im shaking with anger just now and ive thrown dh out

[candyfluff]

he has a long standing problem with gambling and so after many years of putting up with it last year i told him if he goes in there again i will kick him out - the day started fine we all went out to the town to do some shopping and take the kids to the park,we split up to get things done quicker and said i will meet you at the park - he's a no show so we leave the park and the first place i look for him is in the bookies and geuss what the bastard is doing - feeding the fucking fruit machine
i tell him to leave now and he comes out for a minute then goes straight back in and continues to gamble
i go back in after a ten or so mins and gives him back my wedding ring and told him he will be locked out when he gets home
ive just put his bag out of the door
dont really know why im posting this other than to vent - feel so let down

[candyfluff]

i have spoken to the council a few times and they have said the same thing there is nothing i can do unless he is willing to take his name off- we both have to write letters to say we are both happy to let me take on the sole tennancy - hes not stupid he knows that at the end of the 2 months spearation he will just come back here ,he doesnt have a key so he cant get in - im sure if he had wanted to he could break the door in.
grrrrrrrrrrrrr bloody hell

[thumbwitch]

okay, so the council are useless. But - have you tried your local Councillor? If you can get him/her on side they might be able to do something to help. Depends on whether they are a proper Councillor though - my Dad was and always did his best to help people but I know there are some who don't bother so much.

I can't believe that nothing can be done in situations like this. Even though you're not at direct risk of violence as such, you can't have him back in your life.

If you have changed the locks or he has no key, what is the legal position? Have you found that out? Has he a right to live there? CAB will probably know the answer to that.

[maltesers]

Good Luck Candy ...we mnetters are on your side. Be strong and stick to your guns and stand up to him. He is the Loser.

[kyotokate]

He is for sure a loser.

I assume you think the marriage is over. It might be time to see a good family solicitor to ensure he does not come back home and divorce proceedings are started... think his behaviour would count as unreasonable (I have no legal background).

You will be eligible for legal aid if you claim benefits.

[candyfluff]

ok so we have spent the past 4 hrs talking and crying trying to sort things out - he is begging me and going to get his wages in my account - he will let me do all the financial stuff,he will start gambling counselling and promises to be eveything i want - i still dont love him but maybe i should do it for my kids - sacrifise my feelings for the sake of theirs know all you ladies will think im an idiot and believe me no-one feels it more than me - what will my friends and family say - i need to decide and soon as im meant to be going for my job cemtre interveiw tomorrow ,he is asking me to cancel it -i have sat the kids down and asked for their opinions - it was 2-1 in his favour - dd not happy at all ,she thinks ive given him too many chances already.
ds 1 (11yrs) has been a nightmare since we split he has been in trouble at school for punching a boy in the face which is so not like him and been awful at home - getting very angry with dd ,saying he doesnt want to live here anymore and that he is a failure etc
what if i just try for a while and if my feelings dont change then split for good.
im so confused and i know you all will think im weak and stupid

[FlyMeToDunoon]

Candyfluff I have been lurking here and shaking my pom poms for you.
Why not ask him to try and sort himself out away from you and the DCs for a while. If he is serious he should be open to the suggestion.
Sound like DS needs some counselling to help him cope with the situation.

[candyfluff]

i have said i need time but it seems he has to leave the b&b tomorrow - where will he go - can i really see him on the streets ???
his company were paying for the bed and breakfast which i thought was going to be for the next 2 months now he is saying they only booked it for a week
im just dont know what to do - ive got to decide something by the morning

[FlyMeToDunoon]

The b&b is his problem which he brought on himself. He could be lying but either way it is up to him to organise something else. I wouldn't take him back atm simply because you are obviously in no state to think clearly.
He wouldn't end up on the streets.

[candyfluff]

he is pushing me to cancel the appointment - thats my main concern at the moment - i cant keep mucking them about

[FlyMeToDunoon]

I may be wrong but it doesn't seem to me that that is what you really want.
I hope some others come along to give you advice. I have to go to bed now. Take care.

[twolittlemonkeys]

Don't cancel your appointment because he's pushing you. You knew he'd try his luck and be begging for another chance. Please think about what's really best for you and your children, not what's best for him. How hard will it be to get rid of him again if you let him back?

[Doha]

No no no don't do it

He needs to get himself sorted out away from you and the DC's and therefore prove to you that he is committed too change.

Candy please re read your thread--you will see how far you have come, don't back down now.

It was probobly a bit unfair to ask your kids what to do but l can understand why you did.

You don't love him. Don't take him back for the kids. You will be miserable and be sacrificing you own happiness DS needs come professional help but he will get through this rough patch.
What example will you be showing to your DD1 if you back down so easily.

I don't mean to be harsh but your answer tomorrow has to be no for everyones sake-even your DH

[candyfluff]

its just so so hard - i just want someone to do it all for me - i feel helpless and like im putting the kids through this for my own selfish reasons

[Tanga]

Do you want a kick up the arse? (Sometimes I know that's what I need)

Please don't drag the kids into this - far too much responsibility for little people.

If he genuinely wants what is best for you and the kids he would not want you to cancel that appointment. If he was serious about tackling his gambling problem and recognised the hurt it had caused he would not be asking you to take him back - just for a chance to prove to you he could change without risk to yourself.

