How do I explain in the nicest way possible - It's not me, it's your mother?

[SilverBoots]

I'm 39 & DH is 59, I've 2 teenage sons from my previous marriage. DH hasn't been married before.

I am close to my family, DH is very close to his, especially his mum, to the point that their relationship takes priority over the relationship he has with me, my children & our 6 yo DS - early morning phone calls, holidays together, MIL insistence that she loves being with 'her boy' etc. She has 4 other children who live within a 50 mile radius of her, we live 200+ miles away.

It's becoming more & more of a problem with DH often driving the 200 miles to take her to doctors appointments (she has a bad back), take her car to the garage (that's where he is now). Our time as a family is limited due to our lifestyle & work commitments, we see each other at weekends & maybe a couple of evenings during the week.

I recently had a mmc, the mc started a few days before we were due to go on holiday. I stayed at home with the children, DH went on holiday with his mum - he didn't want to let her down (she knew about the mc).

I tend to be very blunt when I explain things, DH is more sensitive & prefers things to be wrapped in ribbons & bows. I need to tell him (again) that he is neglecting his family, his mum needs to realise that he can't drop everything to be with her, he's married, has commitments, a family of his own now. How do I get through to him in a non blunt way??

(friends comments have been - give him a kick, take a lover, suggest he moves in with his mum!)

Goodness, what kind of an emotionally dysfunctional upbringing must he have had? This is not what a son or a husband or a father is supposed to be like

Getting some (RL) outside help and perspective sounds like a very good plan, and all the more so if he does decide not to come along. You and your DSs deserve so much more than this. (And with a name like SilverBoots you're surely predestined to be kicking ass again soon )

SilverBoots, I read your OP with . Then i realised it was you and was . We've been on the same conception boards and you've come across as so strong.

I can't add anything to the great advice that you've been given already but wanted to say how sorry I am and that I hope you get this sorted and the happiness you deserve. Your DH is an utter twat. What he did to you with the mcs is one of the most dreadful things I've read on here. Get using those silver boots, right up his backside.

Silver - by all means go to relate - you'd be better off going alone. My dh has arranged things so I spend months with his dm - yet days with mine and then he says to me ' I don't know about family', 'I hate his family' etc.

It's called projection.

Go alone if it gets you to the point where you leave.

So sorry to hear you are having a terrible time. Would just like to add a couple of things. If his mother doesn't live to 95 (and she probably will!) I wouldn't assume things would get better, I think they would get worse. She will be gone and he will most likely blame you for 'spoiling' his relationship with her or some other bollocks. Also, you will have much less respite from this cruel man.

You say his relationship with his mother has become closer gradually, I suspect it was like this the whole time but its something he returned to once the novelty of your relationship wore off. I also don't think its a coincidence he chose someone much younger (to look after HIM in his old age) or someone he considers 'inferior' that he assumes would never dare to question his actions. I also wouldn't be surprised if his mother had a hand in advising him here.

Sometimes people do things in relationships which signal the point of no return - nothing they ever do/counselling will ever help you forgive them. Have you reached this point yet? Do you still love him??

swallowed and tortoise - yes, he certainly does sound like a lost cause in this thread. If he were 21 I'd put his behaviour down to 'not yet reaching adulthood', but at the age of 59! Astounding. Even so, as we only have one side of the story I certainly feel that I'm not in a position to make a definite judgement call (apols for horrid Americanism) on his character or the future of the relationship.

I have a close friend who, believe it or not, has been through a far, far worse situation than this with her husband. I have never heard of such an unworkable marriage as theirs, and I honestly expected them to have divorced by now, but and little by little they are working through it, and, miraculously, he is gradually changing (I emphasise the word 'gradually'). So you never really know.

Silver, best of luck with Relate or whoever you go to. You might well find that he's reluctant to go along with you, in which case there's always the option of going on your own for a while to help you develop clarity about the situation. But (I say this just in case you tend towards this) under no circumstances should you allow yourself to become the focus of blame/ responsibility for this problem, nor should you be the only one to make concessions. This is a relationship, so everything should go both ways.

"Only then will I feel that I have tried everything to make it work, or if indeed I want to make it work. "

Silverboots, you seem to be looking for some sort of permission to make a decision here.

You don't need anyone else's permission to make the decision to separate. You are allowed to decide for yourself whether this relationship is a good thing in your life or a net loss.

You wanting to make it work will not make a single bit of difference here, while your DH is the one with the problem. Your good intentions and efforts to make it work will be as effective as one hand clapping. He is the one who must decide whether he wants to make this work. He is the one who is not on board here.

Silver, this:
"His view is that if I'm not happy with how things are it's my fault"
is telling you very clearly how he is and how much effort he's prepared to put into making this marriage work.

Is it SGB who always says, when someone tells you who they are, listen to them?

Definitely on the abusive spectrum, this one.

It's all about undermining you, making you feel "oh, but I'm not a saint either so I have no right to complain". Oh yes, you have!

I have a lot of experience of loving close-knit families: I come from one, my mother came from one, big extended family, dh came from one etc etc. And normal men from loving close-knit families do ^not behave like this. They just don't.

Normal sensible men balance different people's needs according to importance- a miscarriage to most people would seem rather more important than a holiday. (and like others I can't get over the fact that he wasn't devastated when his baby was being miscarried- why would the baby be more your affair than his?). In a case where several family members have equally important needs, normal men accept that their first duty is to their children and to their children's mother.

Noone could be a more loving son than my dh. But when his father had a heart attack and I was ill with a newborn premature baby, he told his family he could not come to his dad. Because other arrangements could be made for him, but I needed dh there. His family understood and accepted and did not feel any less loved. That is how a normal close-knit family behaves.

