Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Flexible and made to last.

Meet the Other Phone.
Flexible and made to last.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

im shaking with anger just now and ive thrown dh out

436 replies

candyfluff · 10/04/2010 13:58

he has a long standing problem with gambling and so after many years of putting up with it last year i told him if he goes in there again i will kick him out - the day started fine we all went out to the town to do some shopping and take the kids to the park,we split up to get things done quicker and said i will meet you at the park - he's a no show so we leave the park and the first place i look for him is in the bookies and geuss what the bastard is doing - feeding the fucking fruit machine
i tell him to leave now and he comes out for a minute then goes straight back in and continues to gamble
i go back in after a ten or so mins and gives him back my wedding ring and told him he will be locked out when he gets home
ive just put his bag out of the door
dont really know why im posting this other than to vent - feel so let down

OP posts:
BrokenBananaTantrum · 10/04/2010 19:20

I agree with SirBoob. You really need some practical help which on here we can't give you. How old are your DC's? Do you have a car? Can you pack up a few things find somewhere safe for tonight? I know you should not have to give up your home to him but the last thing you need is to be trying to discuss this at midnight when he gets home and is tired. You'll be knackered too and if you want to talk to him you need to be somewhere safe and not be knackered.

Katisha · 10/04/2010 19:25

Women's Aid Women's Aid Women's Aid

Ring them now.

0808 2000 247

It's what they are there for. YOu don't have to have been beaten physically.

BrokenBananaTantrum · 10/04/2010 19:38

where are you up to Candy?

mrsboogie · 10/04/2010 20:01

Oh I feel for you OP. I had an ex P who was addicted to fruit machines. It was almost like he wanted to lose the money sometimes, like he wouldn't stop' til it was all gone.

In some ways I think it is almost a worse addiction than drink or drugs - especially in terms of the impact on family.

Original poster
candyfluff · 10/04/2010 21:29

just was putting kids to bed - cleaning making dinner etc - im thinking to write him a note so he reads it when he gets in saying that i dont want him to come into my bed ,to sleep downstairs and then we can talk when he gets back from work sunday afternoon .

OP posts:
MrsSawdust · 10/04/2010 21:42

Sounds like your resolve is weakening.

When you put his bag outside the door this afternoon, were you planning on letting him stay the night? No.

What will talking do right now? It will give him a chance to aplogise again and make false promises again. It will give him the message that you don't follow through on your threats and that it doesn't matter how he behaves, you will still be there.

Please, don't let him in tonight. Get the police to sort out the locks (he broke the bolt fgs!). Phone him (or get the police to phone him) at work and tell him he needs to sort out somewhere to stay.

Original poster
candyfluff · 10/04/2010 21:44

i know i know -

OP posts:
Original poster
candyfluff · 10/04/2010 21:48

dc's are 11 ,9 and 3 , i have no car and no where to stay -furthermore why should i leave he's in the wrong not me.
i did warn him that he wouldnt be able to get in at the bookies ,still in shock he acually broke the bolt on the door

OP posts:
Katisha · 10/04/2010 21:50

Ring Women's Aid for a chat.

Original poster
candyfluff · 10/04/2010 21:52

im so tired i just want to go to bed - i will call them tomorrow when he is at work
i have left him a short note to say that i want him to sleep down stairs and we will talk tomorrow

OP posts:
SugarMousePink · 10/04/2010 21:56

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster
candyfluff · 10/04/2010 21:58

he will be leaving tomorrow of that i am sure

OP posts:
Doha · 10/04/2010 23:07

If you let him in and let him stay you will be back to square one.

He will not leave tomorrow.

SirBoobAlot · 10/04/2010 23:29

You know he will not leave tomorrow. And I can also understand that secretly you are looking for those apologies, those promises, so you can forgive him and let things go back to normal, where he doesn't fly off the handle for a few weeks. And then maybe in a month or so there will be another thread like this.

Please, break the cycle.

A previous partner of mine was abusive. I still have the scars on my back from where he hit me with a glass bottle and pushed me down a flight of stairs. I didn't ring the police and I wish to God I had, because every time he crosses my mind now I wonder how many other people he has hurt, or is hurting now.

Your P might not be abusing you directly, but what he is doing to you is just as destructive - he is destroying your family; and your front door.

