im shaking with anger just now and ive thrown dh out

[candyfluff]

he has a long standing problem with gambling and so after many years of putting up with it last year i told him if he goes in there again i will kick him out - the day started fine we all went out to the town to do some shopping and take the kids to the park,we split up to get things done quicker and said i will meet you at the park - he's a no show so we leave the park and the first place i look for him is in the bookies and geuss what the bastard is doing - feeding the fucking fruit machine
i tell him to leave now and he comes out for a minute then goes straight back in and continues to gamble
i go back in after a ten or so mins and gives him back my wedding ring and told him he will be locked out when he gets home
ive just put his bag out of the door
dont really know why im posting this other than to vent - feel so let down

Best of luck Candy - you are being amazingly strong and your kids will be better off long term thanks to your actions today.

And once he's gone, DO call Womens Aid or the CAB as you'll need financial help asap.

Why are you giving him half the money???? It will go straight into a fruit machine! Please please don't give it to him. Use it to prepay some bills or buy dried foods. Or better still use it to give your DC's some nice days out in the summer. Don't give it to him.

Does he know where you keep the money, don't give it to him ? Please don't allow him to feed his habit, that is basically sending him the message that it is ok to do so especially if he happens to "win". Can you afford to lose it? You may as well just go and put it straight in the machines yourself but actually you have more self restraint than to jeopardise your children's next meal - he doesn't.

I thought you'd already told him to leave ? Pack his bag and don't enter into any discussion. Phone one fo the lines mentioned for more practical advice than MN can offer.

Hi Candy - so sorry you're having such a hard time. I can understand why you want to give him half the money - it will help get him to agree to go I think. But I would say, if you are short of money, then it might be good if you could try to get him to leave without the money - tell him you need to feed his children. Then only offer the money as a total last resort if he won't go.

Good luck and stay strong - it will be hard, but it does get easier. My ex was a big drinker - couldn't not go drinking even when he had lost his job. Got us into loads of debt, was aggresive - if I had locked him out he would have smashed the door in. In the end I saved small amounts over a long period until I had enough for a deposit on a rented house then left. I didn't have kids though so that made it easier.

Sorry but you need to get the police involved BEFORE asking him to leave, otherwise you are going to be vulnerable to attack when you do so.

At the very least get some big bloke round to make sure he doesn't get violent with you again.

The police often go and assist a woman in asking the bloke to leave, it's normal stuff for them - he won't be arrested, it just gives you a bit extra oomph when you ask him to go, because they will be there backing you up.

You're trying to do it all on your own which is frankly unwise.

your right im not going to give him the money ive hid it and i dont think he would ever find it even if he tipped the house upside down
havent got a big bloke handy and i still havent told anyone ,im just hoping we can do this like adults and that he will leave if not then i will call the police.
he said he needed that money and he earnt it so it belongs to him - i said how will i feed our childern he siad well you will get benefits so they can help you - i explained it may take a while.
i really really dont need a scene in front of the kids

okay girl, call the police now = this is going to escalate unless "YOU" take control.

Plllleeeeeeeeeeaaaaaaaase call someone for help.

Women's Aid can advise you before he gets back. Call them..

CALL THE POLICE
Call the police
The police? CALL THEM
What if he refuses to leave and also refuses to let you call the police, by physically preventing you? What will you do then, apart from wishing they were already there?

I think you need to ask someone to look after your dc's while he comes to collect his stuff, there's no point in talking, he won't change, stay angry - he chose gambling over you and your children, he is willing to gamble the holiday money he cares so little.

You said "i gave him a chance i asked him the first time to come out and he went straight back in again - no regard for his kids standing outside ,im so angry " STAY ANGRY!!!

You also said "he has never had any help - he doesnt think he is addicted as he can go a good 3- 4 months without going in one - to my knowledge ,we have huge debt because of this and im fo fed up with it - im feeling so upset,for the kids really ,why didnt he come after me ?? "

You also said "he was demanding i gave him our holiday money which we have saved and coz i refused he got very angry saying - when have you and kids ever been without and the truth is never he does work hard and everything is fine but for this gambling"

You need to:
call womens aid
ask someone to mind the kids for a bit so they are out of harms way because I honestly do not believe he will leave without a scene
get the police to come while he gathers his stuff, tell them he smashed the door in and you are scared.
Do NOT give him any money

Exactly.

Not entirely sure which aspects of his recent behaviour are encouraging you to think he will 'sort this out like an adult' but I do not share your optimism.

I just hope to see you posting later this evening and not a big blank thread because he hasn't acted like an adult. iyswim...sorry. I am scared for you.

You might not have gone without but you have got into debt because of him and that's not fair.

Hi Candy. I'm worried for you and about you. I hope that you can talk about things like adults but I'm not hopeful. I also think you shouldn't give him any money and I'm glad that you have hidden it. I hope to hear from you later.

I am also worried for you candy - and I don't want to cast aspersions on your moneyhiding skills but you did say that your house was like Fort Knox and he still managed to get in - so he might still find the money even though you have hidden it really well - I would suggest at the very least that you divide it up into at least 3 parts and hide it in different places (of course you may have already done that in which case I apologise)

about a year ago i had to declare myself bankrupt because of his gambling and also sending money to his family - most of this i didnt know until i had the banks fraud team call me up a few days after ds was born and ask me why there was unusal activity on my account
i have called my older sister and she is going over to see my parents now to be on stand by if he wont leave ,my dads a big bloke !
i really am not giving him the money

well done,

yes get your dad round. Sounds perfect.

Good luck.

dh had just called me from work - are you ok
me - no
what so your gonna be like this all the time then - me i said i want you to leave
he said ok give my money back
i said no - he said we will talk about this when i get home

Doesn't sound promising for an adult to adult chat tbh. He sounds like a bully, and doesn't see any reason to change . Please seek help.

And it's time to call the police, your Dad, whoever you need to be there when he gets home in case he DOES kick off worse than last night.

And WTF does he mean by saying "my money" - is it not family money he earns? Is it not to feed and keep the family? Or is he somehow doing you a favour by feeding and keeping his family with "his" money?

My God, what a tw*t

Police, unless your dad is seriously stroppy.

Make sure your dad is there early as well in case the daft bastard decides to turn up early, too.

This is your last day of oppression, girl.

..and you know from that phone convo he is threatening you, don't you.

I'm glad you have your dad coming around. If i were you, I would have him there when your H gets home but it is up to you. Please make sure you stay safe above all else. Will the DC's be there when he gets home as well?

he has phoned another 3 times saying that after 13 years of him supporting our family this is how i repay him - hes saying i need to give him a chance to find somewhere to live
i said thats his problem not mine

You did right. You have been supporting him as well for the last 13 years as that what being together is all about. It is not your problem that he needs to find somewhere else to live. He has been really irresponsible(sp) and it is his fault he has found himself in this situation not yours.

It sounds to me that he is shitting himself as he might have finally realised that you are serious about kicking him out and he has started to worry about the consecuenses of that. GOOD! he should be worried.

Stay strong. You are doing the right thing. He is trying to intimidate you when he should be begging for your forgivness. He should be apologising for his behaviour not moaning about where he will go. It is not your problem.

What time is he due home and will your dad be there?

"You've never gone without" except you've not had a holiday in 13 years and you had to declare yourself bankrupt last year and you're in massive debt.

Get your Dad around NOW. And call the police to tell them what's happening so they've got it logged for when he comes home.

Do you not get it? This guy is not sorry, not understanding, he's just furious that you won't give him the last remnants of money. He thinks you are in the wrong. Why on earth would he be reasonable?

Get your Dad around. Phone the police. And stop answering his calls.