How do I explain in the nicest way possible - It's not me, it's your mother?

[SilverBoots]

I'm 39 & DH is 59, I've 2 teenage sons from my previous marriage. DH hasn't been married before.

I am close to my family, DH is very close to his, especially his mum, to the point that their relationship takes priority over the relationship he has with me, my children & our 6 yo DS - early morning phone calls, holidays together, MIL insistence that she loves being with 'her boy' etc. She has 4 other children who live within a 50 mile radius of her, we live 200+ miles away.

It's becoming more & more of a problem with DH often driving the 200 miles to take her to doctors appointments (she has a bad back), take her car to the garage (that's where he is now). Our time as a family is limited due to our lifestyle & work commitments, we see each other at weekends & maybe a couple of evenings during the week.

I recently had a mmc, the mc started a few days before we were due to go on holiday. I stayed at home with the children, DH went on holiday with his mum - he didn't want to let her down (she knew about the mc).

I tend to be very blunt when I explain things, DH is more sensitive & prefers things to be wrapped in ribbons & bows. I need to tell him (again) that he is neglecting his family, his mum needs to realise that he can't drop everything to be with her, he's married, has commitments, a family of his own now. How do I get through to him in a non blunt way??

(friends comments have been - give him a kick, take a lover, suggest he moves in with his mum!)

i hope you find the strength to keep going and find a happy future for you and your dc. you will be much happier without this horrible man in your life. go girl!

If he's truly a narcissist then be aware you may have quite a battle getting him out because he will see reality totally differently to you. He lives in a universe of his own making, in which he is the victim of other people's unreasonableness.

there are some long-standing narcissist survivor threads on here which you could have a look at (will take quite some time to read them!) and there are plenty of people here who will know what you are up against.

Can't believe what you said about how he treats your son, that's astonishing. How can you be expected to create a balanced home life with someone who behaves that way to a six-year old?

Glad math's website has helped you pinpoint the problem, I hope your clarity on the situation increases and wish you the very best of strength and luck.

How're you doing, SilverBoots? Hope you're ok.

Silverboots - he is abusing you plain and simple by making you feel that your normal human feelings and instincts are wrong and he si doing this so he can carry on ebing a little mummies boy prig IMO.

Any man that goes on holiday with his mother whilst you miscarry his child does not deserve the love and attention you are gving him and your relationship - he is not loving and cherishing you rather crushing your spirit and hurting you in the most abomnible way.

I am glad you are moving on and wonder if reminding him that he has to get on with his own life and build one together so he is not a sad lonely old man might make him feel a little differently.

Thanks for asking, whyfrank.

I'm scared. I'm constantly being thown off balance. One minute DH is being nice, he told me how upset he was about the mc & within a few hours he said I wasn't really pregnant because I didn't have a 'real' baby.

I feel guilty for letting him into our lives. I'm shocked that I had pinned a lot of hopes on the relationship. Scared because of the 'facebook'/'twitter' mumsnet links.

DH is desperate to have another child. I have told him our relationship isn't strong enough for that. I woke up last week in the early hours, DH trying to have sex with me, I'm so ashamed. I'm doubting myself, he says I have a bad attitude. He feels rejected.

I don't know if I can post here anymore.

help me, please.

Bloody hell, SilverBoots.

I really think you need to leave.

What's happening Silverboots.

If you are concerned about your safety, please phone the police.

He's not physically violent, never has been.

Oh SilverBoots!

First of all please don't worry about the Twitter/FB links - all they do is allow people to link to a thread quickly without cpying and pasting the url (which they could have done previously) - and although it makes it quicker for someone to do this in all reality I don't think it makes it any more likely that someone will do this - so please keep posting if it is helping you.

I don't like the sound of you waking up to him trying to have sex with you - and less so if you feel ashamed about it? This does not sound right at all.

Can you ask for a trial separation now to give you some breathing space and get him out of the house? If you don't feel like you can speak to him, write him a letter first - even if you don't give it to him it will help you get clear in your head what you want to say. Am sure there are plenty of us here who would help.

I felt when you first posted you didn't want to issue him with an ultimatum because you were afraid of losing him totally but I get the impression now that you don't feel it would be such a loss - which in itself can be a liberating thought.

When you say letting him into 'our' lives do you mean your older teenage sons and you? What do they think of him? Are they around? How does he treat them?

Also at 39 you are young young young! Get out now - give yourself the chance to spend lots of time with little DS, surround yourself with your family (you mentioned a brother) and even open up the possibility of meeting someone new. Am very for your MCs but I think you are beginning to realise that although you may want (and could still have) more children, you don't want them with him. I think you said his mum is 80 (but mobile etc) - she could live for another 20 years - there's no need for you to put your life on hold and I suspect he is not going to change. Start looking forward to life without him please.

