Sex Drive clash :o)

[Littleblue]

If anyone who was on a previous thread reads this..the ironies rather amusing!..I'm seeing a lovely man..he's everything i could want , funny ,attractive and intelligent..
We "sing from the same song sheet"?BUT...he is apathetic in bed...very low drive , and the sex we do have is invariably instigated and driven by me...I have a very redblooded sex drive.How likely (given we have been together only a couple of months)is this to be an enormous problem long term?..

i think it's likely to be a big problem in the future, unless you can get to the bottom of why he is like that and it's something that could change.

if he plain and simple has a low sex drive and isn't interested that much then that is NOT going to change.

so, you need to ask yourself if you like him enough to live with that or not

I'm old enough(40)..and savvy enough to know that the initial heat wears off etc..but if the initial heats at best luke warm..that spells a sexless relationship potentially..which is what concerns me.

I'll add..that even when he is 'up for it'..he's not terribly fussed about doing stuff...we had one night of quite naughty sex..the rest of the time its like an old married couple..and thats soooo not me .

Does he seem in any way bothered by his low libido? If he isn't, then he has a low libido and is unlikely to change very much(and TBH there is no reason why he should change, some people have lower libidos than others). It's certainly true that if you begin a relationship with someone whose libido is lower than your own things are probably going to get worse (unless you are the sort who likes lots of sex at the start of a relationship but whose interest dwindles as time passes in which case you will probably hit a level of equal (un)interest in sex at some point) - the low-libido partner feels pressured and starts avoiding all intimacy and affectionate gestures, the high-libido partner gets more and more desperate for sex etc.
You say you've only been seeing him a couple of months - do you think he has enough good other qualities to make up for him being a disappointment in bed? If not, bin him and move on.

Nah, walk away, lb

find someone that matches your sex drive better

apathetic at this stage of your relationship ?

he is either just not that into you, or he never will be the sexy beast you obviosuly need

move on

Hello you two ..its funny really eh..after the sex pest i was with for 18 months!

He does really like me..its just how he 'is'

Interesting what you say about meeting at a lower libido level later on SG...maybe.

I'm too young for a 'pensioner' level of intimacy tho...he just 'lies there'..no spooning/nuzzling etc..its not just about hard sex.

Hi Littleblue,

My dh and I have exactly the same issue - the difference is it was not entirely clear before we were married. It has now been 10 years and I have to say I think it will definitely be a problem. I love my dh a lot but I don't know if I can live with it any more. The thing that is driving me most mad about it is that after all this time, we now also have some serious emotional issues about showing love/kindness/respect to each other, which basically all come from having mismatched sex drives.

I think it's unlikely you'll be able to know what sort of effect it will have on your relationship in the long run, and are not really in a good position to judge at the loved-up beginning of a relationship whether it will be "worth it" to stick together despite this. I honestly don't know if I would have stayed, knowing what I do now.

Sorry for the depressing viewand lack of actual advice (I was/am in fact in the middle of composing my own post to ask advice on the whole thing as it's just gone on too long and I'm too unhappy ). But for me "good when it happens" can't compensate for the fact that it doesn't happen anywhere near often enough, and my dh doesn't seem to care enough about my constant feelings of rejection and hurt to do anything about it or try to make up for it in other (non-sexual) ways.

If he's also lazy in bed and likes to put in next to no effort, that's also a problem, especially this early on.

If you don't want to live in a permanent state of frustration, I'd walk away now - is he physically fit and healthy? If he's the same age as you, fitness levels and poor diet have a massive impact on a man's libido, if he can't be bothered to look after himself then a long term relationship will be an unsatisfactory struggle.

He is fit and healthy , he's a keen cyclist etc..he's fitter than me in fact!..he's only 48..im 40.
I enjoy time i spend with him..but intimacy on any levels important..and i'm not getting it am I..as i said..raw sex aside..he's not even very touchy feely.Not that i want alot of that . my last bf was a royal pain in the arse for that..hence the irony!

Eromum , im hearing you loud and clear..i'm sorry you are so very unhappy with a man you still love dearly.x

LB: I think you should probably walk away FWIW I remember your other posts, you do seem to have a tendency to think that crap men are all you deserve, and that it's worth putting up with crap just so you are not single.
THis bloke may be perfectly nice but simply not much interested in sex, which is OK, that doesn;t make him a bad person, but YOU matter too and you are entitled to find a partner who is right for you, not one who is 'just' non-violent, free from addiction and not so ugly that people puke at the sight of him.

Point well put SGB..'but' ..i WAS happily single(all the other dramas aside lol) , but met this man and really enjoyed him..he's inspiring for me as an artist ,we are of like mind on that level..we have heaps in common , the horizontal gymnastics..or lack thereof were a great disappointment..i thought it was nerves!

to be very honest..he has the smallest balls ive ever seen..im blaming this fact

pmsl

As for seething with frustration..absolutely! and yes , i'm wondering if this is the 'height' of passion..theres a distinct chance i'm going to shag the milkman

I'm considering that.I've been thinking how to broach it today.."your fab in every way..but i've had more stimulation standing too close to the washing machine..."

Aye..re pensioner etc lol..i remarked to a 'single' friend that the sex was a bit 'married'..she retorted "at least that means its regular!!"

that is it

small balls=dealbreaker

enlighten me anyfucker..deal??
crazydiamond...much as i'd love too , im too kind lol

you near the washing machine??