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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

im shaking with anger just now and ive thrown dh out

436 replies

candyfluff · 10/04/2010 13:58

he has a long standing problem with gambling and so after many years of putting up with it last year i told him if he goes in there again i will kick him out - the day started fine we all went out to the town to do some shopping and take the kids to the park,we split up to get things done quicker and said i will meet you at the park - he's a no show so we leave the park and the first place i look for him is in the bookies and geuss what the bastard is doing - feeding the fucking fruit machine
i tell him to leave now and he comes out for a minute then goes straight back in and continues to gamble
i go back in after a ten or so mins and gives him back my wedding ring and told him he will be locked out when he gets home
ive just put his bag out of the door
dont really know why im posting this other than to vent - feel so let down

OP posts:
Original poster
candyfluff · 11/04/2010 14:05

dad is coming later so very pleased about that.

OP posts:
BrokenBananaTantrum · 11/04/2010 14:09

Thats great about your dad. I'm really pleased he is coming around you need to have people with you to support you.

How are you feeling?
What do you want to happen when he comes home? What are you hoping for?

Jux · 11/04/2010 14:24

Please please please phone the police.
Please get your dad round before (d)h gets home.
Please.

BudaisintheZONE · 11/04/2010 14:25

So pleased your Dad is coming round. A girl always needs her Dad!

When he says it is 'his' money remind him of the debt. Remind him of the no holiday for 13 years. Remind him that you had to go bankrupt because of him. Remind him that his children still need food and clothes and shoes and that you are damn sure that they are not going without a holiday again this year. And remind him that you gave him a choice yesterday. And he made his choice. Big time. You were not 'out of sight out of mind'. You were standing there in front of him with his children. And HE made his choice.

Original poster
candyfluff · 11/04/2010 14:45

im feeling strong at the moment - what i want to happened is that when he see's my dad there he will realise that i mean business and that he will leave without a fuss
he has been calling again saying he will get counselling being as sweet as pie he will do what ever it takes well its too late for that!

OP posts:
BrokenBananaTantrum · 11/04/2010 15:01

You sound strong. Stick with that. You are doing the right thing.

Definatly think he knows that you mean it this time and he is scared. Good.

Please let us know how you get on. What time is he coming home?

Fliight · 11/04/2010 15:05

Yes, it is too late.

He is getting desperate and you need to stay strong, and be careful because he might just take you by surprise and turn up early and make sure you do what he says - you said he 'manhandled you roughly' yesterday which you had not anticipated.

One of the main times a violent man will be extra violent is when his partner or wife actually asks him to leave, or tries to leave herself. He might just turn.

Hope your Pa is up to it. If not - 999.

Fliight · 11/04/2010 15:06

I mean, he might try to make sure you do what he says, iyswim - not that you should. He could get very nasty.

chippy47 · 11/04/2010 15:06

Compulsive gamblers come in many forms. He is a binge gambler (if he is in a bookies it will be the £500 fruit machines and video roullete etc -very dangerous things and keeping bookmakers in business) and this can be one of the worse types as until you realise what it is the person in question does not associate the gambling as an addiction. The pattern will be bigger losses on each subsequent episode with increasing frequency. He will undoubtedly be lying about the frequency of the gambling as well.
'My money' -this is how addicts think unfortunately. They earned it so it must be theirs ignoring the rest of life's responsibilities they have. Gambling is one of the most insidious and selfish addictions there is.
He probably has other issues to deal aside from the gambling -the latter being a complete escape from reality. Most gamblers cannot explain why there are addicted even after years of GA therapy (there is not much else out there for compulsive gamblers when compared with other addictions -and it is undoubtedly a much bigger problem in society than heroin).
He needs to call the GA number and speak to an addict first hand and go to his nearest meeting as soon as possible (all available via the web). I would stick to your guns and not let him back in as this may be his rock bottom wake up call. If he can get on the web urge him to take the GA 20 questions - he may be surprised at the results.
There is hope as many men and women arrest their gambling with the help of GA and rebuild their lives as 'normal' people. I would not say there is a cure as it is a one day at a time philosophy. It does work when the person involved wants it to.
If he goes to a meeting it is a big step -he may disagree with everything that goes on but if he goes back(and he needs to) he will realise the truth. If he continues the denial then he has made the choice between his gambling and his family. Harsh but true.
Hope things go ok today.

Original poster
candyfluff · 11/04/2010 16:11

having spoke to my mate and my other sister - it seems he has been seen numerous times going in and out of the bookies and they didnt tell me ,one time was a few days after my bankrupcy hearing - what an absolute bastard

OP posts:
Fliight · 11/04/2010 16:14

Indeed

what a bastard. More fuel for your confrontation later. When is he due back?

ChickensHaveSinisterMotives · 11/04/2010 16:24

So sorry that you're going through this candy, it must be so hard. FWIW, you sound like an amazingly strong person and I think you're doing the right thing.

BrokenBananaTantrum · 11/04/2010 17:45

I'm sorry that it appears that he has been gambling even more than you thought. That is really shitty but like Fliight says it is more ammunition for you.

MrsSawdust · 11/04/2010 18:09

How's it going candyfluff?

I'm rather on your behalf that your sister and friend didn't tell you before about his continued gambling. However, that's a different issue.

Has he been home yet? What happened? Thinking of you.

sowhatis · 11/04/2010 19:02

been following this. i really hope he goes without kicking off in front of the children, and i hope you stay strong xxxx

strawberry17 · 11/04/2010 19:14

Mrs Sawdust, I think candyfluff's sister and friend had given up hope of candyfluff ever leaving her husband and that's why they didn't bother mentioning the continued gambling.
Thinking of you candyfluff, stay strong!!

BrokenBananaTantrum · 11/04/2010 20:27

Candy - are you OK?

SugarMousePink · 11/04/2010 21:02

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

BrokenBananaTantrum · 11/04/2010 21:06

Candy i'm sorry but i've gotta go to bed i've a steaming cold and have gotta get early with DD in the morning.

I hope you are OK

Sorry to go but please post to let us know how you are when you can

SirBoobAlot · 11/04/2010 21:37

Hope you're okay...

Original poster
candyfluff · 11/04/2010 22:08

was fucking awful

im so drained now
kids very upset
horrible

OP posts:
onadietcokebreak · 11/04/2010 22:21

((((((((HUGS))))))))))

rowingcah · 11/04/2010 22:28

Hope you are all OK. Has he gone now and is your Dad or someone with you?

dearprudence · 11/04/2010 22:29

Have been lurking candyfluff. Sorry it's been so awful tonight. Hope that things are moving in the right direction for you though.

Doha · 11/04/2010 22:30

has he gone

hope you are okay and that someone is with you.