As your husband is 20 years older than you I'd wonder if his pompous remarks about you "not respecting the older generation" (which really sounds like something a parent or teacher would say to a child, not 1 adult to another) also reflects the fact that he feels you should respect him as he is from the older generation?
It sounds like he's stepping into father mode when dealing with you.
If this relationship is to work you have to get him respecting and loving you as his wife , not treating you like a little girl.

Sorry I haven't responded to some of the questions you have asked, I have found them difficult to address. (hi IloveGH) And of course you don't have DHs side of things.

He's very good at playing with DS3, he cooks for us when he is here. He works very hard & supports us financially.

I think I do love him, but I also feel very sorry for him. He's told me in the past that he feels very insecure in our relationship. He thinks for an intelligent woman I am incredibly unperceptive with regard to his feelings. Maybe he's right.

But, because he is away so much I feel he has lost touch with his family life here. He constantly argues with DS3 & often tells him that his behaviour is stupid or idiotic. DH thinks I should back him up, of course I can't, my automatic response is to defend my children - DS is 6, being told that his behaviour is stupid, is interpreted as being told that he is stupid. DH usually walks out.

My head's a bit of a mess at the moment but I am taking on the advice that you have given me.

Thanks for updating, SilverBoots.

What you wrote about DS3 is really sad. So his dad is very good at playing with him, but he's also hardly ever there, and when he is he "constantly argues with him & often tells him that his behaviour is stupid or idiotic" and then walks out when you refuse to back him up?

It must be really tough trying to make sense of all of this. Hope you're looking after yourself.

Jesus - this is a terribly sad thread.

When my sister-in-law misscarried her first child, she was gutted - as anyone would be. But thankfully she is a naturally pragmatic kinda gal and so she got on with things as best she could.

My brother-in-law however (a very strong, reliable guy - a man of few words normally) was absolutely DEVASTATED - I'm talking floods of tears, so choked up he couldn't even talk. Alright, it didn't help that the misscarriage occurred the day before his birthday but he really was floored by the loss of his baby.

Upon leaving the hospital, he treated his wife like a china doll and when they felt ready, they tried again (which was quite soon afterward - probably due to the wonderful support they gave each other). I am happy to report that they now have the most beautiful little girl in the world and both mum and dad are completely devoted! My brother-in-law HATES being away from his family and will take any opportunity to cut short work so that he can get back to them! He really loves and cherishes his wife and child and would do anything for them.

Silver Boots - you should settle for nothing less than a man like my brother-in-law and you have every right to complain if you and your children are not being treated with the love and respect you deserve. I hate to say this (and I don't like to throw them around) but I think it's ultimatum time.....

He thinks for an intelligent woman I am incredibly unperceptive with regard to his feelings. Maybe he's right.

Oh NO NO NO NO NO -- How horrible He wants you to be Mummy, forget about yourself, and cater to him and him only. Your assigned role in this man's life is trainee Replacement For Mummy When She Kicks The Bucket. He is clearly angry with you for having (1) a personality, (2) needs, (3) opinions and a voice, (4) a brain, (5) a body.

And a man who insults a little child and argues with him is behaving like a child. He is not an adult by any stretch of the imagination. He is not a good father. He is going to wreck your child's life, just as he is going to ruin yours too.

SilverBoots, you have a first class narcissist on your hands.

RUN

Take a look at this.

Oh. Have just looked at that website. Lightbulb moment.

SB - mathanxiety is right. I'm glad you read the link. He is really doing a number on you and you are/were falling for it - you are/were believing things are your fault when everyone else can see it's him that has the issues...

I don't think he's the right person to lecture you about normal attachment in families (re your earlier post) - this attachment is in no way normal.

He wants you to be more supportive of his relationship with his mum??
There are no words to express how awful he sounds. Yuck
You deserve so much better. Don't listen to his manipulative shit again. No way are you at fault. This man is abnormal

Have just summarised this thread to DH. His response 'that's weird'. So sorry you are going through this Silverboots.

Hi,

I have done a lot of thinking over the past few days.

The description of a narcissist accurately describes DHs personality - many facets of which I haven't explained here.
Do you think he knows, consciously what he is doing? I can't get my head around what that would achieve.

I assumed wrongly that spending more time with DH would enable him to reconnect with our family - the irony of my OP! The reality of that would mean him sapping the life & soul out of me & the DCs.

DH prefers to be with his mum because he doesn't have to be an adult, she encourages this behaviour & provides unconditional love. She's safe, I'm a threat. I expect DH to be grown up & refuse to put him on a pedestal.

I need to protect the DCs & myself. Firstly by surrounding ourselves with friends & family - my DB & SIL are coming to stay tomorrow for a long weekend. This will give me time to gain more perspective. Then, the difficult bit - getting DH to move out, which will take time & a lot of planning. I don't have any other choice, it's the only way I can provide a healthy environment for the DCs.

Thank you so much for helping me through this & pointing out what was blatantly staring me in the face. I hope sometime in the future that I can offer such wise words & support to other mumsnetters.

Off to get my boots now!

Good luck SilverBoots. Wishing you lots of strength and success in the coming days.

Congratulations on getting to this point. I've been checking the thread and rooting for you and the boots.

It must be an exhausting and upsetting process to be going through, though you sound really clearheaded about it.

Wishing you strength and success too, and a truly happy future for you and your DSs.

Good luck- you sound like you've really got your head screwed on

I think I do love him, but I also feel very sorry for him. He's told me in the past that he feels very insecure in our relationship. He thinks for an intelligent woman I am incredibly unperceptive with regard to his feelings. Maybe he's right

No he's not and you're making excuses for him. Does he make excuses for you? Hell no.

He's abusive because he doesn't know what it is to be a man.