For your own sake, and for the sake of your children, do not take him back. Stand by what you said. Call the police, call Womens Aid - hell, go and knock on your neighbours door. Ask for help now. Please.

thumbwitch · 10/04/2010 23:59

Candy - you phone the police because he assaulted you. I know this is the case because he "manhandled you roughly" - and my brother was done for assault merely for grasping the lapels on his ex's coat and frightening her. He was arrested for it - believe me, the police take accusations of assault and DV verrry seriously now.

Call the police - get it logged - if he does anything else like it, call them again immediately.

Can you see yourself? Living in fear of him coming home, wondering what he's going to do, wondering how you're going to cope?

If this was a friend of yours, what would you be saying to them? You'd be saying "get yourself out of this situation", wouldn't you - well, you be your own best friend and take your advice.

I'm a bit concerned re. him going back to his own country - do your DC have passports? If so, keep them on you at all times.

onadietcokebreak · 11/04/2010 00:22

Please ring womans aid and ensure a bag is packed with essentials.

You need to get the kids passports and yours out of the house and hidden in a safe place.

moviegirl · 11/04/2010 00:26

really hope you are okay candy.. your silence for the last couple of hours is worrying.

hope you are somewhere safe with DC's

sez2068 · 11/04/2010 00:39

just to say..i had similar situation except the addiction was alcohol and those sex text lines..he also spent a lot of time in casinos..i threw him out and he went pretty quick (last straw was catching him texting when he had promised to stop on yet another 'lastt chance'.)

well he didnt stop drinking and i doubt he has stopped the other stuff..been two years now..lots of things have been hard..

but i agree with thumbwitch..he lied to you and he continued to lie (and i know how that feels) ..he only puts himself first.

maybe you throwing him out will force him to change or maybe it wont..then you will be better off, really you will. as i say it has been hard but when i see him (cos of the dcs) and i smell the drink on him, gosh i am glad i am free of that..

and though there is less money i do like that i am in control of what there is, and no one is spending it on drink or in casinos..

i really hope that you can sort your finances ok and get it all separate and stay strong.

i hope that if you want this to be a wake up call for him, that it all works out..but if not..you WIL be better off on your own. no more worrying what he is doing with your money..in control of your own life..

just wanted to say that you can and will come through it

mummysgoingmad · 11/04/2010 00:39

candyfluff i know EXACTLY what your going through, my dp gambled our rent money away, (ds was weeks old) we were very nearly homeless! I told my dp to go to gamblers annoymous, which really helped. I took control off all the money (including his) as he knew he could'nt be trusted. Until the rent thing i always wondered why we were so skint, but gamblers are very good liars! I told dp that i couldn't even look at him and we would need to work on being friends 1st, so he slept on the couch some nights and stayed with friends. This lasted for nearly 6 months before he got back in my bed.

I feel for you, i know where you are, and its not a nice place to be!

sez2068 · 11/04/2010 00:42

oh and ps i also had some 'damage' done to my house when he was drunk and other abuse..anyone who can do that..they cant be around you.wish i had done it sooner.

stay safe. get all the help you need to do that.

strangeitude · 11/04/2010 04:40

well done. It's sad they have such a hold on him, it's hypnotic or something. A lot of people put a lot of thought into making those machines have that effect. It's sick really. But you cannot have a relationship with someone addicted to fruit machines, especially with kids.

Good luck.

strangeitude · 11/04/2010 04:51

quote:
"well he broke the door down ... he was going to smash the pc up ,tv , phone everything,i was man handled roughly as i stopped him all because i kept asking him to leave ...
he was demanding i gave him ... money ... coz i refused he got very angry ... i really did think he was going to hit me ..."

this is when you call the police they will take that very seriously

do you know how many times they will have heard exactly the same story? and how many times there has been actual injury, destruction of property, traumatised children and worse? they are experts, let them help.

SirBoobAlot · 11/04/2010 08:58

Are you okay, OP? Slightly concerned that you haven't been on for a while...

Original poster
candyfluff · 11/04/2010 09:27

hi - im ok - he slept downstairs and didnt talk to me so im glad of that when he comes back from work later i will give him half the money and tell him to leave if he refuses then i will call the police- thankyou for your support ,im off to do the weekly shop with said holiday - very very sad about using it as this was going to be the 1st holiday we have ever had

OP posts:
moviegirl · 11/04/2010 09:30

Please don't give him half the money - he doesnt deserve it!