You are not weak, you are compassionate. But you have given him a lot of chances, and yourself hardly any. For the stability and financial security of your children you on your own would seem to be a 'sure thing'. He is an outsider. Seems to me he's not the only person with a gambling problem.

[Tanga]

And there are other B&B's, you know.

[Doha]

Oh Candy

you are not selfish, no one on here would ever call you that.

You are putting your DC's and yourself first just like DH had his choice and put Gambling first.

He is messing with your head tonight.Are you sure about the B&B was only for 2 weeks, seems a bit convenient / coincidence that he has to leave tomorrow. he could just be selling you a line to prevent you going to your appointment tomorrow.

At this stage l would not be trusting what he says at all. Go tomorrow and tell him 2 months means 2 months

[candyfluff]

thing is i know your all right but its just so hard


im so tired have to get some sleep now
night all xx

[Doha]

night Candy

try and have a sleep.

You know what you have to do.

Doha and Tanga will be kicking your arse down to that appointment tomorrow

[lucky1979]

He's manipulating you and trying to force your hand. As soon as you let him in it WILL go back to the same old status quo, except now he knows he can call your bluff and you won't go through with it.

Fundementally, nothing has changed. He's still an addict, even if he is an addict who has had a shock. Until he has dealt with that, he can't change. I know it's horrible for your kids now, but think how much more unsettling it will be if he comes back, gambles again and you go through the whole cycle again and again.

Don't cancel your appointment, don't just give in to him. You've been so strong, you can do anything you set your mind to. xxx

[thumbwitch]

Candy, I know you are (or at least should be) in bed by now but hope you will read this in the morning.

lucky1979 has said it really - but I want to say it again too.

STAY STRONG! If you give in now, he will assume he has "won" and that he now has the right to go back to his old ways and that you will never have the strength to cross him again.

Your DC will NOT thank you for this in the long run - they will still have to live with a father who cares more about his addiction than his family and who gambles away all the money.

If he really wanted to make things right, if he really wanted to show willing he would:

1. start GA now, not "only if you take him back" (i.e. if you take me back then I won't really need to because I am where I want to be)
   
2. transfer his wages into your account NOW not "I'll do it, yes I will" - see how that worked out re. the tenancy agreement
   
3. pay for his own bloody B&B! They hardly cost the earth - but perhaps he is spending his money on "other things"?
   
   This man is emotionally manipulating you. He is using the kids as weapons in this battle. This is BAD. He is trying to undermine you as an individual by stopping you going for your interview.
   
   GO to the interview - how is he going to stop you, short of imprisoning you? Take control of your life and your situation - only you can do it (sorry) but once you have done it, you will feel so much better!
   
   

[colditz]

DO not make your chil,dren decide. Whatever they decide will turn out wrong on some level and then they will think it's ALL THEIR FAULT that mum and dad split up.

Stop being dithery and be the grown up. You can't make them do it for you, it's not right. They need to be able to blame him and to blame you - NOT themselves.

[thumbwitch]

Very good point, Colditz.

[BertieBotts]

Candy, I know it is hard, but you CAN do it, you CAN stay strong. You have been so strong already. We are all proud of you.

Yes the children are stressed and hurting now, but it is NOTHING compared to the stress and hurt that would have been caused had you continued to let him treat you the way he has done. You are doing the right thing, they will thank you later (child of divorce talking here ) Please try not to drag them into discussions and decision making etc - you can explain to them later, but decisions like this are hard enough for us to make, it is too much to expect from your children to be able to process it. However it's done now - move on, don't involve them in any more discussions and forgive yourself for this temporary upset in their lives, because I promise you, it will be worth it when you look back in a year's time, maybe even sooner. And remember that the best thing you can do in their interests now is keep strong and stick to arrangements, going back on anything is just dragging it all out, because this is all inevitable, it has to happen some time.

Remember you are not responsible for him any more, and most importantly, you are NOT responsible for his emotional wellbeing. If he ends up on the streets (it is very very unlikely that he will, BTW, whatever he tells you) - it is NOT your problem. I know it sounds hard but you simply can't afford him the emotional resources. You are stretched to breaking point dealing with your own and the kids' as it is. Don't allow him to bring you down.

You are so close - so close to getting a new life for you and your DCs. Focus on that life, free from money worries, free from worrying about him, what he is doing, where he is, free from fear. You deserve that life, and it is waiting for you. Hold on. We are all rooting for you! (((((Big hugs)))))

[countingto10]

Candyfluff, hope you are feeling stronger this morning. Do not let this man back atm, if he loves you and the DC enough he will sort himself out away from you. Addicts are very good if not the best manipulators.

Have a look at co-dependency on the internet and there was a co-dependency support thread started a while back - have a look at that.

And try this book

Do not let him back today - you both need time away from each other to sort yourselves out.

I have been there and know how it feels. If you let him back now, you will go through this all again in a few weeks/months etc.

[FlyMeToDunoon]

Good morning candyfluff.
You got lots of good advice and support. Take strength from all of them and have a fabulous day starting your new life!