18/04/2010 11:27

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

whifflegarden · 18/04/2010 13:20

--> me.
Dittany, thought you were being immodest about a good post you'd written that got swallowed and you couldn't be bothered to post again. Duh

whifflegarden · 18/04/2010 13:20

Good post, Swallowed.

ChippingIn · 18/04/2010 13:36

Silver Boots - I have been struggling to work out how to say this to you gently, as I sense that's what you need - but really, how do you say 'Jesus Christ - he said WHAT?? and you are still with him??? Not a fucking chance I'd be with him if he'd treat me miscarrying like that.... He is an utter wanker'.

Go on a hunt, find your kick-ass self and kick that fucker back to his Mother!!!!!!!

Not sure how you'd say that gently though

He's done a right number on you, he's got you right where he wants you - of course it's all your fault....

grrrrrrrr

IngridFletcher · 18/04/2010 13:50

I can't see anywhere if the OP hsa said how old the MIL is (apologies if I missed it). If the son is 59 she may only be in her early eighties. She might have another 10 years yet. Even if she was to pass away I don't think this particular mummy's boy is going to take in his stride...he will be a nightmare and blame all his bad behaviour on his terrible grief.

trice · 18/04/2010 14:28

He doesn't sound like a nice person. Let him go and live with his mum.

I would laugh at your jokes silverboots, the fact that your dh doesn't makes him a humourless git. Sorry about your loss.

Squitten · 18/04/2010 14:33

For God's sake save yourself Silverboots

Your husband's behaviour around your mc is utterly disgusting - the're's no other word for it. You CANNOT keep on making excuses for him. He is a grown man who is CHOOSING his mother over and above his marriage and his family.

My father was most definitely a mummy's boy. His mother lives in Ireland and we only ever went there on holiday and my Dad would make an extra trip there himself every year. His vile twin sister was perfection to him and my mother was not allowed to complain about her. My mother was FAR from perfect but she took our entire childhood to finally get a divorce and it was the best thing they ever did. My Dad promptly moved back to Ireland to live with his mother.

Your husband will never change and by continuing to stay with him, you are encouraging him to act this way and you will continue to suffer. You can't change him but you certainly don't have to live with him so please do something about it

WhyFrank · 18/04/2010 16:19

I can't stop thinking about this thread. I hope people's responses haven't knocked you too much, SilverBoots. If you've taken them on board at all you must be having to do some major reassessing. Hope you're okay.

There's something sinister about the picture you've painted of your husband. I can't help feeling there is more you haven't told us yet, perhaps because you have come to accept it as normal, or because it's hard to admit to yourself...

Please rediscover your ass-kicking self, like ChippingIn says. If you can't do it for yourself, then for your sons. It can't be doing them any good at all to be around this man, even if they haven't been the direct victims of his cruelty yet. And having to deal with his absence when he is busy prioritising his mum over them can't be making them feel all that great either. This isn't the kind of role model you want for your boys, right?

GeekOfTheWeek · 18/04/2010 16:40

To me it seems you are being subtley abused and manipulated.

I don't think this 'man' cares for you and he certainly has no respect for you.

His treatment of you is appalling and I think you would be better off and happier ending this relationship.

Also think of the effects on your ds. Do you want him to look on this as normal male behaviour? Because it isn't normal.

Eglu · 18/04/2010 20:26

Silverboots please do come back to this thread. You have a lot of support here. I'm so sorry that he made you feel like you were in the wrong at all in any of this.