I too am worried about him trying to have sex with you while you were asleep. What did he do when you woke up?

Thank you vivelecliche. DS1 & 2 are about to sit major exams, I don't want to upset them. they don't get on very well with DH. When he is here they stay in their rooms. When he's not here they talk to me (teenagers), they thinks he drinks too much.

When I woke up (difficult to talk about) I pushed him off, he said he felt rejected, I'm still bleeding from mc.

Could you talk things through with www.womensaid.org.uk/?

He is manipulating you.

I think Littlefish is right - womensaid would be a good point of contact.

Do your family know what's going on and are they nearby. Can they help? Do you need their help?

What makes me mad about this is that your dh views you as a family of three - your older two are holed up in their rooms when he's around, you are an adendum to his life and a producer of children. Your little boy will suffer as he gets older when he doesn't meet his daddy's standards. He's odd - lots of men like that marginalise the wife and take the kids to their mother's place thus making them the family and the wife the outsider - he's made himself a husband to his mum and you are all outsiders. He prioritises his mum over his child.

You show compassion he shows malice and then blames you for opening your mouth to object.

I appreciate your older two have exams but it's a matter a months isn't it? In that time can you not put in place a plan to leave? Can they then change schools if need be?

You sound competent on practical and financial matters but he's give your soul a battering to the point you doubt yourself.

What are you planning to do? If you do nothing you will never reach your goal of a functional family (and I'd forget the goal of having a functional family with him).

My heart goes out to you Silver.

Hello, SilverBoots, sorry not to have checked in again earlier, and really sorry to hear how bad you're feeling

This must be such a painful situation. Please think about what help you need and don't be afraid to ask for it. If you are afraid of your husband discovering this thread, that surely only confirms that things aren't as they should be. Please consider phoning Womensaid. They will help.

As I understand it, the way your confidence in your own perception/judgement has been undermined is typical of a manipulative, abusive relationship. As tempting as it may be to believe his version of reality, please consider the possibility that it might not be The Truth. So many of us (with no vested interest either way) have told you otherwise.

The nightime incident last week sounds awful. So wrong of him to do that, and even more so (if that's possible) in the circumstances of the MC. And then to accuse you of having a bad attitude and rejecting him! Can you start to train yourself to unpick his behaviour a bit in your mind? (What I mean is, ok, so he felt rejected, but that does not automatically mean that you were at fault. He is incapable of considering that his behaviour may have been inappropriate, and yours entirely justified. It's all about him and what he wants, and when he doesn't get it someone else must be to blame. Other people do not seem to come into the equation as equally deserving of care and consideration.)

You and your boys should not be subjected to this, and it's down to you to make a change for the better for all of you. Please stay strong, and keep posting.

Thinking of you.

He feels rejected because, when you discovered he was trying to rape you while you slept, you didn't say 'Use my body as you see fit, it doesn't matter how I feel'?

He'd only be happy if you had no self-worth and considered yourself a non-person. Few women would be willing to put up with this if they had any way out at all.

It appals me that your boys don't feel they can be downstairs in their stepfather's company. We all know teens can be a bit funny sometimes (let's face it, we've all been teens!), but this isn't them being funny for the sake of it, is it? It's being afraid, or at the very least reluctant, to hang out in the living area of their own home, because he will be there, disapproving of them. I am fairly sure they would be more than happy if he fecked off to his mother's for good. I am not advocating for one minute that children should be allowed to dictate their parents' love lives, but I do think parents have a duty to conduct their lives with reasonable consideration for their children, as long as they're dependent. And that includes not foisting step parents on them that ignore, belittle or downright dislike them.

My apologies if I'm reading too much into it. I loved watching my boys when they were younger, they were such great company (except for the fighting!), a laugh a minute with their play-acting and their in-jokes, always willing to make me a cup of tea and to give a hand with their baby brother. They had rooms to retreat to, but seldom felt the need. It was a family. Still is when they stay round. Sometimes I would retreat to my own room when it all got a bit too hilarious (there were four of them and it was rather a small house). But that they should feel uncomfortable being in their own living space would just be wrong.

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SilverBoots, are you ok?

We are all OK, thanks.

Honestly?

Thank you for being so kind.

I have just had the most heartbreakingly sad conversation with my mum, in which I've confided all with her. She's very shocked, wants to know why I didn't tell her sooner. Lots of tears.

I might have to get this thread deleated for my & the childrens safety, I'll print it out first as it gives me lots of strength.